June 30, 2004
Yikes, it’s been a while since I last posted.
Yup, Helen and I are still broken up.
Breadloaf is on campus, so that means lots of hikes (I have 3 planned this weekend).
Heather Eastaugh and I got a bit closer than I would have liked to (we kissed) after an evening of chatting. My feeling is that she’s been through lots of trauma, and though I suppose I’m willing to be a friend, I don’t want to wind up dating someone with those kinds of challenges (sexual/physical/emotional abuse.)
Helen and I need to figure out how to be apart. She’s looking for support from me, though I can’t really offer it because we’re supposed to be broken up. There’s still a middle ground available somewhere I hope. I guess it could all be resolved with a “I just can’t see you any longer, let’s take a break” talk…
I just had my Festiva’s muffler fixed yesterday. It’s all nice and quiet now. I like it.
That’s all I really have for the moment. I’ll try to do these more often.
June 4, 2004
Day number two in a row! Neat!
Alright, briefly about the day… Went to work, was distracted a lot by dreamweaver, though that wasn’t entirely bad cause I’m learning about CSS. It has lots of potential, but there’s certainly a learning curve. I talked with Heather (?) for about an hour today. She’s the one with arthritis and a conspiracy theory against computers. That was neat. It was nice to share with her, though I don’t want to give an impression that I’m interested. I would be alright with getting to know her I suppose… She’s set high standards that would be good to learn from. Went to talk with Dr. Shepro today about orthodics. He, of course, is biased about his strategy and it seems that Patrick is naturally biased towards his training. I went ahead and set up time to meet with Patrick which was nice. It was at the end of the day, so that gave a little leeway for asking questions about whatever I could think of. Basically I took away that I don’t really need orthotics, but it is most important to stretch out my calves and quads… I am really tight there (duh.) From there I had ultimate, which naturally was a good time, though I was tiring more easily than I had been expecting. I had a collision with Anna that rolled my ankle slightly and my thumb/wrist pain decided to act up, so I ended up calling it quits a couple points earlier than everyone else. I then walked to Breeze In to return Anger Management. It was a good movie, but not really my style, some of the humor was a bit rough. Not crude, just not really my style. During the walk over there Helen wanted to talk, so we did – the entire hour that I was there! I actually was hoping to get some CommuniKate in, but that didn’t happen.
Right now, it’s 12:18, so I think I’m being consistent with my sleeping patterns I suppose. I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:30 so I’ll be going to bed here shortly.
More thoughts about the relationship thing with Helen… Well, I keep getting the feel that I am going to be breaking up with her, though I don’t really want to run from something that I should be addressing in the course of the relationship – namely the sexual aspect. In talking with Bill & Sharon, it’s pretty obvious that the next step that I need to pursue is what I want to accomplish, and how breaking up (or staying together) might support that direction. Sound advice, but naturally, not the easiest to follow.
Alright, so that’s enough for the moment – I’m headed to bed. G’night.
June 3, 2004
Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.
I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.
I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.
On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…
I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.
This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.
Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.
April 18, 2004
Hey there, I’m actually over at Bill and Sharon’s place, waiting for the 10-10-10 program overview. I’ve got my binder of stuff and that’s about it… I think this’ll be done in an hour, and then I’ll do some other things… like clean my room. Helen isn’t feeling well presently so she’d like to have me come by (of course).
April 6, 2004
It’s Helen’s b-day! Whee! Though I really don’t know what will transpire due to that. Actually, right now, I think I’d rather take a brief nap – I might even do that when I’m all done with checking my email and writing this entry.
Work was alright today – was semi-busy since Jeff was out sick. I took a little bit longer lunch so that I could cover until 5, but the time taken was well needed. I ran around taking care of deposits/mailing for the Wildes… Whew – if having rental properties is as much effort as I put out the past couple of days, I don’t think I want any (unless they’re excessively profitable.)
I need to call Compaq about my computer to get it all fixed up before the warranty is up. I think I’m gonna take care of my taxes first and then work to back everything up so that I don’t have to rebuild data again… that’s been no good – though I’m so glad that Helen has been willing to do most of the data entry for last year’s finances.
Alright, next I’m onto making starclient work, bleh – more fixing things… I can’t wait till it’s all better.
April 5, 2004
Alright, another day. So I slept in a bit more than I expected, but I still had the chance to get to go to breakfast with Helen – I think it’d be nice if she were a bit more cheery in the morning – I suppose she didn’t get enough sleep last night – though I would bet that it’s more related to attitude.
I am hoping to get a bumped flight today, though it pends having Sharon contact me back before I’m supposed to get on the plane. As it stands, I’m getting into Juneau at 1:40, and then have pickup for Sharon and deposits to handle… I’d like to get bumped, but it means that I’d get into Juneau later this evening or even tomorrow. Ugh.
Sharon gets into Chicago at around 4 pm (1 pm Juneau time. That means that she should be able to get the message and respond before 9 am, right? I hope so.
April 4, 2004
The Sunday night after leadership in Spokane, and here I am studying and writing this to myself. It was great to see Tommy and give some guidance/thoughts on his relationship with Hilari – I hope that does him well. As for the relationship for Helen and I, it was a good function for information, now the need it to turn around and apply it. Brad Duncan gave a smashing talk about Marriage as the closing talk – I think it was a way for people to get their oars in the water going the same direction – and as insight for those who aren’t presently married.
I find myself wondering how I am supposed to handle our relationship. On one hand, I see that the things that we endure are completely normal, however, at the same time, it’s as though we act married with our challenges… I suppose it’s better to address them now before married than waiting to tie the knot. I am hoping that I can come to an answer through continued scripture and book study and counsel with Bill and Sharon and whoever else I can have chat with me. I’m nearly through Leviticus right now, but going through the old testament, I’m not sure that I’m receiving what I need (other than the renewed reward of making a choice and then disciplining myself to carry through with it.)
So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.
I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.
Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.
We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.
I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.
— she came back—
hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…
She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.
What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?
I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.
I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.
How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.
Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.
Alright, I’m going to bed now.
3/25/04
Hmm… The strangeness of being me…
So here it is theree days before Family Reunion. Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.
Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.
I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen. I don’t know that she is the one though. I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers? What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.
It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship. I wonder why that is. I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete. Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.
And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that? What am I looking for? What the heck do I think I will find.
The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself? If I say that I do, do my actions back it up? Does my girlfriend desire to change herself? Do I facilitate that situation? So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.
I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen. She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community. I’m not even in the aquatic field! I work with computers! Grr.
So I’ve punched away and come up with a couple pages of comments. It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.
I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.
Good night,
-Cody Bennett
I love people.
I know that people are weird, but life is good.
I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.
Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.
There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.
I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.
I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.
SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!
To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.
Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:
1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.
I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.
This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!
All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.
In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.
No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.
My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.
This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.
At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.
I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.
I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.
I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.
I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.
I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.
My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.
My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.
originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…