Last night, Heather & I had a bit of a rough spot in the communication arena. We haven’t had sex in a few days, and while I know she has been on her period, it seems she may be more interested in sex than I have been.
We were watching Harry Potter #5 last night, and I was feeling playful… biting arms & shoulders, kind of being a nuisance. Heather suggested that we pause the movie but I didn’t really respond. Later, after the movie was over, there was a bit of an explosion where it seems something had been stacking up for a while. Before she left on a 3 hour walk (at 2 am), she asked “why don’t you want me anymore?”
It’s not that. Maybe it’s related to my own self image? Maybe it’s tied to my recollection that for the past few months, we’ve had sex as a no-no. Maybe it’s that I don’t know how to initiate? Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy trying to solve frustrations for Heather that I haven’t been getting my own love-tank filled? Maybe it’s cause I’m not living in the flow? Maybe it’s related to the lack of sleep? Maybe, maybe. The list goes on and on.
So, with her explosion and departure last night, she left. I don’t approve of how she handled it, it seems very childish & selfish, and uncaring. One thought I had to myself shortly after she left (or was it this morning at 5 when I was driving to pick her up?) was: When I am upset or frustrated beyond my wits end, what action can I take to bring repair to the challenge at hand?
Right now, as I think of that question, I realize that storming out of the house in a maddened state is not what I’m looking for. It communicated to me that she was mad at me, and the best resolution was to simply get away. Naturally, I know this may not be the reality of the situation, but with the tone and actions of our exchange last night, it’s easy to reach that conclusion. A more positive direction might be to suggest that while it’s late and we’re obviously going to have the opportunity to talk about sex in our relationship, I’m feeling frustrated, and would prefer to talk about things in the morning after more sleep and a bit more rational thought.
I also realize as I sit and think and type this morning that part of this issue is my fault to begin with. I haven’t been sexing my wife, and while I don’t know exactly what that means for her, and what she would like, part of my role as a generous, understanding, gentle and strong husband is to communicate with her and let her know that I’m thinking of her, and our situation.
It’s funny that I’m at a place where I realize I’ve been wronged, but while I sit here this morning, I’d rather apologize for my shortcomings that led to this wrongful place of conflict.