Last night, Heather & I had a bit of a rough spot in the communication arena. We haven’t had sex in a few days, and while I know she has been on her period, it seems she may be more interested in sex than I have been.

We were watching Harry Potter #5 last night, and I was feeling playful… biting arms & shoulders, kind of being a nuisance. Heather suggested that we pause the movie but I didn’t really respond. Later, after the movie was over, there was a bit of an explosion where it seems something had been stacking up for a while. Before she left on a 3 hour walk (at 2 am), she asked “why don’t you want me anymore?”

It’s not that. Maybe it’s related to my own self image? Maybe it’s tied to my recollection that for the past few months, we’ve had sex as a no-no. Maybe it’s that I don’t know how to initiate? Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy trying to solve frustrations for Heather that I haven’t been getting my own love-tank filled? Maybe it’s cause I’m not living in the flow? Maybe it’s related to the lack of sleep? Maybe, maybe. The list goes on and on.

So, with her explosion and departure last night, she left. I don’t approve of how she handled it, it seems very childish & selfish, and uncaring. One thought I had to myself shortly after she left (or was it this morning at 5 when I was driving to pick her up?) was: When I am upset or frustrated beyond my wits end, what action can I take to bring repair to the challenge at hand?

Right now, as I think of that question, I realize that storming out of the house in a maddened state is not what I’m looking for. It communicated to me that she was mad at me, and the best resolution was to simply get away. Naturally, I know this may not be the reality of the situation, but with the tone and actions of our exchange last night, it’s easy to reach that conclusion. A more positive direction might be to suggest that while it’s late and we’re obviously going to have the opportunity to talk about sex in our relationship, I’m feeling frustrated, and would prefer to talk about things in the morning after more sleep and a bit more rational thought.

I also realize as I sit and think and type this morning that part of this issue is my fault to begin with. I haven’t been sexing my wife, and while I don’t know exactly what that means for her, and what she would like, part of my role as a generous, understanding, gentle and strong husband is to communicate with her and let her know that I’m thinking of her, and our situation.

It’s funny that I’m at a place where I realize I’ve been wronged, but while I sit here this morning, I’d rather apologize for my shortcomings that led to this wrongful place of conflict.

Kind of a silly title, but it’s why I’m posing again so soon. I find that heather & I are a warm duo in bed. If there’s any challenge to date, it’s that I’m not getting a lot of solid sleep at the moment. 

For some reason, my room has not dipped below 72 degrees in quite a while. I’ve opened doors & windows and set up fans, but still the temperature remains high. 

In the meantime, Heather obviously isn’t as affected by the heat. I wake up in the morning at the edge of the bed (either side, it seems) and her right up next to me. I enjoy snuggling, but it takes a lot for me to be able to sleep with any sort of consistency nowadays. 

Heather is still upstairs sleeping, and I’m downstairs, attempting to cool off, and getting a journal entry in while I’m at it. 

Such is love. 🙂

Yeah, it’s hard to translate a strong lisp from the Princess Bride into a journal subject line.

Let’s fast forward 8 weeks from the last post: I’m married.

Wait, what?

Yeah, that’s right, I’m married.

The proposal went well, and the engagement was a breeze – literally – it went by fast and all we could feel was the burn of not sleeping and a bit of a wind on our faces. I’m married now which is great, but brings complexities to the tune of not being sure where I stand. I have a ring on my finger, and I feel well prepared to be a husband, but there are still nagging elements to marriage that I’m not sure how to handle.

Take for instance my wife’s desire to be rid of her job, and to have me rid of mine. I don’t like working much, well, mostly the alarm portion of the process, and I don’t like my wife answering to another collection of dictators who don’t take into considerations her specialties and capabilities.

I want to be a Double Eagle Ruby, but that pursuit scares me. I don’t have a track record that suggests I know how to do it, I feel hesitance to run out the door and get it done, but yet, there’s a fire underneath wanting to do everything in my power to provide my wife what it is that she wants and needs. There’s the crutch: am I capable, and am I worthy of success?

Maybe part of my issue is a comparison game to those who have gone before me. I don’t see the Bill Wildes & Brad Wolgamotts to be riddled with self doubt and fear of the unknown, because they’ve already overcome those things. I don’t see those guys afraid to be fearful, and yet having the courage to step out on faith and do it.

Faith is a funny thing. It brought me here, to marriage, with no earthly explanation for my pursuit of it. When it all comes down to it, it feels right to be married to heather. I am at peace with it. I guess I’m focusing too much on the details of going ruby, the plans needed, the clients needed, the downline needed, and not just focusing on how right it feels to move forward in that direction helping others achieve their hopes and dreams. It’s taken me a dozen years to get to this place, and I feel less worthy of acheiving big goals because I wasn’t some hot-shot two-percenter guy. I’m a nobody from Juneau, Alaska just hoping to do some thing right — something bigger than myself.

I want to have the means to bless others. My wife, my self, my family, my friends, my community, my world. I need funds to do it, and I’m not sure I understand the steps it requires for me to acheive it. I make things too complicated. When getting married, I was required to check in with trusted friends (“I’m not crazy, am I?”) and then get to moving on it (“will you marry me?”) to excecuting the party (“when? where? how?”). It was one step at a time, with little sleep, moving furiously towards a goal. I made lists, purchased things, put life on hold, and kept running towards the finish line.

With a double-eagle ruby business, I would have the finances to travel at my whim, treat my wife first class, be retired from our dayjobs if we so choose, drive safer cars, enjoy some of the latest technology, and put massive amounts of money into savings to boot.

I recognize that building an amway business is just a matter of turning the numbers. We develop households into shopping units who purchase consistently, and of those, some will self-identify as business builders with greater dreams and aspirations.

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with the process of getting from here to there. In my engagement though, I just held tightly to the feeling of peace in my choice, and the understanding that it would all work itself out by His hand. I guess that’s the case in this instance too. I can sit back and be fearful, or I can press forward in faith. I choose faith, but I’m not sure how. I need a guide to help place my steps in the process. I’m capable of lifting my foot, but not confident in its placement. I need the path.

It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.

So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge.  The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.

Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.

So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.

There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.

I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.

Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂

-me.

I’ve committed to another batch of core. We’ve got a group of winners digging in to do a week at a time to grow themselves, stretch and achieve.

It’s been good to be back on the bandwagon, but the fears are still there and real.

I want to figure out myself to grow past some of those things such as transitioning folks through the pipeline sheet. I may have the ability to grow someone from a name to a prospect, or perhaps even show them the plan in some cases, but often getting things to a deeper involvement of following up and HELPing other people seems to be a slow part. Fortunately, I am a new person through christ. I am a mirror to reflect his power, glory and love. As he wishes, he gets, provided I can learn to put Him first.

Lots of learning yet to be done.

Today, core has consisted of the following:

cds. Listened to the Brad & Julie Duncan Rally 3 times today, and the thing I caught most from it is my likeness to Brad in that I just want to be FREE. I want to sleep in, I want to explore, I want to roll over and kiss my wife, not roll out to work. I want to be solely committed to my wife. I want to be solely committed to my business. I want to breathe life into others through my efforts with my business. I want to be an encourager, an uplifter, a life giver.

books. Additionally, we (as a group) are reading from Created for Excellence. I’m reading out of the first chapter which is speaking specifically towards vision. In the margin, I took some notes that I thought worthy to comment on here. It’s in the area where the book is asking me to write my personal vision. Perhaps writing it here will help me to articulate it so that I can put the answer on the lines and send it back up to Bill rather than being held back through my lack of clarity.

To start with, my strengths to be aware of what I am naturally inclined towards: Belief, Harmony, Deliberative, Analytical, Developer.

* Empower & support dreams of others
* Encourage others
* Overcome adversity
* Bestow love, attention & passion to people I meet.
* Reveal (latent?) inherent greatness within kids and adults alike.
* Men maker
* Discover/uncover/reveal greatness within people
* Master of my own circumstances
* Duncan says, “Blow God’s mind with your response.”
* Hold no bitterness – have grace with all.

The lord is teaching me to move and act before I have all of the answers. As I understand my vision more clearly, I’ll be sure to post again.

Personal Use. vitamins, xs, water, Parmesan, cookies, snackbar, rhodiola, rice, and maybe some more. I ate a salad, fruits & veggies that came from full circle farms or safeway. A pretty good day towards pers. use.

Retail clients. Sharon indicated that the best and most consistent clients are those who find water, twist tubes and xs to be on their shopping list. Ove rthe next few days, I’ll think more on how I can develop clientelle in that category.

counsel. accountability. I had a conversation about an interaction that Bill had earlier in the day with Elly’s girlfriend. She had snuck behind his back to do some laundry after he explicitly explained that it was an expense that she is not paying for and then left. Part of me is completely in agreement that she was in the wrong, but part of me wonders if Bill might be reacting more strongly than necessary. I guess it’s in where you draw the line, but I certainly see both sides, and personally disagree with Molly’s approach.

Voicemail. I’ve kept up with kate today, though I haven’t yet send out a message of my own to bill.

btw, I did pickup too.

premier. listening to CDs, but also initiated the download of nearly 90 more mp3s for adding to my library.

stp. 4 new names, three additional touches. Would like to be more intentional about making touches with an eye towards developing them as business partners.

====

Another topic that I’m fiercely engaged in is the state of the relationship that I hold with Heather. ach day, I think I am closer and closer to asking for her hand in marriage, but I don’t feel comfortable with following through before I clearly articulate my weaknesses and talk openly about what I consider to be some of my darkest secrets. I don’t want to have secrets in the relationship, and in this situation, I want her to be on my side.

I’m trying to re-locate my Fit to be Tied book to re-cover the first portion of the bigger blocks to make sure I’m making a decision with my feet on the ground. rather than just my head in the clouds.

the confusion and obfuscation of what the future holds is becoming less gripping as I reach the conclusion that I will never be beyond uncertainty, but I can choose to make the big decision and then work daily to make those decisions reality.

God extends his power and grace to me, and through Christ, I can do all things.

25 Things by Cody

Feb, 2009

1. I am the chair of the Juneau Big Brothers Big Sisters Board, and I sit on the Statewide board. In these roles, I frequently and profoundly feel “out of my element”. It’s an irrational fear, but nonetheless real as I’m sitting in the room with well established and highly respected community members (read: Directors, Managers, CFO’s, VP’s, & Presidents from some of the largest organizations across the state).

2. Speaking of irrational fears, I don’t dance much because I’m concerned with my appearance through the learning process. I frankly don’t want to feel (well, look) foolish, even though I know that’s part of the learning process. I have the feeling (and others have told me, too) that when I decide to pursue such things, I’ll be quite good. I was building courage to take one of Shane Wirtz’s UAS classes, but then he left and some new person is teaching… Ack! Change!

3. In fourth grade, upon returning to school (after the summer my father died) Rebecca Hall (now Brooks) was the only person to offer her consolations for my loss. I will never forget that. If I think about it much, it’s something that brings tears to my eyes. (Thank you, Rebecca.)

4. Though this is pretty largely known by my friends, I think it says a lot about who I am, have become, and will continue to be. I haven’t consumed alcohol since I was 14. I had a single conversation where I was called out in my lie by a man who didn’t care about the action, but cared about me. It was in that moment that I realized that I was letting alcohol become more important than my relationships even at that age. From my father’s death (cirrhosis of the liver, aka Alcohol Poisoning), I knew the pain that could inflict. Since then, it has never been hard to pass up a drink. (Thank you for your love, Bill.)

5. Again, largely known: I’m compelled to recycle. (Read: I cannot “let it go”, it’s as ingrained as my analytical nature.) Further, I cannot comprehend why someone wouldn’t take the effort to do the same. Interestingly, I think it’s driven by an underlying (and inherent) sense that ALL things are interconnected, and that only through individual action can we impact the world at large.

6. My closest (known) opportunity to die was when I was a wee young lad at a BBBS overnight camping excursion to John Muir Cabin. I was sleeping on the second “floor”/loft and rolled off the edge, in my sleep, landing on my rear. My recollection is that this was nearly a 14′ fall. While I didn’t like the bruised and bloodied flesh wound, it was better than the alternative: one person who was awake saw it happened, and explained that a few inches away from where my head landed was a cast-iron wood-stove corner. I’d rather deal with pain than death, methinks.

7. Ever since the start of this 25-thing craze, I have been secretly wanting someone to tag me, and in the last week, I’ve been tagged three times. I really wanted an excuse to start the list, and even share it with others. I see this list as an opportunity to reflect and note “things” that are significant to me. Subsequently, I intend to archive it for posterity. Likewise, I keep a digital journal that I someday expect to turn to a printed & bound book so that my grandchildren can read about the struggles and victories that I have encountered.

8. My photo and a quote was published in Esquire magazine after someone contacted me via myspace to complete a survey about what it’s like to be a 25-year-old man in America. I spent hours pondering and writing, fully and completely answering their short questionnaire (10 or so questions) about a variety of things. They used only 2 sentences from the question ‘Do you feel like you’ve entered “manhood”?’. The quote? “Most of the truly masculine men I know are also the first to admit their own mistakes and shortcomings. I openly admit that I have a long way to go.”

9. I never had aspirations of being a Photographer. Even now, I find the idea that folks will compensate me for something I love to do to be a pretty cool thing, and I am appreciative that these individuals can bless me for blessing them. Part of me wants to stretch and learn and do more… Who knows where it would go — for the quality of work I do, I believe I could be a highly paid (aka 6 digits/yr) photographer, but part of me really likes the fact that I can leave my camera on the shelf for months on end and it doesn’t stress me out.

10. On the photography theme… Some day, while financially independent, I think it’d be pretty neat to be the right-hand man for a shooter like Joe McNally or Chase Jarvis. The learning curve would be intense, but I think with my ultra-helper personality, it’d be a great fit. If not a right-hand man, I think I’d be plenty satisfied traveling the world over to capture moments to share with others.

11. As a kid, I remember seeing one of those Mall hallway stands where you could look up your name and buy a key chain or some other trinket. My name meant “CUSHION”. I always thought that was pretty lame… a soft thing that you sit on. As I grew up, I realized that if you look at the “cushion” as a “support”, it’s actually a perfect fit. It’s hard to find someone more interested in helping, and not just as the Mr. Fix It (I do that too). I fancy myself as the kind of guy you’d want to have as a friend – loyal to the end, and constantly willing to lend a hand. This means that I’m always a sucker for someone to ask me if I’ll help them move. 🙂

12. I passionately want to view money in the same way that we all look at oxygen. I want to just know that I have enough, and that because of this I can live accordingly by making RIGHT decisions rather than financially prudent ones. I expect to be the friend and family member that others come to when things are tough and the nephew needs braces but the parents can’t afford it. I want to be secure enough financially that it is never a loan, it’s always a gift.

13. I am an intense advocate for living below your means and debt free. This goes so far that at this point (still subject to change), I have no intentions of EVER entering debt, this includes any sort of “healthy debt” or mortgage. I recognize that this means that I may miss “opportunities”, but I am passionate about living in a way as to be responsible to my posterity, and if I am in debt, it means that I have committed future work towards the payoff of that debt. I see this as trying to predict the future, which I cannot yet do. (I do not believe that any job is secure, as the position is always at the discretion of the market/business owner). I do not believe that my ability to perform (make money) is so guaranteed that I would never encounter any type of injury or disablement.

14. On the subject of finances… You can be the most well educated dude or dude-ette from the fanciest school available, and you might just have a doctorate with an IQ twice that of mine, but until you have the RESULTS I want — financially independent with amazing relationships with your family and friends — and a financial interest in my future, I am not going to heed your advice on the topic of money. It amazes me at how many people are willing to take the “good advice” from their cubicle neighbor who is in debt up to their eyeballs. If they have never been there, they’re not a good tour guide to visit the promise land. Find someone who’s gone and come back to help others! 🙂

15. Recently, I have taken to building websites out of frustration. For years I have wanted to have a site that cataloged the eateries in Juneau with some description of the cuisine (if not a menu), and perhaps some comment on the establishment. The fact that many restaurants do not have a website bothers me too. It is entirely possible that I will begin building websites for these establishments so that I can find their menu when I want it.

16. Further, I cannot STAND those sites that were built back in the early days of the Internet but never were updated. I don’t care if it’s ignorance or some other reason, but if your site is still in the dark ages, let me know; my name is Cody, and I’m here to help. I think these sites should immediately be pulled off of the web and replaced with something as simple as a place-holder. In one instance, I’ve entirely rebuilt the site (on my own time, and without his knowledge) in an effort to expose the site owner to something I call “the present”.

17. I’ve always been an entrepreneur as long as I can recall. I’m the guy that sold Beef Jerky from my locker in middle school, and was quite profitable (and popular). Before that, on a smaller scale, it was juicy fruit & pepsi. Since those times, I’ve expanded my product lines, and my profit dramatically. 🙂

18. Despite #17, I don’t fancy myself much of a salesman, or naturally talented with marketing. I think this may be due to my own calculating personality (you generally cannot sell me on something, but if you give me the info, I’ll make up my own mind and I will be a loyal shopper till the cows come home.) This is obviously an Achilles’s heel for me, and I’m working to get better at it.

19. I tend to pretend that my vices are not visible to others, and am terrified that they might just be public knowledge. I have this sneaking sensation that people know, but because it’s an awkward topic to address, they leave me with the space to work on it myself… Part of me appreciates this respectful consideration, but a slightly more masochistic part of me wants to just get things out in the open to deal with it at large. Hmm…

20. Religion has been somewhat of a struggle for me. I’ve always had a strong belief in a higher power, and I know I’m not Him. 😉 I find myself waffling at all of the intricacies of various churches and their tenets. My journey has led me to a point where I seek to accept and understand whatever perspective a person offers rather than casting it off as wrong and different. In that way, many Christian organizations confuse me. I appreciate the perspective that We are spiritual beings trying to be human, rather than human beings trying to be spiritual.

21. At a young age (10? 12?) I was handy enough to crawl under the house to repair pipes that had frozen and split. Unfortunately, the foundation had settled in such a way as to spill some pretty foul stuff. (Don’t make me spell it out, okay?) Partly because of this, and due to the state of repair of the rest of the house, it was decided that we would tear it down and build anew. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an efficient transition and never did happen while I was at home. Most of my teen years were spent with a “bedroom” that was an 20-something foot Airstream travel trailer.

22. My childhood was a great one. I cherish the fact that I had the chance to grow up running around in the woods and feeling safe in our neighborhood. Because of the “out-the-road” location, there weren’t a lot of kids my age, and so I recall spending plenty of quality time with the surrounding neighbors. Rather than playing with other kids, I was learning from the Montour’s how to garden, take care of chickens, tie flies, play chess, and even make a boomerang from scratch. I felt left out that there weren’t other kids my age, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for the world.

23. I tend to be very trusting with my stuff. I’ll hand you $3000 worth of photography equipment just so you can see what it’s like. Then I’ll walk away to do something else. I leave my key in my car and up until recently, right in the ignition (and I still would if it weren’t for that annoying beep). I recognize that the world does have people who will take advantage of me, but I value the approach… so much so, that when I lose something, I just consider that as part of the cost of my trusting. I know I could be more reserved, but I pay for that too, just up front with the concerned behavior.

24. I love to draw people together. I think it is linked to my desire for harmony, but I like to be a catalyst to get groups going. In high school there were dance parties for friends & friends of friends (thanks for the house, Mike!), and now, the Juneau Ultimate scene is something I’m fairly involved in… I find that I don’t really do it for any overt recognition, I just get a kick from seeing other people have a good time together.

25. As my mother can attest, I am an advocate for anti-packrat-ing’ness (if that’s any sort of word) – I am constantly cleaning and purging and asking “is this really something you need?”. That said, and somewhat related to my recycling knack, I am a pretty significant collector of things too. I’ll blame it on Mom, but it may very well be linked to my interest in some type of security (if something breaks, I’ve got a backup.) I love the idea of being a minimalist, but I think until I move residences again with some short time-box, I’ll likely continue collecting stuff with the thought that I might just have a garage (or “free, take-it-away”) sale sometime during the next summer. If you need something, let me know, I might just have an extra.

Starting out on another journey. I have excitement for what lies ahead. Though at the same time, I have a healthy respect for the time & energy it may take… Stephen Covey speaks on starting with the end in mind, so perhaps that is the thing to do here, too. Where do I want to be when this journey has reached its destination?

I think of men like Dave Severn, Brad Wolgamott, and Brad Duncan as examples of men who have developed their spiritual walk in a healthy way… I think the core of the issue links up with the type of man I am daily and without observation. I want who I am in the light to match who I am behind closed doors. I want to experience blessing for…

[just trails off… and at the bottom of the page…]

Q: What does it look like to be a man after God’s own heart?

So I realized tonight while Bill spoke at yet another guest-less board plan by Bill that for some time I’ve had the “Input > Thoughts > Words > Actions > Habits > Character > Destiny > Legacy” thing down for quite some time… I realized that changing my input would have a great impact on my future, but for many years of personal development, I still hadn’t been growing personally in a very meaningful way (at least with regards to building my business. 

Tonight, Bill elaborated on a very unspoken, but important piece of the above sequence – it links back to Tom Miller, but hearing it tonight, it simply “clicked”. 

That signficant piece was that between Input and Thoughts, there is a extremely crucial difference between how someone who is successful (in relationships, finances, spiritual, etc) versus someone who is broken. The significant element is that a person must interpret and decide what the input MEANS!  

It’s so very basic – it doesn’t matter if I’ve been reading the best book ever, if I see my input and view it as something I must do because I am less worthy, I will think I’m lesser, act lesser and eventually fade away into nothingness – if not soon, then with time, as my life ends. 

Successful people use the opportunity between input and thought/action as a chance to decide what they want to do, until which point that they can make that assessment through natural response. It’s all about creating the habit to carry you forward to success. One cup at a time does fill the pool eventually. 

I feel like this peice is a breakthrough for me. I’m excited to see how I interpret things, and how my response ellicits the type of energy, action or thoughts, but this time with an awareness of how I’m naturally making those decisions. 

I think that this, combined with an effort to be REAL, EXCITED, and SIMPLE will enable me to build my business to eagle, double eagle and platinum this year.

Recently I met someone online that immediately seemed to be out for sex.

Though I don’t understand why I was chosen, other than I have a nice profile picture, I feel compelled to reflect on the premise of validation. What am I validated by? Answer that, and it tells a much broader picture of who I am inside. Perhaps not who I am in essence, but what my focus is on presently.

I keep coming back to feeling powerful when women are attracted to me. I feel powerful when I have some semblance of control

[and pause for 2 months…]

It’s now March 9th, and I figure that I might not be planning to finish this post anytime soon. I’ll just post it and call it good. Maybe someday I’ll write another, but then again maybe not. Time will tell.  🙂

[fast forward to July 15th, and I find that it didn’t publish back then… publishing now, and giving it a date of Jan 9.]

Well, I guess it’s actually today… I’m an “Assistant” shooter for a wedding tomorrow; it should prove interesting. She is very sanguin, so our personalities really are a wild dynamic. I want to get the best product possible, and she’s there to have fun. I know she’s been doing this for several years and has experience with marketing herself, but I find myself thinking… woah. 

Anyhow, I’d better get some sleep for the big day tomorrow. The temps are warming (up to 10-15) and just tonight it has snowed at least 10 inches. pretty awesome, I think. I’m REALLY hoping for a snow-day tomorrow!

g’nite.