I’m on a two day roll, and here’s the next question:

* If it weren’t for economic conditions and responsibilities, what would you do?

Economic conditions = current financial state. Economic Responsibilities = bills and the like. Responsibilities in general would suggest that I don’t need to worry much about the state of things that I’ve built for myself… Such as maintaining a residence, or following through on decisions I’ve made such as charity.

It’s an interesting question to ask because I think I’d gravitate towards changing a majority of my life – I like the idea of buying cool things that I’ve been waiting for, of travelling to all manner of places with very few plans. I like the idea of exploring and seeing the people of an area, much like the observing I do while hanging out in airports. Part of me wants to be involved, part wants to sit back and enjoy watching the magic of an unsuspecting people.

So, along this vein. If money were no object, and responsibilities were no longer an issue, I would not be going to work tomorrow. I would take the day off, finish the commitments I have given to others (namely photo processing), and then proceed to head out the road for a drive to see what there might be to find. Perhaps a hike, perhaps just communing with nature from the comfort of a car. Ooh, but before heading out, maybe I’d purchase an upgrade! 🙂

Part of the things I’d like to do without concerns is just to spend time with the people that I love and growing in our relationships together.

I expect that I would spend some time being relatively unproductive, until I decided that something more exciting would be in order. I’d like to do the taku lodge tour, and spend some time with Daniel or Matt up on the glacier or at least flying around in a helicopter.

Perhaps it just comes down to being free. Heather asked me today why I liked the song “Freedom” by The Goads. I don’t know that I have a clear articulation of it – I just know that it brings tears to my eyes to think about relaxing and being able to make choices without having my day dictated to me by a “superior”.

Long time no talk. I’m sitting here in bed next to my wife of a month, and enjoying some quiet time to reflect. Lately I’ve been working with Brad on a 90-day-eagle unit training set, and the first thing in the audio set is to articulate the dream. Today Heather & I had a chance to sit down and write and talk about the dreams of our hearts, and, I think it will take some practice & patience to get them inked in a way that they are real and understood.

Bill offered a “training” tonight, mostly focusing on the importance of the dream, and how to think of it to grow it within yourself. In the session, he rattled off a list of questions, which, while I won’t articulate them all in this post, I’ll start with answering them in this post and hopefully more. Read on for the goods.

The inking of the dream was suggested to be focused in Things, People & Feelings. Bill started in the things section with some prompts. Here’s the first one:

* What are 3-4 things that are really important to you?

Things that are important to me? Well, my family. As new as it is, treating Heather right and growing our relationship is of the utmost importance to me. I want to learn how to love her more and more every day and to remember to cherish her and our time together. Things that are important to me? Giving kids a chance in the world by building them up and not tearing them down. I am involved with big brothers big sisters because they helped me have a chance to stand on the shoulders of others as they tried to get a view over the wall. Helping others break cycles, learn from others, improve their lives is all important to me. Things that are important to me? Freedom. I used to call it security, but really, it’s more of a freedom issue. I kept multiple cars so in the case that one broke down, I could just take the other. I had multiple computers, or girls (as a youngster) because I wanted the freedom that it offered. Even now, as I’ve grown older, I realize that there is freedom in choosing one woman to be committed to, and for that, I’m excited.What things are important to me? Noticing and capturing life’s beauty all around us, in even the most “mundane” circumstances. The fact that you and I are animated is a miracle. Us humans can do all manners of things in the world, but creating life (not already existing) is something we have yet to achieve. I was created by a loving God, and while not everyone believes in God and what he does in their life, I know he doesn’t need them to exist. 🙂  Nonetheless, I want to show others, through His love in me, that they too are loved, and to always maintain an eye that while the outside may be tarnished, the inside is perfectly created by Him.

Last night, Heather & I had a bit of a rough spot in the communication arena. We haven’t had sex in a few days, and while I know she has been on her period, it seems she may be more interested in sex than I have been.

We were watching Harry Potter #5 last night, and I was feeling playful… biting arms & shoulders, kind of being a nuisance. Heather suggested that we pause the movie but I didn’t really respond. Later, after the movie was over, there was a bit of an explosion where it seems something had been stacking up for a while. Before she left on a 3 hour walk (at 2 am), she asked “why don’t you want me anymore?”

It’s not that. Maybe it’s related to my own self image? Maybe it’s tied to my recollection that for the past few months, we’ve had sex as a no-no. Maybe it’s that I don’t know how to initiate? Maybe it’s that I’ve been so busy trying to solve frustrations for Heather that I haven’t been getting my own love-tank filled? Maybe it’s cause I’m not living in the flow? Maybe it’s related to the lack of sleep? Maybe, maybe. The list goes on and on.

So, with her explosion and departure last night, she left. I don’t approve of how she handled it, it seems very childish & selfish, and uncaring. One thought I had to myself shortly after she left (or was it this morning at 5 when I was driving to pick her up?) was: When I am upset or frustrated beyond my wits end, what action can I take to bring repair to the challenge at hand?

Right now, as I think of that question, I realize that storming out of the house in a maddened state is not what I’m looking for. It communicated to me that she was mad at me, and the best resolution was to simply get away. Naturally, I know this may not be the reality of the situation, but with the tone and actions of our exchange last night, it’s easy to reach that conclusion. A more positive direction might be to suggest that while it’s late and we’re obviously going to have the opportunity to talk about sex in our relationship, I’m feeling frustrated, and would prefer to talk about things in the morning after more sleep and a bit more rational thought.

I also realize as I sit and think and type this morning that part of this issue is my fault to begin with. I haven’t been sexing my wife, and while I don’t know exactly what that means for her, and what she would like, part of my role as a generous, understanding, gentle and strong husband is to communicate with her and let her know that I’m thinking of her, and our situation.

It’s funny that I’m at a place where I realize I’ve been wronged, but while I sit here this morning, I’d rather apologize for my shortcomings that led to this wrongful place of conflict.

Kind of a silly title, but it’s why I’m posing again so soon. I find that heather & I are a warm duo in bed. If there’s any challenge to date, it’s that I’m not getting a lot of solid sleep at the moment. 

For some reason, my room has not dipped below 72 degrees in quite a while. I’ve opened doors & windows and set up fans, but still the temperature remains high. 

In the meantime, Heather obviously isn’t as affected by the heat. I wake up in the morning at the edge of the bed (either side, it seems) and her right up next to me. I enjoy snuggling, but it takes a lot for me to be able to sleep with any sort of consistency nowadays. 

Heather is still upstairs sleeping, and I’m downstairs, attempting to cool off, and getting a journal entry in while I’m at it. 

Such is love. 🙂

Yeah, it’s hard to translate a strong lisp from the Princess Bride into a journal subject line.

Let’s fast forward 8 weeks from the last post: I’m married.

Wait, what?

Yeah, that’s right, I’m married.

The proposal went well, and the engagement was a breeze – literally – it went by fast and all we could feel was the burn of not sleeping and a bit of a wind on our faces. I’m married now which is great, but brings complexities to the tune of not being sure where I stand. I have a ring on my finger, and I feel well prepared to be a husband, but there are still nagging elements to marriage that I’m not sure how to handle.

Take for instance my wife’s desire to be rid of her job, and to have me rid of mine. I don’t like working much, well, mostly the alarm portion of the process, and I don’t like my wife answering to another collection of dictators who don’t take into considerations her specialties and capabilities.

I want to be a Double Eagle Ruby, but that pursuit scares me. I don’t have a track record that suggests I know how to do it, I feel hesitance to run out the door and get it done, but yet, there’s a fire underneath wanting to do everything in my power to provide my wife what it is that she wants and needs. There’s the crutch: am I capable, and am I worthy of success?

Maybe part of my issue is a comparison game to those who have gone before me. I don’t see the Bill Wildes & Brad Wolgamotts to be riddled with self doubt and fear of the unknown, because they’ve already overcome those things. I don’t see those guys afraid to be fearful, and yet having the courage to step out on faith and do it.

Faith is a funny thing. It brought me here, to marriage, with no earthly explanation for my pursuit of it. When it all comes down to it, it feels right to be married to heather. I am at peace with it. I guess I’m focusing too much on the details of going ruby, the plans needed, the clients needed, the downline needed, and not just focusing on how right it feels to move forward in that direction helping others achieve their hopes and dreams. It’s taken me a dozen years to get to this place, and I feel less worthy of acheiving big goals because I wasn’t some hot-shot two-percenter guy. I’m a nobody from Juneau, Alaska just hoping to do some thing right — something bigger than myself.

I want to have the means to bless others. My wife, my self, my family, my friends, my community, my world. I need funds to do it, and I’m not sure I understand the steps it requires for me to acheive it. I make things too complicated. When getting married, I was required to check in with trusted friends (“I’m not crazy, am I?”) and then get to moving on it (“will you marry me?”) to excecuting the party (“when? where? how?”). It was one step at a time, with little sleep, moving furiously towards a goal. I made lists, purchased things, put life on hold, and kept running towards the finish line.

With a double-eagle ruby business, I would have the finances to travel at my whim, treat my wife first class, be retired from our dayjobs if we so choose, drive safer cars, enjoy some of the latest technology, and put massive amounts of money into savings to boot.

I recognize that building an amway business is just a matter of turning the numbers. We develop households into shopping units who purchase consistently, and of those, some will self-identify as business builders with greater dreams and aspirations.

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed with the process of getting from here to there. In my engagement though, I just held tightly to the feeling of peace in my choice, and the understanding that it would all work itself out by His hand. I guess that’s the case in this instance too. I can sit back and be fearful, or I can press forward in faith. I choose faith, but I’m not sure how. I need a guide to help place my steps in the process. I’m capable of lifting my foot, but not confident in its placement. I need the path.

It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.

So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge.  The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.

Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.

So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.

There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.

I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.

Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂

-me.

I’ve committed to another batch of core. We’ve got a group of winners digging in to do a week at a time to grow themselves, stretch and achieve.

It’s been good to be back on the bandwagon, but the fears are still there and real.

I want to figure out myself to grow past some of those things such as transitioning folks through the pipeline sheet. I may have the ability to grow someone from a name to a prospect, or perhaps even show them the plan in some cases, but often getting things to a deeper involvement of following up and HELPing other people seems to be a slow part. Fortunately, I am a new person through christ. I am a mirror to reflect his power, glory and love. As he wishes, he gets, provided I can learn to put Him first.

Lots of learning yet to be done.

Today, core has consisted of the following:

cds. Listened to the Brad & Julie Duncan Rally 3 times today, and the thing I caught most from it is my likeness to Brad in that I just want to be FREE. I want to sleep in, I want to explore, I want to roll over and kiss my wife, not roll out to work. I want to be solely committed to my wife. I want to be solely committed to my business. I want to breathe life into others through my efforts with my business. I want to be an encourager, an uplifter, a life giver.

books. Additionally, we (as a group) are reading from Created for Excellence. I’m reading out of the first chapter which is speaking specifically towards vision. In the margin, I took some notes that I thought worthy to comment on here. It’s in the area where the book is asking me to write my personal vision. Perhaps writing it here will help me to articulate it so that I can put the answer on the lines and send it back up to Bill rather than being held back through my lack of clarity.

To start with, my strengths to be aware of what I am naturally inclined towards: Belief, Harmony, Deliberative, Analytical, Developer.

* Empower & support dreams of others
* Encourage others
* Overcome adversity
* Bestow love, attention & passion to people I meet.
* Reveal (latent?) inherent greatness within kids and adults alike.
* Men maker
* Discover/uncover/reveal greatness within people
* Master of my own circumstances
* Duncan says, “Blow God’s mind with your response.”
* Hold no bitterness – have grace with all.

The lord is teaching me to move and act before I have all of the answers. As I understand my vision more clearly, I’ll be sure to post again.

Personal Use. vitamins, xs, water, Parmesan, cookies, snackbar, rhodiola, rice, and maybe some more. I ate a salad, fruits & veggies that came from full circle farms or safeway. A pretty good day towards pers. use.

Retail clients. Sharon indicated that the best and most consistent clients are those who find water, twist tubes and xs to be on their shopping list. Ove rthe next few days, I’ll think more on how I can develop clientelle in that category.

counsel. accountability. I had a conversation about an interaction that Bill had earlier in the day with Elly’s girlfriend. She had snuck behind his back to do some laundry after he explicitly explained that it was an expense that she is not paying for and then left. Part of me is completely in agreement that she was in the wrong, but part of me wonders if Bill might be reacting more strongly than necessary. I guess it’s in where you draw the line, but I certainly see both sides, and personally disagree with Molly’s approach.

Voicemail. I’ve kept up with kate today, though I haven’t yet send out a message of my own to bill.

btw, I did pickup too.

premier. listening to CDs, but also initiated the download of nearly 90 more mp3s for adding to my library.

stp. 4 new names, three additional touches. Would like to be more intentional about making touches with an eye towards developing them as business partners.

====

Another topic that I’m fiercely engaged in is the state of the relationship that I hold with Heather. ach day, I think I am closer and closer to asking for her hand in marriage, but I don’t feel comfortable with following through before I clearly articulate my weaknesses and talk openly about what I consider to be some of my darkest secrets. I don’t want to have secrets in the relationship, and in this situation, I want her to be on my side.

I’m trying to re-locate my Fit to be Tied book to re-cover the first portion of the bigger blocks to make sure I’m making a decision with my feet on the ground. rather than just my head in the clouds.

the confusion and obfuscation of what the future holds is becoming less gripping as I reach the conclusion that I will never be beyond uncertainty, but I can choose to make the big decision and then work daily to make those decisions reality.

God extends his power and grace to me, and through Christ, I can do all things.

Yup, today was the first day back of 2009. It was a busy day, and my voice is mostly gone. It makes for an interesting dynamic at the office as I cannot really answer the phone much. 

I left early today in hopes of sleeping and resting and relaxing, but really, I had a short nap, and then I was back at the computer, and other miscellaneous items for the evening. 

Heather and I are working to figure out which dreamnight to go to now that it’s a last-minute ticket purchasing sort of thing. Unfortunately, with less than two weeks before the last one, we’re dealing with just a few options. Through our winnowing tonight, it looks like I’ll be visiting either Las Vegas or Honolulu. Honolulu sounds more exotic, but with 8+ hours of just flight time to get there (and again on the way back), it seems like a weekend of flying punctuated by a brief dreamnight. I guess we’ll see how it all works out. I’d like to see the speakers in HI, but NV seems like the more prudent decision (faster trip, etc). 

Charity & I have continued to email back and forth; we’ll see what kind of information she reveals. At the moment, I feel like I might know a little more about her because of my googling (married before?) But I don’t know if those are topics she’ll share. 

Prints came in for the Goldbelt Holiday party… I want to get some doublesided tape to adhere my business card, but then they’ll be ready to deliver. Unfortunately, the 8×10 print was crushed, even though the envelope says “photos, please don’t bend”, but perhaps english directions are a bit too much for our United States Postal Service. I kinda feel like there’s no route for repair either… Sigh. I’ll send a note to SmugMug tomorrow to see what they might recommend. 

OH, speaking of photography stuff, I bought the 70-200mm VR 2.8 lens today. I’m not sure when it’ll ship, or precisely what it’ll cost, as it was bought via ebay, but we’ll find out when I get a note from the dude, hopefully tomorrow. 1250 base price, plus shipping, so I think I got it at a relatively good price. 

Alright, I’ll go check that one last email chime and then head to bed. 

g’nite.

So, tonight I took a few hundred shots at the Statehood Ball located at the Centennial Hall. It was a great event with wonderful energy, despite most of the audience being of the older generations. It was cool to see that everyone could still move pretty nimbly and have a great time. 

Interesting thought… One person had been married today and was in the audience – what a great way to arrange for your wedding day to be on a date that has some other celebration so you could piggy-back on the decorations, food, and live performances of the day/evening! 

As I think back on my evening, one thing stands out… Charity. She’s a bombshell of a gal who works for Mark Kelley doing some of his business management. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t know how to dance, and so felt awkward, and more comfortable as a wallflower. 

First of all I felt a bit of guilt for seeing her and thinking about how good she looked in the long, red, backless dress. Long brown hair, slender figure, and a great smile. That aside, I thought that it would be nice to learn how to dance with someone who doesn’t feel confident with dancing… I think the challenge that I run into is feeling self conscious of my own dancing with others, and in that, I’d feel less awkward if I knew the other person was more likely to be thinking about their own performance!  

So, as a parting moment, I did tell Charity that she looked great on the dance floor, and gave her my card and suggested that she check out the site in the next couple of days. Who knows if she’ll be in touch, but wow… 

I wish that weren’t the case though. I think about my relationship with Heather and want to be in a place of confidence and security. Do I want to continue to be single for the rest of my life? I could certainly make that choice. “Settling down” now doesn’t have to happen… I get the sense that if I wanted to marry Heather, she’d say yes. That scares me though, I want to feel like I will be a confident and reassuring husband, and if I’m cursed with seeing other women and being drawn towards them, that is no way to continue. 

Tomorrow there is supposed to be fireworks in the valley, for the first time ever. Should be a good show – same people who set off the fireworks for the 4th and there are around $10,000 worth of em too!  I hope to go over to the area and scope out the scene before it gets dark… perhaps even talk to the coordinators. Should be fun. I ought to get a bit of sleep though as I can feel my throat would appreciate it. 🙂

Heather & I walked to her house today, and had a lovely chat along the way. During the conversation, she mentioned that I am the most important person in her life. I’m not sure if I mis-heard it, but nonetheless, whether those were the exact words or not, that was the gist. I realized with my darkness and the fact that I have been having sex with other women behind her back, the pain she stands to experience is immense. It’s terrifying to me that I might inflict that kind of pain on another… and yet, when I think about it, if Heather were to drop that kind of message or situation on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt… I don’t know if it’s cause I have the ability to confine things to different parts of my brain or whatnot. 

That got me to thinking… why am I not vulnerable? What is it about vulnerability that scares me? I have multiple cars, multiple computers, bikes, women I sleep with… the list goes on I’m sure. But really the summary question is simply: why? is it because I grew up in a home that didn’t have much in the way of things that I could enjoy without fear of losing it? Is it somehow related to the fact that my father abandoned me, even unknowingly because of his choices for other things before choices for a family? Is it because I find myself unwilling because I want o be SEEN as strong by other people? 

Why do I desire to be in control? to understand? what is it about that control and that sense of clarity that helps me? 

I’m not sure if this will be continued another time, but it’s something to ponder on. 

I’m getting up early in the morning to attend Heather’s exam/xray review at Dr. Shepro’s. Then I have a morning meeting with Penny about being a second shooter… then I head downtown to connect with Mischelle and her cohorts working to coordinate the 50th anniversary party… then, who knows. 

g’nite. vulnerable one… 

Listened through Genesis 13, though I’m not sure the value I get to listening to the story, vs reading and looking at the footnotes, etc.