I’m sometimes perplexed by my reaction to certain comments. I wish that in a moment’s notice I can find the way to articulate the feeling that hits me. It’s different every time, but I find the bewilderment of why I’m frustrated or angered to be odd – why don’t I know what I’m feeling? Why is it that my horse even reacted in the first place? It wants to keep me as I am all the way to the grave, but why would I be prompted to react in such a visceral way, without any indication of what the feeling is of.
“I really wish you wouldn’t pick at your face.”
“Like I wish you wouldn’t chew your nails?”
Bam. Emotions are off and running.
I’m hurt. She’s right, it’s not in alignment with what I want to chew my nails. It’s not so much that it hurts me everytime, but it’s a constant nagging at the tips of my fingers to draw my attention closer…
[i ended there, distracted with the iphone poker]
Heather came downstairs this morning with a hurt look in her eye, and in talking about it, she explains that it hurts that she has been pursuing me for the last several days and yet, we have not had any sex in that time.
This is such an interesting situation. I love her dearly, find her remarkably attractive, but find myself more deeply enjoying the side-by-side time at the moment.
I read from “for men only” by jeff feldhahn and find that only 1 in 4 relationships tend to have this dynamic. For some reason my sex drive is less than hers. Maybe it’s that hers is stronger than the average, but if I had to pin it down, I’d say that mine was misplaced.
I still struggle with fidelity of my eyes; I engage with pornography each week. Depending on the week, it’s 2-3 times or so. I can only imagine that this dilutes my vision of my wife.
I love her deeply, more so than I ever have before. I am committed to her, for life, more than ever before. I desire to make her dreams come true, and yet, because of this transgression, our relationship suffers.
Is it that I enjoy release? Is it that sex can be awkward? Is it that I am afraid of being thought unmanly? Is it because I am looking for things that I will never be able to find? How is it that other men have narrowed their vision? How is it that I can filter my thoughts to be solely for her?
How do you help people? Should you help them? How do you encourage people to grow themselves?
When other people ask those questions about me, how would I hope they respond? Should I tell them to continue pressing on? Should I tell them to give up hope? Push harder? Be gentler? What tactic works best to create the best instance of me?
When other people come into my life and find themselves sharing their load and burdens with me, what’s the best way I can handle the situation? I know that the best vehicle and tools that I have ever seen are to be found with worldwide and amway global. There is no close second. If I know that, why do I continue to hold back from reaching out to those I don’t know (or even those I do) to help encourage them to become better and more, and to abandon their present path, even though they cling to it from familiarity.
I just finished sitting with Sterling and Alex who relayed their concerns and challenges about a variety of topics, and the thing I kept thinking was simply that Bill had chatted with me yesterday very simply about the “Power of Association”.
I am destined for greatness. I am capable beyond all understanding. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Who am I to not be great? God has made me, and he done good.
And here I sit, late into the evening, and wondering still about my purpose; concerned at the divergence of purity and dilution. Do I keep on the straight and narrow, or do I venture off into the weeds and vines and get caught up with all that the Lord has left out of his picture. I know that He wants the best for me, and I want that too. It’s a trying experience to be so worldly, and to know that I’m destined for more. It leads people to guilt, not to lay down in His presence.
So again, I ask what shall I do with this hand I’m dealt. I live a moderately functional life, I know that I can have more, and I dearly want those I love and care about to want more for their lives too.
I want to be proud of the man that I am, and where I am going. If I sit quietly aside and watch my life head nowhere in particular, I’m left with the twang of pain and remorse and regret from the lack of action. Bedsores in life. I want to be a man who strives valiantly towards a greater good. To free the captives, to free my wife, to free others who want more out of life. Freedom Enterprises. Corny? Important.
And now we get close to 1am, and I’m still here typing. For some reason I’ve been thinking furiously and want to know that I’m a good man. My absence from work today was simply to hopefully recharge my spiritual batteries and to make an effort to fight the good fight. I spent 4 hours reviewing various worldwide talks from Maxwell, Tsika, and more and yet my heart still needs a burst of love and support from those I lean upon for love. I think I’ll just crawl into bed and cuddle with my wife and quietly wish for the strength to step out on faith and do the terrifying so that I can give her what she so desperately deserves.
So, for me, good night. For you, good day. And for all, good luck.
With love, sorrow, hope and more,
-Cody
I’ve been married for nearly 5 months, and while I’ve been able to keep away from other women in person, I notice my heart sometimes feels deceptive to my goal of faithfulness to my wife.
I love her deeply, and even though we experience challenges with communication or other things, I’m still deeply committed to making her life wonderful.
Lately, when we’ve had a bit of tension in our relationship, I see my acumen for focus on her as my one-and-only to be clouded. The other day there was an exchange with a gal at work which was more than suggestive. While I don’t think I have the capacity to follow through with such things, it makes me nervous that my wife isn’t the one constantly at the forefront of my mind.
It therefore becomes paramount for me to engage in a lifestyle that supports a long and well built relationship. To date, the most significant time that we’ve shared in pursuit of one another was during our honeymoon, after a week or more, when we were still in close quarters with the Wildes.
We were strongly sexed and excited to be intimate and close with oneanother. Now, I’m seeing my brain navigate toward other options including, but not limited to pornography and even a past fling and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for Heather to know that I was an adulterous spouse.
Fortunately, I don’t think I could keep quiet about such a dynamic in our relationship… and for that reason, I don’t think that I could follow through with such an action because I want to be transparent with my wife.
Well, she’s about done with the stuff on her list, so I’ll wrap this up. As much as I am excited at the thought of an illicit affair, I’m stoked to love my wife more deeply each day, week, month and year into the future.
We (I) will learn to be more faithful, less distracted and a better husband all around.
I love you Heather.
I’m sorry for my struggles, as I know that they pain you.
Lord, I’m ready to be taken over and directed to sure footing and safe travels. Help me to be the Husband you wish me to be for Heather, and to enact that role in such a way as to bring honor to you, and to be available to be used as an example to others. Help me dilute my polluted mind with your love, and the future that Heather and I have together. Amen.
I’m reading a new book that I picked up, and being mostly rattled by it. It suggests beyond all manner of common explanation that we should turn the job world on it’s head, become uber efficient and mobile, and work less and explore ourselves and our world more.
That’s not really new news, but he makes a pretty strong case for getting out of the comfort zone to expand ourselves to our future area of operation.To that end, there are a list of questions that I thought would be prudent to respond to towards the end of one of the first chapters.
—
[Update (6 days later): There is more to do on this post, but for the sake of moving on, much like life and time seem to do, I’m going to post this and perhaps pick it up again later. We’ll see if I get around to it. ]
Haha… so I titled this “love is kinda” – just thought that was funny. On with the notes…
===Notes from the small group session===
1 John 4:19 We loved because he first loved us.
Romans 5:5 Hope does not disappoint us,, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy spirit, whom he has given us.
In many ways, our sensation of “needing” him is actually a calling of him for our love.
Loving someone when not feeling lovable.
love & respect: crazy cycle
philipians 2:1-4 if you have any encouragement from being united with christ… make joy complete by being like minded…(note the if-then statements)
long term perspective… don’t get caught up in the moment; consider our lifetime, consider eternal things.
===Thoughts===
Heather & I had a bit of a conflict earlier today where I was less than loving in my response to not listening to her explain her staying later at work prior to connecting with me. Really it was all a large misunderstanding. More thoughts coming later…
It’s the morning of the 6th, marking the two month anniversary of our wedding. For some reason, yesterday, I found myself in some old habits again… Allowing past vices to sneak back into my life and try to challenge my sense of self worth.
I think the kickoff point may be my own thoughts about my own value – two weeks ago, we attended WWDB Family Reunion, and coming out of it with a new fire, I haven’t maintained the heat consistently. There are people all around looking for more out of life, and I don’t feel that I’m extending myself to them and their future. This is all to say that I don’t feel strong. Granted, Bill, Sharon & Heather all see me as strong and capable; why is it that I don’t have the same angle of viewing?
In conjunction with the feeling unworthy, yesterday at lunch I felt unimportant to Heather. Wow, that’s a way to put it. .But I can’t really see it being much different – it was lunch time, she was late, her comments were surrounding her, my involvement was merely as a verbal dump site rather than much in the way of engagement. But it’s interesting that I summarize things in this way – aren’t I just being selfish?
Time for shower & work…
Last night, Heather & I had a bit of a rough spot in the communication arena. We haven’t had sex in a few days, and while I know she has been on her period, it seems she may be more interested in sex than I have been.
We were watching Harry Potter #5 last night, and I was feeling playful… biting arms & shoulders, kind of being a nuisance. Heather suggested that we pause the movie but I didn’t really respond. Later, after the movie was over, there was a bit of an explosion where it seems something had been stacking up for a while. Before she left on a 3 hour walk (at 2 am), she asked “why don’t you want me anymore?”
It’s not that. Maybe it’s related to my own self image? Maybe it’s tied to my recollection that for the past few months, we’ve had sex as a no-no. Maybe it’s that I don’t know how to initiate? Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy trying to solve frustrations for Heather that I haven’t been getting my own love-tank filled? Maybe it’s cause I’m not living in the flow? Maybe it’s related to the lack of sleep? Maybe, maybe. The list goes on and on.
So, with her explosion and departure last night, she left. I don’t approve of how she handled it, it seems very childish & selfish, and uncaring. One thought I had to myself shortly after she left (or was it this morning at 5 when I was driving to pick her up?) was: When I am upset or frustrated beyond my wits end, what action can I take to bring repair to the challenge at hand?
Right now, as I think of that question, I realize that storming out of the house in a maddened state is not what I’m looking for. It communicated to me that she was mad at me, and the best resolution was to simply get away. Naturally, I know this may not be the reality of the situation, but with the tone and actions of our exchange last night, it’s easy to reach that conclusion. A more positive direction might be to suggest that while it’s late and we’re obviously going to have the opportunity to talk about sex in our relationship, I’m feeling frustrated, and would prefer to talk about things in the morning after more sleep and a bit more rational thought.
I also realize as I sit and think and type this morning that part of this issue is my fault to begin with. I haven’t been sexing my wife, and while I don’t know exactly what that means for her, and what she would like, part of my role as a generous, understanding, gentle and strong husband is to communicate with her and let her know that I’m thinking of her, and our situation.
It’s funny that I’m at a place where I realize I’ve been wronged, but while I sit here this morning, I’d rather apologize for my shortcomings that led to this wrongful place of conflict.
Today I had the privilege to sit in on a leaders webcast done from Brad’s House. He talked about a number of things, but a couple stick out. (see more notes in my OneNote notes).
First, Brad mentioned the importance in journaling. Not writing in a diary, but documenting learning experiences and impactful information. It brought to mind that I would be wise to reinvest in learning – CORE can become a legalistic occurrence and thus the value in decreased dramatically.
Second, he talked about conflict resolution, which wasn’t so much focused on skills/tactics, but the meanings behind conflict and the overall desire to “win the man” rather than the war.
Also, most of my day was spent intermittently constructing tracking sheets. It was nice to recommit & reconstruct the information – I look forward to it being faster from consistently doing them.
Lastly, I really simply need to be real with people & dissolve my no-talk rules. I hurt others by keeping my mouth closed.
That’s all for now.
-cb
Monday the 3rd – that’s 3 days in a row. I think I’m starting this out pretty good. I hope to take a bit of time today to plan out what I expect my week to look like, and to get a bit of scheduling done so that I can be assured that I’ll get my reading done, and still have time for the other things that I have planned (like Ultimate tonight.)
Last night Helen and I had another “talk”. It went as usual, spending long enough talking about what we don’t really think is a good idea, until we’le weak enough that we just go ahead and do it. I recognize that I am pretty weak – the control that I have of my hormones is relatively slim. I wonder what I can do to reinforce my strengths? I know that it’s all about changing the thoughts that I have, but even that at times can seem daunting.
I sold the Linksys PC card today, listed the USB-Ethernet adapters on Amazon, and set up the WUSB11 for sale on ebay. I’m getting pretty close that I can purchase the camera soon. Good times. 🙂
This morning I listened to the Hawkins and Heads leadership tape. Yesterday was the Rod & Rowena Jao Rally.
Reading Notes:
The Purpose Driven Life Day 3: What drives your life? This chapter did a good thin in asking the question of what the driving force in your life is – whether it’s failure forming negatives (fear, guilt, anger, materialism, or the need for approval) or Purpose driven (knowing your purpose provides: meaning in life, simplification in life, focus in life, motivates your life, and prepares you for eternity. (p. 29, “…one key to failure is to try to please everyone.”; p. 30, “…No man can serve two masters.”)
Scriptures to look up:
* Jeremiah 29:11
* Ephesians 3:20
Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
Ephesians 3:20 (paraphrased from “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,”) to “God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think!” Sweet!
The Richest Man in Babylon outlined seven steps to cure a empty purse. They are:
1) Start thy purse to fattening; Save 10% of your income. You won’t miss it because if it was empty before, it meant that you didn’t have enough, and if you save 10%, you still won’t have enough, but you’ll begin your legacy.
2) Control thy expenditures; Budget your money so that you can pay for the needed expenditures, and to know how much you have available for the desired expenditures. Don’t you dare spend more than you earn!
3) Make thy gold multiply; Use compounding interest scenarios. Offer the money to lenders who pay you a rent for holding your money (like the money market account that I have). Have continuing contribution too for more effectivity!
4) Guard thy treasures from loss; Invest only in safe places. Don’t make risky investments, even with friends. Counsel with people who know more about finances than yourself by proof of their results, not credentials. Let their wisdom protect your treasure from unwise investments.
5) Make of thy dwelling a profitable investment; AKA: buy your own home. It talks about allowing for your wife to be able to make a home of her residence, rather than just inhabiting the place. As of yet, I don’t have a wife, and I think that it may be alright to not take this step yet. Perhaps it would be good to counsel on the matter.
6) Insure a future income; Build your business! Have an income stream! It talked about having investments that generate income, and then taking that newly generated income to be able to reinvest it for the future – not to pull it out and waste it. Remember: this is a long term process for the future, not for the pleasures of now.
7) Increase thy ability to earn; Cultivate your skills and knowledge “…to so act as to respect thyself. Thereby shalt thou acquire confidence in thyself to achieve thy carefully considered desires.”
Travelling Light talked about the sensation of a jungle, and explained how many people feel afraid, anxious and hesitant in the world today, because they are without skills or tools of navigating the jungle. It then proceeded to assail those fears by Jesus’s presence to lead you out. You say, “Where’s the trail? Where are we going?” He says, “Follow me, I am the way.”
Genesis 6-7 recalled Noah’s process of being called to build the Arc, through the earth’s flooding. I found it interesting that his family was able to go along as well – I suppose it’s an example of when the leadership is right, the family is right.
Matthew 3 was about Jesus’ baptism. John felt unworthy, yet still went ahead as requested, because he was requested. It was a humbling experience where he likly realized more clearly the need for baptism if even Jesus needed it “to fulfill all righteousness.”