It’s just after 3am on a crisp December morning. It’s my birthday; a celebration of 29 years of experiences, joys & challenges, victories and defeats.
For some reason, this morning, or last night rather, my mind was drawn to the writings that Bill had passed to us on our wedding day 6 months ago. I realize that my life has been forever altered, and I realize that I’m more excited about that prospect now than I was then. What a pleasure to realize something so significant.
So, this morning, after sneaking out of the room just before 3, I went in search of the Readings of William. I grabbed them, sat down, and proceeded to clear out my inbox (thanks be to Facebook for soliciting all manners of comments.)
In my first reading, it’s Leo Buscaglia talking about Buckminster Fuller. I don’t know either of the gentlemen, but I have heard a quote or two from Leo centering around love. This particular passage that Bill had marked was (as I interpret it) about finding ones true self so that they could therefore share this joyful and unique person with another. Buckminster notes that we are not our bodies at whatever poundage we might currently reside, we are our minds, and that is a miraculous reality.
Specifically, I’m captivated by this line from the introduction to Mr. Fuller by Leo:
I, for instance, want you in my life because without you, my life will never be complete. But only when you find the you of you, will you have anything to give me, just as I must find the me of me. Why do I read? Why do I travel? Why do I listen? Why do I care? So that I can get more and more and more and share it with you — that’s the only purpose for having it.
What a great summary of why we’re here. To give to others, to learn from others, but only insomuch as to have collected into ourselves so that we can give it away.
…
It’s my 29th year on this earth, and I’m still searching for meaning. I have found and decided on love, and while my carnal self continues to pull me away from love, I have been better and better at exhibiting it. It’s an interesting journey to be sure, and while I don’t understand much of it, I’m excited for the next 29 years.
In the year of 2009, I have achieved the following:
…
For some reason, I’ve run out of steam on this particular post. I’m sure over the next few weeks I’ll be doing more pondering and have the chance to articulate the things I’m learning more clearly, but for now, that’s today’s b-day installment!
Best of wishes in your unique and miraculous live ahead.
-cb
Thanksgiving (yesterday) was a good day. We hosted it at the McGoey’s residence on Steelhead and throughout the day we had these folks come by:
Cody & Heather
Rekann Keppinger
Nick Henderson
Alex Marvel
Herbert Law
Carmen Musser
Carmen’s mother
Pat & Christin Grieser
Joe & Kristin Grieser
Robert, Heather & Connor Swanson
Scott, Emily & Alden Lockie
On the menu?
(only the * means not homemade)
Green Bean Casserole
24 lb turkey, with a bacon lattice covering,
Stuffing (meat and veggie)
Gravy
Spinach Salad
Yams/Sweet Potatoes
Apple Pie
ice cream*
Cranberry Apple chutney
Pumpkin Squares
Dinner Rolls*
I was up at just before 5, even before my alarm went off and I got to work on the stuffing. I didn’t really have any particular recipe that I was following; instead I took a look at several recipes online and kinda made it up as I went. I don’t know that it was a great mixup, but it was edible. Next up, latticing the turkey, and getting it in the cooker. That was easier than expected, but after I had the turkey in the cooker giving me a 8 hour window, I heard that the timing would only need 1/3 to 1/2 the time. 🙁 I had the bummer feeling of knowing that the turkey would be a little overcooked, but in the end, it went over well.
The apple pie recipe was pretty easy, but it’s incredibly important to follow all of the steps… I had missed the fact that I was supposed to pour the juice through the latticed top, and then the second time around (I made two) I had missed adding water to the sugar mixture, so it meant that I didn’t get the right consistency to the mixture. Go figure – I had to remake that batch.
The cranberry chutney was easy, and tasty. I have had the recipe for a while, but this was the first time I put it together. Very nummy.
On a separate note, the guests were good to have. We had a total of 18 people throughout the night, and I would wager that most of them were great additions. I found that having Heather Swanson and her son Connor present was a bit draining partly due to her harsh tone and reactions used to manage connor. No doubt she loves him, but her style is painful to watch.
All in all, it was a great day and fun to cook furiously. The fridge is quite full, so we’ll be eating leftovers for a while yet. 🙂
Till later,
-cb
How do you help people? Should you help them? How do you encourage people to grow themselves?
When other people ask those questions about me, how would I hope they respond? Should I tell them to continue pressing on? Should I tell them to give up hope? Push harder? Be gentler? What tactic works best to create the best instance of me?
When other people come into my life and find themselves sharing their load and burdens with me, what’s the best way I can handle the situation? I know that the best vehicle and tools that I have ever seen are to be found with worldwide and amway global. There is no close second. If I know that, why do I continue to hold back from reaching out to those I don’t know (or even those I do) to help encourage them to become better and more, and to abandon their present path, even though they cling to it from familiarity.
I just finished sitting with Sterling and Alex who relayed their concerns and challenges about a variety of topics, and the thing I kept thinking was simply that Bill had chatted with me yesterday very simply about the “Power of Association”.
I am destined for greatness. I am capable beyond all understanding. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Who am I to not be great? God has made me, and he done good.
And here I sit, late into the evening, and wondering still about my purpose; concerned at the divergence of purity and dilution. Do I keep on the straight and narrow, or do I venture off into the weeds and vines and get caught up with all that the Lord has left out of his picture. I know that He wants the best for me, and I want that too. It’s a trying experience to be so worldly, and to know that I’m destined for more. It leads people to guilt, not to lay down in His presence.
So again, I ask what shall I do with this hand I’m dealt. I live a moderately functional life, I know that I can have more, and I dearly want those I love and care about to want more for their lives too.
I want to be proud of the man that I am, and where I am going. If I sit quietly aside and watch my life head nowhere in particular, I’m left with the twang of pain and remorse and regret from the lack of action. Bedsores in life. I want to be a man who strives valiantly towards a greater good. To free the captives, to free my wife, to free others who want more out of life. Freedom Enterprises. Corny? Important.
And now we get close to 1am, and I’m still here typing. For some reason I’ve been thinking furiously and want to know that I’m a good man. My absence from work today was simply to hopefully recharge my spiritual batteries and to make an effort to fight the good fight. I spent 4 hours reviewing various worldwide talks from Maxwell, Tsika, and more and yet my heart still needs a burst of love and support from those I lean upon for love. I think I’ll just crawl into bed and cuddle with my wife and quietly wish for the strength to step out on faith and do the terrifying so that I can give her what she so desperately deserves.
So, for me, good night. For you, good day. And for all, good luck.
With love, sorrow, hope and more,
-Cody
From the 4-hour work week book, page 46.
Define your nightmare, the absolute worst that could happen if you did what you are considering. What doubt fears, and “what-ifs” pop up as you consider the big changes you can – or need – to make? Envision them in painstaking detail. Would it be the end of your life? What would be the permanent impact, if any, on a scale of 1-10? Are these things really permanent? How likely do you think it is that they would actually happen?
The worst that could happen is that I lose all of the important relationships in my life. First and foremost, it would be Heather and Bill. Financially, I’d be drained, if not in debt, and I would have no means to reproduce success. Emotionally? My self image and self esteem would be demolished. I would be without hope. How likely? Not very. Permanent? Not likely. Spiritually I would be separated and attacked.
What steps could you take to repair the damage or get things back on the upswing even if temporarily? Chances are, it’s easier than you imagine. How could you get things back under control?
More than likely it’s simply a matter of digging in deeply and focusing intensely on personal development and looking for ways to love others and serve them, without compensation.
What are the outcomes or benefits, both temporary and permanent, of more probable scenarios? Now that you’ve defined the nightmare, what are the more probable or definite positive outcomes, whether internal (confidence, self-esteem, etc.) or external? What would the impact of these more-likley outcomes be on a scale of 1-10? How likely is it that you could produce at least a moderately good outcome? Have less intelligent people done this before and pulled it off?
It’s all conjecture, of course, but I really don’t foresee significant problems with the development of myself and my company. There really is nothing better suited to compose a well under girded company while being actively involved in other things. It seems that the challenge is mostly involved with balancing or prioritizing the business plan that can better achieve the results of relational and financial success.
If you were fired from your job today, what would you do to get things under financial control? Imagine this scenario and run through questions 1-3 above. If you quit your job to test other options, how could you later get back on the same career track if you absolutely had to?
If I was fired, I would be able to live for several months without having to make an income. It would require a constricted lifestyle, mostly with regards to extraneous expenses. Food would no longer be used for feeding but fueling, and being intensely focused on the improvement of our situation.
What are you putting off out of fear? Usually, what we most fear doing is what we most need to do. That phone call, that conversation, whatever the action might be – it is fear of the unknown outcomes that prevents us from doing what we need to do. Define the worst case, accept it, and do it. I’ll repeat something that you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. As I have heard said, a person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. Resolve to do one thing every day that you fear. I got into this habit by attempting to contact celebrities and famous businesspeople for advice.
Everything great is being put off out of fear of growth and changing. I want to be comfortable with people, willing to share with them a new concept beyond their current framework, that exposes me to to the real but intangible risk of being critiqued for my non-standard efforts. People could call me soapy, they could ask me questions I don’t know the answer to, or they can give me a look of disdain or disapproval. I want to know that I am worthy, and in pursuit of a model that helps me to prove it, it stands to reason that folks might not see my energies as a worthy effort because of their own expectations that a job is the appropriate path.
What is it costing you – financially, emotionally, and physically – to postpone action? Don’t only evaluate the potential downside of action. It is equally important to measure the atrocious cost of inaction. If you don’t pursue those things that excite you, where will you be in one year, five years, and ten years? How will you feel having allowed circumstance to impose itself upon you and having allowed ten more years of your finite life to pass doing what you know will not fulfill you? If you telescope out 10 years and know with 100% certainty that it is a path of disappointment and regret, and if we define risk as “the likelihood of an irreversible negative outcome,” inaction is the greatest risk of all.
Financially: millions. In comparison with where I’ll end up, and how much more quickly I could be there through action in the present, there are literally millions on the line. I’ve been working at UAS for 10 years, made somewhere near a quarter of a million dollars, and yet had I built my company at first crack, I would have a residualized six digit income. By this time, it’s highly likely that I’ve kissed away more than just a single million. Sobering thought.
Emotionally: I’ve dealt with 10 years of self-doubt and critique. Inaction will only bring another 10 years more. My self worth and self love will continue to fade at my lack of “success” towards my goal of freedom, and it will effect my health both emotional and physical.
Phyiscally: as mentioned above, a lesser self image, and less available time to be in shape, I will only be fatter, more lethargic, prone to other health issues, and distress from the strain on my relationships. Naturally, the slight edge will have continued to stretch me in one direction or another. Furthermore, regarding physicality, I will be doomed to continue in the market of renting, never owning, or in a debt laden situation where my belongings are either low-quality, or not even owned by myself (aka, severe debt.)
What are you waiting for? If you cannot answer this without resorting to the previously rejected concept of good timing, the answer is simple: You’re afraid, just like the rest of the world. Measure the cost of inaction, realize the unlikelihood and repairability of most missteps, and develop the most important habit of those who excel and enjoy doing so: action.
Yup, it’s pretty straightforward, and largely articulated above. I have fear, of people, of myself, of my light. I fear rejection, I fear unacceptance, and at times, looking myself in the mirror.
Action is really the only option; inaction simply provides more of the same, more of the pain, and more of mediocrity.
I’ve been married for nearly 5 months, and while I’ve been able to keep away from other women in person, I notice my heart sometimes feels deceptive to my goal of faithfulness to my wife.
I love her deeply, and even though we experience challenges with communication or other things, I’m still deeply committed to making her life wonderful.
Lately, when we’ve had a bit of tension in our relationship, I see my acumen for focus on her as my one-and-only to be clouded. The other day there was an exchange with a gal at work which was more than suggestive. While I don’t think I have the capacity to follow through with such things, it makes me nervous that my wife isn’t the one constantly at the forefront of my mind.
It therefore becomes paramount for me to engage in a lifestyle that supports a long and well built relationship. To date, the most significant time that we’ve shared in pursuit of one another was during our honeymoon, after a week or more, when we were still in close quarters with the Wildes.
We were strongly sexed and excited to be intimate and close with oneanother. Now, I’m seeing my brain navigate toward other options including, but not limited to pornography and even a past fling and the fact that it would be nearly impossible for Heather to know that I was an adulterous spouse.
Fortunately, I don’t think I could keep quiet about such a dynamic in our relationship… and for that reason, I don’t think that I could follow through with such an action because I want to be transparent with my wife.
Well, she’s about done with the stuff on her list, so I’ll wrap this up. As much as I am excited at the thought of an illicit affair, I’m stoked to love my wife more deeply each day, week, month and year into the future.
We (I) will learn to be more faithful, less distracted and a better husband all around.
I love you Heather.
I’m sorry for my struggles, as I know that they pain you.
Lord, I’m ready to be taken over and directed to sure footing and safe travels. Help me to be the Husband you wish me to be for Heather, and to enact that role in such a way as to bring honor to you, and to be available to be used as an example to others. Help me dilute my polluted mind with your love, and the future that Heather and I have together. Amen.
Bill stopped by this afternoon to let us know that Brad Wolgamott would be kicked out of the WorldWide & Amway based on violations of cardinal rules. In my 10+ years of being around this business, this is the first time that such a public figure in the world of Amway has fallen so far. It only leads me to think of how badly I want to build huge walls in my life to keep me from the danger of doing the same thing. My brain has a tendency to go there, to not think of my wife first when it comes to the captivations of my life. It’s all too often that I feel that my heart is in a distant place, and I don’t want that. I continue to try to grow myself, and our relationship, but part of me feels bad that my efforts are not … I don’t know what I’m really trying to say. I guess the bottom line is that I don’t want this to happen for me. I want to be stronger, I want to be a man after gods own heart. I want to have a relationship like Dave & Jan Severn; or like Brad & Julie Duncan. It’s not that I want to be those people, but I want to grow myself in the system just like they have and achieved deepily caring relationships in their life. I want my wife to know that she is my first and only love, that she is far and away more important thna anything lese. That she captivates me. I want to know that my thoughts are only for her. I want to be at a place where if I think of sexual topics, she’s in the picturel that I don’t maintain any type of radio silence with her, no matter the topic. I want to know that she is loved deeply by me, and that I’m vulnerable in that love. For only through loving deeply can I hurt deeply, and while the pain of loss may be stong, the pain of never loving is a more pervasive thing. So, slight edge efforts for me: I want to love my wife deeply, for her to know that she is my best friend and that my energies are all directed towards her.
Anyhow, i’m going to nap now, but I just wanted to comment on this change of events and the astonishment of how someone who has been so resolute, cna also be so unauthentic. It’s a shame. Please lord, let me grow in your grace and good will for my life, and not the slight edge of death and sorrow.
It’s the morning of the 6th, marking the two month anniversary of our wedding. For some reason, yesterday, I found myself in some old habits again… Allowing past vices to sneak back into my life and try to challenge my sense of self worth.
I think the kickoff point may be my own thoughts about my own value – two weeks ago, we attended WWDB Family Reunion, and coming out of it with a new fire, I haven’t maintained the heat consistently. There are people all around looking for more out of life, and I don’t feel that I’m extending myself to them and their future. This is all to say that I don’t feel strong. Granted, Bill, Sharon & Heather all see me as strong and capable; why is it that I don’t have the same angle of viewing?
In conjunction with the feeling unworthy, yesterday at lunch I felt unimportant to Heather. Wow, that’s a way to put it. .But I can’t really see it being much different – it was lunch time, she was late, her comments were surrounding her, my involvement was merely as a verbal dump site rather than much in the way of engagement. But it’s interesting that I summarize things in this way – aren’t I just being selfish?
Time for shower & work…
As part of a married couples small group, Heather and I are now going through The Love Dare as offered up by the movie Fireproof. This first day talks about the concept of being patient with your spouse.
Some highlight points (exerpts):
As I think back on my days, I feel that, largely, I’m a patient man. In the book, it offered the example of what could be considered impatient, and in reflection, there are certainly times where I am impatient or distressed by something she’s done, and in those times, I can certainly put more focused energy towards expressng my love rather than feeling slighted by whatever thing happened.
Well, I don’t really recall if it was just a day ago that I put up the last template based post, but here’s the second half of that, to the best of my sleepy ability:
Something New (learned)
Attended a session about on-fire customer service, it was good, though a lot of the material was primarily repeat stuff. It was interesting at how he used media to intersperse his talk with visuals. 3 hours went by relatively quick.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Not really sure that I’ve been immersed enough in learning to have something new to apply. Something old? hmm… Check back with me another time.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Heather & I walked around this evening with just some quiet self time. It was interesting that as we were walking, we noticed Paul Kelly & Tanya Roust both living close by.
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
I think I might have prayed… oh yes, for a meal or two with heather. It was good, but I feel like I could dig a little deeper in that arena. I can’t say it feels entirely routine, but it sure is starting to lean in that direction without fostering my relationship.
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Walking about the valley for 2-3 hours was something physical. Sex before and after the walk was too. 🙂
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
I recall a bit of frustration with dealing with work. Not only the dynamic of being out of sorts regarding my present work situation, but also while approaching documentation today I was confronted with a wrinkle that makes my efforts doubled to design documentation.
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Heather & I, during our walk, had a chance to talk with one-another about several topics, from sex to the always enjoyed “do you feel loved by me” approach. I don’t know that I have clear answers, nor do I know how to navigate much of the world, but it was nice to connect with my wife and chat about some of the things that have been running under the surface for a while.
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Going on a hike tomorrow morning to get a sense for timing and for photography of the Lopez couple this next weekend. We might also do some Harry Potter (the latest movie was released this week) and we might even jump in on the tail end of a pampered chef event with anna-mariah. Napping might also be good since we’re committed to walking in the cancer-walk-a-thon thing tomorrow night/early morning.
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)
Journaling, thinking, building my relationship, and even a (very slight) bit of reading. It all adds up, does it not?
It’s lunch time and my pizza is rapidly cooking in the toaster oven (man I love those things!) I thought I’d take a moment to post another entry as a time of reflection. I noticed (again) that I had a template constructed and ready to be used, so I thought I’d use it as the hopper to toss my ideas and thoughts into. Let’s see what comes out:
First Things First
I’m doing a blog entry, isn’t that enough?
Sleep Log
less than normal, not enough, more than I’d like. I’ve been feeling blah lately, so I keep thinking more sleep might help, but really, it doesn’t seem to. I love the idea of a mere 3-4 hours a night, but I don’t like the physiological burn that I get in the afternoon following several of those days. The other thing I noticed, especially during the wedding planning was that sleep was far less necessary when there was a dream with a deadline rapidly approaching. I’m not sure that I sense that peril right now.
Humor
i’ve got my macbook pro now, and lots of people are surprised to know i’ve got one. I find it funny as I never knew that I developed so much clout for the pc side without ever really voicing any opinion on the matter.
Struggle
heather and I get to figure out the topic of sex. we both want more, but want it to be natural, and we’ll see where it goes. further, i’ve been funkified lately, so I’m looking forward to getting up out of that. I think it will be linked to my performance in our business, but we’ll see soon enough, I suppose.
Beauty
I have a beautiful wife. I’m looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.
Kindness
I guess I get to help nick develop his skillz sometime next week while he takes pictures of sterling.
Classes
not sure what this one is for. maybe what I’m learning? Learning to get back on the bandwagon for personal development.
Goals for Tomorrow
I’m still on today…
[okay, this is where i stop and get off this ride – I’ve gotta eat my pizza and get back to work. ttfn! -cb]
Something New (learned)
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise)
Something Slight Edge (what have I done that builds my future?)