Yup, today was the first day back of 2009. It was a busy day, and my voice is mostly gone. It makes for an interesting dynamic at the office as I cannot really answer the phone much. 

I left early today in hopes of sleeping and resting and relaxing, but really, I had a short nap, and then I was back at the computer, and other miscellaneous items for the evening. 

Heather and I are working to figure out which dreamnight to go to now that it’s a last-minute ticket purchasing sort of thing. Unfortunately, with less than two weeks before the last one, we’re dealing with just a few options. Through our winnowing tonight, it looks like I’ll be visiting either Las Vegas or Honolulu. Honolulu sounds more exotic, but with 8+ hours of just flight time to get there (and again on the way back), it seems like a weekend of flying punctuated by a brief dreamnight. I guess we’ll see how it all works out. I’d like to see the speakers in HI, but NV seems like the more prudent decision (faster trip, etc). 

Charity & I have continued to email back and forth; we’ll see what kind of information she reveals. At the moment, I feel like I might know a little more about her because of my googling (married before?) But I don’t know if those are topics she’ll share. 

Prints came in for the Goldbelt Holiday party… I want to get some doublesided tape to adhere my business card, but then they’ll be ready to deliver. Unfortunately, the 8×10 print was crushed, even though the envelope says “photos, please don’t bend”, but perhaps english directions are a bit too much for our United States Postal Service. I kinda feel like there’s no route for repair either… Sigh. I’ll send a note to SmugMug tomorrow to see what they might recommend. 

OH, speaking of photography stuff, I bought the 70-200mm VR 2.8 lens today. I’m not sure when it’ll ship, or precisely what it’ll cost, as it was bought via ebay, but we’ll find out when I get a note from the dude, hopefully tomorrow. 1250 base price, plus shipping, so I think I got it at a relatively good price. 

Alright, I’ll go check that one last email chime and then head to bed. 

g’nite.

So, tonight I took a few hundred shots at the Statehood Ball located at the Centennial Hall. It was a great event with wonderful energy, despite most of the audience being of the older generations. It was cool to see that everyone could still move pretty nimbly and have a great time. 

Interesting thought… One person had been married today and was in the audience – what a great way to arrange for your wedding day to be on a date that has some other celebration so you could piggy-back on the decorations, food, and live performances of the day/evening! 

As I think back on my evening, one thing stands out… Charity. She’s a bombshell of a gal who works for Mark Kelley doing some of his business management. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t know how to dance, and so felt awkward, and more comfortable as a wallflower. 

First of all I felt a bit of guilt for seeing her and thinking about how good she looked in the long, red, backless dress. Long brown hair, slender figure, and a great smile. That aside, I thought that it would be nice to learn how to dance with someone who doesn’t feel confident with dancing… I think the challenge that I run into is feeling self conscious of my own dancing with others, and in that, I’d feel less awkward if I knew the other person was more likely to be thinking about their own performance!  

So, as a parting moment, I did tell Charity that she looked great on the dance floor, and gave her my card and suggested that she check out the site in the next couple of days. Who knows if she’ll be in touch, but wow… 

I wish that weren’t the case though. I think about my relationship with Heather and want to be in a place of confidence and security. Do I want to continue to be single for the rest of my life? I could certainly make that choice. “Settling down” now doesn’t have to happen… I get the sense that if I wanted to marry Heather, she’d say yes. That scares me though, I want to feel like I will be a confident and reassuring husband, and if I’m cursed with seeing other women and being drawn towards them, that is no way to continue. 

Tomorrow there is supposed to be fireworks in the valley, for the first time ever. Should be a good show – same people who set off the fireworks for the 4th and there are around $10,000 worth of em too!  I hope to go over to the area and scope out the scene before it gets dark… perhaps even talk to the coordinators. Should be fun. I ought to get a bit of sleep though as I can feel my throat would appreciate it. 🙂

Heather & I walked to her house today, and had a lovely chat along the way. During the conversation, she mentioned that I am the most important person in her life. I’m not sure if I mis-heard it, but nonetheless, whether those were the exact words or not, that was the gist. I realized with my darkness and the fact that I have been having sex with other women behind her back, the pain she stands to experience is immense. It’s terrifying to me that I might inflict that kind of pain on another… and yet, when I think about it, if Heather were to drop that kind of message or situation on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt… I don’t know if it’s cause I have the ability to confine things to different parts of my brain or whatnot. 

That got me to thinking… why am I not vulnerable? What is it about vulnerability that scares me? I have multiple cars, multiple computers, bikes, women I sleep with… the list goes on I’m sure. But really the summary question is simply: why? is it because I grew up in a home that didn’t have much in the way of things that I could enjoy without fear of losing it? Is it somehow related to the fact that my father abandoned me, even unknowingly because of his choices for other things before choices for a family? Is it because I find myself unwilling because I want o be SEEN as strong by other people? 

Why do I desire to be in control? to understand? what is it about that control and that sense of clarity that helps me? 

I’m not sure if this will be continued another time, but it’s something to ponder on. 

I’m getting up early in the morning to attend Heather’s exam/xray review at Dr. Shepro’s. Then I have a morning meeting with Penny about being a second shooter… then I head downtown to connect with Mischelle and her cohorts working to coordinate the 50th anniversary party… then, who knows. 

g’nite. vulnerable one… 

Listened through Genesis 13, though I’m not sure the value I get to listening to the story, vs reading and looking at the footnotes, etc.

Bringing in the new year was good. 

Sledding excitement was had, and the Wildes, Coopers, Miles, Curtis, Heather & myself had a generally cold, but good time. I guess that Heather said she had heard Bill say that it was -9 degrees outside. Brrr…

Gorgeous night though, with the stars and all, and surprisingly my camera worked pretty well. I think my favorite shot was of Paxton flying through the air on his sled. 

Pre-sledding, I stopped by Tommy’s place to say hi. Pat, Gabe, Alan (palmer), of course tommy, and a guy named corey were there. Pretty low key. We played a bit of RockBand on the Wii, which was much hilarity because I really don’t have much skill with drumming despite my interest in tapping along sometimes. 

Post-sledding, Heather & I took to watching a movie. In this case it was a particularly bad movie, followed by two other better ones. Started with Weather Man (with Nicholas Cage) and frankly, it really sucked. We watched the preview after the feature and realized we had been duped. It was a downer movie sold by a exciting trailer. Next we watched the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and it was cool to see some of the special effects come to life. Also, as I understand it, CS Lewis who wrote the narnia series had placed an immense amount of christianity in the sub-text. I’m pretty sure it’s there, but it’s definitely SUBtext. Aslan is presumed to be God, but I’m not really sure of any other details. 

Lastly we watched Pursuit of Happyness in an effort to stay up for the Sunrise (at 8:45). The last thing I recall was looking at the clock at around 6:30, and thinking that Heather had better wake me up in order to go see any sunrise together. 🙂

Today is a new day, a new year, and absolutely beautiful outside. Heather had departed the couch and is upstairs sleeping. Me, I ponder my 2009 and wonder what it has in store. 

As I was booting my computer to write this, I was thinking that of all the blessings I could receive in 2009, the ability to live beyond my fears would be the one thing that would make the most impact. It would mean committing to Heather, Being willing to be active with my business, it means the most for the most significant parts of my life… My relational and financial future. 

—

And a moment from that comment I found myself downloading the Genesis book in an effort to read the bible in a year. 

Bible in a year

At least one book per month

faithful to heather

willingness to open my mouth or make a call 

—

woah, i’m off surfing the web and I find myself nearly out of battery. I guess it’s time to sign off for now with intent to check in again sometime soon. Perhaps I’ll go do some reading, and after that, snuggle in with Heather. A great way to start a new year.

I’ve got 5 minutes left on the timer for the last batch of chocolate chip cookies. I’ve been cooking over the last few days and it’s been fun. I don’t often do much baking, ever. In fact, this might be the only stretch where I’ve baked during the entire 2008. 

Tonight I’ll be headed off to Tommy’s house for a new years eve party, and then to do some sledding with Heather & co. at the Mendenhall Glacier. It should prove to be a good time. 

Earlier today Heather & I went and checked out some freecycle stuff, and since then (I dropped her off) I cut my hair (though I’m not sure it’s well done in the back), baked some cookies, and cleaned up a bit around my house. 

In the new year, I think it will be my goal to make an effort towards being more confident with making calls in my business, and to get to a place of confidence with my relationship with Heather. It will mean saying no to the opportunities I’m presented for extra-relational encounters, but I know it’s worth it. I suppose that I’ll include a concerted effort to be better about personal development (core) and reading scripture. I think that’ll help me towards being better in the other areas too. 

—

perhaps I’ll do some more posting later on this evening, but for now, it’s off to deliver cookies to Tommy’s!

First things first: my slight edge – 

Yay!  I woke up EARLY (5 am) and proceeded to get to work. Made some progress with the photo folders, and generally was being productive. Next, enter Heather and we decided to lay down for a nap – that lasted till late morning. A quick breakfast, a brief break, and then we went to the Chiropractor. He took xrays and found her back to be twisted, winding and all manners of not normal. Good though that we’re able to make some progress. 

Did pick up, though products didn’t arrive. Got a call from Gary Taylor who was looking for me to help out by feeding his cat. I did, and now I suppose I’ll want to check back periodically to make sure it isn’t dead, even though it didn’t seem very hungry. Stopped by the video store, and the grocery store and got some supplies. Came home and enjoyed a lovely salad/dinner combo from Heather as we watched Horton Hears A Who.

Here’s where the reeling part comes in. Right before the show Helen called to ask my insight about a job offer she received, I told her I’d call her back later on as the movie was just starting. At the end of the movie, I left Heather on the couch while I headed upstairs to check email, play some games and generally get stuff done. I realized too that I needed to give Helen a call back. She proceeded to explain the conundrum, but considering all the different factors, she didn’t know what to do. At one point, she appeared to be mad at the fact that I was echoing that the economy is in an unknown state; it’s hard to tell what the future will bring. 

While on the phone while trying to keep up, it became apparent that Heather was maddened by the fact that I was on the phone; I had told her I was going to play on my computer, and here I was on the phone. So while I had Helen (and her angry tone) on hold, Heather indicated (somewhat coldly) that she was just going to head home.

Wow. 

I know they both want to know that they are going to be okay, and that they both are important, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation well. As it ended, while Helen was on hold (as I was talking to heather) she called back and suggested that I was done. Then Heather was done. 

I guess the bottom line is that in the course of communication with women, their primary concern is towards the health of the relationship and not the actual issue at hand. You’d think I would have learned that by now.

I stand upon a precipice. I live between two worlds: one of destruction & pain and loneliness, and the other of love and support and caring. 

Three girls, two nights… Helen, saturday evening; Heather, Sunday morning; Carolina, sunday night. 

What the hell am I looking for? What is it that I think these choices will do for me? Do I think there is something to gain by getting in bed with as many women as possible? 

The obvious answer from any angle is that I ought not be doing this. There is nothing but misery and destruction to be gained from my choices. But after making the wrong choices so long, they just want to come so naturally. It’s no longer hard. The little voice in the background has quieted to a whisper. 

Where do I go from here? I’m 28, upon the verge of 2009, and another year, I deal with the pain and regrets of my choices… Though obviously not painful or regrettably enough to force me to stopping… 

I was reading today (while at the Chiropractor’s office) from The Slight Edge. On page 28, it pointed out that if I am not using the slight edge to my benefit, that same edge will tear me down to death… A sobering thought if I do say so myself. 

So, I thought to update my journal “template” to include a portion of what kinds of slight edge actions I’ve made in my life on that particular day. It might flex as I get used to it, but this seems like a good way to see some clear articulation of what direction I’m headed, and immediate feedback to know when I’m on (or off) the right path. 

THE SLIGHT EDGE: 

PRO: 

• Ate salad today, 2x
• Suggested to Lola that she check out Nutrilite as she was dealing with a sore throat
• Placed an order with AG
• Balanced finances
• Went to play in the snow with Heather (drove out the road for some off-trail adventure)

CON: 

• Ate my fair share of cookie dough & fresh bread
• slept in a bit long

So, from the looks of things, today was a good day. I hope to make tomorrow even better by waking early and acting immediately to make the last December 30th, 2008, the best one ever. 

g’nite

Not really sure what I had in mind for a post today, but just trying to keep up with things… 

Today I awoke around 1pm, after going to bed last night really, really late. Wasn’t really up doing anything in particular, but I found the evening of entertainment with Heather to go a while… scrabble & cards & movie lasted into the wee hours. 

Today, to speak of activities… I did a bit of work on the BeCore10.com site, as well as some of the wildsofalaska.com site… afterwards, I put together bonus checks for downline and then headed out to drop them off. 

Interestingly, I keep watching movies where I find myself thinking about relationships and whether or not Heather is “the one”, but at the same time I keep falling back towards old habits.

Carolina invited me to a movie tomorrow night, and in the texting back and forth, the topic was quite sexual – not sure if she’d follow through with it as she has given me the impression that she is the good christian sort, waiting for marriage, but if one is willing to think and talk about it, it seems that she may be willing also. I’m intrigued, excited, and shamed. We’ll see if I find myself free tomorrow night. It seems like the best thing I’ve got is Heather to help keep me faithful. 

And, while dropping off my the bonus check, helen and I had another interlude. 

While heading out to the valley to return home, Mike Popovich was on the CD I was listening to and he was lauding the necessity for matching thoughts, words and actions… and that if one is off, the whole process is broken (with regards to building your business). Interestingly, I think that wisdom could apply anywhere in life; with my chastity, my thoughts & actions aren’t in alignment with my word… or maybe it’s just that there is duplicity in my thoughts words and actions… depending on who my audience happens to be at that moment. 

well, it’s 12:15, so I suppose I ought to be heading to sleep. It’s nice to type a few hundred words a day to help articulate what it is that I experience in a day, or in life at large.

Hello again. 

Just a quick moment of ramblings before continuing on with my evening. 

Today has been good – I got together with Corey McKrill & Jason Hickey and we had a good chat. Terra Parker happened to stop in, and as we all went to school together, we had a good chat of catching up. 

This afternoon Heather & I took a walk out on Mendenhall Lake. We made it quite a ways, but not out to the ice. 

Afterwards I made progress on the Goldbelt Holiday Party – prints are now ordered. I really need to look at what it takes to get a nice holder or otherwise for them… 

Heather came over after that and we played some scrabble, concentration, speed and crazy-eights. It was a good night, finished off with a movie called Believe In Me about a girls basketball in Oklahoma during the 60’s. Good story, and I guess it was based on a true one too.

Helen is still trying to proposition me, and frankly, if it were more convenient, I’m afraid I’d take her up on it.

From the two movies last night, and even other movies in the past, I’m starting to catch the hint that I need to make up my mind and be faithful to Heather if I expect anything to happen in the future. Part of me wants to clear my chest, and part of me wants to keep it hidden and hope it can be permanently swept under the rug. I’m not sure what the ideal solution is, of course, but in the meantime I don’t make a crucial decision.

Alright, some how it ended up at 4:45 (in the morning), and I’m still up. I think it’s time for sleep. 

g’nite.

It has been a good day. 

It started by staying up way late last night and setting up the Juneau Life profiles all over the web. I awoke this morning with heather arriving around 10 am. I laid in bed a bit longer while we chatted about miscellany… Finally around 11am, we got up and moving. She cooked a lovely breakfast of banana-macadamia pancakes, eggs & bacon, and I tried to finish the final wrappings I had yet to do. Next we had some food around noon, and when finished, I jumped back to business with submitting a contest entry for the All Day I Dream About Photography blog, for a year’s subscription to Smugmug. I guess I’m one of 3 submitters, so we’ll see how I do against the competition. Here’s the full-resolution link, if you like.

We’ll also see if I can insert a smaller version in the blog entry to try to make things a bit more flashy: 

Christmas Collage (Entry for ADIDAP)

So, theoretically, that image will take you to the jumbo version, but really, I don’t know for sure. 

On with the day. 

Next Heather & I picked up Shane and headed out to Mom’s house for dinner. She had cooked up a storm and had all the fixin’s. It was good. At some point through the night, Shane decided to get feisty with mom about a gun he left behind, and I stepped in and told him to drop the issue; I think he was upset about something prior and, it seemed he might have been disappointed by the gifts he received when compared to the items my mom got. We eventually gave shane a ride home and then went to see Seven Pounds with Will Smith; a very heavy show. 

While I’m in that neck of the woods, I’ll see if I can articulate some of the items I received (and gave): 

For me: 

• two dress shirts, one had a matching tie
• dress pants
• pocket wizard plus (though it may require a return or a purchase of a second one to make it a useful tool for off-camera flash.
• a carhart zippered sweatshirt (though it’s a bit small, so will get a return)
• some tire repair kit pieces to patch bike tires

For other people: 

• heather
  • crash course dvd
  • $1000 of chiropractic care
  • custom photo-book of cherished memories
  • personalized accents ribbon gift album (for jewelry)
  • two (regifted) mugs and hot-cocoa.
• mom
  • flat screen monitor
  • mark kelley calendar
  • crash course dvd
  • allman brothers band chronology
• shane
  • book on dreams
  • earnest collection dvd
  • 4 classic rock cds & cd case
• jason
  • ribbon gift album (variety style)
  • movie viewings (one card, one paid for tonight)

And I got some stuff for other people too, but I don’t really feel like chronicling the list now.

I think heather & i will be sitting down to do something else (or go to sleep early) so we’ll see where that heads, but for now, I’ll be signing off. 

nighty, night.