While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.
We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.
Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:
I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.
So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?
Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?
Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…
Till next time,
-cb
It’s now 2010. In fact, January 3rd. Tomorrow I head back to the daily grind of working at UAS. I found myself nearly in tears at the futility of it, and the desire to be free of the all-to-frequent torture called “employment”.
That aside for the moment, I thought I’d do some quick journaling of the break and of the last year in keeping with the reflection process that I like to maintain.
First of all, the break. We’ve had 10 days off, weekends included from UAS. It’s been nice to have, and fun to stay up until all hours of the day, get an activity or two in away from the house, and then to spend time with Heather nearly the entire time. We had a chance to watch quite a few movies – mostly rentals (Avatar & Sherlock Holmes in the theater, at $10.50/ticket, interestingly.)
New years was good. We went out to a long dinner at the canton house and proceeded through some of the Glenn Bland Success Methods for planning and scoping the future. Heather is excited about any manner of planning, and I go into it with a more stoic mindset, but nonetheless, it was a good experience to talk about what we see for ourselves and our future. I took a few notes, of course, but don’t have my notebook nearby, so I can’t regale you with them now. After dinner, we came back to the house for a bit, and then ended up heading out to West Glacier trail with the Wildes crew. Generally, we spend new years doing some sledding at the Mendenhall Visitor Center area, but this year, there wasn’t any snow for us. Instead, it was remarkably cold, crisp, and had an incredibly bright moon that was casting shadows from anything it could get it’s reflected light around. I took a few pictures from the ice, and then a couple of group shots, and we called it a night.
Christmas was mostly good. I really enjoyed the process of pouring out fun and useful things to Heather. I might have gone a bit over the top in trying to get everything from her list, but of all the ways to have error in the process, that’s a good one. She was very thoughtful to me as well with things like a bike repair stand, an apple wireless access point, books, etc. She was on the receiving end for several books, gloves, socks, a chair (if it ever comes) movies, cooking items, and probably more. We even went above and beyond in designing and sending out a 2010 calendar with my photos for all of our friends and family. An order of 25 goes a long way. I think we only have 3-4 more.
2009 has treated me well. It feels like largely it’s been a blur. I can recall that in April, we got engaged (insert blur effect here) and then in June, married. That whole process was incredible, and a great example of what’s possible to two people when the dream is the driving motivator. We had tons of friends and family, and were able to have an incredible experience of love and connection with each other and our friends.
So, June happened, it was good. Blur some more. In September, Heather and I departed for our first-of-many honeymoon. Juneau to Seattle to San Francisco to (blur more) Memphis. It was absolutely wonderful to spend quality time with Heather and also with the Wildes on the road across the nation. We had some memories made, and some fun had, all with the joy of a 30+ foot RV. I’m still working on the photo album afterwards.
After the honeymoon, things seemed to have blurred by. We have been going to church at the Juneau Christian Center, and further had fun with the McGoey’s in a small group setting aimed towards improving our marriages. Interestingly, we are sparse to connect; I’m not sure if it’s based on mis-matched schedules, or if it’s another mechanism, but for the 3-4 times we’ve met, we’ve been talking about it for most of the year.
A little bit of benchmarking:
Technology in the house:
I’m not really sure what else I might want to note, but at just near 1000 words for this post, I think I’m doing pretty good for a recap. Let’s hope and pray and act as though 2010 will be the best year yet.
-cb
Last night, Bill mentioned (mostly in passing) that most people, if they were to plan their homes to match how they plan their lives, would live in nothing more than a cardboard box.
That, of course, leads to many questions about my dream pursuit:
-cb
So I’m at the 2004 leadership… It was a great evening last night, though the feeling of the evening may not have caught up with me… It’s like I’m watching someone else going to the function. I’d like to have it delve deep into my heart, but I’m not sure that I’m there yet.
I like the fact that I got up early to do my reading today. I think I will receive the reward of positive energy for my choice – I read for 15-20 minutes from ‘The Secret of Success’ and then another 15-20 from Leviticas.
One thing that I haven’t grasped quite yet is the content of the old testament. I found the stories in Genesis and Exodus were great, but then it’s slowed to god telling Moses about what Aaron should be doing… (as in laws of the land.) I’m sure that it’s useful, but I’m not so sure it’s application today. I’m glad that it was of use back in their time, but now, I think I realize that cleanliness is good, though I’d wager, that the sacrifice of animals wouldn’t go over so well. I wonder whether or not this text was available to the people of the day.
I’m listening to Ron talking about Vision – to take 3-4 nights focusing on your vision, and then 3-4 nights in family/relationships…In order to do that, you’ve gotta give up hobbies and TV. Idle time is evil time. People with a vision don’t have time for it to be idle…
The function starts this morning in another hour or so… I’m looking forward to that. I just want it to get deeper and deeper into me. I must go eagle in the next 2-3 months… this stuff has gone on too long, and there must be a way to get out from under it. Give me 3 months to eagle – another 2 for double eagle, and then another month for platinum to come about. I need to go platinum for Bill and Sharon, and for Brad and Leslie. There is much impact that I can provide by simply stepping up and filling the gap. I need to develop a plan of Volume growth, and of width growth, and then define width growth – from then, I need to help others to do that too! 750 pv would be needed for duplication purpose – it’s far better for me to have ten 750 pv folk, than it would be to have a hundred 75 pv folks.
Waking up early, planning my day, and then following through with it is what it will take. I destroyed the barrier to discipline that I had, so I know (though there might be challenge) that I can accomplish things. I will continue to learn from scripture and reading, but here’s the time to put it into action…
Kay, gotta get ready. Word.
I love people.
I know that people are weird, but life is good.
I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.
Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.
There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.
I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.
I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.
SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!
To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.
Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:
1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.
I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.
This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!
All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.
In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.
No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.
My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.
This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.
At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.
I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.
I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.
I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.
I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.
My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.
My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.
originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…
Our schedule at school today was lame. It took the longest time to reach lunch today. Luckily that time was productive. Eli & I have scheduled an appointment with him on thursday (him being Larry Holland) to help us with our Orange Project. So far he’s a cool guy. We had a sub in math today. His name is Sammy Sims. He wouldn’t let us sit on desks, wear hats, or be tardy or leave. The weird thing is that he was awesome!
I’m still squandering with my 2 large, make that 3 large projects: Russian Home Page, Technology Proposal for Phoenix and the Science Fair Project. We wen’t to a meeting today w/Bill & he covered a lot of the things we’ve already heard, not what we assumed we’d be doing.
On a sour note my mom’s being an ass about the business. Automatically she assumes that I dislike her partnership just be cause I’m tentative about the options which are unknown to me at this point. That’s what we though we would cover in today’s meeting.
Crystal didn’t get her luggage.
Today we (mom & I) went to Udder Culture & had a meeting with Bill, Sharon & Chris Shipler. He gave us a description & invited us to go to see his plan on Thursday. I look forward to going but I’m not sure what my mom thinks about it. Tonight we’ll go talk to bill to find out about family options.
On a different note, Crystal Novotney got back today from San Francisco area (LA & all in between) without her luggage. I wonder if she’ll show up at school tomorrow. I hope so.
Last day of Christmas vacation, unfortunately all good things come to an end.
Today my mom had a meeting with Bill & Sharon about the business. I didn’t go. Instead I hung out at the Nugget mall. While there I filled out 2 job applications, one to kits camera and the other to the Nugget Alaskan Outfitters. I also dropped off a roll of TMax 100 to be developed and get a proof sheet for it. Yesterday mom dropped 6 color rolls at costco. All of them will be done by Tuesday at the very latest. I can’t wait to pick them up. I need to finish my math that I have procrastinated on so far. —
Today I got together with Bill and Sharon and went to a lecture thing at the downtown library. Some guy talked about the research involved with writing his book, some 20 years of reading prepared him. The book was someone’s journal for the 18 months before the declaration of independence or something like that was signed. It was pretty interesting. He read a few exerpts from teh book which made it a whole lot more intriguing. Afterwards I worked at Bill’s shop, Sam’s Auto Body for an hour and a half, scuffing a bumper to be painted later. I then had spagetti for dinner & read a little, up to 99 pages now, but I gotta go – it’s past my bedtime. —