Monday, July 23, 2001
Helen,
You simply amaze me. There have been several times that I have been floating after seeing you. The feeling is sublime. I love every thing about it.
Periodically you ask me why I like you… What I think would be a harder question is what is there to not like about you. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you as my girlfriend. Your compassion, heart and love, everything is so incredible. I had no idea what it is like to be excited to be involved with someone, not simply lusting after them.
Okay so thoughts for the day. I was reading out of The Tongue – A Creative Force just now, and I read that we will be held accountable for even the idle words that come out of our mouths.
The thought then occurred to me that I was having idle thoughts. Several times today, I was caught, either by myself or by Eli looking at passing folk. If I allow my thoughts to wonder like some peoples tongue, that could get me into as much trouble as the words (because thoughts
breed words.)
Alright, this is another method for relaying what I am thinking. I
don’t exactly know right now, so I think this will likely be a forum to
express some of what I have been feeling recently. Well, we will see
how it turns out.
I wonder where Jaime is… I hope that she isn’t getting herself into too
much trouble. One can only handle so much. I would like to talk to her
when I get back, but I don’t know if I will have the time as it will be
somewhat late at that point (as it is already 1:20 in the morning)
Okay, so what do I have going on in my head?
Well, this may very well be short lived, but I thought that I would write me a little journal entry since I am waiting for Joseph to give control of the desk to me. Today and yesterday, I have been taking it very easy. I actually have been in bed until 3 pm each day. I didn’t have to start work until 4 so I figure that could work. I know that it would be better for me to get up earlier, but for some reason I rationalize my not getting up. oh well.
Hey there,
How’s it going?
I would love to talk with you. In fact the longer and longer that we do not talk, the more that I feel that we need to talk. It’s kinda strange. Though I usually try to not let my feelings get in the way, I am having a very hard time doing that here. I feel as though things have changed…
Now for something insightful.
I think this will be a description of what I have going on in my head at the moment. It is currently 12:28 so I think that I will just type until 1:15 or so. We’ll see what it turns into. I plan this to be a dialog that I might use to create clarity in thought and perhaps a plan of action for my situation. (Assuming that I find elements that might use change.
I am a 20 Male that has several things going on in my life. I own a Business called Freedom Enterprises. I have two jobs which I work too many hours at even with just around 40 being the current number.
I have girl issues/challenges/concerns that seemingly haunt me. I can’t resolve them and find a point of balance. At least so far.
I will be right back I need to forward the phones to voicemail.
Okay, so I am back.
Now continuing. I have a quasi-relationship with Mika Kearns, who I care a whole lot about, but it doesn’t seem that the feelings are reciprocated in the least. I have the innate ability of calling when she is sleeping, on the phone, or gone. I find that the idea of carrying a pager so that people (like Mika) can get a hold of me is lost in a situation like this. I can leave messages like crazy, write emails, stop by, but yet seemingly nothing ilicits any sort of response. Even when she says that she will page me later (as in when I call her and she is on the other line) I find that it is easier just not to believe her.
So we made love to each other. Wow. I didn’t think that I would have had that pleasure. I am torn at the situation. I would think that it was done out of love and for a learning experience, but I am not sure what to be learning. Nor that it was done out of love. During the course of sex I made the mistake of asking her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. Now that is great and all, but it is rolling around towards two weeks after our last encounter and I haven’t had her contact me once. I however have tried several times. I have written email, called, stopped by, left messages every possible instance. I would think that perhaps she is too busy to get back to me, however I just don’t find that to be the situation. I could be wrong though, I won’t rule that out.
So now I am torn. I have shared so much, I care for her emmensely, I wish nothing but the best for her, and so my predicament is whether or not to continue to even try. Now she said yes to being my girlfriend, but I am lead to believe that is not really the situation. I would think that if that were the situation, I would see her more often, with more positive thoughts associated with her presence as opposed to the current condition.
So then to add to the mess, I have Mindy, who I really care about also, and I would think that she feels the same as well towards me in terms of the caring for each other. So the weird thing to that is Tommy is involved with her. I don’t want to tread on Tommy’s space. I don’t think that would be a very mature thing to do. Tommy always did have a way with women. I find that to be true through and through. I would bank that Mika even has the hots for him. I wonder what I can do to change me. There must be something wrong with me for certainly it
wouldn’t be them.
To make things more interesting, Clarissa likes me also. I must admit that she is very nice and interesting. She has a good heart. I think that in the situation though I am more developed mentally than her and so in terms of a relationship I don’t think that it would be very good
for me.
I’m at work, but I thought that I would start this email at least. How have you been, I’ve been doing not so well. Go figure. So where to start with what’s on my mind. I think that I’ll start with I’m Sorry. For what though is another matter altogether.
Missed yesterday although there wasn’t much to report. Worked on homework & got an invitation to the the light director of the x-mas pagent for Holy Trinity. Today I received the jelly beans I ordered from the Amagift catalog that Bill & Sharon gave me for my 16th B-day. I can’t wait for soccer to start – I’ll enjoy playing and making money 2 more FREE days (free from school) I have to get cracking at my homework, Russian, Algebra 2 proofs, technology bond proposal project and a book literary map due the 8th. (I’ve only read 55 pages so far). It’s a book called Black Arrow by Robert Louis Stevenson, 337 pages total.
I need to work on fixing up my ’78 Volvo 242 GT so that I have a car, unfortunately, I need more money. Got to work on Homework —