I don’t often recall my dreams. In fact, I’m mostly uncertain what leads to the recollection of these things. I generally fall fast asleep, and before I know it, the alarm is going off to wake me to the new day. Sometimes, on a weekend, I’ll remain in bed without an alarm and that seems to be the best route to find myself experiencing the dream state.
Last night, though I went to bed at a fairly standard time of 10pm, and was likely asleep at 10:30 after some brief journaling, I found myself nearly wide awake at 3am. Deciding to go back to bed, I fell quickly back to sleep. It seems in the last three hours, my dreams were alive again.
For the most part, I don’t like dreaming. As a kid, most of my dreams were of the scary, nightmare’ish variety. I would dream of a world tied to reality in which I was trapped in some way. Recalling the steps at the Juneau Christian Center at such a size that I could only go down the concentric ring of stairs, but they were just tall enough and I with no tools could not ever climb out. It’s a feeling of entrapment that I could never shake. That sensation would sometimes come to me in consciousness, as recently as last Tuesday while receiving a massage. My brain begins processing things as enormous entities, dwarfing me and creating a sense of fear out of nothing. I perceive things to be a different engorged size which of course is both strange and terrifying, “for we were grasshoppers in our own sight” (Numbers 13:33) as even the people around me are recognized as terrifyingly large.
And then there was the memorable ongoing childhood nightmare of being trapped on a ferry (that had it’s own onboard dock) and throughout the vessel I was chased and continuously entrapped by a host of Cyclops. I’ll save that one for another day.
Last night, it was a dream of sex. I don’t know why they come about, and generally, I don’t particularly mind them at the time – there don’t seem to be consequences beyond my woken response of guilt & regret. Last night I think I recognized the woman initially as Rekann, but then eventually noticed that she was Helen. It was in a place small and rundown by time, reminiscent of a trailer like room just larger than my mother’s own bedroom through my childhood. I don’t often recall the acts themselves, more the circumstances surrounding them. My “suitor” preparing for the act, or other innocuous details of engagement (like her adjusting a piece of insulation on the wall which released a tarp which had somehow been connected to the outside of the residence).
Maybe this links into what I had written last night before bed. Maybe it’s some type of consideration of what the future would be. Guilt in engaging with another in a post marital state. If Heather were to pass on this mortal coil and I find myself alone, would it be okay for me to begin the courtship again? Frankly I have no clue.
I can’t tell if I would rather outlive Heather or if she ought to outlive me. I would like to save her the pain of having me die and leave her behind, but simultaneously, I don’t want to steal the joy she may have in subsequent years with our family and friends. Of course this is easily flipped to myself. Do I want to stick around years beyond her death? I recognize that I don’t really have any control over these things. When it’s our time, it’s our time… As I was just reading this morning “Thy will be done.”
There’s a mantra good to live by.
-cb
It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.
So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge. The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.
Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.
So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.
There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.
I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.
Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂
-me.
First things first: my slight edge –
Yay! I woke up EARLY (5 am) and proceeded to get to work. Made some progress with the photo folders, and generally was being productive. Next, enter Heather and we decided to lay down for a nap – that lasted till late morning. A quick breakfast, a brief break, and then we went to the Chiropractor. He took xrays and found her back to be twisted, winding and all manners of not normal. Good though that we’re able to make some progress.
Did pick up, though products didn’t arrive. Got a call from Gary Taylor who was looking for me to help out by feeding his cat. I did, and now I suppose I’ll want to check back periodically to make sure it isn’t dead, even though it didn’t seem very hungry. Stopped by the video store, and the grocery store and got some supplies. Came home and enjoyed a lovely salad/dinner combo from Heather as we watched Horton Hears A Who.
Here’s where the reeling part comes in. Right before the show Helen called to ask my insight about a job offer she received, I told her I’d call her back later on as the movie was just starting. At the end of the movie, I left Heather on the couch while I headed upstairs to check email, play some games and generally get stuff done. I realized too that I needed to give Helen a call back. She proceeded to explain the conundrum, but considering all the different factors, she didn’t know what to do. At one point, she appeared to be mad at the fact that I was echoing that the economy is in an unknown state; it’s hard to tell what the future will bring.
While on the phone while trying to keep up, it became apparent that Heather was maddened by the fact that I was on the phone; I had told her I was going to play on my computer, and here I was on the phone. So while I had Helen (and her angry tone) on hold, Heather indicated (somewhat coldly) that she was just going to head home.
Wow.
I know they both want to know that they are going to be okay, and that they both are important, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation well. As it ended, while Helen was on hold (as I was talking to heather) she called back and suggested that I was done. Then Heather was done.
I guess the bottom line is that in the course of communication with women, their primary concern is towards the health of the relationship and not the actual issue at hand. You’d think I would have learned that by now.
Journaling
June 6, 2007
From opening a past journal entry from May 30, 2006, I read that I was under the suspicion that Helen might be pregnant. I’m a year out, but still having sex with her. Sigh.
Heather and I have been developing, but I have a hard time with maintaining chastity. I’m reading (and rereading) a book that I picked up from the Goads table at Spring Leadership named “Man’s Greatest Battle”.
In it, they hit upon a point that has been hovering in my consciousness for the past few days. It explains the challenge and then gets to the point of making a decision, and then very clearly outlines the following: We have the Freedom and Authority to make any decision we’re so inclined. What we are lacking at any given moment is Urgency.
How does one drive things to the urgent list? How do I make my business urgent? How do I increase the urgency of things that are important to me? How can I break my bad habits through identifying the urgent requirement of change?
Freedom + Authority = Power.
I have the power. I just need to DECIDE and follow through.
I’ll close for now, but this subject is far from complete. I’ll have to touch upon it some other time.
Journaling
April 3, 2006
“Why not me?” she asks.
Well, why not?
Helen has been a great friend and girlfriend, and many people would be lucky to have a chance with a girl like her. And if that’s the case, why is it that I’m not willing to take on the responsibilities of being hers?
She feeds me constantly, provides massage nearly every day, and is willing to engage in sex whenever I’m interested. If guys only knew how good I have it, they’d be fools to not want the same thing.
So, if that’s the case, why is it that I’m considering dating Heather?
Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006
Where to start?
It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.
The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.
This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?
It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.
So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.
So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?
Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.
Why Heather & why now?
Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?
What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.
I don’t really know when this was articulated; I found it in a steno notebook and had cut it out, for documenting, but there was no nearby date mentioned. Just pages after this, there is a note indicating “2005”, but that’s pretty vague and doesn’t give context for this posting. At any rate, here it is:
Dreams
What could be? Without resource limitations; without mental barriers. With a team of World Wide Special Forces, what will we accomplish?
Monday the 3rd – that’s 3 days in a row. I think I’m starting this out pretty good. I hope to take a bit of time today to plan out what I expect my week to look like, and to get a bit of scheduling done so that I can be assured that I’ll get my reading done, and still have time for the other things that I have planned (like Ultimate tonight.)
Last night Helen and I had another “talk”. It went as usual, spending long enough talking about what we don’t really think is a good idea, until we’le weak enough that we just go ahead and do it. I recognize that I am pretty weak – the control that I have of my hormones is relatively slim. I wonder what I can do to reinforce my strengths? I know that it’s all about changing the thoughts that I have, but even that at times can seem daunting.
I sold the Linksys PC card today, listed the USB-Ethernet adapters on Amazon, and set up the WUSB11 for sale on ebay. I’m getting pretty close that I can purchase the camera soon. Good times. 🙂
This morning I listened to the Hawkins and Heads leadership tape. Yesterday was the Rod & Rowena Jao Rally.
Reading Notes:
The Purpose Driven Life Day 3: What drives your life? This chapter did a good thin in asking the question of what the driving force in your life is – whether it’s failure forming negatives (fear, guilt, anger, materialism, or the need for approval) or Purpose driven (knowing your purpose provides: meaning in life, simplification in life, focus in life, motivates your life, and prepares you for eternity. (p. 29, “…one key to failure is to try to please everyone.”; p. 30, “…No man can serve two masters.”)
Scriptures to look up:
* Jeremiah 29:11
* Ephesians 3:20
Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
Ephesians 3:20 (paraphrased from “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,”) to “God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think!” Sweet!
The Richest Man in Babylon outlined seven steps to cure a empty purse. They are:
1) Start thy purse to fattening; Save 10% of your income. You won’t miss it because if it was empty before, it meant that you didn’t have enough, and if you save 10%, you still won’t have enough, but you’ll begin your legacy.
2) Control thy expenditures; Budget your money so that you can pay for the needed expenditures, and to know how much you have available for the desired expenditures. Don’t you dare spend more than you earn!
3) Make thy gold multiply; Use compounding interest scenarios. Offer the money to lenders who pay you a rent for holding your money (like the money market account that I have). Have continuing contribution too for more effectivity!
4) Guard thy treasures from loss; Invest only in safe places. Don’t make risky investments, even with friends. Counsel with people who know more about finances than yourself by proof of their results, not credentials. Let their wisdom protect your treasure from unwise investments.
5) Make of thy dwelling a profitable investment; AKA: buy your own home. It talks about allowing for your wife to be able to make a home of her residence, rather than just inhabiting the place. As of yet, I don’t have a wife, and I think that it may be alright to not take this step yet. Perhaps it would be good to counsel on the matter.
6) Insure a future income; Build your business! Have an income stream! It talked about having investments that generate income, and then taking that newly generated income to be able to reinvest it for the future – not to pull it out and waste it. Remember: this is a long term process for the future, not for the pleasures of now.
7) Increase thy ability to earn; Cultivate your skills and knowledge “…to so act as to respect thyself. Thereby shalt thou acquire confidence in thyself to achieve thy carefully considered desires.”
Travelling Light talked about the sensation of a jungle, and explained how many people feel afraid, anxious and hesitant in the world today, because they are without skills or tools of navigating the jungle. It then proceeded to assail those fears by Jesus’s presence to lead you out. You say, “Where’s the trail? Where are we going?” He says, “Follow me, I am the way.”
Genesis 6-7 recalled Noah’s process of being called to build the Arc, through the earth’s flooding. I found it interesting that his family was able to go along as well – I suppose it’s an example of when the leadership is right, the family is right.
Matthew 3 was about Jesus’ baptism. John felt unworthy, yet still went ahead as requested, because he was requested. It was a humbling experience where he likly realized more clearly the need for baptism if even Jesus needed it “to fulfill all righteousness.”
Day 2 of the year down, or at least mostly. Last night I watched the final movie of LOTR trilogy – all 250 MINUTES OF IT! John and Mariah stayed up to kiss and flirt and talk even after my 3:40 bed time. And then of course, this morning, John and I had a talk about the whole relationship world – it’s tough when you have hormones AND common sense – sometimes they really conflict.
Lets see, Helen called me silly, mostly because she caught me with my pants down while she was dropping off laundry for me. I must admit that I feel silly about being so prone to such carnal desires.
I met with Eileen today and made another $65 tutoring. It started out with about 40 minutes of chatting about her recent preformance review. It’s nice to be able to reach a deeper level with her. I had intended to ask her if she was interested in attending Dreamnight, but chickened out so I feel a bit weak there.
Next went to see my brother at the Mental Health Unit (MHU). Every time I see him, it’s strange because I just don’t match him any longer, and he’s still drawn onto the blood connection. I don’t know how much of him is him, and how much is the drugs, and how much might be whatever medical condition he’s working with. This evening he revealed that he stole a jacket from the Nugget Outfitter, so I let him know of my perspective, and then left – mostly because I didn’t have a lot to say to him, other than that I disagreed with his choice to steal, and that it was illegal, and I hoped that he would make amends at some point.
Next, came home to get a bite to eat, and then run to the post office to mail off the Return of the King that someone had bought from me over ebay – my paypal account is getting nicely round. I’ll be getting a Digital Camera in no time flat.
Last night before going to bed, I picked up The Richest Man in Babylon as it was a suggested reading a while back – it’s about finances and the laws surrounding them. I read another chapter this morning.
This evening I read another chapter from Travelling Light about reducing worry in our lives. The core point that I picked up on was that God will support us when the time comes because he leads us (example of the father handling the details and distributing tickets at the appointed time, not too late, not too early).
I also read Genesis 3-5 and Matthew 2. Gen 3-5 talk about Eve being deceived and then God talking with them about that. It left off by leading the lineage into Noah’s time. Matt 2 was about Jesus’s birth and the 3 wise men coming to greet him, and then Herod (the king of the area) wanting to have Jesus killed.
Lastly I read the 2nd chapter/day of the Purpose Driven Life. It’s core subject was that I am not an accident, and that God has created me for His purpose.
Verse to remember: “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.”