it’s the solstice tonight, and so lots of people are out enjoying themselves on account that the earth is leaning closer to the sun than at any other time of the year. whoo. yeah, feel the excitement.
had work, then ultimate today. tomorrow i leave for Anchorage for an ultimate tourney with the Juneau folks. it should prove to be fun, along with a lot of running. I think my energy level is a bit low about it, but Im sure it’ll pick up as game time approaches.
i think it was monday… the 18th… that heather and i finally decided to be official about our relationship – i now have a girlfriend.
I realize that I don’t really know what that means, or how to really act, but it’s something towards the end of being committed to a single person, and to breaking the cycle that seemed to run with my father. Mika shared with me that there was other collateral damage being caused to folks by my action. she had hesitations with her group and spending time with me, others describe me as a predatory type.
i don’t want to be a predator. I don’t want to be looked at in any negative light. ouch.
tonight, i finally connected with helen since things became official. it was uncomfortable to say the least. she seemed to have known everything – mika had talked with her about it, or something, and helen has been in the process of developing walls to keep her out of my life. (changing pickup, attending different board plans, etc). I think it hurts most that it was done over time… I guess it’s significant that she doesn’t trust me, mika doesn’t trust me, and other people don’t trust me enough to come talk with me about it.
At work Michael has been metaphorically poking me in the chest about the fact that I hold my cards close. I think about my deliberative trait and wonder if it has gone too far. I protect my emotions because I never really could afford to be weak. I hide my intentions or present them in a way that others see (and at times, i’d likely agree) as malicious.
So, Helen is gone. 10+ years. poof. She says that she cares about me, and wants me to know that I am there for her, but she wants to develop walls to put around me so that either she can be comfortable, or we can be safe. I feel like I cannot be the one to break radio silence. I care, and I want to care, and it hurts. And I don’t really know how to express it. I just feel tears welling up inside waiting for me to let loose. i want to feel like I have some sort of control, but I guess I chose the wrong path some time ago, and now must sleep in the bed that I’ve made for myself. Pain, broken friendships, dissolved trust.
well, it’s late, and my eyes are ready for bed. and my heart is grieving at the loss of a friend.
good night.