Heather & I walked to her house today, and had a lovely chat along the way. During the conversation, she mentioned that I am the most important person in her life. I’m not sure if I mis-heard it, but nonetheless, whether those were the exact words or not, that was the gist. I realized with my darkness and the fact that I have been having sex with other women behind her back, the pain she stands to experience is immense. It’s terrifying to me that I might inflict that kind of pain on another… and yet, when I think about it, if Heather were to drop that kind of message or situation on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt… I don’t know if it’s cause I have the ability to confine things to different parts of my brain or whatnot.
That got me to thinking… why am I not vulnerable? What is it about vulnerability that scares me? I have multiple cars, multiple computers, bikes, women I sleep with… the list goes on I’m sure. But really the summary question is simply: why? is it because I grew up in a home that didn’t have much in the way of things that I could enjoy without fear of losing it? Is it somehow related to the fact that my father abandoned me, even unknowingly because of his choices for other things before choices for a family? Is it because I find myself unwilling because I want o be SEEN as strong by other people?
Why do I desire to be in control? to understand? what is it about that control and that sense of clarity that helps me?
I’m not sure if this will be continued another time, but it’s something to ponder on.
I’m getting up early in the morning to attend Heather’s exam/xray review at Dr. Shepro’s. Then I have a morning meeting with Penny about being a second shooter… then I head downtown to connect with Mischelle and her cohorts working to coordinate the 50th anniversary party… then, who knows.
g’nite. vulnerable one…
Listened through Genesis 13, though I’m not sure the value I get to listening to the story, vs reading and looking at the footnotes, etc.
Bringing in the new year was good.
Sledding excitement was had, and the Wildes, Coopers, Miles, Curtis, Heather & myself had a generally cold, but good time. I guess that Heather said she had heard Bill say that it was -9 degrees outside. Brrr…
Gorgeous night though, with the stars and all, and surprisingly my camera worked pretty well. I think my favorite shot was of Paxton flying through the air on his sled.
Pre-sledding, I stopped by Tommy’s place to say hi. Pat, Gabe, Alan (palmer), of course tommy, and a guy named corey were there. Pretty low key. We played a bit of RockBand on the Wii, which was much hilarity because I really don’t have much skill with drumming despite my interest in tapping along sometimes.
Post-sledding, Heather & I took to watching a movie. In this case it was a particularly bad movie, followed by two other better ones. Started with Weather Man (with Nicholas Cage) and frankly, it really sucked. We watched the preview after the feature and realized we had been duped. It was a downer movie sold by a exciting trailer. Next we watched the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and it was cool to see some of the special effects come to life. Also, as I understand it, CS Lewis who wrote the narnia series had placed an immense amount of christianity in the sub-text. I’m pretty sure it’s there, but it’s definitely SUBtext. Aslan is presumed to be God, but I’m not really sure of any other details.
Lastly we watched Pursuit of Happyness in an effort to stay up for the Sunrise (at 8:45). The last thing I recall was looking at the clock at around 6:30, and thinking that Heather had better wake me up in order to go see any sunrise together. 🙂
Today is a new day, a new year, and absolutely beautiful outside. Heather had departed the couch and is upstairs sleeping. Me, I ponder my 2009 and wonder what it has in store.
As I was booting my computer to write this, I was thinking that of all the blessings I could receive in 2009, the ability to live beyond my fears would be the one thing that would make the most impact. It would mean committing to Heather, Being willing to be active with my business, it means the most for the most significant parts of my life… My relational and financial future.
—
And a moment from that comment I found myself downloading the Genesis book in an effort to read the bible in a year.
Bible in a year
At least one book per month
faithful to heather
willingness to open my mouth or make a call
—
woah, i’m off surfing the web and I find myself nearly out of battery. I guess it’s time to sign off for now with intent to check in again sometime soon. Perhaps I’ll go do some reading, and after that, snuggle in with Heather. A great way to start a new year.
It has been a good day.
It started by staying up way late last night and setting up the Juneau Life profiles all over the web. I awoke this morning with heather arriving around 10 am. I laid in bed a bit longer while we chatted about miscellany… Finally around 11am, we got up and moving. She cooked a lovely breakfast of banana-macadamia pancakes, eggs & bacon, and I tried to finish the final wrappings I had yet to do. Next we had some food around noon, and when finished, I jumped back to business with submitting a contest entry for the All Day I Dream About Photography blog, for a year’s subscription to Smugmug. I guess I’m one of 3 submitters, so we’ll see how I do against the competition. Here’s the full-resolution link, if you like.
We’ll also see if I can insert a smaller version in the blog entry to try to make things a bit more flashy:
Christmas Collage (Entry for ADIDAP)
So, theoretically, that image will take you to the jumbo version, but really, I don’t know for sure.
On with the day.
Next Heather & I picked up Shane and headed out to Mom’s house for dinner. She had cooked up a storm and had all the fixin’s. It was good. At some point through the night, Shane decided to get feisty with mom about a gun he left behind, and I stepped in and told him to drop the issue; I think he was upset about something prior and, it seemed he might have been disappointed by the gifts he received when compared to the items my mom got. We eventually gave shane a ride home and then went to see Seven Pounds with Will Smith; a very heavy show.
While I’m in that neck of the woods, I’ll see if I can articulate some of the items I received (and gave):
For me:
- two dress shirts, one had a matching tie
- dress pants
- pocket wizard plus (though it may require a return or a purchase of a second one to make it a useful tool for off-camera flash.
- a carhart zippered sweatshirt (though it’s a bit small, so will get a return)
- some tire repair kit pieces to patch bike tires
For other people:
- heather
- crash course dvd
- $1000 of chiropractic care
- custom photo-book of cherished memories
- personalized accents ribbon gift album (for jewelry)
- two (regifted) mugs and hot-cocoa.
- mom
- flat screen monitor
- mark kelley calendar
- crash course dvd
- allman brothers band chronology
- shane
- book on dreams
- earnest collection dvd
- 4 classic rock cds & cd case
- jason
- ribbon gift album (variety style)
- movie viewings (one card, one paid for tonight)
And I got some stuff for other people too, but I don’t really feel like chronicling the list now.
I think heather & i will be sitting down to do something else (or go to sleep early) so we’ll see where that heads, but for now, I’ll be signing off.
nighty, night.
Well, it feels like it’s been a while since I last posted an entry, so I thought tonight would be a good opportunity to do so. It’s Sunday the 21st, and we’ve got a 2-day week at UAS before a break for the holidays.
Photos.
I hope to use the break to get some significant catch up done with my photos. I’ve got a few outlying projects that would be wonderful to get done with (sophie’s wedding, nick’s graduation, javier’s dancing, and bill’s holiday party). For some reason, I’m thinking there might be more too.
IE8b2.
I guess Internet Explorer has a new version available for download and in the other browser, I’m doing that now. I don’t really care for IE much, but I figured that it might be something to look back upon and realize, “oh, I was 28 years old when that product was out… my how things have changed.” Kinda like the way I recall Netscape Mozilla or whatever those first web browsers were called.
Listening.
Tonight Bill did a great webcast on the premise of listening; it’s so rare that we spend the time to actually listen to what is being said in conversation… it seems there are so many distractions that it’s easiest to just pick up “noise” rather than any real meaning or importance.
Car.
Weather has been quite cold lately, and in these cold snaps, my car just doesn’t like it… Right now, the driver’s side shocks/struts are frozen solid which means that every bump I roll over is not buffered at all… As John Pohl put it, it’s like “tobagganing over washboard on saran wrap.” A very potent picture, indeed.
Bonus Checks.
I’m not sure how this will work out, but bonus checks will hence-forth be handled through direct payment with Amway Global. It’s a good thing insomuch as we won’t have to do as much management of volume and the like, but I’m nervous because there is a stipulation indicating that you MUST have 50pv or more in retail client volume BEFORE you can receive a bonus. That will be a painful realization, but at the same time, a very good (and motivating) one.
Core.
I’ve been away from the bandwagon recently, though today felt good insomuch as I got back on the horse, as it were. I listened to a CD earlier today and also read from The Slight Edge. I realize there is more to be done, but I’m glad for the modest progress. Tomorrow will be a better day yet!
Done.
Okay, so my alarm is set for 6:30 tomorrow, so I figure I might as well get some sleep now while I can. I’m glad I wrote, and hope to be back more regularly to reflect upon my day, and heck, it’ll improve my typing skills too! 🙂
G’nite,
-cb
It twas indeed.
Today seemed to go by pretty quick again. Thank the good lord that he energized me to awake prior to my alarm so I could get some quality time into listening to a CD and mentally prepping for the day. I’m looking forward to the same tomorrow.
Work was pretty run-of-the-mill. Heather was out sick, Ward and I held down the fort. He’s got a new iPhone and so is quite jazzed about that.
After work, I had pickup. I guess Jason & family are dealing with some tough times (Josh ingested a bunch of medicine taking him to the hospital, and while there Jason had his wallet/checkbook stolen). We’re in interesting times that we come to these things in daylight, and public service locations like a hospital.
Did a bit more planning for Tday… It looks like the numbers are firming up, and we might have 20 or so coming over for food. It’ll be packed. It’ll be crazy. It’ll be fun. I have a hint of trepidity about the number of people and the amount of room that I have, but we’ll see how it works out. Maybe not everyone will show up at once? ha, yeah right.
Also had a chance to sit down briefly with Bill and chat about client slideshows and how to work on developing clients. I’m really growing in the process of opening my mouth and allowing stuff to come out. I look forward to being a bit stronger with it, but I’m also pleased with where I’m at and headed.
Chatted with Bill Abbott again today about the christmas dinner event. Need to do some price spec’ing over the weekend for him. Not sure how I’ll do it… maybe Dave Gelotte can be of assistance to me… The want to minimize corporate’s expense, but still have the option there for folks who are interested. Should prove to be a fun experience.
alright, i’m gonna lay down to sleep (after checking the alarm and saying a prayer).
thanks for listening, as always.
-cb
Another day done.
Today, my business acumen was a bit on the lessened side of things. Here are some of the highlights of the day:
- awoke early, without an alarm (i like that)
- listened to a cd before work (also good)
- transcribed a bit of a CD (good again)
- went to work (eh… so, so.)
- submitted an order at lunch and called Quixtar/Amway Global to rectify a shipping mistake (no bigs)
- got a call about photographing a corporate dinner (interesting, still have detials to work out)
- thanksgiving day planning (good for me!)
- thanksgiving day invites (mostly for heather, though I appreciate a full house for thanksgiving too)
- chrismartensen.com review (new dvd released today)
And now, i’m pretty much en route to bed.
Heather and I have had some sort of unrestful air between us the past couple of days. I presume that we as a couple are okay, and that she’s simply frustrated with something but not sharing such; I think I could stand to grow in my ability to face OSM (oh stuff moments) and ask her about what’s up, but for now, i’m keeping my head down, and I’m not quite sure why. maybe more progress on that tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, maybe i’ll do some shopping, and hopefully have a better idea of numbers for thanksgiving dinner!
sweet dreams to me!
Not sure what to journal about tonight, so I figure I’ll just start and see where it goes.
Saturday was a good day of getting up early, getting some productive time in and finishing off with some down time with Heather.
I took roughly 1700 shots of the Soul Street Dance group that was in town with Juneau Arts & Humanities Council, so we’ll see where those go. I think my more proud moment of the evening was offering some Rhodiola to the crew prior to their going on stage. Naturally their reviews of the evening were great in spite of various technical problems.
I’m most hopeful that I’ll be getting an email soon of client registration & ordering!
The change of Quixtar/Amway Global has me a bit nervous, but the anxiety is bound to be a positive thing – they’ll be changing over to auto-deposit bonus payment, which means that in order to have a bonus, we have to have at least 50 pv of client volume in the month. Not a big deal on one hand, but it makes client successes that much more valuable.
Today was a laid back sorta day – lots of relaxing, and generally not feeling altogether prodcutive – I watched several episodes of Heroes with Heather, and then attended the webcasts with Bill. Oh how I long to be a double eagle! I seek to be strong, to commit to great things and to achieve them!
It’s thanksgiving week – Turkey Day is on Thursday; Heather and I will spend the time together cooking, and it sounds like Jason will chip in to assist even. Should be a good time.
One nice thing about the week is that it’s only a three day week at work.
I want to develop clients. I want to grow my business. I want to learn to earn support and business from others because of the value of what I offer!
Alright, that’s enough for now. I’m gonna head to sleep so that I can get up and get moving tomorrow morning. I expect that I’ll be waking up before my alarm goes off, and at that, I’ll be getting up and moving even without the added encouragement from the alarm!
g’nite.
Okay, maybe it’s not anger… maybe it’s more of an unrest or frustration that is just beneath the surface of my life…
I think about how all it takes to do great things is to take action (not even good action) in the direction that I want to go, and if I’m consistent with it, I’ll achieve whatever goal I might have.
I sit hear and type while Heather lays town to sleep next to me. It’s a Friday evening, and she’s restless with discomfort of being sick over the past few days, and trying to get some sleep to recharge for the weekend. Her breathing is heavy, thick almost, with congestion. I don’t think I’ve been anything but cross over the past few days, and I can’t really place why. It’s not that I’m upset with her… Perhaps it’s just myself… not being as productive as I would like to be. I feel frustrated by silly little things, like her breathing, and not really understanding what pain exists in my life that contributes to this sliver under my nail.
Midnight, and Bill had another plan tonight. 3 guests, all Oscar’s, I believe. I attended, with suit, with downline, but no new faces. It’s high time to get active, to expose this model to others, to thrive in helping other people achieve their goals – whether it be saving money or doing amazing things in the next few years to revolutionize their entire lives and their families future to come.
Activities for tomorrow are not planned to any degree other than a set activity of watching a cool dance performance in the evening. I want to make some progress with Britteny’s wedding album – 30’ish pages, with a variety of photos. I want to make some progress with Sophie’s photos, just to get them in a final place. I have many photo projects to finish… Time to get some done.
Further, I want to progress my business; calls to downline, offering my assistance, sharing my love, casting a vision of the future in spite of this uncertain economic time. I want to grow my business, making calls to people who have not yet seen the business model – as a goal to sit down and see the model. To grow my clientelle, reaching out to people’s needs – whether that be a superior product or just the benefit of Airline Miles. It’s a matter of reaching out and building relationships. Calling those people I haven’t called yet. Those people who may not yet be close friends. It’s about building others and helping them see the greatness in themselves. It’s about seeing the greatness with me.
Well, it’s midnight, and I’ll be getting up early to pursue some of these lofty plans towards various points of success. Staying true to my dreams will pay off in the end. I will (and am) breaking through those paper walls that exist in my life to find my freedom, prosperity and joy on the other side.
So, increasingly, I am nervous of the reality that something may happen to my stuff. I realize that over the years, I’ve collected a lot of things and that in a moment, it could be all gone. Mostly I’m concerned about breaking stuff or having things stolen while out and away from my house, but I guess someone with light fingers could stop by my residence as well.
As such, I presume that it would be wise to start the process of documenting the items that I have in my ownership.
So I’m back on campus and now there are 55 or so Breadloaf persons running about. It was an exciting morning from the iTeach forum to a brownout that took down most services and the BRC, and then of course all the people needing to connect for printing or email or account stuff.
I’m taking a lunch which I wasn’t sure that I would do. But now that I am, perhaps I’ll only take 30 minutes to eat and then head back to the fires.