Journaling
June 12, 2007
Tonight I had a revealing talk with Mika about my predilection towards ambiguity in relationships. At one point, she mentioned that someone else had described me to have predatory behaviors.
It’s a heavy thing to hit. Fortunately the delivery was gentle and wanted. I trust Mika’s heart, and in that process, she was able to communicate some strong things. For instance, she asked when I would be done with this “learning” that I purport to be in? How long will it take? And if I say that I am learning, or if I say that I am working on it, where is the reality that I have what I speak? When will I speak that I am through the trials?
I think the thing that I realize is mostly that I am deluding myself to believe that I am “protected” by my ambiguity. I say that I am not dating, which allows me freedom to cast my seed to the wind, but simultaneously, I rob myself from the blessings of commitment, pride, and self respect.
Mika is mindful of the dynamic of having a single female in her business spending much solo time with me – what is it about me that I tend towards that can open those paths?
Tonight even, Emily was flirting with me on the Ultimate field. I was kissing Heather, and yet I found myself flirting with Elly. When will it stop? How will I find the urgency to make the one decision that I need to anchor myself?
John Maxwell talks in Today Matters about the idea of making the decision once and managing it daily. Have I made that big decision? Can I articulate it clearly? What about other decisions in my life? Alcohol, drugs, smoking? Those are easy. The stumbling blocks that I cling to? What about those?
The last entry I had talked about knowledge and authority equating to power. I have been given the power to lead my life as I see fit. What big decisions would I be wise to make? (Spirituality? Relationships? Integrity?)
I remember clearly listening to Brad Duncan talk about hedges. About developing, and watering, and growing hedges of protection to be set out at the far edges of my land – to help maintain boundaries for myself, as well as protection from outside dangers. How am I doing that now? Am I developing hedges?