I think this will be a good opportunity to journal again.

I find that so many good thoughts come out on the screen when I do this, it allows me to see what I am thinking and to explore that thought process.

So here I am. Making a decision about how I will handle two girls. One that I have built a great relationship with, and another that there is a large unknown, but can choose to love if that is the route that I take.

As I had explained last night to Heavenly Father, I love Helen. I have learned to enjoy her company and work through many of the issues that we have come across. We have broken up, and made things right, and things are going as well as could be expected. I have developed strong emotions for her, and strong attraction to her physically.

The thing I need to do here is inspect how I handle relationships naturally and determine if that is something that is good for me.

Where do I want to be in 2-5 years?

Married, free from debt, have control of money, as well as control of time. I want to be able to travel, I want to have a home at [location]. I want to be the earned head of my family. I want to be the priest of my family, to lead them both in this world and spiritually. I want to be an overcomer of those things that are naturally stumbling blocks to me. I want to have the resources to put money into causes I believe in (alterative schooling, youth ministries, outdoor leadership education, at-risk youth development and more.) I want to be able to travel the world and learn of the situations where people are hurting. To come to the determination that there are things in the world that need more time and money put into, and to pump my resources into that. I want to be a Man that puts his action where his mouth is. My word is my bond. If I say that I will be there, I will be there, unequivocally. On the outside of that time frame, I want to be a father. I want to be developed enough as a person to be able to coach a person in this world. I want to be the example as a father and as a husband. I want my friends and peers to use me as the benchmark, to look to me for an example of how to do it right. I want to have control over my emotions, to be able to choose which ones I participate in, to know which feelings are usefull, or not. I want to be able to have the toys, but not sink all my time into them. I want to have the best friendship with my wife. To be the one that she looks to all of the time, not just when things are good or things are bad. I want to show love to my family. To support them in all the things that they want to do. To provide the dream homes for my mother and mother-in-law. To be the best buddy of my father-in-law. I want to go on fishing trips around the world with him, or to show him his dreams. I want to be able to treat my brothers. To have the resources to get to know both Nicholas and Shane in a way that I have yet to imagine. To be the ideal brother. Provide the resources that they might be able to pursue their dreams. To help them learn to succeed, to help them understand the process. I want to lead other people to the Lord by my example, my Christian walk, and my minsitries. I want to be able to have the bills paid in yearly sums. I want to provide for my family in such a way that we can focus on the things that are important to us, and not the burdens or stresses in life. Later in life, I want to be my children’s hero. I want them to be able to look up to me, and know that of all the people in the world that they want to be like me, and want to follow in my footsteps. I want to have friends that I feel comfortable to have my wife around because I know their integrity and love for us.

Where do I not want to be in 2-5 years?

I despise the idea that I would still be working. I hate the idea that perhaps my wife could be working. That I have not changed as a person so that as a father and as a husband, I am a weenie, and I only help to continue the disfunctionality passed on from gereration to generation. I hate the idea that I will not be in control. That someone could tell me what to do. It would be horrible to be controlled by my emotions. It would be atrocious to be unfaithful to my wife, or to my God. That I continue to lie to myself without recognition of those false truths. That I never get to know my brother more than I already do, that my mother continues in her situation without help or support. That she continues to be emotionally driven, right into the ground, and she decides that she will keep working for ever and ever. To be in a situation where I lie to others, I commit sin, and I draw others away from the presence of God. That I am still living paycheck to paycheck, friday to friday. It would be my worst nightmare to recognize that I have thrown away an opportunity to do great things in my life. To accept a life of mediocrity, to give up on all the things that are good and right and true. To wake up one day and recognize that all of these things have come true, while my dreamworld continues to dwindle away into nothingness. That someone pops my big rubber yellow ducky in my pool without me noticing it. To maintain an association of people that bring our spirits and dreams down to the low state that they happen to be in that day. To be around people that cut others down, that are crude and unaware of the impact that they could have on the world.