Those are the two topics I was thinking of writing about. Primarily I intended to write about pain or hurt this evening, and then I realized that the other day I had intended to write a bit about love… So now you get a truncated version of both.
Love.
Heather said she loves me, and frankly it brings tears to my eyes. I’m not sure what to make of it, as the whole experience of love and vulnerability scares me. I was hurt as a child, from my fathers absence to my own mistakes in past relationships, and I’m afraid that I might make some of the same mistakes I had in the past. I don’t want to cause pain, and I’m afraid that I have simply hidden reality rather than experiencing it. It’s much like that book “For Women Only” where men innately feel they are imposters, but I am afraid that it is so much deeper than that.
Pain.
Heather and I had some type (I’m not even sure) of thing this evening. I don’t know if it was her tone that I took offense to, or perhaps that I did something that she did not see my heart in. Either way, it’s a strained air between us. These don’t last, but it’s no fun having the pain exist. I feel accused and condemned for being myself, but I’m not sure if I have brought that criticism to myself through my actions towards heather.
Hurt.
My heart aches. I think it is at an absence of spiritual connection – I don’t feel the motivation or worth to pray. I get nervous that I am simply lip-syncing a prayer. The other day I found myself praying for a huge dream; one that scares me, and moves me, and gives my flesh motivation to do the work. I’m not sure that I see it yet, but it seems to come to focus slowly at times with my analytical approach.
Marriage.
More and more, day by day, person by person (almost), I get questioned, or commented about the prospect of Heather and I getting married. I despise the pressure, and would much rather retreat to a more protected land where I could think through things and come to an answer without the influence of peers who have no clue what they want in their life.
Alright, I’m going to get some sleep and awake with a new passion to maintain productivity through the morning and into the day. There is so much to be done in life, and I am the man to do it.
Have a good night!