RHONDA’S MESSAGE
Cody-
Finally, you started writng me back!!! 🙂
So.. wow… sounds like you’ve got a thick gravy of issues….by the way, thanks for choosing me to confide in. I know what it’s like to have certain issues that you just need the right type of person to confide in. But you obviously know that I’m always here for you and willing to listen:) And vice versa….
No problem. I know that with what we have shared, that you are who I can refer to as a sounding board, and your head is grounded so I wont have to deal with criticism and any unwanted advice (meaning you seem to know how to give wanted advice.)
So yeah… where to start with this all…. So let me start with some questions. How much of your past does Helen know about? Does she know about all the stuff that went down between you and Mika, and all that jazz? I think that you may have made some good guesses as to how she’ll react to the news, but then again, she’s a normal girl. Honestly, I’d be shocked and maybe angry or hurt… but if the relationship is worth keeping up, then I’d be more willing to move on and let the past be the past. That’s exactly how me and Jason turned out. I was SO trying to keep my past year and all that drama a secret from him… and then after that one night at the lake ( Labor Day weekend ), the subject of sex came up and he asked me how many people I’ve slept with. Boy, was I nervous!!! But I told him the truth. He was VERY shocked… and after I told him EVERYTHING that happened, he felt more comfortable with me and even shared some deep dark secrets of his own. So your outcome won’t necessarily come out “bad”, although it may be hard to accept what has happened in the past ( for both people ). Another question that I came up with, is why do you really want to end the relationship? Is it because you don’t want to tell her about your past? Or is it because you don’t find the desire to “be” in the relationship anymore?
How much of my past… I was going to tell you that she knew nearly everything, but I don’t think that is accurate when I sit and think about it. Back when we weren’t yet an item (x-mas break) and I screwed around with 2 different girls, I told her about that. It was hard, but since we weren’t dating, it was somehow forgiven. It was then that she gave me the impression that if we were actually dating, it would be (in my wording, not hers) unforgiveable. I don’t know if she knows that I have had sex with Mika, but I think she would assume. I haven’t said one way or the other.
“But if the relationship were worth keeping up…” Yeah, but I don’t know if she thinks that it is. I care for her immensely, but I really don’t know why she chooses to date me. She can list things left and right, but I can see any of them in a good friendship. Actually, that would be my ideal relationship, I think… It’s strange, I feel that I don’t really know how to be a good boyfriend.
For example: When Mindy and I were dating, I kissed this girl out at a retreat that I was on… She doesn’t know about it, and now, you and I are the only ones (other than the girl) that do. Because I can keep a secret, I know that if push comes to shove, I can hide just about anything from whoever – though that is not really my idea of fun, I’m just good at it. When Mika and I were an item (though not defined that way verbally) I wound up with another girl after we went to a movie with a group of friends (that Mika wasn’t at…) And then there is my experience with Helen…
I know, conceptually the basis for being a good boyfriend, I have learned and read, and practiced a lot of good technique, but at the same time, I haven’t been able to stay faithful with any ability, which isn’t really good.
That is another thing that I haven’t shared with Helen.
I think that in the case of you and Jason, your hiding was just of what you had experienced since you were apart. I have this feeling that if any of that happened in secrecy while you were together, it would be a whole different situation.
Another hard part about sharing with Helen, is that she doesn’t have the checkered past that I do. I can share with her all the different things that I have done or thought, or experienced. I can open up completely with all of my dark secrets, but from what I can tell, Helen has no dark secrets, Helen hasn’t hidden anything from me. I suppose that I am good at easing things out of other people. I can share a portion of my past which is deep enough to bring all the deep things out of other people, but I still have my reserve of dark things.
“Why do you want to end the relationship?” Simply put, I don’t. There are so many things that I love about Helen. She is a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out. I find that she can comfort me when things are awry, and I can support her in the same. Physically, the relationship is good. I don’t know that we will ever go any farther than we have as it will require that she breaks some monsterous fears that she has. I don’t want to push anything as it is… The reason that you may get that impression is because I don’t believe that I am good enough for her. She has been forthright and honest with me the entire time. She demands respect that though she can’t tell, I slack on. She trust’s me completely, though in the back room, I am unfaithful. Essentially, I’m a big jerk.
“Is it that you don’t want to tell her about your past?” No, it’s more that I don’t want to send her reeling into depression and sorrow. Maybe I am exaggerating on the matter and she’ll laugh and tell me that it was fun while it lasted. For some reason, I just don’t think that will happen…
“Or is it because you don’t find the desire to be in the relationship anymore?” I don’t know about that one. I would like to think that I want to be in the relationship, but in all reality, I don’t think I have been acting that way now that she is out of town. With what I know, actions are bred from thoughts. If my actions show that I am not committed to this relationship, I don’t think it would be accurate to say that I greatly desire to be in the relationship. But then again, I do want to be with her. Ack!
Those are the first couple of questions that came to mind after reading your email. I’ve got to run and get some errands done right now, but I hope that you write me back!!! And if you just can’t seem to fit it all in an email… my phone number is (415) 406-4039.
Rhonda:)