Not really sure what I had in mind for a post today, but just trying to keep up with things… 

Today I awoke around 1pm, after going to bed last night really, really late. Wasn’t really up doing anything in particular, but I found the evening of entertainment with Heather to go a while… scrabble & cards & movie lasted into the wee hours. 

Today, to speak of activities… I did a bit of work on the BeCore10.com site, as well as some of the wildsofalaska.com site… afterwards, I put together bonus checks for downline and then headed out to drop them off. 

Interestingly, I keep watching movies where I find myself thinking about relationships and whether or not Heather is “the one”, but at the same time I keep falling back towards old habits.

Carolina invited me to a movie tomorrow night, and in the texting back and forth, the topic was quite sexual – not sure if she’d follow through with it as she has given me the impression that she is the good christian sort, waiting for marriage, but if one is willing to think and talk about it, it seems that she may be willing also. I’m intrigued, excited, and shamed. We’ll see if I find myself free tomorrow night. It seems like the best thing I’ve got is Heather to help keep me faithful. 

And, while dropping off my the bonus check, helen and I had another interlude. 

While heading out to the valley to return home, Mike Popovich was on the CD I was listening to and he was lauding the necessity for matching thoughts, words and actions… and that if one is off, the whole process is broken (with regards to building your business). Interestingly, I think that wisdom could apply anywhere in life; with my chastity, my thoughts & actions aren’t in alignment with my word… or maybe it’s just that there is duplicity in my thoughts words and actions… depending on who my audience happens to be at that moment. 

well, it’s 12:15, so I suppose I ought to be heading to sleep. It’s nice to type a few hundred words a day to help articulate what it is that I experience in a day, or in life at large.

Hello again. 

Just a quick moment of ramblings before continuing on with my evening. 

Today has been good – I got together with Corey McKrill & Jason Hickey and we had a good chat. Terra Parker happened to stop in, and as we all went to school together, we had a good chat of catching up. 

This afternoon Heather & I took a walk out on Mendenhall Lake. We made it quite a ways, but not out to the ice. 

Afterwards I made progress on the Goldbelt Holiday Party – prints are now ordered. I really need to look at what it takes to get a nice holder or otherwise for them… 

Heather came over after that and we played some scrabble, concentration, speed and crazy-eights. It was a good night, finished off with a movie called Believe In Me about a girls basketball in Oklahoma during the 60’s. Good story, and I guess it was based on a true one too.

Helen is still trying to proposition me, and frankly, if it were more convenient, I’m afraid I’d take her up on it.

From the two movies last night, and even other movies in the past, I’m starting to catch the hint that I need to make up my mind and be faithful to Heather if I expect anything to happen in the future. Part of me wants to clear my chest, and part of me wants to keep it hidden and hope it can be permanently swept under the rug. I’m not sure what the ideal solution is, of course, but in the meantime I don’t make a crucial decision.

Alright, some how it ended up at 4:45 (in the morning), and I’m still up. I think it’s time for sleep. 

g’nite.

It has been a good day. 

It started by staying up way late last night and setting up the Juneau Life profiles all over the web. I awoke this morning with heather arriving around 10 am. I laid in bed a bit longer while we chatted about miscellany… Finally around 11am, we got up and moving. She cooked a lovely breakfast of banana-macadamia pancakes, eggs & bacon, and I tried to finish the final wrappings I had yet to do. Next we had some food around noon, and when finished, I jumped back to business with submitting a contest entry for the All Day I Dream About Photography blog, for a year’s subscription to Smugmug. I guess I’m one of 3 submitters, so we’ll see how I do against the competition. Here’s the full-resolution link, if you like.

We’ll also see if I can insert a smaller version in the blog entry to try to make things a bit more flashy: 

Christmas Collage (Entry for ADIDAP)

So, theoretically, that image will take you to the jumbo version, but really, I don’t know for sure. 

On with the day. 

Next Heather & I picked up Shane and headed out to Mom’s house for dinner. She had cooked up a storm and had all the fixin’s. It was good. At some point through the night, Shane decided to get feisty with mom about a gun he left behind, and I stepped in and told him to drop the issue; I think he was upset about something prior and, it seemed he might have been disappointed by the gifts he received when compared to the items my mom got. We eventually gave shane a ride home and then went to see Seven Pounds with Will Smith; a very heavy show. 

While I’m in that neck of the woods, I’ll see if I can articulate some of the items I received (and gave): 

For me: 

• two dress shirts, one had a matching tie
• dress pants
• pocket wizard plus (though it may require a return or a purchase of a second one to make it a useful tool for off-camera flash.
• a carhart zippered sweatshirt (though it’s a bit small, so will get a return)
• some tire repair kit pieces to patch bike tires

For other people: 

• heather
  • crash course dvd
  • $1000 of chiropractic care
  • custom photo-book of cherished memories
  • personalized accents ribbon gift album (for jewelry)
  • two (regifted) mugs and hot-cocoa.
• mom
  • flat screen monitor
  • mark kelley calendar
  • crash course dvd
  • allman brothers band chronology
• shane
  • book on dreams
  • earnest collection dvd
  • 4 classic rock cds & cd case
• jason
  • ribbon gift album (variety style)
  • movie viewings (one card, one paid for tonight)

And I got some stuff for other people too, but I don’t really feel like chronicling the list now.

I think heather & i will be sitting down to do something else (or go to sleep early) so we’ll see where that heads, but for now, I’ll be signing off. 

nighty, night.

Those are the two topics I was thinking of writing about. Primarily I intended to write about pain or hurt this evening, and then I realized that the other day I had intended to write a bit about love… So now you get a truncated version of both.

Love.

Heather said she loves me, and frankly it brings tears to my eyes. I’m not sure what to make of it, as the whole experience of love and vulnerability scares me. I was hurt as a child, from my fathers absence to my own mistakes in past relationships, and I’m afraid that I might make some of the same mistakes I had in the past. I don’t want to cause pain, and I’m afraid that I have simply hidden reality rather than experiencing it. It’s much like that book “For Women Only” where men innately feel they are imposters, but I am afraid that it is so much deeper than that.

Pain.

Heather and I had some type (I’m not even sure) of thing this evening. I don’t know if it was her tone that I took offense to, or perhaps that I did something that she did not see my heart in. Either way, it’s a strained air between us. These don’t last, but it’s no fun having the pain exist. I feel accused and condemned for being myself, but I’m not sure if I have brought that criticism to myself through my actions towards heather.

Hurt.

My heart aches. I think it is at an absence of spiritual connection – I don’t feel the motivation or worth to pray. I get nervous that I am simply lip-syncing a prayer. The other day I found myself praying for a huge dream; one that scares me, and moves me, and gives my flesh motivation to do the work. I’m not sure that I see it yet, but it seems to come to focus slowly at times with my analytical approach.

Marriage.

More and more, day by day, person by person (almost), I get questioned, or commented about the prospect of Heather and I getting married. I despise the pressure, and would much rather retreat to a more protected land where I could think through things and come to an answer without the influence of peers who have no clue what they want in their life.

Alright, I’m going to get some sleep and awake with a new passion to maintain productivity through the morning and into the day. There is so much to be done in life, and I am the man to do it.

Have a good night!

So, as you likely noticed, I didn’t write yesterday, though I had a supremely eventful day.

It was the first time that I invited a crowd to my home for a Thanksgiving Feast.

We had 18 or so people, and it was a lot of fun. I got up at 6:30 and commenced with preparations – a shower and then onto cooking. By 9am the turkey was in the oven, and surprisingly the morning was relatively passive. (including the couple times we tripped the breaker for the circuit we were cooking on.) Also, Jason Bowes helped out with miscellaneous preparations, and by around 1:30 or 2, the first guest had arrived.

By 2:40, most all the attendees were packed into my living room, and everyone was either socializing, or busy trying to finalize the cooking. With the process of trying to cook everything to finish right at 3pm, it created a creshendo of energy as items needed to get in and out of the oven, in and out of boiling water and so forth. I was trying to orchestrate the chaos of people who didn’t know my house and at the same time cut a 20 pound turkey. It all worked out though. We had SO much food.

When it was all said and done, I think we had the following:

Main dishes:

• Ham
• Turkey

Side Dishes:

• 2 types of sweet potatoes
• garlic mashed red potatos
• honey glazed carrots
• corn
• asparagus
• stuffing (from the bird, as well as baked (including vegitarian!)
• cranberry sauce (three types)
• salad
• rolls, fresh bread, baguettes, and another loaf of bread
• fruit salad (pistachio jello mix, whipped cream and crushed pineapple)

Snack foods:

• Blue chips
• wheat thins
• salmon dip
• carrots
• olives (green and black)
• pickles
• cucumber slices
• bell pepper slices (red, orange & yellow)
• broccoli florettes
• mushrooms
• tahini(?) sauce (cucumber sauce?)

drinks

• sparkling juices (like marinellis)
• grape juice
• hansons sparkling drinks

desserts

• pumpkin pie (x4)
• apple pie (x2)
• pecan pie (x2)
• ice cream (vanilla)

…and probably a few more things.

after everyone was stuffed and we had socialized for some time, we eventually watched the Run, Fatboy, Run movie – it was a good one about a gent who was pushing through walls in his life.

would I do it again? sure thing. Especially for heather. would I plan a little bit more? Maybe only to get more than 4 hours of sleep the night before.

we’ll see if we do it again at christmas-time…

Well, today was another busy one – I got a full day of work in, more shopping for Thanksgiving with Heather and Krista Koehn (here for fall 08 on exchange). It was entertaining, slightly less efficient, but we got the job done. Grabbed some items from Heather Swanson’s place and then gave rides to ultimate. Afterwards, Keith, Dave Job, Angela Hubbs, Heather, Elly Mauer (current roomie) & myself did a bunch of chopping, can opening, creating, and overall prepping for thanksgiving. With my legs throbbing a bit while I lie here, it feels like it’s been a good day. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow.

i’m tired, so i bid you a fond farewell or whatever you might say at such junctures.

It twas indeed.

Today seemed to go by pretty quick again. Thank the good lord that he energized me to awake prior to my alarm so I could get some quality time into listening to a CD and mentally prepping for the day. I’m looking forward to the same tomorrow.

Work was pretty run-of-the-mill. Heather was out sick, Ward and I held down the fort. He’s got a new iPhone and so is quite jazzed about that.

After work, I had pickup. I guess Jason & family are dealing with some tough times (Josh ingested a bunch of medicine taking him to the hospital, and while there Jason had his wallet/checkbook stolen). We’re in interesting times that we come to these things in daylight, and public service locations like a hospital.

Did a bit more planning for Tday… It looks like the numbers are firming up, and we might have 20 or so coming over for food. It’ll be packed. It’ll be crazy. It’ll be fun. I have a hint of trepidity about the number of people and the amount of room that I have, but we’ll see how it works out. Maybe not everyone will show up at once? ha, yeah right.

Also had a chance to sit down briefly with Bill and chat about client slideshows and how to work on developing clients. I’m really growing in the process of opening my mouth and allowing stuff to come out. I look forward to being a bit stronger with it, but I’m also pleased with where I’m at and headed.

Chatted with Bill Abbott again today about the christmas dinner event. Need to do some price spec’ing over the weekend for him. Not sure how I’ll do it… maybe Dave Gelotte can be of assistance to me… The want to minimize corporate’s expense, but still have the option there for folks who are interested. Should prove to be a fun experience.

alright, i’m gonna lay down to sleep (after checking the alarm and saying a prayer).

thanks for listening, as always.
-cb

Another day done.

Today, my business acumen was a bit on the lessened side of things. Here are some of the highlights of the day:

• awoke early, without an alarm (i like that)
• listened to a cd before work (also good)
• transcribed a bit of a CD (good again)
• went to work (eh… so, so.)
• submitted an order at lunch and called Quixtar/Amway Global to rectify a shipping mistake (no bigs)
• got a call about photographing a corporate dinner (interesting, still have detials to work out)
• thanksgiving day planning (good for me!)
• thanksgiving day invites (mostly for heather, though I appreciate a full house for thanksgiving too)
• chrismartensen.com review  (new dvd released today)

And now, i’m pretty much en route to bed.

Heather and I have had some sort of unrestful air between us the past couple of days. I presume that we as a couple are okay, and that she’s simply frustrated with something but not sharing such; I think I could stand to grow in my ability to face OSM (oh stuff moments) and ask her about what’s up, but for now, i’m keeping my head down, and I’m not quite sure why. maybe more progress on that tomorrow.

speaking of tomorrow, maybe i’ll do some shopping, and hopefully have a better idea of numbers for thanksgiving dinner!

sweet dreams to me!

Not sure what to journal about tonight, so I figure I’ll just start and see where it goes.

Saturday was a good day of getting up early, getting some productive time in and finishing off with some down time with Heather.

I took roughly 1700 shots of the Soul Street Dance group that was in town with Juneau Arts & Humanities Council, so we’ll see where those go. I think my more proud moment of the evening was offering some Rhodiola to the crew prior to their going on stage. Naturally their reviews of the evening were great in spite of various technical problems.

I’m most hopeful that I’ll be getting an email soon of client registration & ordering!

The change of Quixtar/Amway Global has me a bit nervous, but the anxiety is bound to be a positive thing – they’ll be changing over to auto-deposit bonus payment, which means that in order to have a bonus, we have to have at least 50 pv of client volume in the month. Not a big deal on one hand, but it makes client successes that much more valuable.

Today was a laid back sorta day – lots of relaxing, and generally not feeling altogether prodcutive – I watched several episodes of Heroes with Heather, and then attended the webcasts with Bill. Oh how I long to be a double eagle!  I seek to be strong, to commit to great things and to achieve them!

It’s thanksgiving week – Turkey Day is on Thursday; Heather and I will spend the time together cooking, and it sounds like Jason will chip in to assist even. Should be a good time.

One nice thing about the week is that it’s only a three day week at work.

I want to develop clients. I want to grow my business. I want to learn to earn support and business from others because of the value of what I offer!

Alright, that’s enough for now. I’m gonna head to sleep so that I can get up and get moving tomorrow morning. I expect that I’ll be waking up before my alarm goes off, and at that, I’ll be getting up and moving even without the added encouragement from the alarm!

g’nite.

Okay, maybe it’s not anger… maybe it’s more of an unrest or frustration that is just beneath the surface of my life…

I think about how all it takes to do great things is to take action (not even good action) in the direction that I want to go, and if I’m consistent with it, I’ll achieve whatever goal I might have.

I sit hear and type while Heather lays town to sleep next to me. It’s a Friday evening, and she’s restless with discomfort of being sick over the past few days, and trying to get some sleep to recharge for the weekend. Her breathing is heavy, thick almost, with congestion. I don’t think I’ve been anything but cross over the past few days, and I can’t really place why. It’s not that I’m upset with her… Perhaps it’s just myself… not being as productive as I would like to be. I feel frustrated by silly little things, like her breathing, and not really understanding what pain exists in my life that contributes to this sliver under my nail.

Midnight, and Bill had another plan tonight. 3 guests, all Oscar’s, I believe. I attended, with suit, with downline, but no new faces. It’s high time to get active, to expose this model to others, to thrive in helping other people achieve their goals – whether it be saving money or doing amazing things in the next few years to revolutionize their entire lives and their families future to come.

Activities for tomorrow are not planned to any degree other than a set activity of watching a cool dance performance in the evening. I want to make some progress with Britteny’s wedding album – 30’ish pages, with a variety of photos. I want to make some progress with Sophie’s photos, just to get them in a final place. I have many photo projects to finish… Time to get some done.

Further, I want to progress my business; calls to downline, offering my assistance, sharing my love, casting a vision of the future in spite of this uncertain economic time. I want to grow my business, making calls to people who have not yet seen the business model – as a goal to sit down and see the model. To grow my clientelle, reaching out to people’s needs – whether that be a superior product or just the benefit of Airline Miles. It’s a matter of reaching out and building relationships. Calling those people I haven’t called yet. Those people who may not yet be close friends. It’s about building others and helping them see the greatness in themselves. It’s about seeing the greatness with me.

Well, it’s midnight, and I’ll be getting up early to pursue some of these lofty plans towards various points of success. Staying true to my dreams will pay off in the end. I will (and am) breaking through those paper walls that exist in my life to find my freedom, prosperity and joy on the other side.