Cody-

Thanks again for a reply. I know that you’re dying to figure this all out and are probably confused as hell… all I can say is been there, done that. So here’s my response:

* First I have to say, “ye-ha. That first email was VERY skeletal. Don’t do it again. It left me hanging by a thread”….

Yeah sorry about leaving you hanging… But you do have to admit that the suspense was fun, right?

Okay, so let me just throw out a quick story to relate. So the last week that Ed was in town (also my last week, I believe), I was at a party at Spencer Stekoll’s house with Trang. Ed and his friend ended up showing up for a little bit, but left early. I was “hoping” that he wouldn’t because that would essentially be “the last night” with Ed ( I hope you get the subtle meaning behind that ). Anyways, he left early, and Trang and I got drunk (sounds like a familiar story, eh?) So she and Spencer disappear to the bedroom and everyone starts to scatter. I was left with Connor (don’t know if you remember him, he graduated in 97) and we engaged in a drunken conversation for a bit then crash on the couch. Nothing happened between us, but somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I decide to wander around the house in a drunken state. Needless to say, I stumbled upon Justin (Spencer’s older brother) and some other chick. I guess they’d just “finished” and he invited me to join them in the bed. I did, although she didn’t agree to the idea and left. So we were left and ended up fooling around (no sex, just foreplay). Afterwards, I spent the day in a weird stupor. I felt a little used, definitely bad because I had technically cheated on Ed (even though we were nothing serious), and just down right weird… I never mentioned this to anyone, not Ed, not Tia or even Jason. The only other person who knows about it is Trang, just because she was there and found me in bed the next morning. What I’m trying to get at is that I thought that by not acknowledging that it happened, I could essentially forget about it. But honestly it still lingers in the back of my mind and just writing this to you is helping me to move on…. anyways, back to your problems….

You may find this question unrelated to all of our correspondance, but I thought of it, so I’ll ask. Why have you, and why do you go all the way with guys? What do you do it for? I picked up that you and Ed were, shall we say, sexually active, but why so far? Just asking for some Rhonda insight. Let me know (an “I don’t know” is acceptable, but you and I both know that it’s a cop out… even though we have both used it…)

Tell me, how would you have felt about the whole situation if you and Ed hadn’t been together? I would wager that you would still feel a little used, and thus a little bad as well. In my situation, I would have no qualms with what I did, other than the fact that I am dating Helen at the same time.

Sounds like you’re having a hard time keeping up with your relationship with Helen, or a steady relationship at that. I do understand how much “easier” it is to keep up a relationship with a person when you are physically around them. But the distance is the true test. I’m definitely starting to feel more lonely and insecure without having Jason here. It’s been almost a month since he left and it’ll be another month until he comes back. Not that my life depends on him or anything (although he was a good source of partying) besides I have school and music to focus on, but it was just “nice ” to have him around and to be able to hang out with him. Anyways…. (I’m trying to stay focused on my response to you)

Yeah, distance is certainly a test… I don’t think I am doing so well at it… Bleh… I think Helen likes where the relationship is at and the same goes for me, except that I don’t really want to be violating her trust like I have.

I really don’t know what to say about it all. I know that you care about Helen, and that you don’t want to hurt her. And I know that holding in all that information seems like the best solution… but let me tell you, I’ve been on the receiving line and it’s NOT the best feeling in the world when you find out something like that, especially from someone else. I don’t know if you remember me telling you how Colleen told me that Matt had cheated on me. And when I confronted him he basically told me that he didn’t plan on telling me about it, figured that he’d forget about it and that I wouldn’t find out (sound like a familiar thought?) What I’m trying to get at is no matter how much you want to keep the past, well, in the past… it’s tough because it always finds its way of showing it’s ugly face. I’m not saying that I’d tell her, I’m just saying that it’s better to be honest.

I don’t know that I ever heard that you were cheated on… I know that hearing the news from a third party would be horrible, but again, the only third party that knows anything to tell to anyone would be you. I will keep it that way also. (So don’t think you can say anything without me knowing who spilled.) Of course I know that you wont, but still… Gotta make it known in situations like this.

Actually that isn’t really all that accurate… I do want to tell her, but I don’t want to have the relationship dissolve, nor to I want a lasting ripple that will stay with her. I would love to know that as soon as I have told her, she would forgive me, and we can move on. Being LDS means that, in theory, there is to be no premarital sex. Yeah, I went and messed that up with Mika, and realized the badness that happened in relationships when sex was introduced. I felt bad about it, especially since her father trusted me, and I violated that trust. I decided to tell him, expecting him to be furious about my lack of respect and violation of church standards, but instead, the first things out of his mouth were along the lines of, “It’s okay Cody, I forgive you.” I guess I would just like Helen to do the same. Wishful thinking huh?

Now there’s the issue of when or where to tell Helen. You’re right about not being any good time to tell someone these sort of things, but then again a breakdown in the middle of school wouldn’t be cool either. Again, I’ve been there, done that.

Okay, so there is no good time for me to tell her. I would suggest summer, but that is a long time away. I guess my thought on the matter is to keep it in the dark, work on forgiving myself for my mistakes, and then at some point way in the future (like next summer) either she will have broken up with me, or I will be able to tell her about my mistakes in the past that I never had the heart to tell her of. Then I can tell her it hasn’t happened again, and I just didn’t want to continue keeping something like that from her. I know that at that point she’d still be upset, but I would also like to think that she would forgive me and move on because it was so far in the past. Perhaps a dumb idea, but first I need to work on forgiving myself.

And I know that it seems easy to deem yourself as the bad person. From an outsider view, I guess yes, you’d fit the role. But remember you learn from all life experiences, good or bad.

Yeah, thanks… I appreciate you trying to build me up… You stinker. I know that I learn from all experiences, but the idea of wisdom is to build upon what others have learned, and not to make those mistakes.

So basically, I’m rooting for telling her everything. That’s my opinion and you don’t have to do it. Just know that whatever you do, I’ll be here to listen. I’m pretty beat myself (although I haven’t really done much, except been really lazy and stay in on this Saturday evening, hoping that I’d get motivated to do some homework, but that’s what Sundays are for). Respond with more questions, and seriously, if you need a phone conversation… 415-406-4039. Hope this all helps…hang in there:)

Rhonda:)

Rooting for telling her everything, huh? Yeah, I know that would be the best, but as you have also agreed, there really isn’t a time that would be appropriate…

Thanks,
Cody