Many weeks ago (mid december?) I was asked to give my testimony to our community group. I still feel oddly disconnected, but I see it as some kind of duty to fulfill requests of sharing my story when people ask (like when I shared my experience with BBBS from stage). Anyhow, a couple weeks ago I shared from my heart, and stitched together a story illustrating how God had been pursuing me, and inevitably seeking to connect. My notes were pretty basic…

It’s no big thing to start journaling again – I’m often the reflective type, mulling things over throughout the day while immersed in other tasks. I want to get better about writing my thoughts down though as it helps in thinking through things and also in creating an archive of life.

I decided to move away from photography and it’s been a bit challenging knowing that my identity is still closely tied to that vein. People expect it of me, I easily see myself there, and yet here I am.

And, while this is only a hundred words or so, I’ll close it up – nature calls and I’ve got a few things to tackle before work.

Till next time,

-Cody

NKJV Numbers 14:28, [28]”Say to them, ‘As I live,’ says the Lord, ‘just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will do to you: [29] The carcasses of you who have complained against Me shall fall in this wilderness, all of you who were numbered, according to your entire number, from twenty years old and above. [30] Except for Caleb the son of JJephunneh and Joshua the son of Nun, you shall by no means enter the land which I swore I would make you dwell in. [31] But your little ones, whom you said would be victimes, I will bring in, and they shall know the land which you have despised.

NIV Numbers 14:28, [28] “So tell them, ‘As surely as I live, declares the Lord, I will do to you the very think I heard you say.”

I am blessed.
I am strong.
I am healthy.
I am lucky.
I am talented.
I am disciplined.
I am focused.
I am prosperous.
I am blessed with abundance.
I am fearfully & wonderfully made.
I am getting younger.
I am getting taller.
I am being renewed.
I am full of health, vitality, wholeness.
I am energetic.
I am young.
I am radient.
I am fresh.
I am beautiful.
I am made perfectly.
I am a masterpiece.
I am created in the image of God.
I am a miracle.
I am a king in God’s eyes.
I am quietly confident.
I am handpicked by the creator of the universe.
I am wonderful.
I am one of a kind.
I am valuable.
I am anointed.
I am a good learner.
I am full of wisdom.
I am lighter.
I am 175 lbs.
I am who God says I am.
I am a lender.
I am accepted.
I am able.
I am qualified.
I am empowered.
I am wise.
I am equipped.
I am free.

Make a list of a dozen or two of the I Am’s that you desire to have in your life.

What kinds of I am’s are coming from my mouth? Words have creative power. [Romans 4:18] Call the things that are not as you already were.

The I Am’s that are coming out of your mouth will bring success or failure.

It affects our future.

What follows the “I am”, will always come looking for you.

Get in agreement with God.

Negative reports spread faster than positive reports.

It’s been a freakin’ long time since I’ve taken a moment to post, so I’m here again to check in, although I might not be particularly thorough in my writings. Alas, it’s the way a jumble mind works.

Heather is sleeping, it’s our date night, and while I’m having a lovely time by myself perusing facebook and playing poker on my iphone, I’m sure I could be altogether more productive. But again, here I am.

I guess some reflection was (past) due.

In less than a week, Heather and I will depart on a fun-filled and fairly frantic frolick (sp?) far from home. Ha.

Here’s what’s going to happen:

Friday: Juneau to Portland.
Sunday: Portland to Seattle.
Monday: Seattle to Carson City.
Thursday: Carson City to Denver.
Sunday: Denver to Nebraska.
Monday: Nebraska to Denver, to Seattle.
Monday through Sunday: All around the greater Seattle Area for Eli’s wedding. (Port Townsend, Seattle, Leavenworth, maybe even down to Portland.)
Monday: Back to Juneau.

I’m excited, I’m scared. I’m daunted, I’m calm. It should be a great trip.

Heather’s Dad, Grandfather and Aunt will all be at the Portland FED, and Grandpa Beaudette will be recognized as one of the veterans. Very cool.

Okay, my brain was more enthusiastic than my fingers; I’m ready to tie it down for the moment. But maybe in my reflective state, I’ll be back soon! We’ll see…

Agreement.

When two agree, all heaven and earth move in providence towards making the spoken reality come to tangible fruition.

“If two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them. (Matt 18:19-20)”

Our marriage is an agreement to walk in our lives together along a path that we feel God leading us. When one is disrupted or distracted, our mission is derailed.

So, if agreement is powerful towards achieving any goal, why is it that we get derailed? I believe it is related to Satan’s efforts to poison our thoughts with doubt. He has the capacity, given the lack of intentional cultivation of our thoughts, to engage us in a dialog that leads us towards agreement against God’s word.

Prayer with your wife is invaluable. Bringing two together to reveal a shared heart, or to help bring understanding of the battles being lived under the surface as we pour ourselves out to him. Prayer together gives us two people agreeing on something. Prayer, to Satan, is powerful and dangerous. To God, it is powerful and part of the plan.

So the man is to offer up his strength. Yes, to some extent it will include muscles, but more often it is strength of spirit that is required. We must face the vulnerable state to engage and initiate. It can be terrifying, but for what? To put our heart on the line for someone we love? When did that become hard?

The other day I heard a snippet of a talk about the Man laying down his life for his Bride in the way that Christ laid down his life for the Church. We men (traditionally speaking) wear black and wait at the alter during the wedding because it is recognized that we are dying to ourselves, that we are sacrificing who we are to be who we need to be. I see this as a glimmer of Truth helping me to understand my own journey and actions in my marriage. I love Heather and I want to do everything in my power to enable her life and beauty to be full and fully enjoyed. She means the world to me, and I would happily step in front of any foe to protect and honor her. What does that mean for me now, here, today?

It means I need to give up my vices of comfort and false agreements that I use to hide from my true colors.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

My doubting and fear only serves the purposes of Satan. Walking in faith and living with belief serve our God in the highest capacity. It gives us the chance to agree with him, and in such, to manifest his purpose for our lives.

Let’s agree to walk in His purpose for our lives.

Agreement.

I’m typing on a bluetooth keyboard which is part of my Zaggmate which I just got to accompany my ipad. So far, I like it quite a bit. It’s easy to use, and while it’ll take a little while for me to get used to the small keys, it works.

Also, I am very used to keyboard commands which might not work on an ipad. Like switching apps? Command+Tab doesn’t really cut it.

Anyhow, just a quick post.

In an effort to process some of the random thoughts that are often flying through my head, I’m trying to stay on top of the journaling effort. I don’t recall if I posted each of the prior entries to the journal blog for future review, but I should check that… 🙂

So, on to the random musings from my day…

Work was work. Done at 4, but late because of problems with UAA technology. Mom finished up the final elements of the paperwork for the inheritance detail. I would like to get that sent out asap to get the funds for the possibility of attending the bennett family reunion. I really need to get a clear picture of if I’d like to bring Shane, Nick, my mother, or whomever else might be prudent to bring along for such an event.

Also in my thinking about my thoughts, I noticed that I realized that folks often look (and likely are) dealing with something. For me it’s fuzzy, but I think related to self image/self worth. For others, I’d have to guess the same. It seems that they are often caused by different experiences, but really, at the core of the issue, we don’t resonate with God’s love, so perpetually there is a hole to be filled.

But alas, it’s 12:30am and I’m planning to be up in 5.5 hours. I think I’ll get to bed and keep cogitating on some of these things…

I don’t often recall my dreams. In fact, I’m mostly uncertain what leads to the recollection of these things. I generally fall fast asleep, and before I know it, the alarm is going off to wake me to the new day. Sometimes, on a weekend, I’ll remain in bed without an alarm and that seems to be the best route to find myself experiencing the dream state.

Last night, though I went to bed at a fairly standard time of 10pm, and was likely asleep at 10:30 after some brief journaling, I found myself nearly wide awake at 3am. Deciding to go back to bed, I fell quickly back to sleep. It seems in the last three hours, my dreams were alive again.

For the most part, I don’t like dreaming. As a kid, most of my dreams were of the scary, nightmare’ish variety. I would dream of a world tied to reality in which I was trapped in some way. Recalling the steps at the Juneau Christian Center at such a size that I could only go down the concentric ring of stairs, but they were just tall enough and I with no tools could not ever climb out. It’s a feeling of entrapment that I could never shake. That sensation would sometimes come to me in consciousness, as recently as last Tuesday while receiving a massage. My brain begins processing things as enormous entities, dwarfing me and creating a sense of fear out of nothing. I perceive things to be a different engorged size which of course is both strange and terrifying, “for we were grasshoppers in our own sight” (Numbers 13:33) as even the people around me are recognized as terrifyingly large.

And then there was the memorable ongoing childhood nightmare of being trapped on a ferry (that had it’s own onboard dock) and throughout the vessel I was chased and continuously entrapped by a host of Cyclops. I’ll save that one for another day.

Last night, it was a dream of sex. I don’t know why they come about, and generally, I don’t particularly mind them at the time – there don’t seem to be consequences beyond my woken response of guilt & regret. Last night I think I recognized the woman initially as Rekann, but then eventually noticed that she was Helen. It was in a place small and rundown by time, reminiscent of a trailer like room just larger than my mother’s own bedroom through my childhood. I don’t often recall the acts themselves, more the circumstances surrounding them. My “suitor” preparing for the act, or other innocuous details of engagement (like her adjusting a piece of insulation on the wall which released a tarp which had somehow been connected to the outside of the residence).

Maybe this links into what I had written last night before bed. Maybe it’s some type of consideration of what the future would be. Guilt in engaging with another in a post marital state. If Heather were to pass on this mortal coil and I find myself alone, would it be okay for me to begin the courtship again? Frankly I have no clue.

I can’t tell if I would rather outlive Heather or if she ought to outlive me. I would like to save her the pain of having me die and leave her behind, but simultaneously, I don’t want to steal the joy she may have in subsequent years with our family and friends. Of course this is easily flipped to myself. Do I want to stick around years beyond her death? I recognize that I don’t really have any control over these things. When it’s our time, it’s our time… As I was just reading this morning “Thy will be done.”

There’s a mantra good to live by.

-cb

While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.

We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.

Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:

I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.

So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?

Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?

Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…

Till next time,
-cb

I’m not really sure what I’m looking to communicate in a short passage written in a journal entry tonight. I feel like I’ve been considering all sorts of things lately, my mind a blur with all matters of considerations from the state of my relationships, to considering the explanation for why I might choose to overeat or otherwise not allow myself to be in the most optimum health (another way of asking why I might be self-sabotaging.)

And in my blur of thought, lately I’ve been finding that whenever someone asks me what I’ve been up to lately, I can’t bring myself to explaining the cornucopia of thoughts prancing through my mind… Somehow it seems subpar, or otherwise uninteresting.

What a strange response.

I know that others deal with the same questioning that I do. I know that we all seek to be and achieve and love and give and live and love and grow more, but simultaneously, I react, or more accurately, act with some disregard for the Truth at the center of my heart.

What are all of these thoughts? I have no real clue. I feel incapable, likely to be found out. Unsure what the next step might be in the realization that I feel woefully prepared for the tasks ahead of me. I’m to be a Diamond? Great. How the heck does that happen? Show the plan? Riiight. You know that people ask questions and state their positions in some sort of all knowing scenario… some times? You never can be too sure. There are lots of folks out there that could, and who’s to say the next person won’t be the one to follow up and ask me a question that I don’t kno wwho to answer. Or maybe that I just don’t feel that I can relate with them. While it might be something simple to you, it’s life or death for myself and others.

Well, while my thoughts haven’t yet caudeified themselves, my eyes are burning from the onion of dinner and the late night after the long day. I’m heading to sleep, but with any luck, I’ll be sure to sign in another time soon to keep pounding away at a keyboard in hopes that I can get these thoughts onto the page and that I can review them for validity & reflection.

G’night.

-cb