I’ve been married for nearly 5 months, and while I’ve been able to keep away from other women in person, I notice my heart sometimes feels deceptive to my goal of faithfulness to my wife.
I love her deeply, and even though we experience challenges with communication or other things, I’m still deeply committed to making her life wonderful.
Lately, when we’ve had a bit of tension in our relationship, I see my acumen for focus on her as my one-and-only to be clouded. The other day there was an exchange with a gal at work which was more than suggestive. While I don’t think I have the capacity to follow through with such things, it makes me nervous that my wife isn’t the one constantly at the forefront of my mind.
It therefore becomes paramount for me to engage in a lifestyle that supports a long and well built relationship. To date, the most significant time that we’ve shared in pursuit of one another was during our honeymoon, after a week or more, when we were still in close quarters with the Wildes.
We were strongly sexed and excited to be intimate and close with oneanother. Now, I’m seeing my brain navigate toward other options including, but not limited to pornography and even a past fling and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for Heather to know that I was an adulterous spouse.
Fortunately, I don’t think I could keep quiet about such a dynamic in our relationship… and for that reason, I don’t think that I could follow through with such an action because I want to be transparent with my wife.
Well, she’s about done with the stuff on her list, so I’ll wrap this up. As much as I am excited at the thought of an illicit affair, I’m stoked to love my wife more deeply each day, week, month and year into the future.
We (I) will learn to be more faithful, less distracted and a better husband all around.
I love you Heather.
I’m sorry for my struggles, as I know that they pain you.
Lord, I’m ready to be taken over and directed to sure footing and safe travels. Help me to be the Husband you wish me to be for Heather, and to enact that role in such a way as to bring honor to you, and to be available to be used as an example to others. Help me dilute my polluted mind with your love, and the future that Heather and I have together. Amen.
I’m reading a new book that I picked up, and being mostly rattled by it. It suggests beyond all manner of common explanation that we should turn the job world on it’s head, become uber efficient and mobile, and work less and explore ourselves and our world more.
That’s not really new news, but he makes a pretty strong case for getting out of the comfort zone to expand ourselves to our future area of operation.To that end, there are a list of questions that I thought would be prudent to respond to towards the end of one of the first chapters.
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[Update (6 days later): There is more to do on this post, but for the sake of moving on, much like life and time seem to do, I’m going to post this and perhaps pick it up again later. We’ll see if I get around to it. ]
This evening, as I sat down for a snack of leftovers/pel meni/chicken, I put down my milk & reading materials and began to think. Granted, I’m not very far into the seating, but I realized that I’m not sure that I could clearly articulate what I’m learning right now in life. I know from the laws of life that we must be learning something, and if I’m not, I’m doomed to repeat it, so perhaps it’s worthwhile to note to myself what I’m learning and, maybe if I’m feeling really communicative, why I’m learning it.
The books sitting next to me are as follows:
The first one is in my stack because Brad Wolgamott had recommended it in a training series he was creating prior to being removed from the world of Amway & World Wide Dream Builders. I don’t know all the details surrounding that topic, and I’m sure I could write a whole entry about that, so we’ll suffice it to say that the book is intended to help focus the mind around the mission statement or vision for your life. I don’t recall if I’ve read it before, but I’m reading it now (albeit slowly) and trying to engage in the process of writing my wishlist for life.
Confidence and Power is nearly always close, granted I’ve got books nearby; for whatever reason, it resonates with me and helps me to remember techniques to engage people in a positive way. It helps me to remember my own confidence and the necessity towards a win-win exchange with people.
And, well, the photography book will be my reward for a reading session well done. I love the camera and capturing special images. We’ll see what I learn tonight that might help me in the future.
Oh, and I need to be mindful of reading through the BBBS materials as I’m supposed to be “chairing” the meeting tomorrow night. 🙂
== notes from reading ==
Believing (not just conceiving) is the key to achievement;
quit thinking of all the reasons why you “can’t” do something and think of all the reasons why you “can.”;
men who have goals and plans dictate to others, while men who have no goals and plans are dictated to.
More thinking, more action, more growth.
I’ve been dealing lately with the fact that I am putting on pounds, and now I’m acting to remove them. I topped 200lbs again, and while for a spell I hovered around 180, it reminds me that my goal is actually 165-175. I don’t know how realistic the low side is, but I do know that I feel better about myself when at those lower poundage.
==
I got involved with the weekly sunday webcast and am just now getting back to the journal entry. This evening I got a good full hour in of kate listening. It was nice to be able to listen & relisten while riding around the valley. I rode around 10 miles in the hour that I was out, and not only am I feeling good about myself and making action towards good fitness, but also mentally empowered! Woohoo!
K. Time for bed.
Bill stopped by this afternoon to let us know that Brad Wolgamott would be kicked out of the WorldWide & Amway based on violations of cardinal rules. In my 10+ years of being around this business, this is the first time that such a public figure in the world of Amway has fallen so far. It only leads me to think of how badly I want to build huge walls in my life to keep me from the danger of doing the same thing. My brain has a tendency to go there, to not think of my wife first when it comes to the captivations of my life. It’s all too often that I feel that my heart is in a distant place, and I don’t want that. I continue to try to grow myself, and our relationship, but part of me feels bad that my efforts are not … I don’t know what I’m really trying to say. I guess the bottom line is that I don’t want this to happen for me. I want to be stronger, I want to be a man after gods own heart. I want to have a relationship like Dave & Jan Severn; or like Brad & Julie Duncan. It’s not that I want to be those people, but I want to grow myself in the system just like they have and achieved deepily caring relationships in their life. I want my wife to know that she is my first and only love, that she is far and away more important thna anything lese. That she captivates me. I want to know that my thoughts are only for her. I want to be at a place where if I think of sexual topics, she’s in the picturel that I don’t maintain any type of radio silence with her, no matter the topic. I want to know that she is loved deeply by me, and that I’m vulnerable in that love. For only through loving deeply can I hurt deeply, and while the pain of loss may be stong, the pain of never loving is a more pervasive thing. So, slight edge efforts for me: I want to love my wife deeply, for her to know that she is my best friend and that my energies are all directed towards her.
Anyhow, i’m going to nap now, but I just wanted to comment on this change of events and the astonishment of how someone who has been so resolute, cna also be so unauthentic. It’s a shame. Please lord, let me grow in your grace and good will for my life, and not the slight edge of death and sorrow.
As part of a married couples small group, Heather and I are now going through The Love Dare as offered up by the movie Fireproof. This first day talks about the concept of being patient with your spouse.
Some highlight points (exerpts):
As I think back on my days, I feel that, largely, I’m a patient man. In the book, it offered the example of what could be considered impatient, and in reflection, there are certainly times where I am impatient or distressed by something she’s done, and in those times, I can certainly put more focused energy towards expressng my love rather than feeling slighted by whatever thing happened.
Well, I don’t really recall if it was just a day ago that I put up the last template based post, but here’s the second half of that, to the best of my sleepy ability:
Something New (learned)
Attended a session about on-fire customer service, it was good, though a lot of the material was primarily repeat stuff. It was interesting at how he used media to intersperse his talk with visuals. 3 hours went by relatively quick.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Not really sure that I’ve been immersed enough in learning to have something new to apply. Something old? hmm… Check back with me another time.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Heather & I walked around this evening with just some quiet self time. It was interesting that as we were walking, we noticed Paul Kelly & Tanya Roust both living close by.
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
I think I might have prayed… oh yes, for a meal or two with heather. It was good, but I feel like I could dig a little deeper in that arena. I can’t say it feels entirely routine, but it sure is starting to lean in that direction without fostering my relationship.
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Walking about the valley for 2-3 hours was something physical. Sex before and after the walk was too. 🙂
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
I recall a bit of frustration with dealing with work. Not only the dynamic of being out of sorts regarding my present work situation, but also while approaching documentation today I was confronted with a wrinkle that makes my efforts doubled to design documentation.
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Heather & I, during our walk, had a chance to talk with one-another about several topics, from sex to the always enjoyed “do you feel loved by me” approach. I don’t know that I have clear answers, nor do I know how to navigate much of the world, but it was nice to connect with my wife and chat about some of the things that have been running under the surface for a while.
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Going on a hike tomorrow morning to get a sense for timing and for photography of the Lopez couple this next weekend. We might also do some Harry Potter (the latest movie was released this week) and we might even jump in on the tail end of a pampered chef event with anna-mariah. Napping might also be good since we’re committed to walking in the cancer-walk-a-thon thing tomorrow night/early morning.
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)
Journaling, thinking, building my relationship, and even a (very slight) bit of reading. It all adds up, does it not?
It’s lunch time and my pizza is rapidly cooking in the toaster oven (man I love those things!) I thought I’d take a moment to post another entry as a time of reflection. I noticed (again) that I had a template constructed and ready to be used, so I thought I’d use it as the hopper to toss my ideas and thoughts into. Let’s see what comes out:
First Things First
I’m doing a blog entry, isn’t that enough?
Sleep Log
less than normal, not enough, more than I’d like. I’ve been feeling blah lately, so I keep thinking more sleep might help, but really, it doesn’t seem to. I love the idea of a mere 3-4 hours a night, but I don’t like the physiological burn that I get in the afternoon following several of those days. The other thing I noticed, especially during the wedding planning was that sleep was far less necessary when there was a dream with a deadline rapidly approaching. I’m not sure that I sense that peril right now.
Humor
i’ve got my macbook pro now, and lots of people are surprised to know i’ve got one. I find it funny as I never knew that I developed so much clout for the pc side without ever really voicing any opinion on the matter.
Struggle
heather and I get to figure out the topic of sex. we both want more, but want it to be natural, and we’ll see where it goes. further, i’ve been funkified lately, so I’m looking forward to getting up out of that. I think it will be linked to my performance in our business, but we’ll see soon enough, I suppose.
Beauty
I have a beautiful wife. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.
Kindness
I guess I get to help nick develop his skillz sometime next week while he takes pictures of sterling.
Classes
not sure what this one is for. maybe what I’m learning? Learning to get back on the bandwagon for personal development.
Goals for Tomorrow
I’m still on today…
[okay, this is where i stop and get off this ride – I’ve gotta eat my pizza and get back to work. ttfn! -cb]
Something New (learned)
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)
I’ve been pretty good about posting – three days in a row now!Prior to this, I kept up well at my wedding site (http://codyjbennett.com/wedding) as it was fun to share with others the ongoings of the wedding life.
While I may continue several more posts from that experience, I’d also like to get back to the (slightly) more mundane posts here. An ongoing journal shows the experiences of life, and allows the day-to-day blur of life to be more obvious than when posts are separated by 2-3 months.
This morning I awoke at 4 am after going to bed at midnight (or so) and found myself up and getting a snack, going to the bathroom, and laying back down – only to realize that I was actually awake… So I got myself up and finished up the editing the wedding of Brian Thatcher & Julie Patz. Photos are right now exporting to a final state so that I can upload them to my site – it’s a great feeling to be complete and I look forward to sharing them with the couple (as well as Mom who contracted my services).
I still have to create a “Bride’s book” type thing, which will be interesting to see where that goes since there doesn’t seem to be any sort of clear explanation online at other photographers sites describing that product. We’ll see.
For now, I’m simply excited to be done, be another day closer to receiving my macbook pro, and to getting on down the tethered world of web surfing. 🙂
I guess I should probably make sure that I’m ready to roll for work and maybe even go in a bit early to get a mocha on the way! Ta-ta for now!
-cb
Long time no talk. I’m sitting here in bed next to my wife of a month, and enjoying some quiet time to reflect. Lately I’ve been working with Brad on a 90-day-eagle unit training set, and the first thing in the audio set is to articulate the dream. Today Heather & I had a chance to sit down and write and talk about the dreams of our hearts, and, I think it will take some practice & patience to get them inked in a way that they are real and understood.
Bill offered a “training” tonight, mostly focusing on the importance of the dream, and how to think of it to grow it within yourself. In the session, he rattled off a list of questions, which, while I won’t articulate them all in this post, I’ll start with answering them in this post and hopefully more. Read on for the goods.
The inking of the dream was suggested to be focused in Things, People & Feelings. Bill started in the things section with some prompts. Here’s the first one:
* What are 3-4 things that are really important to you?
Things that are important to me? Well, my family. As new as it is, treating Heather right and growing our relationship is of the utmost importance to me. I want to learn how to love her more and more every day and to remember to cherish her and our time together. Things that are important to me? Giving kids a chance in the world by building them up and not tearing them down. I am involved with big brothers big sisters because they helped me have a chance to stand on the shoulders of others as they tried to get a view over the wall. Helping others break cycles, learn from others, improve their lives is all important to me. Things that are important to me? Freedom. I used to call it security, but really, it’s more of a freedom issue. I kept multiple cars so in the case that one broke down, I could just take the other. I had multiple computers, or girls (as a youngster) because I wanted the freedom that it offered. Even now, as I’ve grown older, I realize that there is freedom in choosing one woman to be committed to, and for that, I’m excited.What things are important to me? Noticing and capturing life’s beauty all around us, in even the most “mundane” circumstances. The fact that you and I are animated is a miracle. Us humans can do all manners of things in the world, but creating life (not already existing) is something we have yet to achieve. I was created by a loving God, and while not everyone believes in God and what he does in their life, I know he doesn’t need them to exist. 🙂 Nonetheless, I want to show others, through His love in me, that they too are loved, and to always maintain an eye that while the outside may be tarnished, the inside is perfectly created by Him.