Hmm… The strangeness of being me…
So here it is theree days before Family Reunion. Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.
Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.
- Big Penguin
- I don’t really see that this could go anywhere. I’m all mormon, and I like that (though I have challenges in my life that would qualify me as not so mormon). She’s catholic, but a cool gal. What would that do for me? She has some direction, but different spiritual life, and a nearly cynical outlook on life. I think it stems from her friendship with JH and KM. I get the distinct impression that she’s all about having the feel good relationship thing, but I don’t know about her willingness to change as much as relationships (especially with me) would require.
- Foggy Crystal.
- So what the heck… go from talking almost daily (I think…) to not at all. It makes me wonder if I did something to offend her… Should I be apologizing for something? She’s a great lady, with lots to offer in a relationship, but again, the cute ones always seem to look for the bad scenarios… Thinking of which, I’m sure that I could be considered a bad scenario. It is Tuesday, and with the frequency of her working on her computer, I would imagine that she has seen the email, which would also mean that she is ignoring the response. I suppose that it would sufficeth to say, “Oh well.” We’ll see where that relationship goes… I don’t see me mingling much with her group of friends… I’m not all about the drinking scene. Go figure. It’d be nice if people would address why they do the things that they do.
- Virgin Mary.
- Yep, I bet that’s a true one. Good for her. So I’ve made many mistakes. It makes me wonder if I can change my heart enough that I would be able to be worthy of someone who has chosen to save themselves for their husband. Would I be able to be strong enough? That’s the toughest part. Mary seems like a cool gal, but I don’t really know what more to make of her. Seems that she has developed a slight case of bitterness towards guys in general since things went not so well with David. It’d be nice to get to know her, but I really don’t know where to start that one. Besides, it sounds like she is interested in leaving Juneau for good just to get back to her home land so that she can have the good feelings again. I don’t blame her since she’s contemplating a Mission. That’s awesome. I wonder if I could meet the specs to attract a return missionary. How the heck do I change my heart that much! I can only do it with Christ. I like that, but it can be a hard thing to release the control that I have.
- Spanish Class
- Hmm, that was an interesting evening… I will have to thank her for her honesty and the willingness to chat with me. I don’t really get much of a chance to share those frustrations with anyone. Seems like most are biased in some way or another. It was nice to try to share the fact that I’ve found things within the language, that really are attractive, and that are great commodities. I only hope that the reaction will be mature, rather than some sort of disappearing act. That’d suck. Also about that, how do you bridge the culture differences? The different peers, the desires out of life, and the fact that they have desires to be places that are warm. What to do, what to do. Lunch will be good tomorrow. I wonder what’s to eat.
- Japanese Gardens
- I here there are deep meanings to those things. Very contemplative, and very serene. I see a lot of those same qualities in this one. Answers come quickly and are clear, however, in the amreican version, the ground seems to be muddled, and so the seeds have difficulties pushing through the challenges of the local soil.
I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen. I don’t know that she is the one though. I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers? What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.
It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship. I wonder why that is. I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete. Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.
And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that? What am I looking for? What the heck do I think I will find.
The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself? If I say that I do, do my actions back it up? Does my girlfriend desire to change herself? Do I facilitate that situation? So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.
I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen. She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community. I’m not even in the aquatic field! I work with computers! Grr.
So I’ve punched away and come up with a couple pages of comments. It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.
I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.
Good night,
-Cody Bennett