It’s no big thing to start journaling again – I’m often the reflective type, mulling things over throughout the day while immersed in other tasks. I want to get better about writing my thoughts down though as it helps in thinking through things and also in creating an archive of life.
I decided to move away from photography and it’s been a bit challenging knowing that my identity is still closely tied to that vein. People expect it of me, I easily see myself there, and yet here I am.
And, while this is only a hundred words or so, I’ll close it up – nature calls and I’ve got a few things to tackle before work.
Till next time,
-Cody
Ah yes, functions.
They are some of the most powerful, uplifting, inspiring and altogether rewarding experiences available.
FED starts tomorrow. In the morning we fly out from Juneau and arrive in Portland close to 2pm. Then it’s off to the hotel and likely a quick turnaround to the function.
This year, I want a new experience. I want a hungry anticipation for the nugget I need to turn the corner. I have much of the knowledge… It appears to be the mind game that I could stand to improve. I am better, lately, about growing myself. I am using the I Am to leverage the power of Heaven for my sake. I am learning and growing and changing.
I am looking.
I am finding.
It’s been a freakin’ long time since I’ve taken a moment to post, so I’m here again to check in, although I might not be particularly thorough in my writings. Alas, it’s the way a jumble mind works.
Heather is sleeping, it’s our date night, and while I’m having a lovely time by myself perusing facebook and playing poker on my iphone, I’m sure I could be altogether more productive. But again, here I am.
I guess some reflection was (past) due.
In less than a week, Heather and I will depart on a fun-filled and fairly frantic frolick (sp?) far from home. Ha.
Here’s what’s going to happen:
Friday: Juneau to Portland.
Sunday: Portland to Seattle.
Monday: Seattle to Carson City.
Thursday: Carson City to Denver.
Sunday: Denver to Nebraska.
Monday: Nebraska to Denver, to Seattle.
Monday through Sunday: All around the greater Seattle Area for Eli’s wedding. (Port Townsend, Seattle, Leavenworth, maybe even down to Portland.)
Monday: Back to Juneau.
I’m excited, I’m scared. I’m daunted, I’m calm. It should be a great trip.
Heather’s Dad, Grandfather and Aunt will all be at the Portland FED, and Grandpa Beaudette will be recognized as one of the veterans. Very cool.
Okay, my brain was more enthusiastic than my fingers; I’m ready to tie it down for the moment. But maybe in my reflective state, I’ll be back soon! We’ll see…
While I’ve titled this posting “refocusing” I’m not yet sure that I’m close to that result. Today felt better. I wasn’t as hazy as I felt I was last night, but maybe it’s because I slept in, laid with heather, and generally had a slow-paced & relaxed day with her. Other activities to note (for the grandchildren, someday): Superbowl 30(?) was today, Green Bay Packers won, though it was fairly unimpressive to me. Maybe it’s cause I didn’t start watching until late in the game, or perhaps it had something to do with not feeling connected with anyone in the audience. Perhaps that getting older thing certainly bears truth in the connections maintained as the student population rolls over.
We missed week two of the Love & War sessions at church today. I want to realize the premise of living more deeply and feeling guilt at one thing or another is not really facilitating that. I want to be present wherever I am, and I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting to stay at home with the most important thing in my life: my wife.
Another interesting thing that’s been kicking around in the back of my head as of late is what would happen if for some reason Heather was to die, or, if she were to live. But mostly, the thought is along the lines of if she were no more. I wonder about what the next step would be for me. In an effort to articulate the desire part of my life, or the dreams… here goes:
I want to be deeply in love with my wife. It’s not just about a feeling or a choice, but a deep soulful connection that cannot be severed by man, and which if ever broken by God leaves me with an immense brokenness that only time, and further commune with my creator could ever hope to salve. I want to love so fully that I am completely vulnerable… Something said recently (at the last Love & War session) was that the guy desired to be “Naked & not ashamed”. I find that phrase significant. I too want to be Naked & not afraid. I want to be so deeply connected that the inhibitions and fears are cast off to create a completely authentic, real, present, and altogether life altering love of each other.
So, maybe the question is: on a daily basis, how do I become more vulnerable and in need of her support and care?
Back to that “if she died” thing… Bill told me recently that John Wooden had outlived his wife by nearly 20 years, and in that time he made weekly visits to her grave in order to honor her, and demonstrate his love for her. Would or could or should I be that man too? If at 30 a wife is no more, the remaining lifespan is significant. If 60 and a partner passes, does that change the dynamics of the expected behavior of the remaining spouse? If I were to die, I think I would want Heather to feel confident in her capacity to go out and live her life, to meet another man, one who takes excellent care of her and who makes her dreams come true. However, if she were to die and leave me behind, part of me resounds with the idea of committing to a life in rememberance of her. Wouldn’t leaving her behind as a memory be somewhat akin to divorce?
Anyhow, things to ponder on indeed. I’ll keep grinding on those and get back to you at some point maybe…
Till next time,
-cb
I’m not really sure what I’m looking to communicate in a short passage written in a journal entry tonight. I feel like I’ve been considering all sorts of things lately, my mind a blur with all matters of considerations from the state of my relationships, to considering the explanation for why I might choose to overeat or otherwise not allow myself to be in the most optimum health (another way of asking why I might be self-sabotaging.)
And in my blur of thought, lately I’ve been finding that whenever someone asks me what I’ve been up to lately, I can’t bring myself to explaining the cornucopia of thoughts prancing through my mind… Somehow it seems subpar, or otherwise uninteresting.
What a strange response.
I know that others deal with the same questioning that I do. I know that we all seek to be and achieve and love and give and live and love and grow more, but simultaneously, I react, or more accurately, act with some disregard for the Truth at the center of my heart.
What are all of these thoughts? I have no real clue. I feel incapable, likely to be found out. Unsure what the next step might be in the realization that I feel woefully prepared for the tasks ahead of me. I’m to be a Diamond? Great. How the heck does that happen? Show the plan? Riiight. You know that people ask questions and state their positions in some sort of all knowing scenario… some times? You never can be too sure. There are lots of folks out there that could, and who’s to say the next person won’t be the one to follow up and ask me a question that I don’t kno wwho to answer. Or maybe that I just don’t feel that I can relate with them. While it might be something simple to you, it’s life or death for myself and others.
Well, while my thoughts haven’t yet caudeified themselves, my eyes are burning from the onion of dinner and the late night after the long day. I’m heading to sleep, but with any luck, I’ll be sure to sign in another time soon to keep pounding away at a keyboard in hopes that I can get these thoughts onto the page and that I can review them for validity & reflection.
G’night.
-cb
I’m sometimes perplexed by my reaction to certain comments. I wish that in a moment’s notice I can find the way to articulate the feeling that hits me. It’s different every time, but I find the bewilderment of why I’m frustrated or angered to be odd – why don’t I know what I’m feeling? Why is it that my horse even reacted in the first place? It wants to keep me as I am all the way to the grave, but why would I be prompted to react in such a visceral way, without any indication of what the feeling is of.
“I really wish you wouldn’t pick at your face.”
“Like I wish you wouldn’t chew your nails?”
Bam. Emotions are off and running.
I’m hurt. She’s right, it’s not in alignment with what I want to chew my nails. It’s not so much that it hurts me everytime, but it’s a constant nagging at the tips of my fingers to draw my attention closer…
[i ended there, distracted with the iphone poker]
It’s Sunday, March 28th.
Big week. Last Tuesday I had the idea to look for distance photography courses, and came across Hallmark.edu which is an intensive 10-month program suited to provide folks with the skills necessary for a career in photography. My attention has been captured, and I have a new dream with all manners of energy pouring forward for it.
After pondering, talking and consulting, I’ve decided to apply. Now, this of course means that after applying comes acceptance, and after acceptance comes payment, and after payment means attendance. If you know me at all, you’ll know that I have made a concerted effort since my childhood to remain solvent. While I’ve done a lot of silly things and made a lot of rediculous mistakes, I’ve done OK for myself. But, even still, the tuition/fee of Hallmark rings at just shy of $60,000. That said, Heather and I will be leaving our employment income and pursuing school for 10 months, and our goal is to remain debt free.
So, now is when the rubber hits the road. I have around 3 months to execute something astounding; I will create a passive income to the tune of $1500-2500/month so that we can pursue the opportunity. I think it’s possible that I could liquify the assets that we have as well as receiving scholarships & grants in order to pay for tuition/fees. However, as we’ll be in a new place with no certain source of income, we will produce a business in the next three months that will finance our lifestyle.
It will be an amazing learning curve. We live in the USA, the greatest country in the world with the most amazing resources available to us. It will require radically altering our pursuits, but with the newfound motivation, my past experience, and the help of friends and mentors, it is absolutely achievable.
We’re still in the scoping stage to figure out how much money will be required to make the dream a reality. If everything goes to plan, orientation starts on September 8th with our departure on approximately August 25th.
January 15th, 2010. 5:49am.
I’ve been getting up early and enjoying some quiet time in early in the mornings. I generally aim to be in bed near 10pm (often 11 or midnight), and again up and moving as early as 5. I take my time, have an XS or some coffee, listen to CommuniKate, perhaps a CD, play on the computer, or even do some journaling. For some reason, there’s something mighty cathardic about being up before more of the world gets moving. At the moment all I can hear is the clock ticking away on the wall, and the quiet whisper of the cooling fan on my laptop. I bet if I could quiet my mind enough, I’d hear the refridgerator as well as the networked readynas spinning away.
Lately I’ve started another journey of sorts; Dream Nights were spectacular, and most exciting, I’ve picked up a few nuggets to translate to action. This has been my first week of 4 days off (and subsequently 3 days on) of building the business. It’s been a good experience of putting focused thought effort into coordinating and constructing my business, but there is still a long way to go. It’s given me some reflection time to notice what things I’m doing well, and not-so-well towards the end goals of financial and emotional independence.
I noticed that my self-talk was a bit out of line with the results I’m interested in. I carried self-defeating internal conversations on regarding the responses I might receive when talking with folks out in the world, or over the phone. I’m just at the beginning of that journey, but these realizations have been potent towards action and comfort in walking the quiet track of building myself and others in spite of a busy, and otherwise distracted world.
I’m starting to see the economy of Juneau take a turn. In my own recollection (and with the thanks of a facebook solicitation) I was able to count 44+ places that have gone out of business over the past couple decades – and I’m sure there are more to come. Morris Publishing just filed Chapter 11, and they’re the parent to the Juneau Empire and long-standing Capital City Weekly. Eeeks indeed.
Anyhow, onto my CD, and maybe a little World of Warcraft!
It’s now 2010. In fact, January 3rd. Tomorrow I head back to the daily grind of working at UAS. I found myself nearly in tears at the futility of it, and the desire to be free of the all-to-frequent torture called “employment”.
That aside for the moment, I thought I’d do some quick journaling of the break and of the last year in keeping with the reflection process that I like to maintain.
First of all, the break. We’ve had 10 days off, weekends included from UAS. It’s been nice to have, and fun to stay up until all hours of the day, get an activity or two in away from the house, and then to spend time with Heather nearly the entire time. We had a chance to watch quite a few movies – mostly rentals (Avatar & Sherlock Holmes in the theater, at $10.50/ticket, interestingly.)
New years was good. We went out to a long dinner at the canton house and proceeded through some of the Glenn Bland Success Methods for planning and scoping the future. Heather is excited about any manner of planning, and I go into it with a more stoic mindset, but nonetheless, it was a good experience to talk about what we see for ourselves and our future. I took a few notes, of course, but don’t have my notebook nearby, so I can’t regale you with them now. After dinner, we came back to the house for a bit, and then ended up heading out to West Glacier trail with the Wildes crew. Generally, we spend new years doing some sledding at the Mendenhall Visitor Center area, but this year, there wasn’t any snow for us. Instead, it was remarkably cold, crisp, and had an incredibly bright moon that was casting shadows from anything it could get it’s reflected light around. I took a few pictures from the ice, and then a couple of group shots, and we called it a night.
Christmas was mostly good. I really enjoyed the process of pouring out fun and useful things to Heather. I might have gone a bit over the top in trying to get everything from her list, but of all the ways to have error in the process, that’s a good one. She was very thoughtful to me as well with things like a bike repair stand, an apple wireless access point, books, etc. She was on the receiving end for several books, gloves, socks, a chair (if it ever comes) movies, cooking items, and probably more. We even went above and beyond in designing and sending out a 2010 calendar with my photos for all of our friends and family. An order of 25 goes a long way. I think we only have 3-4 more.
2009 has treated me well. It feels like largely it’s been a blur. I can recall that in April, we got engaged (insert blur effect here) and then in June, married. That whole process was incredible, and a great example of what’s possible to two people when the dream is the driving motivator. We had tons of friends and family, and were able to have an incredible experience of love and connection with each other and our friends.
So, June happened, it was good. Blur some more. In September, Heather and I departed for our first-of-many honeymoon. Juneau to Seattle to San Francisco to (blur more) Memphis. It was absolutely wonderful to spend quality time with Heather and also with the Wildes on the road across the nation. We had some memories made, and some fun had, all with the joy of a 30+ foot RV. I’m still working on the photo album afterwards.
After the honeymoon, things seemed to have blurred by. We have been going to church at the Juneau Christian Center, and further had fun with the McGoey’s in a small group setting aimed towards improving our marriages. Interestingly, we are sparse to connect; I’m not sure if it’s based on mis-matched schedules, or if it’s another mechanism, but for the 3-4 times we’ve met, we’ve been talking about it for most of the year.
A little bit of benchmarking:
Technology in the house:
I’m not really sure what else I might want to note, but at just near 1000 words for this post, I think I’m doing pretty good for a recap. Let’s hope and pray and act as though 2010 will be the best year yet.
-cb
“Good for you!”
I’m sitting in the waiting area waiting to get on the plane headed to Anchorage for a BBBS Board Meeting. It’s interesting to hear people nearby sharing their travel plans and in the case of a vacation, the dominating response has been, “good for you!”
Why is it that it’s Good For Me to not be at work, to take time off? If it’s so good for me, why do we spend so many hours and days and weeks and months and years throwing our time at this thing that it’s Good fFor Us to be away from?
I think that largely, people don’t want to have a job. People want to expand their horizons and to explore their surroundings. They want to suck the marrow out of the bones of life and to become more and more connected to the world around them. And on the topic of connection, why is it that we spend so much time seeking connection, and yet fleeing from the truth about ourselves and others? It seems that only the rare individual really works to know the “me of me”, as Buscaglia puts it.
Had a conversation last night with Alex. It turns out that she’s still carrying the burden of a past pain. She is clinging to the concept that she could have changed the outcome by saying, “no.” While that may or may not be the case, it’s up to us to let go of the past and work on the present. It’s not our fault, and even if it were, what purpose does it serve?
Anyhow, off to Anchorage.