So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.

I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.

Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.

We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.

I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.

— she came back—

hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…

She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.

What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?

I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.

I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.

How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.

Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.

Alright, I’m going to bed now.

3/25/04

Hmm… The strangeness of being me…

So here it is theree days before Family Reunion.  Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.

Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.

1. Big Penguin
   1. I don’t really see that this could go anywhere.  I’m all mormon, and I like that (though I have challenges in my life that would qualify me as not so mormon). She’s catholic, but a cool gal.  What would that do for me?  She has some direction, but different spiritual life, and a nearly cynical outlook on life.  I think it stems from her friendship with JH and KM.  I get the distinct impression that she’s all about having the feel good relationship thing, but I don’t know about her willingness to change as much as relationships (especially with me) would require.
2. Foggy Crystal.
   1. So what the heck…  go from talking almost daily (I think…) to not at all.  It makes me wonder if I did something to offend her…  Should I be apologizing for something? She’s a great lady, with lots to offer in a relationship, but again, the cute ones always seem to look for the bad scenarios…  Thinking of which, I’m sure that I could be considered a bad scenario.  It is Tuesday, and with the frequency of her working on her computer, I would imagine that she has seen the email, which would also mean that she is ignoring the response.  I suppose that it would sufficeth to say, “Oh well.”  We’ll see where that relationship goes…  I don’t see me mingling much with her group of friends…  I’m not all about the drinking scene.  Go figure.  It’d be nice if people would address why they do the things that they do.
3. Virgin Mary.
   1. Yep, I bet that’s a true one.  Good for her.  So I’ve made many mistakes.  It makes me wonder if I can change my heart enough that I would be able to be worthy of someone who has chosen to save themselves for their husband.  Would I be able to be strong enough?  That’s the toughest part.  Mary seems like a cool gal, but I don’t really know what more to make of her.  Seems that she has developed a slight case of bitterness towards guys in general since things went not so well with David. It’d be nice to get to know her, but I really don’t know where to start that one. Besides, it sounds like she is interested in leaving Juneau for good just to get back to her home land so that she can have the good feelings again. I don’t blame her since she’s contemplating a Mission. That’s awesome.  I wonder if I could meet the specs to attract a return missionary.  How the heck do I change my heart that much!  I can only do it with Christ. I like that, but it can be a hard thing to release the control that I have.
4. Spanish Class
   1. Hmm, that was an interesting evening…  I will have to thank her for her honesty and the willingness to chat with me.  I don’t really get much of a chance to share those frustrations with anyone.  Seems like most are biased in some way or another. It was nice to try to share the fact that I’ve found things within the language, that really are attractive, and that are great commodities. I only hope that the reaction will be mature, rather than some sort of disappearing act.   That’d suck.  Also about that, how do you bridge the culture differences?  The different peers, the desires out of life, and the fact that they have desires to be places that are warm. What to do, what to do.  Lunch will be good tomorrow.  I wonder what’s to eat.
5. Japanese Gardens
   1. I here there are deep meanings to those things.  Very contemplative, and very serene.  I see a lot of those same qualities in this one.  Answers come quickly and are clear, however, in the amreican version, the ground seems to be muddled, and so the seeds have difficulties pushing through the challenges of the local soil.

I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen.  I don’t know that she is the one though.  I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers?  What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.

It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship.  I wonder why that is.  I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete.  Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.

And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that?  What am I looking for?  What the heck do I think I will find.

The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself?  If I say that I do, do my actions back it up?  Does my girlfriend desire to change herself?  Do I facilitate that situation?  So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.

I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen.  She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community.  I’m not even in the aquatic field!  I work with computers! Grr.

So I’ve punched away and come up with a  couple pages of comments.  It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.

I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.

Good night,
-Cody Bennett

January 27, 2002

From the Gray Journal

Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.

My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.

Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.

Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.

It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.

Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…

Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.

Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.

Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.

-Cody

Two days ago I was on a chat line and gave ‘cyberhead’ to some girl, now I’m catching hell. Everybody seemed to think that I was so innocent yet they had no idea what I am really like. My ‘chatting’ caught them off guard and surprised them so now they give me a hard time about it. Recently Mara & Chester’s relationship has gone to hell, Mara’s depressed – she loves him deeply and he says to go away & leave him alone. The catch is he still loves her. & is being a real asshole about it. He thinks that it would be better for her if they split up. Both she & I think otherwise. Me, now, am worried about Mara & what will become of her – but no progress is being made towards my ‘love’?, Crystal. Also today I met with Larry & he gave me a run through on my procedure tomorrow. I will try to get together with him right after lunch, then I will do my first set of standards, solutions, and expiraments. Candace is almost taking my advice to stay away from Beamer. I said almost because today he received an email message from her. Over the chat line I met a 24 yr old in South Africa. She has been giving me advice on life in general. She is amazed at the fact that I’ve never made out with anyone. She seems to be a great person. She goes as Venus over chat but told me her email address so that I may question her that way. Unfortunately whenever we talk that she never asks questions unless they clarify more about me, it seems so 1-sided. I sometimes feel uncomfortable about that but I’m glad I found someone that I feel confortable talking to about these subjects —

Our schedule at school today was lame. It took the longest time to reach lunch today. Luckily that time was productive. Eli & I have scheduled an appointment with him on thursday (him being Larry Holland) to help us with our Orange Project. So far he’s a cool guy. We had a sub in math today. His name is Sammy Sims. He wouldn’t let us sit on desks, wear hats, or be tardy or leave. The weird thing is that he was awesome!

I’m still squandering with my 2 large, make that 3 large projects: Russian Home Page, Technology Proposal for Phoenix and the Science Fair Project. We wen’t to a meeting today w/Bill & he covered a lot of the things we’ve already heard, not what we assumed we’d be doing.

On a sour note my mom’s being an ass about the business. Automatically she assumes that I dislike her partnership just be cause I’m tentative about the options which are unknown to me at this point. That’s what we though we would cover in today’s meeting.

Crystal didn’t get her luggage.