Wow, I just reread the message that I had sent you last night… Oh boy… Talk about suspense. I gave you no information whatsoever. I think this email will change that.
So yeah… Out with the truth Cody… Out with it. F
Okay… So yeah I think I’m stalling, but that’s all right gives you more to read right?
Since Helen has left town, I think it would be more than accurate to say that I haven’t been physically faithful to her. However, because of that, it would mean that I haven’t been emotionally faithful to her either.
I could start justifying why it isn’t all that big of a deal. I don’t expect that I will me marrying her. That means that I don’t need to fear being an adulterator. Right, that sounds so good Cody… I could refer to how our parents viewed dating.
For the older generations, dating consisted simply of going out on dates. Didn’t matter who it was which night, our current dating would be related to “going steady” right? So yeah… I kinda like the idea of being able to date all sorts of people… And that’s not any big deal, but the physical aspect that I find sometimes comes with that is the big deal, right?
I have added one girl to the dreaded list that I have running – I hope you know what I am referring to…. I don’t necessarily regret anything about it, other than I am dating Helen at the same time. It was a one-time experience, and there were no drugs or alcohol. Actually, you have heard me speak of her. She is the gorgeous single mom that I have mentioned.
And I have also kissed Mika, though that was a big mistake and I have closed that. (Thank god) Besides, she is leaving Juneau for Utah on the 29th possibly for good.
I really don’t want to lose Helen. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what to do. The way I am thinking right now is that I just wont tell her, and she wont find out, and I will get better about it all. That is what I would like to do and am strongly considering.
I think of the other option of telling her. That would be catastrophic. She will completely break down at school, and there really is no good time for me to tell her. I think in terms of ending the relationship that we have right now I am leaving it up to her.
I think about the idea of repentance, and I am scared. Right now, I would say that I haven’t gone through the process. If I had previously, like I thought I had, I wouldn’t have been doing these things to begin with.
I would be inclined to say that there is something wrong with me, and that I am bad person for making such choices, but that isn’t really an option as I see it.
Rhonda, I really don’t know what to do. Aaaarrrrggggg!!! I wish she could see right through me, or find someone else, or decide that because she is at school, the long distance thing wont work. I didn’t have any problems while she was in town, only while she is away… Grrr.
I don’t want any pain for her, and that is the hardest part of it all. I KNOW that I could continue without her knowing about this, and therefore she wouldn’t be able to be upset about this, but I also know that if she found out, she would be furious and crushed that I withheld that information from her, no matter how painful.
The fact that I had withheld it would be more upsetting than me actually doing it.
If I had to guess, I am all done with my shenanigans, which means that I don’t have to worry about the continuation of my habit, but then again, I thought I was done before.
If you would like to respond, go for it. I would love to hear your perspectives, but also I would like to know what you have been through and how you handled them and how they turned out. I also want to be able to decide what to do. I would like to know that I am a good person in spite of all my egregious errors.
Well, this is a long email now, and only a portion of what runs through my head fairly consistently. I think I will close this now, and fall asleep where I sit… I am bushed.
Hopefully I will talk to you soon. Perhaps your email will me long and through also.
Talk to you soon.
Thank you,
Cody