Well, it is January first and today has been a good one. Last night I went to bed early (3:00 am) so that I could get up this morning and do some serious thinking on my mission & values. It was a good time.

I followed the PlanPlus tools through the process of creating a mission statement and a mission journey and a value statement, and then went to brunch at Mi Casa to look over my notes and have some quiet time eating food. It turned out that I was easily distracted from my efforts because of the next booth’s comments. It seemed that two older women were talking about the implications of alcohol in youth today, and not in a “that’s not so good” perspective either – they were talking about how their alcohol habits had been strong, but they were able to stay out of bad situations like date rape, and that girls these days (as well as boys) to some extent are at fault for the challenges that they both endure. It was interesting to overhear.

After brunch, I came back home to find that someone had purchased the WMP-11 (wireless equipt.) through ebay, so I got that packaged and dropped in the mail, stopped by Tommy’s to give him his gift of Wild at Heart and The Dream Giver, and then came home for a nap. After the nap, I listened to Brad Duncan’s Leadership talk while looking through dream photo cutouts in my binders.

Next, onto reading.

I plan to read the entirety of the bible this year, so I’ll be making notes as I go. Today’s reading will be Gen 1-2, & Matthew 1.

Also, I read Chapter 5 of Travelling Light – it talked about getting rest as part of life to be more productive.

Finally, I read the first (of 40) day/chapter of The Purpose Driven Life. It talked about how my purpose is not so much mine, as it is God’s, bestowed to me. He has already created it, and it is up to me to have it revealed to me, and then to apply it.

Verse to remember: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (Msg)

June 30, 2004

Yikes, it’s been a while since I last posted.

Yup, Helen and I are still broken up.

Breadloaf is on campus, so that means lots of hikes (I have 3 planned this weekend).

Heather Eastaugh and I got a bit closer than I would have liked to (we kissed) after an evening of chatting. My feeling is that she’s been through lots of trauma, and though I suppose I’m willing to be a friend, I don’t want to wind up dating someone with those kinds of challenges (sexual/physical/emotional abuse.)

Helen and I need to figure out how to be apart. She’s looking for support from me, though I can’t really offer it because we’re supposed to be broken up. There’s still a middle ground available somewhere I hope. I guess it could all be resolved with a “I just can’t see you any longer, let’s take a break” talk…

I just had my Festiva’s muffler fixed yesterday. It’s all nice and quiet now. I like it.

That’s all I really have for the moment. I’ll try to do these more often.

June 6, 2004
I think it’s more like the 5th since I haven’t yet gone to bed for the night, so that might be another consecutive day… If so, cool! (the other possibility is that the other entries were also in the same late night setting so they were actually tracked as the following day…)

Anyhow, during the last entry, I was thinking that a technique that Amanda Sauro used when doing her weblog. She had different categories that she put down and then spoke to each of them with the recap of the day. She had: First Things First, Sleep Log (just when she woke up and went to bed), Humor, Struggle, Beauty, Kindness, Classes, and Goals for Tomorrow. If I recall correctly, she got the idea from watching Oprah. Even stranger, Oprah is not spelled incorrectly according to MS word – I guess if you’re a TV personality, you can have your name added to spell checkers! Neat!

Alright, so back on track now… I was thinking of instituting a similar process, but in my thinking, I was considering changing it slightly to help me develop as a person. It might be good to have sections like: Something New (learning), Something Old (application), Something Neat (daily story?), Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual), Something Physical (what activity did I do?) Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?), Something Relationship (notes from my relationships), Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

It seems like a longer list than I thought it would be, but lets see what it would look like (I’ll include Amanda’s/Oprah’s list as well…) Here goes!

First Things First

I like the effect of Journaling – It’s a nice way to reflect on my day.

Sleep Log

Um, got up at noon (was up till 5 or 6 am yesterday so I only got 6 hours of sleep.) Planning to go to bed right after this – it’s 2:36 AM right now. I did get to take a nap this evening, but I have no clue how long it was.

Humor

John and I were talking about the potential skits associated with winning the Home Incentive Promotions – Like doing parody songs or movie scenes… That was entertaining to put a cleaning twist on songs like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice…

Struggle

Communicating my interest level clearly without hurting others (in reference to the relationship I have with Helen. We went to Costco today, and I just didn’t have a hang out be social type aura to me.)

Beauty

Hmm… I don’t think I recall anything right off… I guess I did see a nifty little mazda mx8 or something like that – a little red sports car for broke people I’d guess.

Kindness

I was nice to take Helen to the Post Office and to the Bank before going to Costco.

Classes

I don’t really have any, though I was thinking of approaching the homework that is associated with the PADM class that I took over the summer. I also need to review that homework.

Goals for Tomorrow

Attend my little Brother’s graduation. And be nice with the family – even if it leads to dinner or other activities.

Something New (learned)

Goofed around looking at the registry of my computer and found some neat spots – though I only disabled some startup services and removed some registry entries for startup items.

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Hmm… Dunno.

Something Neat (daily story?)

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

Ack, having too many items really leads me to not want to write any more… I guess I’m already 2 pages in almost so I’ll just call it good at that. It’s 2:44 am now. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 am.

G’night!

I think it’s more like the 5th since I haven’t yet gone to bed for the night, so that might be another consecutive day… If so, cool! (the other possibility is that the other entries were also in the same late night setting so they were actually tracked as the following day…)

Anyhow, during the last entry, I was thinking that a technique that Amanda Sauro used when doing her weblog. She had different categories that she put down and then spoke to each of them with the recap of the day. She had: First Things First, Sleep Log (just when she woke up and went to bed), Humor, Struggle, Beauty, Kindness, Classes, and Goals for Tomorrow. If I recall correctly, she got the idea from watching Oprah. Even stranger, Oprah is not spelled incorrectly according to MS word – I guess if you’re a TV personality, you can have your name added to spell checkers! Neat!

Alright, so back on track now… I was thinking of instituting a similar process, but in my thinking, I was considering changing it slightly to help me develop as a person. It might be good to have sections like: Something New (learning), Something Old (application), Something Neat (daily story?), Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual), Something Physical (what activity did I do?) Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?), Something Relationship (notes from my relationships), Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

It seems like a longer list than I thought it would be, but lets see what it would look like (I’ll include Amanda’s/Oprah’s list as well…) Here goes!
First Things First
I like the effect of Journaling – It’s a nice way to reflect on my day.
Sleep Log
Um, got up at noon (was up till 5 or 6 am yesterday so I only got 6 hours of sleep.) Planning to go to bed right after this – it’s 2:36 AM right now. I did get to take a nap this evening, but I have no clue how long it was.
Humor
John and I were talking about the potential skits associated with winning the Home Incentive Promotions – Like doing parody songs or movie scenes… That was entertaining to put a cleaning twist on songs like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice…
Struggle
Communicating my interest level clearly without hurting others (in reference to the relationship I have with Helen. We went to Costco today, and I just didn’t have a hang out be social type aura to me.)
Beauty
Hmm… I don’t think I recall anything right off… I guess I did see a nifty little mazda mx8 or something like that – a little red sports car for broke people I’d guess.
Kindness
I was nice to take Helen to the Post Office and to the Bank before going to Costco.
Classes
I don’t really have any, though I was thinking of approaching the homework that is associated with the PADM class that I took over the summer. I also need to review that homework.
Goals for Tomorrow
Attend my little Brother’s graduation. And be nice with the family – even if it leads to dinner or other activities.
Something New (learned)
Goofed around looking at the registry of my computer and found some neat spots – though I only disabled some startup services and removed some registry entries for startup items.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Hmm… Dunno.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

Ack, having too many items really leads me to not want to write any more… I guess I’m already 2 pages in almost so I’ll just call it good at that. It’s 2:44 am now. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 am.

G’night!

April 18, 2004

Hey there, I’m actually over at Bill and Sharon’s place, waiting for the 10-10-10 program overview. I’ve got my binder of stuff and that’s about it… I think this’ll be done in an hour, and then I’ll do some other things… like clean my room. Helen isn’t feeling well presently so she’d like to have me come by (of course).

April 5, 2004

Alright, another day. So I slept in a bit more than I expected, but I still had the chance to get to go to breakfast with Helen – I think it’d be nice if she were a bit more cheery in the morning – I suppose she didn’t get enough sleep last night – though I would bet that it’s more related to attitude.

I am hoping to get a bumped flight today, though it pends having Sharon contact me back before I’m supposed to get on the plane. As it stands, I’m getting into Juneau at 1:40, and then have pickup for Sharon and deposits to handle… I’d like to get bumped, but it means that I’d get into Juneau later this evening or even tomorrow. Ugh.

Sharon gets into Chicago at around 4 pm (1 pm Juneau time. That means that she should be able to get the message and respond before 9 am, right? I hope so.

April 4, 2004

The Sunday night after leadership in Spokane, and here I am studying and writing this to myself. It was great to see Tommy and give some guidance/thoughts on his relationship with Hilari – I hope that does him well. As for the relationship for Helen and I, it was a good function for information, now the need it to turn around and apply it. Brad Duncan gave a smashing talk about Marriage as the closing talk – I think it was a way for people to get their oars in the water going the same direction – and as insight for those who aren’t presently married.

I find myself wondering how I am supposed to handle our relationship. On one hand, I see that the things that we endure are completely normal, however, at the same time, it’s as though we act married with our challenges… I suppose it’s better to address them now before married than waiting to tie the knot. I am hoping that I can come to an answer through continued scripture and book study and counsel with Bill and Sharon and whoever else I can have chat with me. I’m nearly through Leviticus right now, but going through the old testament, I’m not sure that I’m receiving what I need (other than the renewed reward of making a choice and then disciplining myself to carry through with it.)

So I’m at the 2004 leadership… It was a great evening last night, though the feeling of the evening may not have caught up with me… It’s like I’m watching someone else going to the function. I’d like to have it delve deep into my heart, but I’m not sure that I’m there yet.

I like the fact that I got up early to do my reading today. I think I will receive the reward of positive energy for my choice – I read for 15-20 minutes from ‘The Secret of Success’ and then another 15-20 from Leviticas.

One thing that I haven’t grasped quite yet is the content of the old testament. I found the stories in Genesis and Exodus were great, but then it’s slowed to god telling Moses about what Aaron should be doing… (as in laws of the land.) I’m sure that it’s useful, but I’m not so sure it’s application today. I’m glad that it was of use back in their time, but now, I think I realize that cleanliness is good, though I’d wager, that the sacrifice of animals wouldn’t go over so well. I wonder whether or not this text was available to the people of the day.

I’m listening to Ron talking about Vision – to take 3-4 nights focusing on your vision, and then 3-4 nights in family/relationships…In order to do that, you’ve gotta give up hobbies and TV. Idle time is evil time. People with a vision don’t have time for it to be idle…

The function starts this morning in another hour or so… I’m looking forward to that. I just want it to get deeper and deeper into me. I must go eagle in the next 2-3 months… this stuff has gone on too long, and there must be a way to get out from under it. Give me 3 months to eagle – another 2 for double eagle, and then another month for platinum to come about. I need to go platinum for Bill and Sharon, and for Brad and Leslie. There is much impact that I can provide by simply stepping up and filling the gap. I need to develop a plan of Volume growth, and of width growth, and then define width growth – from then, I need to help others to do that too! 750 pv would be needed for duplication purpose – it’s far better for me to have ten 750 pv folk, than it would be to have a hundred 75 pv folks.

Waking up early, planning my day, and then following through with it is what it will take. I destroyed the barrier to discipline that I had, so I know (though there might be challenge) that I can accomplish things. I will continue to learn from scripture and reading, but here’s the time to put it into action…

Kay, gotta get ready. Word.

So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.

I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.

Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.

We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.

I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.

— she came back—

hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…

She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.

What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?

I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.

I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.

How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.

Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.

Alright, I’m going to bed now.

3/25/04

Journal entry of some sort
3.15.2004
Lunchtime

So here I am – It’s a Monday, I’m at lunch, and it’s nice cause I can take some time to note whatever I happen to think about.

My first thought while sitting down is that I’m pretty sore. It comes from ultimate yesterday – a practice with the Upsea Daisies… My quads, calves, and ankle are all sore. Oh well. They’ll get better.

It’s cold sitting here. Although I do like the lighting. It’s bright which is always a nice thing (unless trying to sleep.)

I have to go back to work in 20 minutes.

Okay, so finding things to talk about is a bit of a challenge at the moment, but they’re starting to come more easily now.

It’s surprising at what a difference being Russian can do for an appearance – For instance, both Lera and Alyona (Helen) are quite attractive. I’m sure there are many women who would be bombshells if only they dressed the part. It seems that Russian women do.

I’ve been reading more than normal lately. That has been nice. I’m going to try to read each day before I get done with work. This morning I was able to read before my shower out of ‘Communication, Sex, and Money’. It’s interesting that sometimes while reading, I can notice myself being resistant to changing – especially when it means work on my part – as in relationships or habits that I might have. I don’t really know what the cause for the hesitation.

I had the thought yesterday to talk with Toby Coate about his spiritual walk and the like – I like the fact that he seems to live what he says, and plays the part well. There are other people out there who seem to use their lives as a forum to periodically apply the good learning and teachings that happen within church settings, but all-to-many people decide that no one is looking. I’m sure that even I do that to some extent.

My battery life on my laptop sure isn’t what it used to be… it’s surprising how quickly it gets drained – I’m only been unplugged for maybe 55 minutes, but still I’m at the low category something like 16 minutes left!

I need to use the facilities but I think I’m gonna wait for about 5 minutes so that I can go while on my way back to work.

I’d rather go home for the remainder of the day – oh well. Oh, I need to do more finance stuff. Lookie there – Patricia is back online I’ll chat with her a bit before going back to work.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to see her again. It was interesting to have the intense summer fling thing – fun, but unnerving since there wasn’t ever really anything defining about it.

Oh, bout time for me to go back to work. I guess it was nice to type for a few minutes – perhaps with time, I’ll get better at this.

Bye.