So I’m at the 2004 leadership… It was a great evening last night, though the feeling of the evening may not have caught up with me… It’s like I’m watching someone else going to the function. I’d like to have it delve deep into my heart, but I’m not sure that I’m there yet.

I like the fact that I got up early to do my reading today. I think I will receive the reward of positive energy for my choice – I read for 15-20 minutes from ‘The Secret of Success’ and then another 15-20 from Leviticas.

One thing that I haven’t grasped quite yet is the content of the old testament. I found the stories in Genesis and Exodus were great, but then it’s slowed to god telling Moses about what Aaron should be doing… (as in laws of the land.) I’m sure that it’s useful, but I’m not so sure it’s application today. I’m glad that it was of use back in their time, but now, I think I realize that cleanliness is good, though I’d wager, that the sacrifice of animals wouldn’t go over so well. I wonder whether or not this text was available to the people of the day.

I’m listening to Ron talking about Vision – to take 3-4 nights focusing on your vision, and then 3-4 nights in family/relationships…In order to do that, you’ve gotta give up hobbies and TV. Idle time is evil time. People with a vision don’t have time for it to be idle…

The function starts this morning in another hour or so… I’m looking forward to that. I just want it to get deeper and deeper into me. I must go eagle in the next 2-3 months… this stuff has gone on too long, and there must be a way to get out from under it. Give me 3 months to eagle – another 2 for double eagle, and then another month for platinum to come about. I need to go platinum for Bill and Sharon, and for Brad and Leslie. There is much impact that I can provide by simply stepping up and filling the gap. I need to develop a plan of Volume growth, and of width growth, and then define width growth – from then, I need to help others to do that too! 750 pv would be needed for duplication purpose – it’s far better for me to have ten 750 pv folk, than it would be to have a hundred 75 pv folks.

Waking up early, planning my day, and then following through with it is what it will take. I destroyed the barrier to discipline that I had, so I know (though there might be challenge) that I can accomplish things. I will continue to learn from scripture and reading, but here’s the time to put it into action…

Kay, gotta get ready. Word.

So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.

I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.

Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.

We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.

I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.

— she came back—

hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…

She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.

What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?

I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.

I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.

How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.

Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.

Alright, I’m going to bed now.

3/25/04

Journal entry of some sort
3.15.2004
Lunchtime

So here I am – It’s a Monday, I’m at lunch, and it’s nice cause I can take some time to note whatever I happen to think about.

My first thought while sitting down is that I’m pretty sore. It comes from ultimate yesterday – a practice with the Upsea Daisies… My quads, calves, and ankle are all sore. Oh well. They’ll get better.

It’s cold sitting here. Although I do like the lighting. It’s bright which is always a nice thing (unless trying to sleep.)

I have to go back to work in 20 minutes.

Okay, so finding things to talk about is a bit of a challenge at the moment, but they’re starting to come more easily now.

It’s surprising at what a difference being Russian can do for an appearance – For instance, both Lera and Alyona (Helen) are quite attractive. I’m sure there are many women who would be bombshells if only they dressed the part. It seems that Russian women do.

I’ve been reading more than normal lately. That has been nice. I’m going to try to read each day before I get done with work. This morning I was able to read before my shower out of ‘Communication, Sex, and Money’. It’s interesting that sometimes while reading, I can notice myself being resistant to changing – especially when it means work on my part – as in relationships or habits that I might have. I don’t really know what the cause for the hesitation.

I had the thought yesterday to talk with Toby Coate about his spiritual walk and the like – I like the fact that he seems to live what he says, and plays the part well. There are other people out there who seem to use their lives as a forum to periodically apply the good learning and teachings that happen within church settings, but all-to-many people decide that no one is looking. I’m sure that even I do that to some extent.

My battery life on my laptop sure isn’t what it used to be… it’s surprising how quickly it gets drained – I’m only been unplugged for maybe 55 minutes, but still I’m at the low category something like 16 minutes left!

I need to use the facilities but I think I’m gonna wait for about 5 minutes so that I can go while on my way back to work.

I’d rather go home for the remainder of the day – oh well. Oh, I need to do more finance stuff. Lookie there – Patricia is back online I’ll chat with her a bit before going back to work.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to see her again. It was interesting to have the intense summer fling thing – fun, but unnerving since there wasn’t ever really anything defining about it.

Oh, bout time for me to go back to work. I guess it was nice to type for a few minutes – perhaps with time, I’ll get better at this.

Bye.

Hmm… The strangeness of being me…

So here it is theree days before Family Reunion.  Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.

Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.

1. Big Penguin
   1. I don’t really see that this could go anywhere.  I’m all mormon, and I like that (though I have challenges in my life that would qualify me as not so mormon). She’s catholic, but a cool gal.  What would that do for me?  She has some direction, but different spiritual life, and a nearly cynical outlook on life.  I think it stems from her friendship with JH and KM.  I get the distinct impression that she’s all about having the feel good relationship thing, but I don’t know about her willingness to change as much as relationships (especially with me) would require.
2. Foggy Crystal.
   1. So what the heck…  go from talking almost daily (I think…) to not at all.  It makes me wonder if I did something to offend her…  Should I be apologizing for something? She’s a great lady, with lots to offer in a relationship, but again, the cute ones always seem to look for the bad scenarios…  Thinking of which, I’m sure that I could be considered a bad scenario.  It is Tuesday, and with the frequency of her working on her computer, I would imagine that she has seen the email, which would also mean that she is ignoring the response.  I suppose that it would sufficeth to say, “Oh well.”  We’ll see where that relationship goes…  I don’t see me mingling much with her group of friends…  I’m not all about the drinking scene.  Go figure.  It’d be nice if people would address why they do the things that they do.
3. Virgin Mary.
   1. Yep, I bet that’s a true one.  Good for her.  So I’ve made many mistakes.  It makes me wonder if I can change my heart enough that I would be able to be worthy of someone who has chosen to save themselves for their husband.  Would I be able to be strong enough?  That’s the toughest part.  Mary seems like a cool gal, but I don’t really know what more to make of her.  Seems that she has developed a slight case of bitterness towards guys in general since things went not so well with David. It’d be nice to get to know her, but I really don’t know where to start that one. Besides, it sounds like she is interested in leaving Juneau for good just to get back to her home land so that she can have the good feelings again. I don’t blame her since she’s contemplating a Mission. That’s awesome.  I wonder if I could meet the specs to attract a return missionary.  How the heck do I change my heart that much!  I can only do it with Christ. I like that, but it can be a hard thing to release the control that I have.
4. Spanish Class
   1. Hmm, that was an interesting evening…  I will have to thank her for her honesty and the willingness to chat with me.  I don’t really get much of a chance to share those frustrations with anyone.  Seems like most are biased in some way or another. It was nice to try to share the fact that I’ve found things within the language, that really are attractive, and that are great commodities. I only hope that the reaction will be mature, rather than some sort of disappearing act.   That’d suck.  Also about that, how do you bridge the culture differences?  The different peers, the desires out of life, and the fact that they have desires to be places that are warm. What to do, what to do.  Lunch will be good tomorrow.  I wonder what’s to eat.
5. Japanese Gardens
   1. I here there are deep meanings to those things.  Very contemplative, and very serene.  I see a lot of those same qualities in this one.  Answers come quickly and are clear, however, in the amreican version, the ground seems to be muddled, and so the seeds have difficulties pushing through the challenges of the local soil.

I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen.  I don’t know that she is the one though.  I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers?  What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.

It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship.  I wonder why that is.  I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete.  Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.

And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that?  What am I looking for?  What the heck do I think I will find.

The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself?  If I say that I do, do my actions back it up?  Does my girlfriend desire to change herself?  Do I facilitate that situation?  So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.

I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen.  She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community.  I’m not even in the aquatic field!  I work with computers! Grr.

So I’ve punched away and come up with a  couple pages of comments.  It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.

I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.

Good night,
-Cody Bennett

I love people.

I know that people are weird, but life is good.

I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.

Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.

There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.

I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.

I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.

SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!

To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.

Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:

1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.

I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.

This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!

All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.

In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.

No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.

My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.

This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.

At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.

I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.

I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.

I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.

I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.

My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.

My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.

originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…

Okay, so another day down. Work at the helpdesk was good, nothing unique to report other than my training of Holly. It was good, though I like training when contacts are coming in.

Another good thing was that we talked about our interlude. I suppose we were both aware that it might be awkward working together. I found that she wasn’t upset with me, and that is good. Right now the air is cleared. We’ll see what happens. Adriana backed out of climbing at the rock dump… that was lame. In retrospect, I gave her a real hard time about that. I want to do that less (give hard times.) Perhaps we’ll go soon. I think Friday is the planned time.

Tyson gets back tomorrow. Oh my gosh. It’s been 2 years already! Yikes. I wonder what he will think about my activity level. I hope he is graceful about it. I’d guess he would.

Helen paged me today, just a little note/msg to let me know that she loves me. I wonder what love means.

I still might go to fairbanks in a couple of weeks. I’m waiting for a guy at statewide to get back to me about it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow.

I talked with Eric for a while today about the housing arrangement… It seemed to go well, but we’ll see what happens with Amanda. I wish there was some easy way to accomplish everyone’s desires. Likely not, but it’d be kinda neat.

Tomorrow there is a Pohl BP here. I need to use some time to clean, and maybe do some dishes too.

Oh today I found out that I have female sperm. I guess all guys have it, but needless to say, I was a bit surprised.

Well, I’ve still got some reading.

Night!
-Cody

January 27, 2002

From the Gray Journal

Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.

My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.

Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.

Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.

It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.

Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…

Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.

Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.

Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.

-Cody

Alright, this is another method for relaying what I am thinking. I don’t exactly know right now, so I think this will likely be a forum to express some of what I have been feeling recently. Well, we will see how it turns out.

I wonder where Jaime is… I hope that she isn’t getting herself into too much trouble. One can only handle so much. I would like to talk to her when I get back, but I don’t know if I will have the time as it will be somewhat late at that point (as it is already 1:20 in the morning) Okay, so what do I have going on in my head?

This was an absolutely amazing weekend. I don’t think I have spent a better time with closer friends. I was able to see Tommy, Dan, Corey, Jeff, and then Helen. This was amazing. I liked the spontanaety, I liked the atmosphere. I loved the time with Helen, that was the best part by far. There is so much that I would like to have, yet so much that I have jeapordized. I think it was great getting to know Jaime and Reesie, and that they will likely give their blessing to me to be with Helen. I know that I am a good Man to be in a relationship with. I know that I will constantly improve myself, because I am committed to the process of changing lives. I don’t know what it was about my physical actions, why I screwed around, why I couldn’t be stronger.
Perhaps it was because I wasn’t strong enough. If that is the case, why am I not strong enough? What gives?

Two days ago I was on a chat line and gave ‘cyberhead’ to some girl, now I’m catching hell. Everybody seemed to think that I was so innocent yet they had no idea what I am really like. My ‘chatting’ caught them off guard and surprised them so now they give me a hard time about it. Recently Mara & Chester’s relationship has gone to hell, Mara’s depressed – she loves him deeply and he says to go away & leave him alone. The catch is he still loves her. & is being a real asshole about it. He thinks that it would be better for her if they split up. Both she & I think otherwise. Me, now, am worried about Mara & what will become of her – but no progress is being made towards my ‘love’?, Crystal. Also today I met with Larry & he gave me a run through on my procedure tomorrow. I will try to get together with him right after lunch, then I will do my first set of standards, solutions, and expiraments. Candace is almost taking my advice to stay away from Beamer. I said almost because today he received an email message from her. Over the chat line I met a 24 yr old in South Africa. She has been giving me advice on life in general. She is amazed at the fact that I’ve never made out with anyone. She seems to be a great person. She goes as Venus over chat but told me her email address so that I may question her that way. Unfortunately whenever we talk that she never asks questions unless they clarify more about me, it seems so 1-sided. I sometimes feel uncomfortable about that but I’m glad I found someone that I feel confortable talking to about these subjects —