Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006
Where to start?
It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.
The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.
This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?
It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.
So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.
So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?
Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.
Why Heather & why now?
Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?
What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.