I don’t often recall my dreams. In fact, I’m mostly uncertain what leads to the recollection of these things. I generally fall fast asleep, and before I know it, the alarm is going off to wake me to the new day. Sometimes, on a weekend, I’ll remain in bed without an alarm and that seems to be the best route to find myself experiencing the dream state.

Last night, though I went to bed at a fairly standard time of 10pm, and was likely asleep at 10:30 after some brief journaling, I found myself nearly wide awake at 3am. Deciding to go back to bed, I fell quickly back to sleep. It seems in the last three hours, my dreams were alive again.

For the most part, I don’t like dreaming. As a kid, most of my dreams were of the scary, nightmare’ish variety. I would dream of a world tied to reality in which I was trapped in some way. Recalling the steps at the Juneau Christian Center at such a size that I could only go down the concentric ring of stairs, but they were just tall enough and I with no tools could not ever climb out. It’s a feeling of entrapment that I could never shake. That sensation would sometimes come to me in consciousness, as recently as last Tuesday while receiving a massage. My brain begins processing things as enormous entities, dwarfing me and creating a sense of fear out of nothing. I perceive things to be a different engorged size which of course is both strange and terrifying, “for we were grasshoppers in our own sight” (Numbers 13:33) as even the people around me are recognized as terrifyingly large.

And then there was the memorable ongoing childhood nightmare of being trapped on a ferry (that had it’s own onboard dock) and throughout the vessel I was chased and continuously entrapped by a host of Cyclops. I’ll save that one for another day.

Last night, it was a dream of sex. I don’t know why they come about, and generally, I don’t particularly mind them at the time – there don’t seem to be consequences beyond my woken response of guilt & regret. Last night I think I recognized the woman initially as Rekann, but then eventually noticed that she was Helen. It was in a place small and rundown by time, reminiscent of a trailer like room just larger than my mother’s own bedroom through my childhood. I don’t often recall the acts themselves, more the circumstances surrounding them. My “suitor” preparing for the act, or other innocuous details of engagement (like her adjusting a piece of insulation on the wall which released a tarp which had somehow been connected to the outside of the residence).

Maybe this links into what I had written last night before bed. Maybe it’s some type of consideration of what the future would be. Guilt in engaging with another in a post marital state. If Heather were to pass on this mortal coil and I find myself alone, would it be okay for me to begin the courtship again? Frankly I have no clue.

I can’t tell if I would rather outlive Heather or if she ought to outlive me. I would like to save her the pain of having me die and leave her behind, but simultaneously, I don’t want to steal the joy she may have in subsequent years with our family and friends. Of course this is easily flipped to myself. Do I want to stick around years beyond her death? I recognize that I don’t really have any control over these things. When it’s our time, it’s our time… As I was just reading this morning “Thy will be done.”

There’s a mantra good to live by.

-cb

While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.

We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.

Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:

I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.

So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?

Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?

Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…

Till next time,
-cb

The Risk Key, from You Were Born for This by Bruce Wilkinsen

Finally just picked up another book after what feels like months of absenteeism from reading. In reality it’s only been a couple of weeks or so, but when you’re in the dark for so long, it’s hard to say when you last saw light.

Anyhow, it was, as I had just articulated to Bill in a quick CommuniKate message, a divine appointment for me to read this passage at this time.

I frequently find messages from God sitting at my fingertips when I reach out to pick up a long untouched book. 100 pages in, where I happened to set it down months back, I find an answer today.

The Risk Key talks about how in order to execute a miracle for God, it requires a reaching, active faith which can be perceived as Risk. Simply stated:

p.96 The Risk Key is a purposeful action you take, in spite of discomfort or fear, to exercise your faith during a miracle delivery. Faced with an unbridgeable gap between what you can do and what God clearly wants done, you take a risk to act anyway, depending on Him to come through. When God supernaturally bridges the gap, He enables you to deliver His miracle and demonstrates His glory.

Where do I want to be in 2-5 years?

Married, free from debt, have control of money, as well as control of time. I want to be able to travel. I want to have a home at [location]. I want to be the earned head of my family, both financially and spiritually. I want to be the priest of my family, to lead them both in this world and spiritually. I want to be an over-comer of those things that are naturally stumbling blocks to me. I want to have the resources to put money into cause I believe in (alternative schooling, youth ministries, outdoor leadership education, at-risk youth development and more.) I want ot be able to travel the world and learn of the situations where people are hurting. To come to the determination that there are things in the world that need more time and money put into, and to place my resources there. I want ot be a four-pillared man that puts his action where his mouth is. My word is my bond. If I say that I will be there, I will be there, unequivocally. On the outside of that time frame, I want to be a father. I want to be developed enough as a person to be able to coach a person in this world. I want to be the example as a father and as a husband. I want my friends and peers to use me as the benchmark, to look to me for an example of how to do it right. I want to have control over my emotions, to be able to choose which ones I participate in, to know which feelings are useful, or not. I want to be able to have the toys, but not sink all my time into them. I want to have the best friendship with my wife. To be the one that she looks to all of the time, not just when things are good or things are bad. I want to show love to my family. To support them in all the things that they want to do. To provide the dream homes for my mother and mother-in-law; to be the best buddy of my father-in-law. I want to go on fishing trips around the world with him, or to show him his dreams. I want to be able to treat my brothers; to have the resources to get to know both Nicholas and Shane in a way that I have yet to imagine; to be the ideal brother. Provide the resources that they might be able to pursue their dreams. To help them learn to succeed, to help them understand the process. I want to lead other people to the Lord by my example, my Christian walk, and my ministries. I want to be able to have the bills paid in yearly sums. I want to provide for my family in such a way that we can focus on the things that are important to us, and not the burdens or stresses in life. Later in life, I want to be my children’s hero. I want them to be able to look up to me and know that of all the people in the world that they want to be like me, and want to follow in my footsteps. I want to have friends that I feel comfortable to have my wife around because I know their integrity and love for us.

Where do I not want to be in 2-5 years?

I despise the idea that I would still be working. I hate the idea that perhaps my wife could be working. That I have not changed as a person so that as a father and as a husband, I am a weenie, and I only help to continue the disfunctionality passed on from generation to generation. I hate the idea that I will not be in control. That someone could tell me what to do. It would be horrible to be controlled by my emotions. It would be atrocious to be unfaithful to my wife or to my God; that I continue to lie to myself without recognition of those false truths. That I never get to know my brother more than I already do, that my mother continues in her situation without help or support. That she continues to be emotionally driven, right into the ground, and she decides that she will keep working for ever and ever. To be in a situation where I lie to others, I commit sin, and I draw others away from the presence of God; that I am still living paycheck to paycheck or Friday to Friday. It would be my worst nightmare to recognize that I have thrown away an opportunity to do great things in my life. To accept a life of mediocrity, to give up on all the things that are good and right and true. To wake up one day and recognize that all of these things have come true, while my dream-world continues to dwindle away into nothingness. That someone pops my big rubber yellow ducky in my pool without me noticing it. To maintain an association of people that bring our spirits and dreams down to the low state that the happen to be in that day. To be around people that cut others down, that are crude and unaware of the impact that they could have on the world.

I love people.

I know that people are weird, but life is good.

I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.

Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.

There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.

I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.

I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.

SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!

To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.

Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:

1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.

I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.

This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!

All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.

In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.

No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.

My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.

This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.

At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.

I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.

I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.

I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.

I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.

My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.

My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.

originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…