Many weeks ago (mid december?) I was asked to give my testimony to our community group. I still feel oddly disconnected, but I see it as some kind of duty to fulfill requests of sharing my story when people ask (like when I shared my experience with BBBS from stage). Anyhow, a couple weeks ago I shared from my heart, and stitched together a story illustrating how God had been pursuing me, and inevitably seeking to connect. My notes were pretty basic…
Read the rest of this entry »NKJV Numbers 14:28, [28]”Say to them, ‘As I live,’ says the Lord, ‘just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will do to you: [29] The carcasses of you who have complained against Me shall fall in this wilderness, all of you who were numbered, according to your entire number, from twenty years old and above. [30] Except for Caleb the son of JJephunneh and Joshua the son of Nun, you shall by no means enter the land which I swore I would make you dwell in. [31] But your little ones, whom you said would be victimes, I will bring in, and they shall know the land which you have despised.
NIV Numbers 14:28, [28] “So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Lord, I will do to you the very think I heard you say.”
I am blessed.
I am strong.
I am healthy.
I am lucky.
I am talented.
I am disciplined.
I am focused.
I am prosperous.
I am blessed with abundance.
I am fearfully & wonderfully made.
I am getting younger.
I am getting taller.
I am being renewed.
I am full of health, vitality, wholeness.
I am energetic.
I am young.
I am radient.
I am fresh.
I am beautiful.
I am made perfectly.
I am a masterpiece.
I am created in the image of God.
I am a miracle.
I am a king in God’s eyes.
I am quietly confident.
I am handpicked by the creator of the universe.
I am wonderful.
I am one of a kind.
I am valuable.
I am anointed.
I am a good learner.
I am full of wisdom.
I am lighter.
I am 175 lbs.
I am who God says I am.
I am a lender.
I am accepted.
I am able.
I am qualified.
I am empowered.
I am wise.
I am equipped.
I am free.
Make a list of a dozen or two of the I Am’s that you desire to have in your life.
What kinds of I am’s are coming from my mouth? Words have creative power. [Romans 4:18] Call the things that are not as you already were.
The I Am’s that are coming out of your mouth will bring success or failure.
It affects our future.
What follows the “I am”, will always come looking for you.
Get in agreement with God.
Negative reports spread faster than positive reports.
Agreement.
When two agree, all heaven and earth move in providence towards making the spoken reality come to tangible fruition.
“If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them. (Matt 18:19-20)”
Our marriage is an agreement to walk in our lives together along a path that we feel God leading us. When one is disrupted or distracted, our mission is derailed.
So, if agreement is powerful towards achieving any goal, why is it that we get derailed? I believe it is related to Satan’s efforts to poison our thoughts with doubt. He has the capacity, given the lack of intentional cultivation of our thoughts, to engage us in a dialog that leads us towards agreement against God’s word.
Prayer with your wife is invaluable. Bringing two together to reveal a shared heart, or to help bring understanding of the battles being lived under the surface as we pour ourselves out to him. Prayer together gives us two people agreeing on something. Prayer, to Satan, is powerful and dangerous. To God, it is powerful and part of the plan.
So the man is to offer up his strength. Yes, to some extent it will include muscles, but more often it is strength of spirit that is required. We must face the vulnerable state to engage and initiate. It can be terrifying, but for what? To put our heart on the line for someone we love? When did that become hard?
The other day I heard a snippet of a talk about the Man laying down his life for his Bride in the way that Christ laid down his life for the Church. We men (traditionally speaking) wear black and wait at the alter during the wedding because it is recognized that we are dying to ourselves, that we are sacrificing who we are to be who we need to be. I see this as a glimmer of Truth helping me to understand my own journey and actions in my marriage. I love Heather and I want to do everything in my power to enable her life and beauty to be full and fully enjoyed. She means the world to me, and I would happily step in front of any foe to protect and honor her. What does that mean for me now, here, today?
It means I need to give up my vices of comfort and false agreements that I use to hide from my true colors.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson
My doubting and fear only serves the purposes of Satan. Walking in faith and living with belief serve our God in the highest capacity. It gives us the chance to agree with him, and in such, to manifest his purpose for our lives.
Let’s agree to walk in His purpose for our lives.
Agreement.
While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.
We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.
Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:
I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.
So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?
Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?
Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…
Till next time,
-cb
It’s now 2010. In fact, January 3rd. Tomorrow I head back to the daily grind of working at UAS. I found myself nearly in tears at the futility of it, and the desire to be free of the all-to-frequent torture called “employment”.
That aside for the moment, I thought I’d do some quick journaling of the break and of the last year in keeping with the reflection process that I like to maintain.
First of all, the break. We’ve had 10 days off, weekends included from UAS. It’s been nice to have, and fun to stay up until all hours of the day, get an activity or two in away from the house, and then to spend time with Heather nearly the entire time. We had a chance to watch quite a few movies – mostly rentals (Avatar & Sherlock Holmes in the theater, at $10.50/ticket, interestingly.)
New years was good. We went out to a long dinner at the canton house and proceeded through some of the Glenn Bland Success Methods for planning and scoping the future. Heather is excited about any manner of planning, and I go into it with a more stoic mindset, but nonetheless, it was a good experience to talk about what we see for ourselves and our future. I took a few notes, of course, but don’t have my notebook nearby, so I can’t regale you with them now. After dinner, we came back to the house for a bit, and then ended up heading out to West Glacier trail with the Wildes crew. Generally, we spend new years doing some sledding at the Mendenhall Visitor Center area, but this year, there wasn’t any snow for us. Instead, it was remarkably cold, crisp, and had an incredibly bright moon that was casting shadows from anything it could get it’s reflected light around. I took a few pictures from the ice, and then a couple of group shots, and we called it a night.
Christmas was mostly good. I really enjoyed the process of pouring out fun and useful things to Heather. I might have gone a bit over the top in trying to get everything from her list, but of all the ways to have error in the process, that’s a good one. She was very thoughtful to me as well with things like a bike repair stand, an apple wireless access point, books, etc. She was on the receiving end for several books, gloves, socks, a chair (if it ever comes) movies, cooking items, and probably more. We even went above and beyond in designing and sending out a 2010 calendar with my photos for all of our friends and family. An order of 25 goes a long way. I think we only have 3-4 more.
2009 has treated me well. It feels like largely it’s been a blur. I can recall that in April, we got engaged (insert blur effect here) and then in June, married. That whole process was incredible, and a great example of what’s possible to two people when the dream is the driving motivator. We had tons of friends and family, and were able to have an incredible experience of love and connection with each other and our friends.
So, June happened, it was good. Blur some more. In September, Heather and I departed for our first-of-many honeymoon. Juneau to Seattle to San Francisco to (blur more) Memphis. It was absolutely wonderful to spend quality time with Heather and also with the Wildes on the road across the nation. We had some memories made, and some fun had, all with the joy of a 30+ foot RV. I’m still working on the photo album afterwards.
After the honeymoon, things seemed to have blurred by. We have been going to church at the Juneau Christian Center, and further had fun with the McGoey’s in a small group setting aimed towards improving our marriages. Interestingly, we are sparse to connect; I’m not sure if it’s based on mis-matched schedules, or if it’s another mechanism, but for the 3-4 times we’ve met, we’ve been talking about it for most of the year.
A little bit of benchmarking:
Technology in the house:
I’m not really sure what else I might want to note, but at just near 1000 words for this post, I think I’m doing pretty good for a recap. Let’s hope and pray and act as though 2010 will be the best year yet.
-cb
Today at church, there was a fellow who happened to be a missionary overseas, first within Indonesia, and now in Belgium. It must be an interesting life to live… I wonder about how one develops their living expenses and the like, but without getting too caught up in the details, I thought I would make a quick posting about the message he left with us.
Though it was a winding and interesting introduction which gave me the impression that he was largely looking at other christians as not good enough or rebirthed enough or something, he eventually landed on the premise that what we need to pursue as Christians and living our walk was simply to breath into others with compassion. He brought a great perspective of using Jesus’s example on earth as a mechanism to articulate how Christ never was demeaning or judging of people at his command; that he was a servant leader and truly compassionate towards their plight.
Christ is compassionate, and as we also work to be compassionate, we show another side to the world. Too many people judge. Too many people live without compassion to their friends, families and loved ones. Too many people live without compassion to the strangers and folks who they do not know well. The live without the love the Christ gave for us.
An interesting thought… How can one (myself) be more compassionate in daily activities? Rather than seeing someone as running down the wrong road, climbing a fruitless ladder, why not see them through eyes of compassion and joy in who they are, who they are created to be, and who they were created by. Having compassion for their present place in the journey empowers and exposes others to a love which we all seek out.
So yeah, let’s put it on thick with the trowel of the spirit: compassion with a double portion, spilling over into the lives of those we come in contact with. Heck, even insomuch that we can be compassionate to ourselves and our closest loved ones.
Haha… so I titled this “love is kinda” – just thought that was funny. On with the notes…
===Notes from the small group session===
1 John 4:19 We loved because he first loved us.
Romans 5:5 Hope does not disappoint us,, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy spirit, whom he has given us.
In many ways, our sensation of “needing” him is actually a calling of him for our love.
Loving someone when not feeling lovable.
love & respect: crazy cycle
philipians 2:1-4 if you have any encouragement from being united with christ… make joy complete by being like minded…(note the if-then statements)
long term perspective… don’t get caught up in the moment; consider our lifetime, consider eternal things.
===Thoughts===
Heather & I had a bit of a conflict earlier today where I was less than loving in my response to not listening to her explain her staying later at work prior to connecting with me. Really it was all a large misunderstanding. More thoughts coming later…
Hmm… The strangeness of being me…
So here it is theree days before Family Reunion. Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.
Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.
I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen. I don’t know that she is the one though. I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers? What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.
It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship. I wonder why that is. I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete. Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.
And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that? What am I looking for? What the heck do I think I will find.
The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself? If I say that I do, do my actions back it up? Does my girlfriend desire to change herself? Do I facilitate that situation? So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.
I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen. She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community. I’m not even in the aquatic field! I work with computers! Grr.
So I’ve punched away and come up with a couple pages of comments. It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.
I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.
Good night,
-Cody Bennett
January 27, 2002
From the Gray Journal
Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.
My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.
Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.
Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.
It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.
Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…
Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.
Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.
Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.
-Cody