Hmm… The strangeness of being me…

So here it is theree days before Family Reunion.  Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.

Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.

1. Big Penguin
   1. I don’t really see that this could go anywhere.  I’m all mormon, and I like that (though I have challenges in my life that would qualify me as not so mormon). She’s catholic, but a cool gal.  What would that do for me?  She has some direction, but different spiritual life, and a nearly cynical outlook on life.  I think it stems from her friendship with JH and KM.  I get the distinct impression that she’s all about having the feel good relationship thing, but I don’t know about her willingness to change as much as relationships (especially with me) would require.
2. Foggy Crystal.
   1. So what the heck…  go from talking almost daily (I think…) to not at all.  It makes me wonder if I did something to offend her…  Should I be apologizing for something? She’s a great lady, with lots to offer in a relationship, but again, the cute ones always seem to look for the bad scenarios…  Thinking of which, I’m sure that I could be considered a bad scenario.  It is Tuesday, and with the frequency of her working on her computer, I would imagine that she has seen the email, which would also mean that she is ignoring the response.  I suppose that it would sufficeth to say, “Oh well.”  We’ll see where that relationship goes…  I don’t see me mingling much with her group of friends…  I’m not all about the drinking scene.  Go figure.  It’d be nice if people would address why they do the things that they do.
3. Virgin Mary.
   1. Yep, I bet that’s a true one.  Good for her.  So I’ve made many mistakes.  It makes me wonder if I can change my heart enough that I would be able to be worthy of someone who has chosen to save themselves for their husband.  Would I be able to be strong enough?  That’s the toughest part.  Mary seems like a cool gal, but I don’t really know what more to make of her.  Seems that she has developed a slight case of bitterness towards guys in general since things went not so well with David. It’d be nice to get to know her, but I really don’t know where to start that one. Besides, it sounds like she is interested in leaving Juneau for good just to get back to her home land so that she can have the good feelings again. I don’t blame her since she’s contemplating a Mission. That’s awesome.  I wonder if I could meet the specs to attract a return missionary.  How the heck do I change my heart that much!  I can only do it with Christ. I like that, but it can be a hard thing to release the control that I have.
4. Spanish Class
   1. Hmm, that was an interesting evening…  I will have to thank her for her honesty and the willingness to chat with me.  I don’t really get much of a chance to share those frustrations with anyone.  Seems like most are biased in some way or another. It was nice to try to share the fact that I’ve found things within the language, that really are attractive, and that are great commodities. I only hope that the reaction will be mature, rather than some sort of disappearing act.   That’d suck.  Also about that, how do you bridge the culture differences?  The different peers, the desires out of life, and the fact that they have desires to be places that are warm. What to do, what to do.  Lunch will be good tomorrow.  I wonder what’s to eat.
5. Japanese Gardens
   1. I here there are deep meanings to those things.  Very contemplative, and very serene.  I see a lot of those same qualities in this one.  Answers come quickly and are clear, however, in the amreican version, the ground seems to be muddled, and so the seeds have difficulties pushing through the challenges of the local soil.

I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen.  I don’t know that she is the one though.  I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers?  What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.

It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship.  I wonder why that is.  I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete.  Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.

And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that?  What am I looking for?  What the heck do I think I will find.

The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself?  If I say that I do, do my actions back it up?  Does my girlfriend desire to change herself?  Do I facilitate that situation?  So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.

I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen.  She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community.  I’m not even in the aquatic field!  I work with computers! Grr.

So I’ve punched away and come up with a  couple pages of comments.  It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.

I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.

Good night,
-Cody Bennett

I need to break cycles in kids so that they don’t end up making choices like myself and most of my peers.  Premarital sex, damaging; pornography, heinous; fear, unnecessary; Spiritual life, imperative.  There are so many people that could be helped if only they had broken the cycles ahead of the time that they were gripping.  (they were damaging the whole time.)

1. Eric Peterson: Child molester. Great guy, but allowed for his appetites to cross lines that took him into the unlawful and dangerous.

2. Cody Bennett: look at what he’s got, potential excommunication, premarital sex, struggling inside to do what is right, masturbation as a vice, uncertain of direction, others demanding immediate response to the situations that he has led him into.

3. Helen Imamura: Spiritual blessings withheld because of involvement with Cody. Church membership likely set off because of actions.  Frustrations.  Fighting the world to stick with what she wants, even if it isn’t the best thing for her.  Associations from friends that are damaging and bad examples.

4. Adriana Rodriguez: from an alcoholic family.  Living with boyfriend even with the relationship on the rocks.  Wants what is right, but stuck with what is convenient (housing situations, boyfriends, etc.)

5. Sahra Clark: Emotionally Unsupportive husband.  He’s out late partying, she’s several months pregnant.

6. Mika/Jason Morford: Great folk, but willing to focus on the problem and not the solution.

Hey: Willing to focus on the problem and not on the solution!  What have I been doing!???

Okay off to bed for now.  We’ll continue this more in the future.

-cb; 4.1.03

January 27, 2002

From the Gray Journal

Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.

My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.

Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.

Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.

It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.

Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…

Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.

Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.

Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.

-Cody

Alright, this is another method for relaying what I am thinking. I don’t exactly know right now, so I think this will likely be a forum to express some of what I have been feeling recently. Well, we will see how it turns out.

I wonder where Jaime is… I hope that she isn’t getting herself into too much trouble. One can only handle so much. I would like to talk to her when I get back, but I don’t know if I will have the time as it will be somewhat late at that point (as it is already 1:20 in the morning) Okay, so what do I have going on in my head?

This was an absolutely amazing weekend. I don’t think I have spent a better time with closer friends. I was able to see Tommy, Dan, Corey, Jeff, and then Helen. This was amazing. I liked the spontanaety, I liked the atmosphere. I loved the time with Helen, that was the best part by far. There is so much that I would like to have, yet so much that I have jeapordized. I think it was great getting to know Jaime and Reesie, and that they will likely give their blessing to me to be with Helen. I know that I am a good Man to be in a relationship with. I know that I will constantly improve myself, because I am committed to the process of changing lives. I don’t know what it was about my physical actions, why I screwed around, why I couldn’t be stronger.
Perhaps it was because I wasn’t strong enough. If that is the case, why am I not strong enough? What gives?

June 21, 2000
From the gray journal.

This is the beginning of a beautiful thing. this summer will be one of a life time & thus I wanted to notate it as much as possible. I have several things that I need to write about before I started this collection of experiences. I think it would be prudent to speak of myself, my perspectives, my relationships, my mentalities & my actions so you have a clue of what was going on around this time.

Okay, so I am 19 what else? Currently I am working for Gray Line of Alaska and Best Western. At grayline I am doing biking and walking tours as well as abaggaged duty from time to time. I’m making $8 an hour & then getting tips as well. With 40+ (40-45) hrs/wk its full time but with the hourly so low, I ent to find more cash with Best Western. With them, I am the van driver, they have ten hr shifts so definitely OT hours but beyond that, there is good tip $.

There have been a lot of new people that I have met this summer also, quite a few of them LDS as well, I will include some pictures in this collection for posterity so you’ll have to hold out until then.

Before I forget, the following is a list of things I need to write about soon in this book. They are:

* Mendenhall Lake Hoosh (a wednesday night)
* East Glacier Trail (Bushwhacking & Losing Joe)
* West Glacier Trail (to the face in the wet)
* Windfall Lake Trail (the cabin boardwalk paradise)
* Herbert Glacier Trail (Animals & darkness)

For now though, I will continue with the stuff about me. More specifically the girl realm with me. Some day I willl look back at all of this and laugh. Seemingly each day I become more experienced when it comes to physical interaction with women. I don’t think I can come much closer to intercourse w/out having sex. It is my decision that I am at the apex of what I will experience before marriage. In terms of liking girls I definitely do let me give a break down of who I like & what is and will happen with them. Mika I have admitted that I love her, knowing myself that my love is an unexplained admiration of her qualities. She is currently dating Spencer Wood, but if I didn’t know that from conversation it would be hard if not impossible to tell so. Girls I like or would enjoy dating or courting are Heidi, Annie, Caroline and maybe Serenity Franklin (once she gets considerably older.)

===

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The post ends there, but I thought I’d note some reflections of my comments from 2000. I frequently spell definitely as “definately”, Girls are still a bit confusing, and I’m often distracted easily. I changed jobs to UAS IT Services… And speaking of which, I’m at work, so I’d better get back to it (and I’m out of things to comment on.)

Due to the depressive-ness of being alone, I plan to list out what I want in a partner.

What I Want in a Partner:

• emotional support
• ability to change over time
• reliability
• responsibility
• honest
• straightforward
• humorus
• imaginative
• intelligent
• willing to improve any flaws
• beautiful
• fun
• loving relationship (love)
• ??

1. will want for life
2. don’t know
3. won’t want when older

Right now, I plan to look into Crystal Novotney, Olivia Lee, Mara Early?. I know Crystal knows how I feel about her. She is committed to Andy. I think I should move on. Olivia is fun to be around & craves a lot of the things I do:

• someone to hold
• a relationship
• (me) –> sexual based (not sex), making out and so forth
• someone to be held by

I admire Crystal because of her looks, moods (happy, sad, confused), almost a blonde approach to life, honesty, pity (she lost virginity before 16), smart (not really academically), quick witted, fun, emotional. I admire Olivia for her intelligence, resposibility, quietness, openness, honesty, and the fact we’re both interested in the same things (see previous). I like Mara for her commitment to what she has her mind set on, her playfullness, honesty, and friendlyness. I’ll try Olivia, see if I can at least get her to go out with me. I’d like to make out with someone to learn what it’s like although breaking maybe more troubles than its worth. Life can be fun, it can also be a pain, it’s up to the liver to determine what the quality of life will be. I think it was last thursday, I talked to crystal – we covered the fact that I love her, the realm of religion, and smaller items which I can’t recall. She invited me to go to church w/her I am kind of kicking myself that I didn’t take her up on her offer it may of provided a door to her life. It definitely would have been cool seeing where she was coming from. Maybe I’ll look into it when I have a g-friend so that I can go to learn instead of going ’cause of love or an attempt to get into her heart. Unfortunately from what I have heard, she is set into her ways. (not something I want) I will work on finding someone that meets the criteria listed earlier in this entry. Recetnly I got into chatting on the internet c-sex can be fun and exciting and chat can be a way to find answers and sometimes give answers. Both of which I’m working on. Got to hit the hay… later — Today we had superbowl XXXI – Green bay packers vs. New England Patriots the score = 21-35 green bay —

Two days ago I was on a chat line and gave ‘cyberhead’ to some girl, now I’m catching hell. Everybody seemed to think that I was so innocent yet they had no idea what I am really like. My ‘chatting’ caught them off guard and surprised them so now they give me a hard time about it. Recently Mara & Chester’s relationship has gone to hell, Mara’s depressed – she loves him deeply and he says to go away & leave him alone. The catch is he still loves her. & is being a real asshole about it. He thinks that it would be better for her if they split up. Both she & I think otherwise. Me, now, am worried about Mara & what will become of her – but no progress is being made towards my ‘love’?, Crystal. Also today I met with Larry & he gave me a run through on my procedure tomorrow. I will try to get together with him right after lunch, then I will do my first set of standards, solutions, and expiraments. Candace is almost taking my advice to stay away from Beamer. I said almost because today he received an email message from her. Over the chat line I met a 24 yr old in South Africa. She has been giving me advice on life in general. She is amazed at the fact that I’ve never made out with anyone. She seems to be a great person. She goes as Venus over chat but told me her email address so that I may question her that way. Unfortunately whenever we talk that she never asks questions unless they clarify more about me, it seems so 1-sided. I sometimes feel uncomfortable about that but I’m glad I found someone that I feel confortable talking to about these subjects —

I had to find a ride to and from school today as a result from the tiff yesterday. Today was a decent day anyway. It seems that Raliegh, for the most part is recovering from Lisa and even though both Mara and Chester were depressed this morning, they are back together now. I suppose one of the cooler things this weekend are that I have my first practive. Another cool thing is that although when you add it all up, I have lots. I don’t seem to have much difficult (or much) homework.  At this point, I’d like to get into Phoenix Sunday unless my practice tomorrow is at Marie Drake.

Just got done fighting with my mom about going to a board plan of Chris’! Apparently I perceived, said, & understood everything wrong so she’s mad, well “upset” that I am forcing her to go. Originally she said that she didn’t want to go because shane would then have to stay home alone which she didn’t like the idea of, but I kept on and suggested that I stay home with Shane while she go alone. Next she argues that I should go just as much as her. That was that. Now she refuses to not go, but going with her attitude would be counter producttive in my opinion. Off of that subject, I’ve been sick for awhile but yesterday I threw up at the Laundry & Shower place before schoo. I went to school anyway, even though I had the option of staying home which I turend down. Today I’m feeling a lot better, but my nose is still stuffy. During project period Eli drove us out to Auke Bay Labs & we got a tour and some advice from Larry Holland, our sci fair proj helper as a direct result from that meeting now we have 50 grams or 500 grams of L-ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C) and the knowledge that using fruits in our expiraments would involve using a 100K & up work of equipment (a bad idea) so he showed us some other options. Also in the past 3 days, I have had 3 people ask for advice on what to do about relationships. The first one was Raliegh Morris & Lisa Mitchell; by today it fell apart. The second was Candice Seils & Nathan Harris. She found out that he might go out with her later on just not right now. The third was between Mara Early & Chester Carson. I’m not sure of the outcome as of yet, but after their talk after lunch he was in a bad mood. As for my relationships, I’m much better at being a friedn. Yesterday I found out what soccer team I’ll be on – an extremely crappy one aside from three other kids including Mike Jackson, Miles something-or-other, Andrew Lawrence and myself. It will be more enjoable to ref at this point. My big project that is due beyond semester isn’t yet done. Other than that, I’m doing fine… Academically that is. —

Our schedule at school today was lame. It took the longest time to reach lunch today. Luckily that time was productive. Eli & I have scheduled an appointment with him on thursday (him being Larry Holland) to help us with our Orange Project. So far he’s a cool guy. We had a sub in math today. His name is Sammy Sims. He wouldn’t let us sit on desks, wear hats, or be tardy or leave. The weird thing is that he was awesome!

I’m still squandering with my 2 large, make that 3 large projects: Russian Home Page, Technology Proposal for Phoenix and the Science Fair Project. We wen’t to a meeting today w/Bill & he covered a lot of the things we’ve already heard, not what we assumed we’d be doing.

On a sour note my mom’s being an ass about the business. Automatically she assumes that I dislike her partnership just be cause I’m tentative about the options which are unknown to me at this point. That’s what we though we would cover in today’s meeting.

Crystal didn’t get her luggage.