I don’t often recall my dreams. In fact, I’m mostly uncertain what leads to the recollection of these things. I generally fall fast asleep, and before I know it, the alarm is going off to wake me to the new day. Sometimes, on a weekend, I’ll remain in bed without an alarm and that seems to be the best route to find myself experiencing the dream state.
Last night, though I went to bed at a fairly standard time of 10pm, and was likely asleep at 10:30 after some brief journaling, I found myself nearly wide awake at 3am. Deciding to go back to bed, I fell quickly back to sleep. It seems in the last three hours, my dreams were alive again.
For the most part, I don’t like dreaming. As a kid, most of my dreams were of the scary, nightmare’ish variety. I would dream of a world tied to reality in which I was trapped in some way. Recalling the steps at the Juneau Christian Center at such a size that I could only go down the concentric ring of stairs, but they were just tall enough and I with no tools could not ever climb out. It’s a feeling of entrapment that I could never shake. That sensation would sometimes come to me in consciousness, as recently as last Tuesday while receiving a massage. My brain begins processing things as enormous entities, dwarfing me and creating a sense of fear out of nothing. I perceive things to be a different engorged size which of course is both strange and terrifying, “for we were grasshoppers in our own sight” (Numbers 13:33) as even the people around me are recognized as terrifyingly large.
And then there was the memorable ongoing childhood nightmare of being trapped on a ferry (that had it’s own onboard dock) and throughout the vessel I was chased and continuously entrapped by a host of Cyclops. I’ll save that one for another day.
Last night, it was a dream of sex. I don’t know why they come about, and generally, I don’t particularly mind them at the time – there don’t seem to be consequences beyond my woken response of guilt & regret. Last night I think I recognized the woman initially as Rekann, but then eventually noticed that she was Helen. It was in a place small and rundown by time, reminiscent of a trailer like room just larger than my mother’s own bedroom through my childhood. I don’t often recall the acts themselves, more the circumstances surrounding them. My “suitor” preparing for the act, or other innocuous details of engagement (like her adjusting a piece of insulation on the wall which released a tarp which had somehow been connected to the outside of the residence).
Maybe this links into what I had written last night before bed. Maybe it’s some type of consideration of what the future would be. Guilt in engaging with another in a post marital state. If Heather were to pass on this mortal coil and I find myself alone, would it be okay for me to begin the courtship again? Frankly I have no clue.
I can’t tell if I would rather outlive Heather or if she ought to outlive me. I would like to save her the pain of having me die and leave her behind, but simultaneously, I don’t want to steal the joy she may have in subsequent years with our family and friends. Of course this is easily flipped to myself. Do I want to stick around years beyond her death? I recognize that I don’t really have any control over these things. When it’s our time, it’s our time… As I was just reading this morning “Thy will be done.”
There’s a mantra good to live by.
-cb
Heather came downstairs this morning with a hurt look in her eye, and in talking about it, she explains that it hurts that she has been pursuing me for the last several days and yet, we have not had any sex in that time.
This is such an interesting situation. I love her dearly, find her remarkably attractive, but find myself more deeply enjoying the side-by-side time at the moment.
I read from “for men only” by jeff feldhahn and find that only 1 in 4 relationships tend to have this dynamic. For some reason my sex drive is less than hers. Maybe it’s that hers is stronger than the average, but if I had to pin it down, I’d say that mine was misplaced.
I still struggle with fidelity of my eyes; I engage with pornography each week. Depending on the week, it’s 2-3 times or so. I can only imagine that this dilutes my vision of my wife.
I love her deeply, more so than I ever have before. I am committed to her, for life, more than ever before. I desire to make her dreams come true, and yet, because of this transgression, our relationship suffers.
Is it that I enjoy release? Is it that sex can be awkward? Is it that I am afraid of being thought unmanly? Is it because I am looking for things that I will never be able to find? How is it that other men have narrowed their vision? How is it that I can filter my thoughts to be solely for her?
Journaling
June 6, 2007
From opening a past journal entry from May 30, 2006, I read that I was under the suspicion that Helen might be pregnant. I’m a year out, but still having sex with her. Sigh.
Heather and I have been developing, but I have a hard time with maintaining chastity. I’m reading (and rereading) a book that I picked up from the Goads table at Spring Leadership named “Man’s Greatest Battle”.
In it, they hit upon a point that has been hovering in my consciousness for the past few days. It explains the challenge and then gets to the point of making a decision, and then very clearly outlines the following: We have the Freedom and Authority to make any decision we’re so inclined. What we are lacking at any given moment is Urgency.
How does one drive things to the urgent list? How do I make my business urgent? How do I increase the urgency of things that are important to me? How can I break my bad habits through identifying the urgent requirement of change?
Freedom + Authority = Power.
I have the power. I just need to DECIDE and follow through.
I’ll close for now, but this subject is far from complete. I’ll have to touch upon it some other time.
Journaling
April 3, 2006
“Why not me?” she asks.
Well, why not?
Helen has been a great friend and girlfriend, and many people would be lucky to have a chance with a girl like her. And if that’s the case, why is it that I’m not willing to take on the responsibilities of being hers?
She feeds me constantly, provides massage nearly every day, and is willing to engage in sex whenever I’m interested. If guys only knew how good I have it, they’d be fools to not want the same thing.
So, if that’s the case, why is it that I’m considering dating Heather?
Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006
Where to start?
It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.
The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.
This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?
It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.
So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.
So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?
Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.
Why Heather & why now?
Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?
What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.
June 4, 2004
Day number two in a row! Neat!
Alright, briefly about the day… Went to work, was distracted a lot by dreamweaver, though that wasn’t entirely bad cause I’m learning about CSS. It has lots of potential, but there’s certainly a learning curve. I talked with Heather (?) for about an hour today. She’s the one with arthritis and a conspiracy theory against computers. That was neat. It was nice to share with her, though I don’t want to give an impression that I’m interested. I would be alright with getting to know her I suppose… She’s set high standards that would be good to learn from. Went to talk with Dr. Shepro today about orthodics. He, of course, is biased about his strategy and it seems that Patrick is naturally biased towards his training. I went ahead and set up time to meet with Patrick which was nice. It was at the end of the day, so that gave a little leeway for asking questions about whatever I could think of. Basically I took away that I don’t really need orthotics, but it is most important to stretch out my calves and quads… I am really tight there (duh.) From there I had ultimate, which naturally was a good time, though I was tiring more easily than I had been expecting. I had a collision with Anna that rolled my ankle slightly and my thumb/wrist pain decided to act up, so I ended up calling it quits a couple points earlier than everyone else. I then walked to Breeze In to return Anger Management. It was a good movie, but not really my style, some of the humor was a bit rough. Not crude, just not really my style. During the walk over there Helen wanted to talk, so we did – the entire hour that I was there! I actually was hoping to get some CommuniKate in, but that didn’t happen.
Right now, it’s 12:18, so I think I’m being consistent with my sleeping patterns I suppose. I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:30 so I’ll be going to bed here shortly.
More thoughts about the relationship thing with Helen… Well, I keep getting the feel that I am going to be breaking up with her, though I don’t really want to run from something that I should be addressing in the course of the relationship – namely the sexual aspect. In talking with Bill & Sharon, it’s pretty obvious that the next step that I need to pursue is what I want to accomplish, and how breaking up (or staying together) might support that direction. Sound advice, but naturally, not the easiest to follow.
Alright, so that’s enough for the moment – I’m headed to bed. G’night.
June 3, 2004
Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.
I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.
I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.
On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…
I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.
This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.
Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.
Okay, so another day down. Work at the helpdesk was good, nothing unique to report other than my training of Holly. It was good, though I like training when contacts are coming in.
Another good thing was that we talked about our interlude. I suppose we were both aware that it might be awkward working together. I found that she wasn’t upset with me, and that is good. Right now the air is cleared. We’ll see what happens. Adriana backed out of climbing at the rock dump… that was lame. In retrospect, I gave her a real hard time about that. I want to do that less (give hard times.) Perhaps we’ll go soon. I think Friday is the planned time.
Tyson gets back tomorrow. Oh my gosh. It’s been 2 years already! Yikes. I wonder what he will think about my activity level. I hope he is graceful about it. I’d guess he would.
Helen paged me today, just a little note/msg to let me know that she loves me. I wonder what love means.
I still might go to fairbanks in a couple of weeks. I’m waiting for a guy at statewide to get back to me about it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow.
I talked with Eric for a while today about the housing arrangement… It seemed to go well, but we’ll see what happens with Amanda. I wish there was some easy way to accomplish everyone’s desires. Likely not, but it’d be kinda neat.
Tomorrow there is a Pohl BP here. I need to use some time to clean, and maybe do some dishes too.
Oh today I found out that I have female sperm. I guess all guys have it, but needless to say, I was a bit surprised.
Well, I’ve still got some reading.
Night!
-Cody
Due to the depressive-ness of being alone, I plan to list out what I want in a partner.
What I Want in a Partner:
Right now, I plan to look into Crystal Novotney, Olivia Lee, Mara Early?. I know Crystal knows how I feel about her. She is committed to Andy. I think I should move on. Olivia is fun to be around & craves a lot of the things I do:
I admire Crystal because of her looks, moods (happy, sad, confused), almost a blonde approach to life, honesty, pity (she lost virginity before 16), smart (not really academically), quick witted, fun, emotional. I admire Olivia for her intelligence, resposibility, quietness, openness, honesty, and the fact we’re both interested in the same things (see previous). I like Mara for her commitment to what she has her mind set on, her playfullness, honesty, and friendlyness. I’ll try Olivia, see if I can at least get her to go out with me. I’d like to make out with someone to learn what it’s like although breaking maybe more troubles than its worth. Life can be fun, it can also be a pain, it’s up to the liver to determine what the quality of life will be. I think it was last thursday, I talked to crystal – we covered the fact that I love her, the realm of religion, and smaller items which I can’t recall. She invited me to go to church w/her I am kind of kicking myself that I didn’t take her up on her offer it may of provided a door to her life. It definitely would have been cool seeing where she was coming from. Maybe I’ll look into it when I have a g-friend so that I can go to learn instead of going ’cause of love or an attempt to get into her heart. Unfortunately from what I have heard, she is set into her ways. (not something I want) I will work on finding someone that meets the criteria listed earlier in this entry. Recetnly I got into chatting on the internet c-sex can be fun and exciting and chat can be a way to find answers and sometimes give answers. Both of which I’m working on. Got to hit the hay… later — Today we had superbowl XXXI – Green bay packers vs. New England Patriots the score = 21-35 green bay —