Chapter 2: The Big Secret of Dealing with People

c2p18:

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. / Remeber, there is no other way.”

This is an interesting concept to me. Not so much in it’s newness, but due to the fact that I wonder constantly about how this plays into altruism. I frequently see things with a interconnected thread that may not be readily visible to others. I think about the concern and compassion that comes with sharing, with being loyal, and with serving others. I tend to think I have a strong “altruistic” approach to life, but this passage nearly suggests that all of those altruistic efforts are actually, at their root level, a selfish action.

So, if the one way to get someone to do what I’d like is that you want to do it, well, what is it that you want!?

There were several examples offered in this short passage of the book. From Frued to Dewey and Lincoln (and more) it boils down to our basic need. The desire to be important.

The book outlines a few basic desires (c2p19):

“Some of the things most people want include:
1. Health and the preservation of life.
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. Money and the things money will buy.
5. Life in the hereafter.
6. Sexual Gratification.
7. The well-being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.”

In the prior comments that I made about this chapter in the “quick” overview, I stopped briefly to ponder this list and what it means for us. I came to the realization that if EVERYONE is looking for these things, that who are we to forget that we’re all on the journey of life together, and largely looking for the same things. We don’t necessarily talk about the specifics of the process, but it’s always there, lying in wait under the surface.

What is fascinating is that while we all have these basic interests, we rarely dialog on them in our common day-to-day experiences. Why is that? Is it that we weren’t brought up with the self confidence to feel safe explaining that it’s something we want? In an interesting parallel, the WorldWide Diamonds are willing to talk about these topics from stage. What does this tell me? That the desire to be important, that the desire to have a particular set of results in my life is not unusual, but merely unspoken. And further: if I want to take my life to a next phase, talking about those things becomes incredibly important as I have need to focus both internally and externally on those items in order to necessarily gravitate towards them. It’s “the secret” of “the slight edge”.

c2p30:

“One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation.”

What a true statement. I wonder if the outcome of many people’s life is due to this lack of appreciation? My brother, Kimmy, Joan. All folks who have amazing latent possibilities and talents, but who opt to fight their own nature of greatness, all in search of this sensation of “importance” that is fleeting, at best, when chased.

How can I remember to pay heed to this concept in my relationships, most importantly the relationships with myself and my wife.

Let’s all remember this adage (c2p31):

“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Principle 2:

“Give Honest and sincere appreciation.”

Chapter 1p5.

“few…regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why… Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical to justify their … acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been [imprisoned at all].”

It’s true, if we’re all carrying the human condition, we can all be quick to support and encourage through the process; and as much as when we’re attacked, we take a defensive posture to protect our ego, others will be doing the same.

Per the conversation last night: perhaps our interactions with the human condition can be best handled through offering grace to ourselves and others.

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment.”

So, another question from this: how can I be careful not to react in a defensive, justifying way? How do I avoid having my pride and sense of importance hurt?

Perhaps the answer in their lies in knowing WHO’s I am, rather than what I am based on all of the external input I may or may not receive.

Lincoln had a fairly level response, c1p10:

“Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

c1p14:

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures pristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

Aha, the question of how to accomplish all of this comes to mind, and here on p14, one take on the answer is outlined clearly:

“…it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. / ‘A great man shows his greatness … by the way he treats little men.’”

And, recall the story of Hoover and the jet that nearly crashed because of the fueling accident. He responds with “character and forgiving” (c1p15):

“To show you I’m sure that you’ll never do this again, I want you to service my F-51 tomorrow.”

What a phenomenal way to help a person grow through the experience of mistake and correction. Many times, we’ll find that the person in error is already in a self-condemning place. Why not encourage, support and love them into a place of functionality. Further, if a person does not find fault in their own action, why would our efforts of criticism help them change their mind. Perhaps it would only raise the anger and bitterness of them and certainly wouldn’t enable growth and good feelings.

c1p17:

“Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. ‘To know all is to forgive all.’ / ‘God himself … does not propose to judge man until the end of his days’ / Why should you and I?”

Here’s another answer to to the question of HOW to handle this challenge of being gracious to others in our daily exchange… Sympathy, tolerance and kindness. So, an a word, perhaps Grace is the overarching umbrella of love to cover our friends, family and fellow fleshbags. 😉

The culminating principle: “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.”

Heather: I want to remember to love, and cherish and communicate love and not concern. To grow the relationship rather than being concerned with appearances. To reach towards the special people in our lives to grow together in a deeper love.

The title is an adjustment on the original title as found in How to Win Friends & Influence people. The story is a meaningful reminder of building relationships rather than allowing life getting in the way. Here’s that short story for recollection farther down the road:

=====
Father Forgets
by W. Livingston Larned

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blonde curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorese swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “goodbye, Dadd!” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive — and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding — this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was not measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and find and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itslef over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy — a little boy!”

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

=====

I just finished reading the first couple of chapters from How to Win Friends & Influence People and in the second chapter, it begins with highlighting the fact that we’re creatures who are excited to pursue our innermost greatest desires: the desire for importance. Carnegie further clarifies that there are some basic needs that we have. As the book reads:

Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life
2. Food
3. Sleep
4. Money and the things money will buy.
5. Life in the hereafter
6. Sexual gratification
7. The well-being of our children
8. A feeling of importance

For some reason I noticed that number six.

Why is it that, for most of these items, we leave the topics out of the normal dialog throughout our life. Why aren’t we willing to have that as a topic of conversation between “friends” and even with enemies. Is there something to hide from?

I think of the people around my office and these things aren’t spoken of. I spend time with “friends” and find that the line of conversation rarely gets into this topic. Interestingly, I do find that folks from the world wide stage; a stage in the public eye, no less, is where I find people most talking about the above things.

Why is it that the success of life is predicated on talking about those things which we greatly desire? The law of attraction, that’s why. Why is it that common people, in common conversation, are never engaged in a higher pursuit; engaged in pursuing the above list. Talking about it, working towards it, and living it?

I guess I’ll learn to talk about it and live the life that I have always dreamed of.

Chapters 1-2 quick read was exactly that. 31 pages in as many minutes. The initial summary that I would offer is:
* never criticize, condemn, or complain
and second,
* always uplift and encourage to inspire cooperation and enthusiasm from people.

On to other tasks!

After dreamnight I made an effort to take a look at my reading energy and to work to make it more intentional. Upon response to my solicitation for what books to be reading, Bill suggested some of the basics, intended to improve people skills now for speedy growth and volume.

80% reading about winning with people. (Take eyes off my self and put them on other people).

Basic books on personal development.

Take eyes off self – build myself up inside so that the internal scripts change; attack scripts

Being Happy

Stuff that increases your skillset to create volume now.

So, today I’ll be reading from How to Win Friends & Influence People.

275 total pages.

1 week = 40 pages/day
2 weeks = 20 pages/day
3 weeks = 13 pages/day
4 weeks = 10 pages/day

I want to WIN. I want to grow. I want to move on I have a vision for my life, a motivating factor: bringing my wife home from work, bringing myself home from work, being engaged in the process of success in my life!

I will read 40 pages/day for the next week and take notes on the materials. More than likely, this will take me an hour a day – where possible I will study before going to the office, or during a lunch time so as to not be withdrawn from my relationship with Heather nor to get in the way of business development.

Let’s get started with the introduction:

Intro: 9 suggestions to get the most out of the book:

1. A burning desire to increase your ability to deal with people.
To develop the urge, repeat over and over: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”
2. Read each chapter rapidly at first to get a brief eye view of it and then go back and reread it thoroughly.
3. Stop reading frequently to think about the materials.
4. Mark the book up with a highlighter or pen.
5. Review regularly, even after the book is completed.
6. Apply the rules outlined in the book at every opportunity.
7. Offer my spouse a dollar each time she identifies me violating a certain principle.
8. Review your week.
Ask yourself…
…what you did well
…what you did poorly
…how could I improve
…what lessons did I learn
9. Record triumphs in the back of the book, be specific, including names, dates, etc.

The book has 30 chapters. With the suggestion of reading and then re-reading, it may be valuable to adjust the time scale. If I aim to read the book in 15 days, that equates to two chapters per day. If I am aggressive about reading and re-reading, I’ll follow a sequence like:

Day 1: Quick read of ch 1-2
Day 2: Thorough read of 1-2, quick read of 3-4
Day 3: Thorough read of 3-4, quick read of 5-6
…repeated…

This seems like it lends itself best to the retention of the materials. Ingrained repetition, agreesive pace and personal victory lie ahead!

This is a blast of notes that I had taken on How to Win Friends & Influence People. Just posting (without formatting) for keeping tabs on how I thought about the things. 🙂

====

Notes while reading How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to get more out of the book:
a. Have deep desire to master human relations
b. Read each chapter twice before moving on.
c. Stop regularly to ask “how do I apply this?”
d. Underline while reading.
e. Review the book each month
f. Apply principles at every chance.
g. Develop motivation to use principles (like owing money when misusing technique)
h. Review progress weekly of mistakes, improvement and lessons learned.
i. Make notes in back of book.

PREFACE
The book has been translated into almost every written language, so it obviously has some good content.

There are always improvements being made to the text, this is just a starting point for these times – it was originally written in the 30s.

HOW THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN – AND WHY
Why should I bother to read this information? Most people need extensive training in the art of getting along with people on a day to day basis. Even in highly technical fields like engineering, success is only 15% technical ability and 85% interpersonal skills (personality & ability to lead people.)

“…the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people – that person is headed for higher earning power.”

This is a very exhaustive text – he read ferociously, and hired someone else – for a year and a half – to do the same! They pored through magazines, old books, new theories, biographies, and autobiographies – absolutely everything. Then they moved to interviewing successful people! Then, while that information was in use in the lecture hall, he solicited experiences from students to come back to relate what was learned – that’s where this book has spawned from. After remake and remake, this book has become what it is. It took 15 years to get to this form.

The rules set down in the book work like magic – they are tested and true, not simply guesswork or theories.

“For, ‘the great aim of education…is not knowledge but action.’ And this is an action book.”

NINE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
1. “A deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.”

Action: Say to yourself over and over: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”

2. Read chapter fast at first to get an overview, then reread the chapter thoroughly.

3. Stop frequently to think about what’s being read.

4. Read with something to mark with. Put lines in the margin, or asterisks to highlight things – even underline comments that have strong potency. This will make it easier and faster to review for the greatest return over the long run.

5. After reading thoroughly the first time, spend a few hours each month reviewing it. Glance through it often for reference and refreshers. Recognize the room for improvement that will constantly be available to you.

6. Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. Apply these rules at every opportunity. Remember that you’re not trying to fill cells in your brain, you are trying to form new habits – to develop a new way of life. This is a handbook of human relations. Refer to these pages when an impulsive response seeps into your consciousness – make a choice that will develop your future.

7. Offer someone money each time they catch you violating a certain principle. Make a lively game out of mastering these rules.

Action: Develop a rule breaker jar to put in the kitchen as a reminder.

8. Designate a portion of every week to self-examination and review and appraisal.

Action: Develop a form to fill notes out on (when reviewing my weekly schedule.) Include the following questions: What mistakes did I make that time? What Did I do that was right, and in what way could I have improved my performance? What lessons can I learn from that experience?

9. Record specific successes of the application of these principles. Include names, dates, & results.

Part One – Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

CHAPTER 1 – IF YOU WANT TO GATHER HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE BEEHIVE
Most people don’t regard themselves as bad people, they justify, rationalize and explain.

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s –precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment.”

Experiments have proven that animals and humans alike who are “rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”

“Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.”

Action: Minimize criticisms that I offer – even in the spirit of ‘constructiveness’. Instead, work to build up the things that they are doing well.

Lincoln’s favorite quote, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

Lincoln: “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” And later, “if I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness…and perhaps force him to resign…”

Idea – if you have harsh feelings towards a person, write them a letter – the most intensely cruel letter that can be composed of the situation – and then trash it. You’ll feel the better for getting it out of your system, and they’ll never find out about the rebuke.

“Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others – yes, and a lot less dangerous.”

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

Initial thought after reading Father Forgets: Life is short, be nice.

“It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.”

“As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man uintil the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?”

PRINCIPLE 1) Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

CHAPTER 2 – THE BIG SECRET OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE
“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything.” “And that is by making the other person want to do it.”

True, this can be with force, coercion, intimidation, or whatever vicious technique you can devise, but the fact remains. They will only do things if there is internal, personal motivation to pursue that item.

Everything that you and I do springs from the desire to be important.

Some things that people most want include:
1. Health and life preservation.
2. Food.
3. Sleep.
4. Money and the things money affords you.
5. An afterlife.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.

William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the CRAVING to be appreciated.”

“The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand.”

That desire to be important and great is what drives people to somewhat outlandish conclusions – remember the great criminals in our day, picture the egotistic teenager and his flashy car, the bragging of personal ability.

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.”

“If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance, that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

Charles Schwab said: “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

It may seem natural to want to rebuke someone after a mistake, but be the bigger man, be interested in fostering improvement in the future – look for the good elements! Did they save some money or face from being lost? Were they able to come out with any extra skills at the end? Look for those positive things, and reinforce their efforts – that will pay you back much more than simply chiding them for a bad hand.

Primary reason that wives leave marriages: “lack of appreciation.” I’d bet that works for dating too.

Often we are more concerned with our temporary bodies by nourishing them with food than to nourish the spirit by positive reinforcement – breathing life into another human being.

“Flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.” “Flattery is counterfeit…” “The difference between appreciation and flattery?” “One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”

Learn not to take flattery to heart – recognize it for what it is: cheap praise.

How to not use flattery with other people:
“When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.”

Action: Post the following statement:

“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

PRINCIPLE 2) Give honest and sincere appreciation.

CHAPTER 3 – “HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CANNOT WALKS A LONELY WAY.”
When you fish, you don’t think about what you want on the end of the hook, you think about what will attract the fish… why would you try to attract your peers with something that would repel you? Aren’t they not made of the same drives?

“…it is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish.”

“So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”

“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”

“…the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, [no matter the application] is: First, arouse the other person in an eager want.”

Examples: A) Sending a letter, neglecting to include the mentioned money (they wanted the $, so they wrote back) B) Explaining the value of vegetables (if eaten, he’d be able to stick up for himself against the bully) C) Understand things from their view (finger-painting is for kids who have been to kindergarten.)

Even if you are wronged, look for the way to talk in their interests. “Even if [you] convince him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in.”

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Examples: A) Letter writing, be sure to structure it in a way that they understand how they will benefit from following direction from the piece of paper.

We are all eternally interested in solving our problems. “…if salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us.” “…and customers like to feel that they are buying – not being sold.”

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”

“If out of reading this book you get just one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle – if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.”

Remember to ask yourself: “How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?”