So, where to start? I am sitting here in front of this computer, fingertips tender, body sore, and mind numb, and now what to say. First of all I suppose that I should explain the purpose of this letter. Though you may not have noticed through the duration of our ‘relationship’ I like to let my thoughts out on paper (or in this case on a screen) so that I can see what I am thinking. From time to time, the words that I write contradict themselves so if you notice that, know that it is a quite normal occurrence inside my head, and thus a cause for indecision at times. So, lucky you, you get to read what I have running through my head.

Periodically I try to explain all of my thoughts to someone but that really does not do them or myself any justice to the situation; infact, most of the time, it just confounds the situation. Now I find it interesting that I have the ability to discuss what I wrote, so save this because perhaps someday in the future it can be a document that enables us (mostly me) to have clarity in my discussions. When I can refer to something concrete (as in a piece of paper) it makes it harder for me to change what I was thinking or saying. I think all of that accurately explains why I am writing this. Okay, so on with the letter.

I am so fortunate that I had a chance to meet and get to know you, and it truly pleases me to say that I am a close friend of yours. I care about you immensely, if I had it my way I don’t know that I would spend much time away from you, because I care to know that you are safe and alright. Now of course I can’t really do that, but hey, it would be nice. The times that we have shared have been amazing and I pray that I will find someone else in my future that can fill the indelible footprints you have left on my mind and heart.

Now it would be inaccurate to say anything but I love you. However, because people as a general rule are protective of their domain and the like, I think it is safer for me to keep that all under wraps. I don’t know how your fiancé would take to that well. I certainly hope that everything works out for the best between you and Anthony, however, because I care about you to the extent that I do, I reserve the right to be fearful and anxious for you and your well being. I know that you deserve an incredible individual for a mate, however, it is unfortunate that I don’t know your groom to be well enough to say that he would pass the test.

I don’t know exactly what would be in the test, although I am sure that you are wondering what elements I might include. I suppose the regular stuff, you know: timed fitness trial, 1700 or above on the SAT’s, can stop speeding bullets with his teeth, and can jump over buildings in a single bound… Nothing too big. You hopefully can tell from that list that you are very valuable in my eyes. I think nothing small of you. Am I getting through?

Perhaps I can be more direct with addressing concerns. Know that these come from unconditional love for you and in no way are intended to put you either in a bad or defensive frame of mind.

Just imagine it all from my perspective… I get to know Tyson better through a mutual friend (Mindy) and so following natural course I wind up at his house watching a movie, and wow, Mika is there. Of course I knew of you before we had officially met at your house from being in the same group with you and Bo, but now I was in the same company as you. What’s more, I was sitting next to you! So the movie thing happened, and me, being myself, and you being yourself, began to flirt with each other and before either of us knew what was going on, we had kissed and spent the night together. Wow, what a night! I was thrilled… I don’t know how to explain it though, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was off at work. So yeah, our relationship continued and we got to know each other in a closer and closer fashion, I started to break down barriers that I hadn’t addressed because of your tender words and you were sharing things with me that I never would have dreamed of. Some things painful to hear of, and other things that were more exciting and fun. I couldn’t wait to get off of work to come see you. Wow. And the relationship continued.

I think we both agree that we were dating minus the titles, but because we hadn’t ever committed to one another, I felt that theoretically, I was still free on the market. That’s why I was willing to go and mess around with Kim. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake and that the relationship that we held was more valuable than that even without the titles attached. So trying to do the right thing I told you. It crushed me to see the sad look in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t gone and done that. Man I felt like a slug. Even now I am sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.

That done, the relationship we had went downhill from there. I don’t think that I have cried before losing someone in a relationship. I just thought of that as I was sitting here. You meant an incredible amount to me and it hurt so badly. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I think it was because I feel/felt that it was my undoing by screwing around with some other girl. Oh, the lessons we learn. I always seem to learn them the hard way no less. Go figure. So yeah, on with the letter, Cody.

So me being a relative creature of logic, I had a hard time with the breakup, not because of the breakup itself, it was more the inconsistencies in your reasoning. I’m sure I’ve tried to explain this before, but I know it wasn’t on paper so here you get to get it again! When you were breaking it off with me, you had said that things were ending with us because you wanted to feel free to date other guys, as in go out on dates, with out feeling guilty or feeling like you had to let me know. Not that I had a terrible problem with that, but, truth be told, I loved to spend time with you and if some other guy is, that would mean by logic, that I’m not. So okay, I suppose that I can handle that. But the next thing I know, you are dating Spencer. That wasn’t a bad thing at all, but let me explain. You had just told me that you wanted to date many guys, and not be in just one relationship. Um, you and Spencer, together? I think that means that you forgot about what you had told me just a couple weeks earlier, or you were lying to me, or you decided to change your mind because it suited you. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think of that situation and as it turned out (situations).

Oh shoot, time is running slim, I am headed off to get ready for Stake Conference today. I think I will be receiving the Melchezdik (sp?) Priesthood. Talk soon? I suppose that’s up to me isn’t it? So toodles for now. Cb

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