More thinking, more action, more growth.

I’ve been dealing lately with the fact that I am putting on pounds, and now I’m acting to remove them. I topped 200lbs again, and while for a spell I hovered around 180, it reminds me that my goal is actually 165-175. I don’t know how realistic the low side is, but I do know that I feel better about myself when at those lower poundage.

==

I got involved with the weekly sunday webcast and am just now getting back to the journal entry. This evening I got a good full hour in of kate listening. It was nice to be able to listen & relisten while riding around the valley. I rode around 10 miles in the hour that I was out, and not only am I feeling good about myself and making action towards good fitness, but also mentally empowered!  Woohoo!

K. Time for bed.

Haha… so I titled this “love is kinda” – just thought that was funny. On with the notes…

===Notes from the small group session===

1 John 4:19 We loved because he first loved us.

Romans 5:5 Hope does not disappoint us,, because God has poured his love into our hearts by the Holy spirit, whom he has given us.

In many ways, our sensation of “needing” him is actually a calling of him for our love.

Loving someone when not feeling lovable.

love & respect: crazy cycle

philipians 2:1-4 if you have any encouragement from being united with christ… make joy complete by being like minded…(note the if-then statements)

long term perspective… don’t get caught up in the moment; consider our lifetime, consider eternal things.

===Thoughts===

Heather & I had a bit of a conflict earlier today where I was less than loving in my response to not listening to her explain her staying later at work prior to connecting with me. Really it was all a large misunderstanding. More thoughts coming later…

Well, I don’t really recall if it was just a day ago that I put up the last template based post, but here’s the second half of that, to the best of my sleepy ability:

Something New (learned)

Attended a session about on-fire customer service, it was good, though a lot of the material was primarily repeat stuff. It was interesting at how he used media to intersperse his talk with visuals. 3 hours went by relatively quick.

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Not really sure that I’ve been immersed enough in learning to have something new to apply. Something old? hmm… Check back with me another time.

Something Neat (daily story?)

Heather & I walked around this evening with just some quiet self time. It was interesting that as we were walking, we noticed Paul Kelly & Tanya Roust both living close by.

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

I think I might have prayed… oh yes, for a meal or two with heather. It was good, but I feel like I could dig a little deeper in that arena. I can’t say it feels entirely routine, but it sure is starting to lean in that direction without fostering my relationship.

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Walking about the valley for 2-3 hours was something physical. Sex before and after the walk was too. 🙂

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

I recall a bit of frustration with dealing with work. Not only the dynamic of being out of sorts regarding my present work situation, but also while approaching documentation today I was confronted with a wrinkle that makes my efforts doubled to design documentation.

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Heather & I, during our walk, had a chance to talk with one-another about several topics, from sex to the always enjoyed “do you feel loved by me” approach. I don’t know that I have clear answers, nor do I know how to navigate much of the world, but it was nice to connect with my wife and chat about some of the things that have been running under the surface for a while.

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)

Going on a hike tomorrow morning to get a sense for timing and for photography of the Lopez couple this next weekend. We might also do some Harry Potter (the latest movie was released this week) and we might even jump in on the tail end of a pampered chef event with anna-mariah. Napping might also be good since we’re committed to walking in the cancer-walk-a-thon thing tomorrow night/early morning.

Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)

Journaling, thinking, building my relationship, and even a (very slight) bit of reading. It all adds up, does it not?

It’s lunch time and my pizza is rapidly cooking in the toaster oven (man I love those things!) I thought I’d take a moment to post another entry as a time of reflection. I noticed (again) that I had a template constructed and ready to be used, so I thought I’d use it as the hopper to toss my ideas and thoughts into. Let’s see what comes out:

First Things First

I’m doing a blog entry, isn’t that enough?

Sleep Log

less than normal, not enough, more than I’d like. I’ve been feeling blah lately, so I keep thinking more sleep might help, but really, it doesn’t seem to. I love the idea of a mere 3-4 hours a night, but I don’t like the physiological burn that I get in the afternoon following several of those days. The other thing I noticed, especially during the wedding planning was that sleep was far less necessary when there was a dream with a deadline rapidly approaching. I’m not sure that I sense that peril right now.

Humor

i’ve got my macbook pro now, and lots of people are surprised to know i’ve got one. I find it funny as I never knew that I developed so much clout for the pc side without ever really voicing any opinion on the matter.

Struggle

heather and I get to figure out the topic of sex. we both want more, but want it to be natural, and we’ll see where it goes. further, i’ve been funkified lately, so I’m looking forward to getting up out of that. I think it will be linked to my performance in our business, but we’ll see soon enough, I suppose.

Beauty

I have a beautiful wife. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.

Kindness

I guess I get to help nick develop his skillz sometime next week while he takes pictures of sterling.

Classes

not sure what this one is for. maybe what I’m learning? Learning to get back on the bandwagon for personal development.

Goals for Tomorrow

I’m still on today…

[okay, this is where i stop and get off this ride – I’ve gotta eat my pizza and get back to work. ttfn! -cb]

Something New (learned)

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Something Neat (daily story?)

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)

Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)

I’ve been pretty good about posting – three days in a row now!Prior to this, I kept up well at my wedding site (http://codyjbennett.com/wedding) as it was fun to share with others the ongoings of the wedding life.

While I may continue several more posts from that experience, I’d also like to get back to the (slightly) more mundane posts here. An ongoing journal shows the experiences of life, and allows the day-to-day blur of life to be more obvious than when posts are separated by 2-3 months.

This morning I awoke at 4 am after going to bed at midnight (or so) and found myself up and getting a snack, going to the bathroom, and laying back down – only to realize that I was actually awake… So I got myself up and finished up the editing the wedding of Brian Thatcher & Julie Patz. Photos are right now exporting to a final state so that I can upload them to my site – it’s a great feeling to be complete and I look forward to sharing them with the couple (as well as Mom who contracted my services).

I still have to create a “Bride’s book” type thing, which will be interesting to see where that goes since there doesn’t seem to be any sort of clear explanation online at other photographers sites describing that product. We’ll see.

For now, I’m simply excited to be done, be another day closer to receiving my macbook pro, and to getting on down the tethered world of web surfing. 🙂

I guess I should probably make sure that I’m ready to roll for work and maybe even go in a bit early to get a mocha on the way!  Ta-ta for now!

-cb

I’m on a two day roll, and here’s the next question:

* If it weren’t for economic conditions and responsibilities, what would you do?

Economic conditions = current financial state. Economic Responsibilities = bills and the like. Responsibilities in general would suggest that I don’t need to worry much about the state of things that I’ve built for myself… Such as maintaining a residence, or following through on decisions I’ve made such as charity.

It’s an interesting question to ask because I think I’d gravitate towards changing a majority of my life – I like the idea of buying cool things that I’ve been waiting for, of travelling to all manner of places with very few plans. I like the idea of exploring and seeing the people of an area, much like the observing I do while hanging out in airports. Part of me wants to be involved, part wants to sit back and enjoy watching the magic of an unsuspecting people.

So, along this vein. If money were no object, and responsibilities were no longer an issue, I would not be going to work tomorrow. I would take the day off, finish the commitments I have given to others (namely photo processing), and then proceed to head out the road for a drive to see what there might be to find. Perhaps a hike, perhaps just communing with nature from the comfort of a car. Ooh, but before heading out, maybe I’d purchase an upgrade! 🙂

Part of the things I’d like to do without concerns is just to spend time with the people that I love and growing in our relationships together.

I expect that I would spend some time being relatively unproductive, until I decided that something more exciting would be in order. I’d like to do the taku lodge tour, and spend some time with Daniel or Matt up on the glacier or at least flying around in a helicopter.

Perhaps it just comes down to being free. Heather asked me today why I liked the song “Freedom” by The Goads. I don’t know that I have a clear articulation of it – I just know that it brings tears to my eyes to think about relaxing and being able to make choices without having my day dictated to me by a “superior”.

Here I sit on January 31st, 2009 listening to Bill Hawkins’ Power Wave 5.0. It’s cool that it was delivered with WorldWide’s new Digital Delivery system. 

There are some parts that I’m really wary of, but all in all, I think it will be a great tool. 

I guess it does audio (of course) as well as video media too! It seems that there will also be some teasers too…

That’s on my list of things to figure out today on my primary computer… 🙂

Yup, today was the first day back of 2009. It was a busy day, and my voice is mostly gone. It makes for an interesting dynamic at the office as I cannot really answer the phone much. 

I left early today in hopes of sleeping and resting and relaxing, but really, I had a short nap, and then I was back at the computer, and other miscellaneous items for the evening. 

Heather and I are working to figure out which dreamnight to go to now that it’s a last-minute ticket purchasing sort of thing. Unfortunately, with less than two weeks before the last one, we’re dealing with just a few options. Through our winnowing tonight, it looks like I’ll be visiting either Las Vegas or Honolulu. Honolulu sounds more exotic, but with 8+ hours of just flight time to get there (and again on the way back), it seems like a weekend of flying punctuated by a brief dreamnight. I guess we’ll see how it all works out. I’d like to see the speakers in HI, but NV seems like the more prudent decision (faster trip, etc). 

Charity & I have continued to email back and forth; we’ll see what kind of information she reveals. At the moment, I feel like I might know a little more about her because of my googling (married before?) But I don’t know if those are topics she’ll share. 

Prints came in for the Goldbelt Holiday party… I want to get some doublesided tape to adhere my business card, but then they’ll be ready to deliver. Unfortunately, the 8×10 print was crushed, even though the envelope says “photos, please don’t bend”, but perhaps english directions are a bit too much for our United States Postal Service. I kinda feel like there’s no route for repair either… Sigh. I’ll send a note to SmugMug tomorrow to see what they might recommend. 

OH, speaking of photography stuff, I bought the 70-200mm VR 2.8 lens today. I’m not sure when it’ll ship, or precisely what it’ll cost, as it was bought via ebay, but we’ll find out when I get a note from the dude, hopefully tomorrow. 1250 base price, plus shipping, so I think I got it at a relatively good price. 

Alright, I’ll go check that one last email chime and then head to bed. 

g’nite.

So, tonight I took a few hundred shots at the Statehood Ball located at the Centennial Hall. It was a great event with wonderful energy, despite most of the audience being of the older generations. It was cool to see that everyone could still move pretty nimbly and have a great time. 

Interesting thought… One person had been married today and was in the audience – what a great way to arrange for your wedding day to be on a date that has some other celebration so you could piggy-back on the decorations, food, and live performances of the day/evening! 

As I think back on my evening, one thing stands out… Charity. She’s a bombshell of a gal who works for Mark Kelley doing some of his business management. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t know how to dance, and so felt awkward, and more comfortable as a wallflower. 

First of all I felt a bit of guilt for seeing her and thinking about how good she looked in the long, red, backless dress. Long brown hair, slender figure, and a great smile. That aside, I thought that it would be nice to learn how to dance with someone who doesn’t feel confident with dancing… I think the challenge that I run into is feeling self conscious of my own dancing with others, and in that, I’d feel less awkward if I knew the other person was more likely to be thinking about their own performance!  

So, as a parting moment, I did tell Charity that she looked great on the dance floor, and gave her my card and suggested that she check out the site in the next couple of days. Who knows if she’ll be in touch, but wow… 

I wish that weren’t the case though. I think about my relationship with Heather and want to be in a place of confidence and security. Do I want to continue to be single for the rest of my life? I could certainly make that choice. “Settling down” now doesn’t have to happen… I get the sense that if I wanted to marry Heather, she’d say yes. That scares me though, I want to feel like I will be a confident and reassuring husband, and if I’m cursed with seeing other women and being drawn towards them, that is no way to continue. 

Tomorrow there is supposed to be fireworks in the valley, for the first time ever. Should be a good show – same people who set off the fireworks for the 4th and there are around $10,000 worth of em too!  I hope to go over to the area and scope out the scene before it gets dark… perhaps even talk to the coordinators. Should be fun. I ought to get a bit of sleep though as I can feel my throat would appreciate it. 🙂

Heather & I walked to her house today, and had a lovely chat along the way. During the conversation, she mentioned that I am the most important person in her life. I’m not sure if I mis-heard it, but nonetheless, whether those were the exact words or not, that was the gist. I realized with my darkness and the fact that I have been having sex with other women behind her back, the pain she stands to experience is immense. It’s terrifying to me that I might inflict that kind of pain on another… and yet, when I think about it, if Heather were to drop that kind of message or situation on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt… I don’t know if it’s cause I have the ability to confine things to different parts of my brain or whatnot. 

That got me to thinking… why am I not vulnerable? What is it about vulnerability that scares me? I have multiple cars, multiple computers, bikes, women I sleep with… the list goes on I’m sure. But really the summary question is simply: why? is it because I grew up in a home that didn’t have much in the way of things that I could enjoy without fear of losing it? Is it somehow related to the fact that my father abandoned me, even unknowingly because of his choices for other things before choices for a family? Is it because I find myself unwilling because I want o be SEEN as strong by other people? 

Why do I desire to be in control? to understand? what is it about that control and that sense of clarity that helps me? 

I’m not sure if this will be continued another time, but it’s something to ponder on. 

I’m getting up early in the morning to attend Heather’s exam/xray review at Dr. Shepro’s. Then I have a morning meeting with Penny about being a second shooter… then I head downtown to connect with Mischelle and her cohorts working to coordinate the 50th anniversary party… then, who knows. 

g’nite. vulnerable one… 

Listened through Genesis 13, though I’m not sure the value I get to listening to the story, vs reading and looking at the footnotes, etc.