Many weeks ago (mid december?) I was asked to give my testimony to our community group. I still feel oddly disconnected, but I see it as some kind of duty to fulfill requests of sharing my story when people ask (like when I shared my experience with BBBS from stage). Anyhow, a couple weeks ago I shared from my heart, and stitched together a story illustrating how God had been pursuing me, and inevitably seeking to connect. My notes were pretty basic…
Read the rest of this entry »It’s no big thing to start journaling again – I’m often the reflective type, mulling things over throughout the day while immersed in other tasks. I want to get better about writing my thoughts down though as it helps in thinking through things and also in creating an archive of life.
I decided to move away from photography and it’s been a bit challenging knowing that my identity is still closely tied to that vein. People expect it of me, I easily see myself there, and yet here I am.
And, while this is only a hundred words or so, I’ll close it up – nature calls and I’ve got a few things to tackle before work.
Till next time,
-Cody
While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.
We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.
Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:
I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.
So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?
Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?
Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…
Till next time,
-cb
I’m not really sure what I’m looking to communicate in a short passage written in a journal entry tonight. I feel like I’ve been considering all sorts of things lately, my mind a blur with all matters of considerations from the state of my relationships, to considering the explanation for why I might choose to overeat or otherwise not allow myself to be in the most optimum health (another way of asking why I might be self-sabotaging.)
And in my blur of thought, lately I’ve been finding that whenever someone asks me what I’ve been up to lately, I can’t bring myself to explaining the cornucopia of thoughts prancing through my mind… Somehow it seems subpar, or otherwise uninteresting.
What a strange response.
I know that others deal with the same questioning that I do. I know that we all seek to be and achieve and love and give and live and love and grow more, but simultaneously, I react, or more accurately, act with some disregard for the Truth at the center of my heart.
What are all of these thoughts? I have no real clue. I feel incapable, likely to be found out. Unsure what the next step might be in the realization that I feel woefully prepared for the tasks ahead of me. I’m to be a Diamond? Great. How the heck does that happen? Show the plan? Riiight. You know that people ask questions and state their positions in some sort of all knowing scenario… some times? You never can be too sure. There are lots of folks out there that could, and who’s to say the next person won’t be the one to follow up and ask me a question that I don’t kno wwho to answer. Or maybe that I just don’t feel that I can relate with them. While it might be something simple to you, it’s life or death for myself and others.
Well, while my thoughts haven’t yet caudeified themselves, my eyes are burning from the onion of dinner and the late night after the long day. I’m heading to sleep, but with any luck, I’ll be sure to sign in another time soon to keep pounding away at a keyboard in hopes that I can get these thoughts onto the page and that I can review them for validity & reflection.
G’night.
-cb
I’m sometimes perplexed by my reaction to certain comments. I wish that in a moment’s notice I can find the way to articulate the feeling that hits me. It’s different every time, but I find the bewilderment of why I’m frustrated or angered to be odd – why don’t I know what I’m feeling? Why is it that my horse even reacted in the first place? It wants to keep me as I am all the way to the grave, but why would I be prompted to react in such a visceral way, without any indication of what the feeling is of.
“I really wish you wouldn’t pick at your face.”
“Like I wish you wouldn’t chew your nails?”
Bam. Emotions are off and running.
I’m hurt. She’s right, it’s not in alignment with what I want to chew my nails. It’s not so much that it hurts me everytime, but it’s a constant nagging at the tips of my fingers to draw my attention closer…
[i ended there, distracted with the iphone poker]
It’s Sunday, March 28th.
Big week. Last Tuesday I had the idea to look for distance photography courses, and came across Hallmark.edu which is an intensive 10-month program suited to provide folks with the skills necessary for a career in photography. My attention has been captured, and I have a new dream with all manners of energy pouring forward for it.
After pondering, talking and consulting, I’ve decided to apply. Now, this of course means that after applying comes acceptance, and after acceptance comes payment, and after payment means attendance. If you know me at all, you’ll know that I have made a concerted effort since my childhood to remain solvent. While I’ve done a lot of silly things and made a lot of rediculous mistakes, I’ve done OK for myself. But, even still, the tuition/fee of Hallmark rings at just shy of $60,000. That said, Heather and I will be leaving our employment income and pursuing school for 10 months, and our goal is to remain debt free.
So, now is when the rubber hits the road. I have around 3 months to execute something astounding; I will create a passive income to the tune of $1500-2500/month so that we can pursue the opportunity. I think it’s possible that I could liquify the assets that we have as well as receiving scholarships & grants in order to pay for tuition/fees. However, as we’ll be in a new place with no certain source of income, we will produce a business in the next three months that will finance our lifestyle.
It will be an amazing learning curve. We live in the USA, the greatest country in the world with the most amazing resources available to us. It will require radically altering our pursuits, but with the newfound motivation, my past experience, and the help of friends and mentors, it is absolutely achievable.
We’re still in the scoping stage to figure out how much money will be required to make the dream a reality. If everything goes to plan, orientation starts on September 8th with our departure on approximately August 25th.
I just finished reading the first couple of chapters from How to Win Friends & Influence People and in the second chapter, it begins with highlighting the fact that we’re creatures who are excited to pursue our innermost greatest desires: the desire for importance. Carnegie further clarifies that there are some basic needs that we have. As the book reads:
Some of the things most people want include:
- Health and the preservation of life
- Food
- Sleep
- Money and the things money will buy.
- Life in the hereafter
- Sexual gratification
- The well-being of our children
- A feeling of importance
For some reason I noticed that number six.
Why is it that, for most of these items, we leave the topics out of the normal dialog throughout our life. Why aren’t we willing to have that as a topic of conversation between “friends” and even with enemies. Is there something to hide from?
I think of the people around my office and these things aren’t spoken of. I spend time with “friends” and find that the line of conversation rarely gets into this topic. Interestingly, I do find that folks from the world wide stage; a stage in the public eye, no less, is where I find people most talking about the above things.
Why is it that the success of life is predicated on talking about those things which we greatly desire? The law of attraction, that’s why. Why is it that common people, in common conversation, are never engaged in a higher pursuit; engaged in pursuing the above list. Talking about it, working towards it, and living it?
I guess I’ll learn to talk about it and live the life that I have always dreamed of.
Heather came downstairs this morning with a hurt look in her eye, and in talking about it, she explains that it hurts that she has been pursuing me for the last several days and yet, we have not had any sex in that time.
This is such an interesting situation. I love her dearly, find her remarkably attractive, but find myself more deeply enjoying the side-by-side time at the moment.
I read from “for men only” by jeff feldhahn and find that only 1 in 4 relationships tend to have this dynamic. For some reason my sex drive is less than hers. Maybe it’s that hers is stronger than the average, but if I had to pin it down, I’d say that mine was misplaced.
I still struggle with fidelity of my eyes; I engage with pornography each week. Depending on the week, it’s 2-3 times or so. I can only imagine that this dilutes my vision of my wife.
I love her deeply, more so than I ever have before. I am committed to her, for life, more than ever before. I desire to make her dreams come true, and yet, because of this transgression, our relationship suffers.
Is it that I enjoy release? Is it that sex can be awkward? Is it that I am afraid of being thought unmanly? Is it because I am looking for things that I will never be able to find? How is it that other men have narrowed their vision? How is it that I can filter my thoughts to be solely for her?
Just got back to Juneau yesterday from the 2010 Dream Night events that we attended. In Bellevue, we attended the Bob & Shelley Kummer and Dave & Jan Severn Dream Night, while in Seattle the next evening we went to see Dean Kosage and Brad & Julie Duncan.
Both evenings were amazing in their own right. Each speaker had their own style and flair and helped paint the dream or provide tools for developing the dream in everyone present. This is a quick post to recap the Top 5’s as prompted by Dean Kosage during his talk…
— — —
Top 5 People who you spend time with?
Is the income of the above people going up or down?
Is the health of the above people going up or down?
Top 5 things that I read:
Top 5 things I listen to:
Top 5 uses of discretionary time:
After 15 minutes with anyone in your house, use 60 seconds to ask their initial impression of what the house says to them. What would they say?
Looking forward, what would I like my future to behold? In order to achieve that, what ought my answers be below?
Top 5 people to hang out with in 2010?
Top 5 things to read in 2010?
Top 5 things to listen to in 2010?
What would I like my home to say?