January 27, 2002

From the Gray Journal

Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.

My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.

Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.

Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.

It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.

Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…

Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.

Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.

Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.

-Cody

Cody-

Thanks again for a reply. I know that you’re dying to figure this all out and are probably confused as hell… all I can say is been there, done that. So here’s my response:

* First I have to say, “ye-ha. That first email was VERY skeletal. Don’t do it again. It left me hanging by a thread”….

Yeah sorry about leaving you hanging… But you do have to admit that the suspense was fun, right?

Okay, so let me just throw out a quick story to relate. So the last week that Ed was in town (also my last week, I believe), I was at a party at Spencer Stekoll’s house with Trang. Ed and his friend ended up showing up for a little bit, but left early. I was “hoping” that he wouldn’t because that would essentially be “the last night” with Ed ( I hope you get the subtle meaning behind that ). Anyways, he left early, and Trang and I got drunk (sounds like a familiar story, eh?) So she and Spencer disappear to the bedroom and everyone starts to scatter. I was left with Connor (don’t know if you remember him, he graduated in 97) and we engaged in a drunken conversation for a bit then crash on the couch. Nothing happened between us, but somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I decide to wander around the house in a drunken state. Needless to say, I stumbled upon Justin (Spencer’s older brother) and some other chick. I guess they’d just “finished” and he invited me to join them in the bed. I did, although she didn’t agree to the idea and left. So we were left and ended up fooling around (no sex, just foreplay). Afterwards, I spent the day in a weird stupor. I felt a little used, definitely bad because I had technically cheated on Ed (even though we were nothing serious), and just down right weird… I never mentioned this to anyone, not Ed, not Tia or even Jason. The only other person who knows about it is Trang, just because she was there and found me in bed the next morning. What I’m trying to get at is that I thought that by not acknowledging that it happened, I could essentially forget about it. But honestly it still lingers in the back of my mind and just writing this to you is helping me to move on…. anyways, back to your problems….

You may find this question unrelated to all of our correspondance, but I thought of it, so I’ll ask. Why have you, and why do you go all the way with guys? What do you do it for? I picked up that you and Ed were, shall we say, sexually active, but why so far? Just asking for some Rhonda insight. Let me know (an “I don’t know” is acceptable, but you and I both know that it’s a cop out… even though we have both used it…)

Tell me, how would you have felt about the whole situation if you and Ed hadn’t been together? I would wager that you would still feel a little used, and thus a little bad as well. In my situation, I would have no qualms with what I did, other than the fact that I am dating Helen at the same time.

Sounds like you’re having a hard time keeping up with your relationship with Helen, or a steady relationship at that. I do understand how much “easier” it is to keep up a relationship with a person when you are physically around them. But the distance is the true test. I’m definitely starting to feel more lonely and insecure without having Jason here. It’s been almost a month since he left and it’ll be another month until he comes back. Not that my life depends on him or anything (although he was a good source of partying) besides I have school and music to focus on, but it was just “nice ” to have him around and to be able to hang out with him. Anyways…. (I’m trying to stay focused on my response to you)

Yeah, distance is certainly a test… I don’t think I am doing so well at it… Bleh… I think Helen likes where the relationship is at and the same goes for me, except that I don’t really want to be violating her trust like I have.

I really don’t know what to say about it all. I know that you care about Helen, and that you don’t want to hurt her. And I know that holding in all that information seems like the best solution… but let me tell you, I’ve been on the receiving line and it’s NOT the best feeling in the world when you find out something like that, especially from someone else. I don’t know if you remember me telling you how Colleen told me that Matt had cheated on me. And when I confronted him he basically told me that he didn’t plan on telling me about it, figured that he’d forget about it and that I wouldn’t find out (sound like a familiar thought?) What I’m trying to get at is no matter how much you want to keep the past, well, in the past… it’s tough because it always finds its way of showing it’s ugly face. I’m not saying that I’d tell her, I’m just saying that it’s better to be honest.

I don’t know that I ever heard that you were cheated on… I know that hearing the news from a third party would be horrible, but again, the only third party that knows anything to tell to anyone would be you. I will keep it that way also. (So don’t think you can say anything without me knowing who spilled.) Of course I know that you wont, but still… Gotta make it known in situations like this.

Actually that isn’t really all that accurate… I do want to tell her, but I don’t want to have the relationship dissolve, nor to I want a lasting ripple that will stay with her. I would love to know that as soon as I have told her, she would forgive me, and we can move on. Being LDS means that, in theory, there is to be no premarital sex. Yeah, I went and messed that up with Mika, and realized the badness that happened in relationships when sex was introduced. I felt bad about it, especially since her father trusted me, and I violated that trust. I decided to tell him, expecting him to be furious about my lack of respect and violation of church standards, but instead, the first things out of his mouth were along the lines of, “It’s okay Cody, I forgive you.” I guess I would just like Helen to do the same. Wishful thinking huh?

Now there’s the issue of when or where to tell Helen. You’re right about not being any good time to tell someone these sort of things, but then again a breakdown in the middle of school wouldn’t be cool either. Again, I’ve been there, done that.

Okay, so there is no good time for me to tell her. I would suggest summer, but that is a long time away. I guess my thought on the matter is to keep it in the dark, work on forgiving myself for my mistakes, and then at some point way in the future (like next summer) either she will have broken up with me, or I will be able to tell her about my mistakes in the past that I never had the heart to tell her of. Then I can tell her it hasn’t happened again, and I just didn’t want to continue keeping something like that from her. I know that at that point she’d still be upset, but I would also like to think that she would forgive me and move on because it was so far in the past. Perhaps a dumb idea, but first I need to work on forgiving myself.

And I know that it seems easy to deem yourself as the bad person. From an outsider view, I guess yes, you’d fit the role. But remember you learn from all life experiences, good or bad.

Yeah, thanks… I appreciate you trying to build me up… You stinker. I know that I learn from all experiences, but the idea of wisdom is to build upon what others have learned, and not to make those mistakes.

So basically, I’m rooting for telling her everything. That’s my opinion and you don’t have to do it. Just know that whatever you do, I’ll be here to listen. I’m pretty beat myself (although I haven’t really done much, except been really lazy and stay in on this Saturday evening, hoping that I’d get motivated to do some homework, but that’s what Sundays are for). Respond with more questions, and seriously, if you need a phone conversation… 415-406-4039. Hope this all helps…hang in there:)

Rhonda:)

Rooting for telling her everything, huh? Yeah, I know that would be the best, but as you have also agreed, there really isn’t a time that would be appropriate…

Thanks,
Cody

RHONDA’S MESSAGE
Cody-

Finally, you started writng me back!!! 🙂

So.. wow… sounds like you’ve got a thick gravy of issues….by the way, thanks for choosing me to confide in. I know what it’s like to have certain issues that you just need the right type of person to confide in. But you obviously know that I’m always here for you and willing to listen:) And vice versa….

No problem. I know that with what we have shared, that you are who I can refer to as a sounding board, and your head is grounded so I wont have to deal with criticism and any unwanted advice (meaning you seem to know how to give wanted advice.)

So yeah… where to start with this all…. So let me start with some questions. How much of your past does Helen know about? Does she know about all the stuff that went down between you and Mika, and all that jazz? I think that you may have made some good guesses as to how she’ll react to the news, but then again, she’s a normal girl. Honestly, I’d be shocked and maybe angry or hurt… but if the relationship is worth keeping up, then I’d be more willing to move on and let the past be the past. That’s exactly how me and Jason turned out. I was SO trying to keep my past year and all that drama a secret from him… and then after that one night at the lake ( Labor Day weekend ), the subject of sex came up and he asked me how many people I’ve slept with. Boy, was I nervous!!! But I told him the truth. He was VERY shocked… and after I told him EVERYTHING that happened, he felt more comfortable with me and even shared some deep dark secrets of his own. So your outcome won’t necessarily come out “bad”, although it may be hard to accept what has happened in the past ( for both people ). Another question that I came up with, is why do you really want to end the relationship? Is it because you don’t want to tell her about your past? Or is it because you don’t find the desire to “be” in the relationship anymore?

How much of my past… I was going to tell you that she knew nearly everything, but I don’t think that is accurate when I sit and think about it. Back when we weren’t yet an item (x-mas break) and I screwed around with 2 different girls, I told her about that. It was hard, but since we weren’t dating, it was somehow forgiven. It was then that she gave me the impression that if we were actually dating, it would be (in my wording, not hers) unforgiveable. I don’t know if she knows that I have had sex with Mika, but I think she would assume. I haven’t said one way or the other.

“Or is it because you don’t find the desire to be in the relationship anymore?” I don’t know about that one. I would like to think that I want to be in the relationship, but in all reality, I don’t think I have been acting that way now that she is out of town. With what I know, actions are bred from thoughts. If my actions show that I am not committed to this relationship, I don’t think it would be accurate to say that I greatly desire to be in the relationship. But then again, I do want to be with her. Ack!

Those are the first couple of questions that came to mind after reading your email. I’ve got to run and get some errands done right now, but I hope that you write me back!!! And if you just can’t seem to fit it all in an email… my phone number is (415) 406-4039.
Rhonda:)

Wow, I just reread the message that I had sent you last night… Oh boy… Talk about suspense. I gave you no information whatsoever. I think this email will change that.

So yeah… Out with the truth Cody… Out with it. F

Okay… So yeah I think I’m stalling, but that’s all right gives you more to read right?

Since Helen has left town, I think it would be more than accurate to say that I haven’t been physically faithful to her. However, because of that, it would mean that I haven’t been emotionally faithful to her either.

I could start justifying why it isn’t all that big of a deal. I don’t expect that I will me marrying her. That means that I don’t need to fear being an adulterator. Right, that sounds so good Cody… I could refer to how our parents viewed dating.

For the older generations, dating consisted simply of going out on dates. Didn’t matter who it was which night, our current dating would be related to “going steady” right? So yeah… I kinda like the idea of being able to date all sorts of people… And that’s not any big deal, but the physical aspect that I find sometimes comes with that is the big deal, right?

I have added one girl to the dreaded list that I have running – I hope you know what I am referring to…. I don’t necessarily regret anything about it, other than I am dating Helen at the same time. It was a one-time experience, and there were no drugs or alcohol. Actually, you have heard me speak of her. She is the gorgeous single mom that I have mentioned.

And I have also kissed Mika, though that was a big mistake and I have closed that. (Thank god) Besides, she is leaving Juneau for Utah on the 29th possibly for good.

I really don’t want to lose Helen. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what to do. The way I am thinking right now is that I just wont tell her, and she wont find out, and I will get better about it all. That is what I would like to do and am strongly considering.

I think of the other option of telling her. That would be catastrophic. She will completely break down at school, and there really is no good time for me to tell her. I think in terms of ending the relationship that we have right now I am leaving it up to her.

I think about the idea of repentance, and I am scared. Right now, I would say that I haven’t gone through the process. If I had previously, like I thought I had, I wouldn’t have been doing these things to begin with.

I would be inclined to say that there is something wrong with me, and that I am bad person for making such choices, but that isn’t really an option as I see it.

Rhonda, I really don’t know what to do. Aaaarrrrggggg!!! I wish she could see right through me, or find someone else, or decide that because she is at school, the long distance thing wont work. I didn’t have any problems while she was in town, only while she is away… Grrr.

I don’t want any pain for her, and that is the hardest part of it all. I KNOW that I could continue without her knowing about this, and therefore she wouldn’t be able to be upset about this, but I also know that if she found out, she would be furious and crushed that I withheld that information from her, no matter how painful.

The fact that I had withheld it would be more upsetting than me actually doing it.

If I had to guess, I am all done with my shenanigans, which means that I don’t have to worry about the continuation of my habit, but then again, I thought I was done before.

If you would like to respond, go for it. I would love to hear your perspectives, but also I would like to know what you have been through and how you handled them and how they turned out. I also want to be able to decide what to do. I would like to know that I am a good person in spite of all my egregious errors.

Well, this is a long email now, and only a portion of what runs through my head fairly consistently. I think I will close this now, and fall asleep where I sit… I am bushed.

Hopefully I will talk to you soon. Perhaps your email will me long and through also.

Talk to you soon.
Thank you,
Cody

So, where to start? I am sitting here in front of this computer, fingertips tender, body sore, and mind numb, and now what to say. First of all I suppose that I should explain the purpose of this letter. Though you may not have noticed through the duration of our ‘relationship’ I like to let my thoughts out on paper (or in this case on a screen) so that I can see what I am thinking. From time to time, the words that I write contradict themselves so if you notice that, know that it is a quite normal occurrence inside my head, and thus a cause for indecision at times. So, lucky you, you get to read what I have running through my head.

Periodically I try to explain all of my thoughts to someone but that really does not do them or myself any justice to the situation; infact, most of the time, it just confounds the situation. Now I find it interesting that I have the ability to discuss what I wrote, so save this because perhaps someday in the future it can be a document that enables us (mostly me) to have clarity in my discussions. When I can refer to something concrete (as in a piece of paper) it makes it harder for me to change what I was thinking or saying. I think all of that accurately explains why I am writing this. Okay, so on with the letter.

I am so fortunate that I had a chance to meet and get to know you, and it truly pleases me to say that I am a close friend of yours. I care about you immensely, if I had it my way I don’t know that I would spend much time away from you, because I care to know that you are safe and alright. Now of course I can’t really do that, but hey, it would be nice. The times that we have shared have been amazing and I pray that I will find someone else in my future that can fill the indelible footprints you have left on my mind and heart.

Now it would be inaccurate to say anything but I love you. However, because people as a general rule are protective of their domain and the like, I think it is safer for me to keep that all under wraps. I don’t know how your fiancé would take to that well. I certainly hope that everything works out for the best between you and Anthony, however, because I care about you to the extent that I do, I reserve the right to be fearful and anxious for you and your well being. I know that you deserve an incredible individual for a mate, however, it is unfortunate that I don’t know your groom to be well enough to say that he would pass the test.

I don’t know exactly what would be in the test, although I am sure that you are wondering what elements I might include. I suppose the regular stuff, you know: timed fitness trial, 1700 or above on the SAT’s, can stop speeding bullets with his teeth, and can jump over buildings in a single bound… Nothing too big. You hopefully can tell from that list that you are very valuable in my eyes. I think nothing small of you. Am I getting through?

Perhaps I can be more direct with addressing concerns. Know that these come from unconditional love for you and in no way are intended to put you either in a bad or defensive frame of mind.

Just imagine it all from my perspective… I get to know Tyson better through a mutual friend (Mindy) and so following natural course I wind up at his house watching a movie, and wow, Mika is there. Of course I knew of you before we had officially met at your house from being in the same group with you and Bo, but now I was in the same company as you. What’s more, I was sitting next to you! So the movie thing happened, and me, being myself, and you being yourself, began to flirt with each other and before either of us knew what was going on, we had kissed and spent the night together. Wow, what a night! I was thrilled… I don’t know how to explain it though, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was off at work. So yeah, our relationship continued and we got to know each other in a closer and closer fashion, I started to break down barriers that I hadn’t addressed because of your tender words and you were sharing things with me that I never would have dreamed of. Some things painful to hear of, and other things that were more exciting and fun. I couldn’t wait to get off of work to come see you. Wow. And the relationship continued.

I think we both agree that we were dating minus the titles, but because we hadn’t ever committed to one another, I felt that theoretically, I was still free on the market. That’s why I was willing to go and mess around with Kim. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake and that the relationship that we held was more valuable than that even without the titles attached. So trying to do the right thing I told you. It crushed me to see the sad look in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t gone and done that. Man I felt like a slug. Even now I am sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.

That done, the relationship we had went downhill from there. I don’t think that I have cried before losing someone in a relationship. I just thought of that as I was sitting here. You meant an incredible amount to me and it hurt so badly. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I think it was because I feel/felt that it was my undoing by screwing around with some other girl. Oh, the lessons we learn. I always seem to learn them the hard way no less. Go figure. So yeah, on with the letter, Cody.

So me being a relative creature of logic, I had a hard time with the breakup, not because of the breakup itself, it was more the inconsistencies in your reasoning. I’m sure I’ve tried to explain this before, but I know it wasn’t on paper so here you get to get it again! When you were breaking it off with me, you had said that things were ending with us because you wanted to feel free to date other guys, as in go out on dates, with out feeling guilty or feeling like you had to let me know. Not that I had a terrible problem with that, but, truth be told, I loved to spend time with you and if some other guy is, that would mean by logic, that I’m not. So okay, I suppose that I can handle that. But the next thing I know, you are dating Spencer. That wasn’t a bad thing at all, but let me explain. You had just told me that you wanted to date many guys, and not be in just one relationship. Um, you and Spencer, together? I think that means that you forgot about what you had told me just a couple weeks earlier, or you were lying to me, or you decided to change your mind because it suited you. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think of that situation and as it turned out (situations).

Oh shoot, time is running slim, I am headed off to get ready for Stake Conference today. I think I will be receiving the Melchezdik (sp?) Priesthood. Talk soon? I suppose that’s up to me isn’t it? So toodles for now. Cb

Live365.com

Hello Helen,

Thank you for the conversation that we had the other night. I found, though at times frustrating, that it was very good to bring some things to light. This is why I am writing to you.

Throughout our relationship we have been very good at being together. I love that element. However, I find that when we are apart, it stretches our relationship to a breaking point that we have experienced before. Being as how I am not wild of losing you to something trivial like a disagreement, I thought it would be wise for me to explain what I see as the relationship that I am looking for, however reasonable or not. Keep in mind, I am not writing this to ask you to fit into it, nor as an explanation of where I would like our relationship to go. If you would like to be a part of what I envision, I couldn’t be more thrilled for that.

I expect that you will be able to find inconsistencies in my writings. It’s not that I intend to contradict myself, but in a lot of situations I know that my opinions straddle whatever fence there might be. If at any point you have questions, please let me know, and I will do everything in my power to explain myself.

Introduction
Thank you
I care about you/this relationship
Explain purpose

Meat
Why I am dating her (all the good stuff)
Reason for liking her
Reason for troubles
Way to fix troubles
Praise of her and her involvement

Ideal

I just felt like typing. I don’t really know what I wanted to type, nor what I would be typing, but I am typing anyhow.

Things I should type about: girls, business, spiritual, emotional, work (grayline and UAS), play, friends, and then anything else that I can think of.

GIRLS –
Well what can I say. Micaela is beautiful, friendly, fun, and young. That would be interesting to say the least. I think her maturity is in line with her age. She is mature, but at the same time, there are glimpses of extreme youngness – immaturity. Now granted, I too can be immature, but hey, I am not all that bad… Am I? So yeah, we will see where that one goes… I should call her sometime, and of course, visa-versa.

There is Lisa, who is a great person. Very fun, easy going, entergetic, playful, and good looking. I think she likes other people which isn’t a bad thing, but may lead to more of a challenge when trying to help her understand that I am a (the) best candidate for her. There would be interesting conversations granted our views on things, but for the most part, I think it would be a lot of fun. I wonder if she is going to call me sometime?

Nicole… Wow. Great person. Some times I see that she is a little hard on herself, and doesn’t recharge like she could, but wow. Great maturity, responsibility, smile, and potential. And then to add to all of that, she is absolutely beautiful. Too bad we took it so far to begin with. I think that changed all the dynamics of the relationship. Then again, that may just be the age difference. That and she is convinced that she herself is undatable and undesireable. Well used compliments seem to make her day. I love it she she smiles and flirts. She is good at massage, but also very busy. She obviously has issues. I don’t know if she is going to share them with me, but I will be there until she decides. I wonder if she has ever considered getting professional help to work through the issues. Perhaps one thing that would help is someone who cares about the troubles that she is going through.

I am going to take a quick break here. I think this all calls for a little nap… I still haven’t mentioned Cori or Helen, so I will be back. Oh yeah, Rhonda too! Like I said, I’ll be back.

Helen feels that I am not understanding and accepting her. One way I can work on that is to use myself as the example and not refer to scriptures or things of that nature. I don’t really know if that will resolve the issue. Another thing that I am concerned about is the physical aspect. I am a very physical person, and it is surprising that she is cold to the advances that I make. I would love it for her to take the aggressive route. Now the flip side of all of this is that it may be good that she doesn’t do that. With my new approach and my new life, this may be one of the greatest blessings that I have. I would like for Helen to have boldness to explain herself, and to ask questions and be critical of me. I have a bold personality and that seems to keep her on the fringes. I need to continue to grow and continue to love on her. What more can I do, I wonder… Tonight I have Ultimate. That should be a blast in this good weather. Talk soon.

Helen is feeling as though she is being taken for Granted. That would lead me to believe that she needs a different type of attention from me, but how to change? To what? Less Physical… What does she enjoy? Respect, Perhaps gifts? Service (backrubs)

Okay [taken for granted] does that support that she notices my liking of other people? (Namely Cori)

Sexual desires: Words of affirmation: Quality time: Receiving Gifts: Acts of Service

Sexual Desires:

            Yes I have ‘sexual desires.’ Are they necessary? I don’t know. I do have a lot of physical experiences under my belt. Most girls I seem to get some sort of action from. With guy friends: Eli, yes, physical. Tommy, no not so much. It seems that a majority of the time I am not so physical (like at UAS), but that there is also a lot of times where the physical happens quickly and often (Nicole, Holly, Carrie, etc.). There are also times where I notice touch because it is out of the norm: Joe S and Shane.  Not bad, just unusual.

Words of Affirmation

Yes I enjoy words of affirmation… I can’t really think of much in my past that would indicate the warm fuzzy feeling. I do like to be recognized for the things that I accomplish and do.  If it is sincere and well placed, than it is certainly something that I like.  I don’t know that I feel unloved though if I go without it.  I think there is a large part of me that gives myself that type of appreciation.  Perhaps that is cause for the need of it.  I do recognize that I am excited when I receive positive feedback from Helen, or Bill or anyone for that matter.  I would perceive that sometimes I don’t appear to admit it though.  I, at this point, cannot tell if that is a good thing or not.

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Heavenly Father,

I pray to you with a throbbing heart, as I know that I have done wrong in your eyes. I recognize the severity of my choices. They are egregious errors that sour my life and lessen the opportunities to receive special blessings that you have for me.

I thank you Father for you love, compassion and understanding. For without it I would be lost and all would be hopeless as our nemesis would eventually win without opposition. However, reality dictates that Satan cannot and will not win. I am overjoyed by this truth. Father, I am thrilled that together, with your support and love to compensate for my inherent shortcomings, we will win.

Heavenly Father, I write this to you now with one purpose, to commit my mind, thoughts, words and actions to you.

This means the end of excessive physical contact with women. No “making out”, inappropriate kissing, roaming of the hands (intentional or not) nor lustful thoughts – as they are not of Christ. This means no immoral or impure thoughts, no pornography, no sexual transgressions. This means that I will now choose to avoid the very appearance of evil. Time alone with a girl or girlfriend is okay, granted the relations remain appropriate and we abstain from sexual conduct. I understand the greatest of journeys starts with one step followed by another. My greatness in this life and the next will be due to small, daily choices, not a transformation of person.

Heavenly Father, you know all. You know my mistakes, past, present, and even future. You know my shortcomings. You also know my strengths and talents. Most important though, you know my heart and my desires.

You say in your word that, “…to him it is given according to his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscience.” I have had remorse of conscience. I have had times of spiritual death. I no longer desire that path. I desire and yearn to be one of your warriors – a proponent of Righteousness, spreading the Gospel and condemning all Evil – even when unpopular and inconvenient. Also in your word you say, “…everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Father, I am pleading for your forgiveness. So many mistakes, so many failures. I desire to turn my life around for you.

Father, as of Wednesday, May 20 of 2001, I made a covenant, promise and oath to You swearing that no matter the temptation, I will rise above it. In my thoughts actions and words, I will be a righteous man! I understand by stating this that the devil will be on a rampage to lead me away and discourage me, and have me fall away. Unfortunately for him, I will not be daunted. Fortunately for us, I will rise up under any adversity. I speak victory and I speak triumph. With my words, thoughts and actions, every one will see that I am a stronger man, including the enemy.

Heavenly master, I leave you now with my promise and ask for all of your blessings and strength as I begin my lifetime journey as one of your knights.

With great love, admiration and sincerity,
In Jesus’ name,
Amen

Monday, July 23, 2001

Helen,

You simply amaze me. There have been several times that I have been floating after seeing you. The feeling is sublime. I love every thing about it.

Periodically you ask me why I like you… What I think would be a harder question is what is there to not like about you. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you as my girlfriend. Your compassion, heart and love, everything is so incredible. I had no idea what it is like to be excited to be involved with someone, not simply lusting after them.

I can’t stop thinking about how great it is to be in a relationship with you. You have been and are a completely wonderful person to have as a girlfriend. I can laugh, cry, be confused, or just be quiet. Your willingness to be a part of the relationship is incredible. I don’t think I could hope for anything more.

I think one of the most amazing things for me is your willingness to work on being in a relationship. I am constantly impressed at your discipline to share what is on your mind at the moment, as I know it is easy to hold your tongue.

I often think about the relationship that we have and wonder if I would ever want something different. I can honestly say that I cannot imagine a better relationship with a more wonderful individual. I would be hard pressed to ever find either.

I wish I could better express this in words, however, I am not sure that words would do this feeling justice. All I am left with is stammer and a blur of thoughts. Thank you for your love and your forgiveness.

If there is ever anything that I can do for you in any way, shape or form, please let me know. I will be there for you for as long as you will allow me to be near to your heart. Thank you for that.

With much love and adoration,