It’s just after 3am on a crisp December morning. It’s my birthday; a celebration of 29 years of experiences, joys & challenges, victories and defeats.

For some reason, this morning, or last night rather, my mind was drawn to the writings that Bill had passed to us on our wedding day 6 months ago. I realize that my life has been forever altered, and I realize that I’m more excited about that prospect now than I was then. What a pleasure to realize something so significant.

So, this morning, after sneaking out of the room just before 3, I went in search of the Readings of William. I grabbed them, sat down, and proceeded to clear out my inbox (thanks be to Facebook for soliciting all manners of comments.)

In my first reading, it’s Leo Buscaglia talking about Buckminster Fuller. I don’t know either of the gentlemen, but I have heard a quote or two from Leo centering around love. This particular passage that Bill had marked was (as I interpret it) about finding ones true self so that they could therefore share this joyful and unique person with another. Buckminster notes that we are not our bodies at whatever poundage we might currently reside, we are our minds, and that is a miraculous reality.

Specifically, I’m captivated by this line from the introduction to Mr. Fuller by Leo:

I, for instance, want you in my life because without you, my life will never be complete. But only when you find the you of you, will you have anything to give me, just as I must find the me of me. Why do I read? Why do I travel? Why do I listen? Why do I care? So that I can get more and more and more and share it with you — that’s the only purpose for having it.

What a great summary of why we’re here. To give to others, to learn from others, but only insomuch as to have collected into ourselves so that we can give it away.

…

It’s my 29th year on this earth, and I’m still searching for meaning. I have found and decided on love, and while my carnal self continues to pull me away from love, I have been better and better at exhibiting it. It’s an interesting journey to be sure, and while I don’t understand much of it, I’m excited for the next 29 years.

In the year of 2009, I have achieved the following:

• First and foremost, I’m married. I was able to exact a phenomenal celebration for my wife and pay for it with cash with little to no help from outside sources.
• We have learned that travelling can be a fun and recharging experience, and that while unencumbered by our daily grind, we tend to be more in love with one another.
• Our business has grown, if only in the dynamic of growing our clientele; Heather has been phenomenal in growing that side of our business, and while I have small victories from time to time, she’s the glue.
• Photography wise, I think I’ve been the most profitable this year to date. I was able to expand my gear collection with a (I’m using it now) Macbook Pro (3.06GHz Intel Core 2 Duo, 4GB 1067Mhz DDR3, 500GB 7200rpm HD, noted for posterity) and a new-to me (aka, used) 70-200 lens.

…

For some reason, I’ve run out of steam on this particular post. I’m sure over the next few weeks I’ll be doing more pondering and have the chance to articulate the things I’m learning more clearly, but for now, that’s today’s b-day installment!

Best of wishes in your unique and miraculous live ahead.

-cb

Asking the hard questions, from The 4-Hour Workweek:

At least three times per day at cheduled times, he had to ask himself the following question:

Am I being productive or just active?

An alternative to the above question reads as:

Am I inventing things to do to avoid the important?

It’s about eliminating all of the activities we use as crutches and begin to focus on demonstrating results instead of showing dedication (which is often just meaningless work in disguise). We’re going to be ruthless and cut the fat.

I know with certain that much of my day is at present loaded with fillers. Today I will do better towards being ruthless with my time and effective with my efforts.

I’ve been married for nearly 5 months, and while I’ve been able to keep away from other women in person, I notice my heart sometimes feels deceptive to my goal of faithfulness to my wife.

I love her deeply, and even though we experience challenges with communication or other things, I’m still deeply committed to making her life wonderful.

Lately, when we’ve had a bit of tension in our relationship, I see my acumen for focus on her as my one-and-only to be clouded. The other day there was an exchange with a gal at work which was more than suggestive. While I don’t think I have the capacity to follow through with such things, it makes me nervous that my wife isn’t the one constantly at the forefront of my mind.

It therefore becomes paramount for me to engage in a lifestyle that supports a long and well built relationship. To date, the most significant time that we’ve shared in pursuit of one another was during our honeymoon, after a week or more, when we were still in close quarters with the Wildes.

We were strongly sexed and excited to be intimate and close with oneanother. Now, I’m seeing my brain navigate toward other options including, but not limited to pornography and even a past fling and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for Heather to know that I was an adulterous spouse.

Fortunately, I don’t think I could keep quiet about such a dynamic in our relationship… and for that reason, I don’t think that I could follow through with such an action because I want to be transparent with my wife.

Well, she’s about done with the stuff on her list, so I’ll wrap this up. As much as I am excited at the thought of an illicit affair, I’m stoked to love my wife more deeply each day, week, month and year into the future.

We (I) will learn to be more faithful, less distracted and a better husband all around.

I love you Heather.

I’m sorry for my struggles, as I know that they pain you.

Lord, I’m ready to be taken over and directed to sure footing and safe travels. Help me to be the Husband you wish me to be for Heather, and to enact that role in such a way as to bring honor to you, and to be available to be used as an example to others. Help me dilute my polluted mind with your love, and the future that Heather and I have together. Amen.

I’m reading a new book that I picked up, and being mostly rattled by it. It suggests beyond all manner of common explanation that we should turn the job world on it’s head, become uber efficient and mobile, and work less and explore ourselves and our world more.

That’s not really new news, but he makes a pretty strong case for getting out of the comfort zone to expand ourselves to our future area of operation.To that end, there are a list of questions that I thought would be prudent to respond to towards the end of one of the first chapters.

—

1. Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering. What doubt, fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider the big changes you can – or need – to make? Envision them in painstaking detail. Would it be the end of your life? What would be the permanent impact, if any, on a scale of 1-10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do you think it is that they would actually happen?
   • My worst nightmare. I think it has to do with being alone and unwanted. If I were to cast off or lose my job, I would be in a world of unknown with a few close relationships outside of the work place. It would cause stress within Heather and my lives, and we would not have the luxury of treating people the way we would like to treat them. We enjoy a few modest pleasures, which would be unavailable. I don’t like reaching outside of a protected comfort zone, and in such a dynamic time, it would be required. Our housing and vehicle situation would change, and I would feel less accomplished towards being moderately free with time and resources to do thing we want to do.

[Update (6 days later): There is more to do on this post, but for the sake of moving on, much like life and time seem to do, I’m going to post this and perhaps pick it up again later. We’ll see if I get around to it. ]

More thinking, more action, more growth.

I’ve been dealing lately with the fact that I am putting on pounds, and now I’m acting to remove them. I topped 200lbs again, and while for a spell I hovered around 180, it reminds me that my goal is actually 165-175. I don’t know how realistic the low side is, but I do know that I feel better about myself when at those lower poundage.

==

I got involved with the weekly sunday webcast and am just now getting back to the journal entry. This evening I got a good full hour in of kate listening. It was nice to be able to listen & relisten while riding around the valley. I rode around 10 miles in the hour that I was out, and not only am I feeling good about myself and making action towards good fitness, but also mentally empowered!  Woohoo!

K. Time for bed.

It’s the morning of the 6th, marking the two month anniversary of our wedding. For some reason, yesterday, I found myself in some old habits again… Allowing past vices to sneak back into my life and try to challenge my sense of self worth.

I think the kickoff point may be my own thoughts about my own value – two weeks ago, we attended WWDB Family Reunion, and coming out of it with a new fire, I haven’t maintained the heat consistently. There are people all around looking for more out of life, and I don’t feel that I’m extending myself to them and their future. This is all to say that I don’t feel strong. Granted, Bill, Sharon & Heather all see me as strong and capable; why is it that I don’t have the same angle of viewing?

In conjunction with the feeling unworthy, yesterday at lunch I felt unimportant to Heather. Wow, that’s a way to put it. .But I can’t really see it being much different – it was lunch time, she was late, her comments were surrounding her, my involvement was merely as a verbal dump site rather than much in the way of engagement. But it’s interesting that I summarize things in this way – aren’t I just being selfish?

Time for shower & work…

Well, I don’t really recall if it was just a day ago that I put up the last template based post, but here’s the second half of that, to the best of my sleepy ability:

Something New (learned)

Attended a session about on-fire customer service, it was good, though a lot of the material was primarily repeat stuff. It was interesting at how he used media to intersperse his talk with visuals. 3 hours went by relatively quick.

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Not really sure that I’ve been immersed enough in learning to have something new to apply. Something old? hmm… Check back with me another time.

Something Neat (daily story?)

Heather & I walked around this evening with just some quiet self time. It was interesting that as we were walking, we noticed Paul Kelly & Tanya Roust both living close by.

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

I think I might have prayed… oh yes, for a meal or two with heather. It was good, but I feel like I could dig a little deeper in that arena. I can’t say it feels entirely routine, but it sure is starting to lean in that direction without fostering my relationship.

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Walking about the valley for 2-3 hours was something physical. Sex before and after the walk was too. 🙂

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

I recall a bit of frustration with dealing with work. Not only the dynamic of being out of sorts regarding my present work situation, but also while approaching documentation today I was confronted with a wrinkle that makes my efforts doubled to design documentation.

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Heather & I, during our walk, had a chance to talk with one-another about several topics, from sex to the always enjoyed “do you feel loved by me” approach. I don’t know that I have clear answers, nor do I know how to navigate much of the world, but it was nice to connect with my wife and chat about some of the things that have been running under the surface for a while.

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)

Going on a hike tomorrow morning to get a sense for timing and for photography of the Lopez couple this next weekend. We might also do some Harry Potter (the latest movie was released this week) and we might even jump in on the tail end of a pampered chef event with anna-mariah. Napping might also be good since we’re committed to walking in the cancer-walk-a-thon thing tomorrow night/early morning.

Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)

Journaling, thinking, building my relationship, and even a (very slight) bit of reading. It all adds up, does it not?

It’s lunch time and my pizza is rapidly cooking in the toaster oven (man I love those things!) I thought I’d take a moment to post another entry as a time of reflection. I noticed (again) that I had a template constructed and ready to be used, so I thought I’d use it as the hopper to toss my ideas and thoughts into. Let’s see what comes out:

First Things First

I’m doing a blog entry, isn’t that enough?

Sleep Log

less than normal, not enough, more than I’d like. I’ve been feeling blah lately, so I keep thinking more sleep might help, but really, it doesn’t seem to. I love the idea of a mere 3-4 hours a night, but I don’t like the physiological burn that I get in the afternoon following several of those days. The other thing I noticed, especially during the wedding planning was that sleep was far less necessary when there was a dream with a deadline rapidly approaching. I’m not sure that I sense that peril right now.

Humor

i’ve got my macbook pro now, and lots of people are surprised to know i’ve got one. I find it funny as I never knew that I developed so much clout for the pc side without ever really voicing any opinion on the matter.

Struggle

heather and I get to figure out the topic of sex. we both want more, but want it to be natural, and we’ll see where it goes. further, i’ve been funkified lately, so I’m looking forward to getting up out of that. I think it will be linked to my performance in our business, but we’ll see soon enough, I suppose.

Beauty

I have a beautiful wife. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.

Kindness

I guess I get to help nick develop his skillz sometime next week while he takes pictures of sterling.

Classes

not sure what this one is for. maybe what I’m learning? Learning to get back on the bandwagon for personal development.

Goals for Tomorrow

I’m still on today…

[okay, this is where i stop and get off this ride – I’ve gotta eat my pizza and get back to work. ttfn! -cb]

Something New (learned)

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Something Neat (daily story?)

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)

Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)

It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.

So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge.  The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.

Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.

So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.

There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.

I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.

Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂

-me.

Starting out on another journey. I have excitement for what lies ahead. Though at the same time, I have a healthy respect for the time & energy it may take… Stephen Covey speaks on starting with the end in mind, so perhaps that is the thing to do here, too. Where do I want to be when this journey has reached its destination?

I think of men like Dave Severn, Brad Wolgamott, and Brad Duncan as examples of men who have developed their spiritual walk in a healthy way… I think the core of the issue links up with the type of man I am daily and without observation. I want who I am in the light to match who I am behind closed doors. I want to experience blessing for…

[just trails off… and at the bottom of the page…]

Q: What does it look like to be a man after God’s own heart?