Alright, so since I’m doing this at 6 in the evening, I suppose it’s more of a June 6, 2004 than the previous entry.
Watched my little brother graduate today. That was interesting. Bruce Bothello was the speaker (he’s presently the Juneau Mayor). I got to see lots of people that I haven’t seen in quite some time. Nico Bus, Salena Kasler, Robert Ridgeway, and more. Then I went to eat with my mother, Shane, Dawn, and her daughter & daughter’s boyfriend. We ate at the salmon bake which was nice. It’s really nice out right now.
I woke up at 8:30 to my alarm, and then promptly fell back asleep. I think I got out of bed at around 10ish.
Today during graduation, while the conferring of degrees was taking place, someone threw out a couple of beach balls into the crowd. I thought it was sorta funny, but I guess the lady who came in to take them away didn’t.
Trying to figure out what I want to do with the relationship I have with Helen. On one hand, she’s a great person, on the other, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a committed relationship. I guess I should have thought of that years ago, huh? I think I need to grow up, or get something out of my system, or something… I don’t know how to explain it at this point.
At the Salmon Bake today, my mother had found out that one of the girls working there had graduated the same year as myself. I was thrown into a conversation with her which was nice, but at the same time slightly strange. It seems that she was looking for some sort of adult interaction, as though she didn’t get much of it at times… Which might be the case – she’s got a 1 year old at home. Anyhow, the beautiful thing is meeting new people, and making them feel special. She has a gorgeous smile, and when I told her such, she lit up.
I guess it falls back to the meeting new people. In addition to Cara at the Salmon Bake, I met Kay Anderson who is a sophomore at UAF – studying Spanish. She’s here over the summer working, but is originally from Oregon. It was nice to chat with her.
Go work on the garage. Possibly go for a walk out Kowee Creek or somewhere like that. Put together an order. Figure out details within my finances. That’s about it.
I think it’s more like the 5th since I haven’t yet gone to bed for the night, so that might be another consecutive day… If so, cool! (the other possibility is that the other entries were also in the same late night setting so they were actually tracked as the following day…)
Anyhow, during the last entry, I was thinking that a technique that Amanda Sauro used when doing her weblog. She had different categories that she put down and then spoke to each of them with the recap of the day. She had: First Things First, Sleep Log (just when she woke up and went to bed), Humor, Struggle, Beauty, Kindness, Classes, and Goals for Tomorrow. If I recall correctly, she got the idea from watching Oprah. Even stranger, Oprah is not spelled incorrectly according to MS word – I guess if you’re a TV personality, you can have your name added to spell checkers! Neat!
Alright, so back on track now… I was thinking of instituting a similar process, but in my thinking, I was considering changing it slightly to help me develop as a person. It might be good to have sections like: Something New (learning), Something Old (application), Something Neat (daily story?), Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual), Something Physical (what activity did I do?) Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?), Something Relationship (notes from my relationships), Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).
It seems like a longer list than I thought it would be, but lets see what it would look like (I’ll include Amanda’s/Oprah’s list as well…) Here goes!
First Things First
I like the effect of Journaling – It’s a nice way to reflect on my day.
Sleep Log
Um, got up at noon (was up till 5 or 6 am yesterday so I only got 6 hours of sleep.) Planning to go to bed right after this – it’s 2:36 AM right now. I did get to take a nap this evening, but I have no clue how long it was.
Humor
John and I were talking about the potential skits associated with winning the Home Incentive Promotions – Like doing parody songs or movie scenes… That was entertaining to put a cleaning twist on songs like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice…
Struggle
Communicating my interest level clearly without hurting others (in reference to the relationship I have with Helen. We went to Costco today, and I just didn’t have a hang out be social type aura to me.)
Beauty
Hmm… I don’t think I recall anything right off… I guess I did see a nifty little mazda mx8 or something like that – a little red sports car for broke people I’d guess.
Kindness
I was nice to take Helen to the Post Office and to the Bank before going to Costco.
Classes
I don’t really have any, though I was thinking of approaching the homework that is associated with the PADM class that I took over the summer. I also need to review that homework.
Goals for Tomorrow
Attend my little Brother’s graduation. And be nice with the family – even if it leads to dinner or other activities.
Something New (learned)
Goofed around looking at the registry of my computer and found some neat spots – though I only disabled some startup services and removed some registry entries for startup items.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Hmm… Dunno.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).
Ack, having too many items really leads me to not want to write any more… I guess I’m already 2 pages in almost so I’ll just call it good at that. It’s 2:44 am now. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 am.
G’night!
April 18, 2004
Hey there, I’m actually over at Bill and Sharon’s place, waiting for the 10-10-10 program overview. I’ve got my binder of stuff and that’s about it… I think this’ll be done in an hour, and then I’ll do some other things… like clean my room. Helen isn’t feeling well presently so she’d like to have me come by (of course).
April 10, 2004
So yeah, it’s Saturday, and here I am listening to some music (Brittany Spears – Toxic) before getting ready to go off to work. I just installed Dreamweaver MX 2004 – so I look forward to working on some projects which I should be able to commence with now that I’ve got it installed.
Ooh, went to get the mail and found that I had a couple movies waiting for me – Bruce Almighty and The Rookie. I’ve seen both before, but I’ve been working on building a personal library, and they’re both ones that I wanted.
I have to get ready to go to work at one so I’ve gotta run. Time for a shower and then off to work! Ooooh… I still need to do taxes yet this year… ick.
April 6, 2004
It’s Helen’s b-day! Whee! Though I really don’t know what will transpire due to that. Actually, right now, I think I’d rather take a brief nap – I might even do that when I’m all done with checking my email and writing this entry.
Work was alright today – was semi-busy since Jeff was out sick. I took a little bit longer lunch so that I could cover until 5, but the time taken was well needed. I ran around taking care of deposits/mailing for the Wildes… Whew – if having rental properties is as much effort as I put out the past couple of days, I don’t think I want any (unless they’re excessively profitable.)
I need to call Compaq about my computer to get it all fixed up before the warranty is up. I think I’m gonna take care of my taxes first and then work to back everything up so that I don’t have to rebuild data again… that’s been no good – though I’m so glad that Helen has been willing to do most of the data entry for last year’s finances.
Alright, next I’m onto making starclient work, bleh – more fixing things… I can’t wait till it’s all better.
April 5, 2004
Alright, another day. So I slept in a bit more than I expected, but I still had the chance to get to go to breakfast with Helen – I think it’d be nice if she were a bit more cheery in the morning – I suppose she didn’t get enough sleep last night – though I would bet that it’s more related to attitude.
I am hoping to get a bumped flight today, though it pends having Sharon contact me back before I’m supposed to get on the plane. As it stands, I’m getting into Juneau at 1:40, and then have pickup for Sharon and deposits to handle… I’d like to get bumped, but it means that I’d get into Juneau later this evening or even tomorrow. Ugh.
Sharon gets into Chicago at around 4 pm (1 pm Juneau time. That means that she should be able to get the message and respond before 9 am, right? I hope so.
So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.
I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.
Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.
We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.
I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.
— she came back—
hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…
She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.
What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?
I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.
I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.
How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.
Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.
Alright, I’m going to bed now.
3/25/04
Journal entry of some sort
3.15.2004
Lunchtime
So here I am – It’s a Monday, I’m at lunch, and it’s nice cause I can take some time to note whatever I happen to think about.
My first thought while sitting down is that I’m pretty sore. It comes from ultimate yesterday – a practice with the Upsea Daisies… My quads, calves, and ankle are all sore. Oh well. They’ll get better.
It’s cold sitting here. Although I do like the lighting. It’s bright which is always a nice thing (unless trying to sleep.)
I have to go back to work in 20 minutes.
Okay, so finding things to talk about is a bit of a challenge at the moment, but they’re starting to come more easily now.
It’s surprising at what a difference being Russian can do for an appearance – For instance, both Lera and Alyona (Helen) are quite attractive. I’m sure there are many women who would be bombshells if only they dressed the part. It seems that Russian women do.
I’ve been reading more than normal lately. That has been nice. I’m going to try to read each day before I get done with work. This morning I was able to read before my shower out of ‘Communication, Sex, and Money’. It’s interesting that sometimes while reading, I can notice myself being resistant to changing – especially when it means work on my part – as in relationships or habits that I might have. I don’t really know what the cause for the hesitation.
I had the thought yesterday to talk with Toby Coate about his spiritual walk and the like – I like the fact that he seems to live what he says, and plays the part well. There are other people out there who seem to use their lives as a forum to periodically apply the good learning and teachings that happen within church settings, but all-to-many people decide that no one is looking. I’m sure that even I do that to some extent.
My battery life on my laptop sure isn’t what it used to be… it’s surprising how quickly it gets drained – I’m only been unplugged for maybe 55 minutes, but still I’m at the low category something like 16 minutes left!
I need to use the facilities but I think I’m gonna wait for about 5 minutes so that I can go while on my way back to work.
I’d rather go home for the remainder of the day – oh well. Oh, I need to do more finance stuff. Lookie there – Patricia is back online I’ll chat with her a bit before going back to work.
I wonder if I’ll ever get to see her again. It was interesting to have the intense summer fling thing – fun, but unnerving since there wasn’t ever really anything defining about it.
Oh, bout time for me to go back to work. I guess it was nice to type for a few minutes – perhaps with time, I’ll get better at this.
Bye.
I love people.
I know that people are weird, but life is good.
I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.
Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.
There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.
I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.
I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.
SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!
To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.
Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:
1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.
I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.
This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!
All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.
In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.
No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.
My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.
This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.
At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.
I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.
I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.
I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.
I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.
My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.
My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.
originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…
Okay, so another day down. Work at the helpdesk was good, nothing unique to report other than my training of Holly. It was good, though I like training when contacts are coming in.
Another good thing was that we talked about our interlude. I suppose we were both aware that it might be awkward working together. I found that she wasn’t upset with me, and that is good. Right now the air is cleared. We’ll see what happens. Adriana backed out of climbing at the rock dump… that was lame. In retrospect, I gave her a real hard time about that. I want to do that less (give hard times.) Perhaps we’ll go soon. I think Friday is the planned time.
Tyson gets back tomorrow. Oh my gosh. It’s been 2 years already! Yikes. I wonder what he will think about my activity level. I hope he is graceful about it. I’d guess he would.
Helen paged me today, just a little note/msg to let me know that she loves me. I wonder what love means.
I still might go to fairbanks in a couple of weeks. I’m waiting for a guy at statewide to get back to me about it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow.
I talked with Eric for a while today about the housing arrangement… It seemed to go well, but we’ll see what happens with Amanda. I wish there was some easy way to accomplish everyone’s desires. Likely not, but it’d be kinda neat.
Tomorrow there is a Pohl BP here. I need to use some time to clean, and maybe do some dishes too.
Oh today I found out that I have female sperm. I guess all guys have it, but needless to say, I was a bit surprised.
Well, I’ve still got some reading.
Night!
-Cody