June 3, 2004

Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.

I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.

I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.

On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…

I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.

This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.

Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.

So I’m at the 2004 leadership… It was a great evening last night, though the feeling of the evening may not have caught up with me… It’s like I’m watching someone else going to the function. I’d like to have it delve deep into my heart, but I’m not sure that I’m there yet.

I like the fact that I got up early to do my reading today. I think I will receive the reward of positive energy for my choice – I read for 15-20 minutes from ‘The Secret of Success’ and then another 15-20 from Leviticas.

One thing that I haven’t grasped quite yet is the content of the old testament. I found the stories in Genesis and Exodus were great, but then it’s slowed to god telling Moses about what Aaron should be doing… (as in laws of the land.) I’m sure that it’s useful, but I’m not so sure it’s application today. I’m glad that it was of use back in their time, but now, I think I realize that cleanliness is good, though I’d wager, that the sacrifice of animals wouldn’t go over so well. I wonder whether or not this text was available to the people of the day.

I’m listening to Ron talking about Vision – to take 3-4 nights focusing on your vision, and then 3-4 nights in family/relationships…In order to do that, you’ve gotta give up hobbies and TV. Idle time is evil time. People with a vision don’t have time for it to be idle…

The function starts this morning in another hour or so… I’m looking forward to that. I just want it to get deeper and deeper into me. I must go eagle in the next 2-3 months… this stuff has gone on too long, and there must be a way to get out from under it. Give me 3 months to eagle – another 2 for double eagle, and then another month for platinum to come about. I need to go platinum for Bill and Sharon, and for Brad and Leslie. There is much impact that I can provide by simply stepping up and filling the gap. I need to develop a plan of Volume growth, and of width growth, and then define width growth – from then, I need to help others to do that too! 750 pv would be needed for duplication purpose – it’s far better for me to have ten 750 pv folk, than it would be to have a hundred 75 pv folks.

Waking up early, planning my day, and then following through with it is what it will take. I destroyed the barrier to discipline that I had, so I know (though there might be challenge) that I can accomplish things. I will continue to learn from scripture and reading, but here’s the time to put it into action…

Kay, gotta get ready. Word.