It’s the morning of the 6th, marking the two month anniversary of our wedding. For some reason, yesterday, I found myself in some old habits again… Allowing past vices to sneak back into my life and try to challenge my sense of self worth.
I think the kickoff point may be my own thoughts about my own value – two weeks ago, we attended WWDB Family Reunion, and coming out of it with a new fire, I haven’t maintained the heat consistently. There are people all around looking for more out of life, and I don’t feel that I’m extending myself to them and their future. This is all to say that I don’t feel strong. Granted, Bill, Sharon & Heather all see me as strong and capable; why is it that I don’t have the same angle of viewing?
In conjunction with the feeling unworthy, yesterday at lunch I felt unimportant to Heather. Wow, that’s a way to put it. .But I can’t really see it being much different – it was lunch time, she was late, her comments were surrounding her, my involvement was merely as a verbal dump site rather than much in the way of engagement. But it’s interesting that I summarize things in this way – aren’t I just being selfish?
Time for shower & work…
As part of a married couples small group, Heather and I are now going through The Love Dare as offered up by the movie Fireproof. This first day talks about the concept of being patient with your spouse.
Some highlight points (exerpts):
As I think back on my days, I feel that, largely, I’m a patient man. In the book, it offered the example of what could be considered impatient, and in reflection, there are certainly times where I am impatient or distressed by something she’s done, and in those times, I can certainly put more focused energy towards expressng my love rather than feeling slighted by whatever thing happened.
Well, I don’t really recall if it was just a day ago that I put up the last template based post, but here’s the second half of that, to the best of my sleepy ability:
Something New (learned)
Attended a session about on-fire customer service, it was good, though a lot of the material was primarily repeat stuff. It was interesting at how he used media to intersperse his talk with visuals. 3 hours went by relatively quick.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Not really sure that I’ve been immersed enough in learning to have something new to apply. Something old? hmm… Check back with me another time.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Heather & I walked around this evening with just some quiet self time. It was interesting that as we were walking, we noticed Paul Kelly & Tanya Roust both living close by.
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
I think I might have prayed… oh yes, for a meal or two with heather. It was good, but I feel like I could dig a little deeper in that arena. I can’t say it feels entirely routine, but it sure is starting to lean in that direction without fostering my relationship.
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Walking about the valley for 2-3 hours was something physical. Sex before and after the walk was too. 🙂
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
I recall a bit of frustration with dealing with work. Not only the dynamic of being out of sorts regarding my present work situation, but also while approaching documentation today I was confronted with a wrinkle that makes my efforts doubled to design documentation.
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Heather & I, during our walk, had a chance to talk with one-another about several topics, from sex to the always enjoyed “do you feel loved by me” approach. I don’t know that I have clear answers, nor do I know how to navigate much of the world, but it was nice to connect with my wife and chat about some of the things that have been running under the surface for a while.
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Going on a hike tomorrow morning to get a sense for timing and for photography of the Lopez couple this next weekend. We might also do some Harry Potter (the latest movie was released this week) and we might even jump in on the tail end of a pampered chef event with anna-mariah. Napping might also be good since we’re committed to walking in the cancer-walk-a-thon thing tomorrow night/early morning.
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)
Journaling, thinking, building my relationship, and even a (very slight) bit of reading. It all adds up, does it not?
It’s lunch time and my pizza is rapidly cooking in the toaster oven (man I love those things!) I thought I’d take a moment to post another entry as a time of reflection. I noticed (again) that I had a template constructed and ready to be used, so I thought I’d use it as the hopper to toss my ideas and thoughts into. Let’s see what comes out:
First Things First
I’m doing a blog entry, isn’t that enough?
Sleep Log
less than normal, not enough, more than I’d like. I’ve been feeling blah lately, so I keep thinking more sleep might help, but really, it doesn’t seem to. I love the idea of a mere 3-4 hours a night, but I don’t like the physiological burn that I get in the afternoon following several of those days. The other thing I noticed, especially during the wedding planning was that sleep was far less necessary when there was a dream with a deadline rapidly approaching. I’m not sure that I sense that peril right now.
Humor
i’ve got my macbook pro now, and lots of people are surprised to know i’ve got one. I find it funny as I never knew that I developed so much clout for the pc side without ever really voicing any opinion on the matter.
Struggle
heather and I get to figure out the topic of sex. we both want more, but want it to be natural, and we’ll see where it goes. further, i’ve been funkified lately, so I’m looking forward to getting up out of that. I think it will be linked to my performance in our business, but we’ll see soon enough, I suppose.
Beauty
I have a beautiful wife. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.
Kindness
I guess I get to help nick develop his skillz sometime next week while he takes pictures of sterling.
Classes
not sure what this one is for. maybe what I’m learning? Learning to get back on the bandwagon for personal development.
Goals for Tomorrow
I’m still on today…
[okay, this is where i stop and get off this ride – I’ve gotta eat my pizza and get back to work. ttfn! -cb]
Something New (learned)
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)
Last night, Heather & I had a bit of a rough spot in the communication arena. We haven’t had sex in a few days, and while I know she has been on her period, it seems she may be more interested in sex than I have been.
We were watching Harry Potter #5 last night, and I was feeling playful… biting arms & shoulders, kind of being a nuisance. Heather suggested that we pause the movie but I didn’t really respond. Later, after the movie was over, there was a bit of an explosion where it seems something had been stacking up for a while. Before she left on a 3 hour walk (at 2 am), she asked “why don’t you want me anymore?”
It’s not that. Maybe it’s related to my own self image? Maybe it’s tied to my recollection that for the past few months, we’ve had sex as a no-no. Maybe it’s that I don’t know how to initiate? Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy trying to solve frustrations for Heather that I haven’t been getting my own love-tank filled? Maybe it’s cause I’m not living in the flow? Maybe it’s related to the lack of sleep? Maybe, maybe. The list goes on and on.
So, with her explosion and departure last night, she left. I don’t approve of how she handled it, it seems very childish & selfish, and uncaring. One thought I had to myself shortly after she left (or was it this morning at 5 when I was driving to pick her up?) was: When I am upset or frustrated beyond my wits end, what action can I take to bring repair to the challenge at hand?
Right now, as I think of that question, I realize that storming out of the house in a maddened state is not what I’m looking for. It communicated to me that she was mad at me, and the best resolution was to simply get away. Naturally, I know this may not be the reality of the situation, but with the tone and actions of our exchange last night, it’s easy to reach that conclusion. A more positive direction might be to suggest that while it’s late and we’re obviously going to have the opportunity to talk about sex in our relationship, I’m feeling frustrated, and would prefer to talk about things in the morning after more sleep and a bit more rational thought.
I also realize as I sit and think and type this morning that part of this issue is my fault to begin with. I haven’t been sexing my wife, and while I don’t know exactly what that means for her, and what she would like, part of my role as a generous, understanding, gentle and strong husband is to communicate with her and let her know that I’m thinking of her, and our situation.
It’s funny that I’m at a place where I realize I’ve been wronged, but while I sit here this morning, I’d rather apologize for my shortcomings that led to this wrongful place of conflict.
It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.
So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge. The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.
Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.
So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.
There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.
I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.
Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂
-me.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
April 4, 2004
The Sunday night after leadership in Spokane, and here I am studying and writing this to myself. It was great to see Tommy and give some guidance/thoughts on his relationship with Hilari – I hope that does him well. As for the relationship for Helen and I, it was a good function for information, now the need it to turn around and apply it. Brad Duncan gave a smashing talk about Marriage as the closing talk – I think it was a way for people to get their oars in the water going the same direction – and as insight for those who aren’t presently married.
I find myself wondering how I am supposed to handle our relationship. On one hand, I see that the things that we endure are completely normal, however, at the same time, it’s as though we act married with our challenges… I suppose it’s better to address them now before married than waiting to tie the knot. I am hoping that I can come to an answer through continued scripture and book study and counsel with Bill and Sharon and whoever else I can have chat with me. I’m nearly through Leviticus right now, but going through the old testament, I’m not sure that I’m receiving what I need (other than the renewed reward of making a choice and then disciplining myself to carry through with it.)
So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.
I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.
Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.
We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.
I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.
— she came back—
hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…
She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.
What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?
I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.
I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.
How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.
Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.
Alright, I’m going to bed now.
3/25/04
Where do I want to be in 2-5 years?
Married, free from debt, have control of money, as well as control of time. I want to be able to travel. I want to have a home at [location]. I want to be the earned head of my family, both financially and spiritually. I want to be the priest of my family, to lead them both in this world and spiritually. I want to be an over-comer of those things that are naturally stumbling blocks to me. I want to have the resources to put money into cause I believe in (alternative schooling, youth ministries, outdoor leadership education, at-risk youth development and more.) I want ot be able to travel the world and learn of the situations where people are hurting. To come to the determination that there are things in the world that need more time and money put into, and to place my resources there. I want ot be a four-pillared man that puts his action where his mouth is. My word is my bond. If I say that I will be there, I will be there, unequivocally. On the outside of that time frame, I want to be a father. I want to be developed enough as a person to be able to coach a person in this world. I want to be the example as a father and as a husband. I want my friends and peers to use me as the benchmark, to look to me for an example of how to do it right. I want to have control over my emotions, to be able to choose which ones I participate in, to know which feelings are useful, or not. I want to be able to have the toys, but not sink all my time into them. I want to have the best friendship with my wife. To be the one that she looks to all of the time, not just when things are good or things are bad. I want to show love to my family. To support them in all the things that they want to do. To provide the dream homes for my mother and mother-in-law; to be the best buddy of my father-in-law. I want to go on fishing trips around the world with him, or to show him his dreams. I want to be able to treat my brothers; to have the resources to get to know both Nicholas and Shane in a way that I have yet to imagine; to be the ideal brother. Provide the resources that they might be able to pursue their dreams. To help them learn to succeed, to help them understand the process. I want to lead other people to the Lord by my example, my Christian walk, and my ministries. I want to be able to have the bills paid in yearly sums. I want to provide for my family in such a way that we can focus on the things that are important to us, and not the burdens or stresses in life. Later in life, I want to be my children’s hero. I want them to be able to look up to me and know that of all the people in the world that they want to be like me, and want to follow in my footsteps. I want to have friends that I feel comfortable to have my wife around because I know their integrity and love for us.
Where do I not want to be in 2-5 years?
I despise the idea that I would still be working. I hate the idea that perhaps my wife could be working. That I have not changed as a person so that as a father and as a husband, I am a weenie, and I only help to continue the disfunctionality passed on from generation to generation. I hate the idea that I will not be in control. That someone could tell me what to do. It would be horrible to be controlled by my emotions. It would be atrocious to be unfaithful to my wife or to my God; that I continue to lie to myself without recognition of those false truths. That I never get to know my brother more than I already do, that my mother continues in her situation without help or support. That she continues to be emotionally driven, right into the ground, and she decides that she will keep working for ever and ever. To be in a situation where I lie to others, I commit sin, and I draw others away from the presence of God; that I am still living paycheck to paycheck or Friday to Friday. It would be my worst nightmare to recognize that I have thrown away an opportunity to do great things in my life. To accept a life of mediocrity, to give up on all the things that are good and right and true. To wake up one day and recognize that all of these things have come true, while my dream-world continues to dwindle away into nothingness. That someone pops my big rubber yellow ducky in my pool without me noticing it. To maintain an association of people that bring our spirits and dreams down to the low state that the happen to be in that day. To be around people that cut others down, that are crude and unaware of the impact that they could have on the world.