February 28, 2007
I stopped out to my Mom’s house to drop off a couple of items and to visit. Upon arriving, I found the house to strongly smell of something. It seemed that Shane had decided to mix a large amount of oil essences in a pan of water and it smelled strongly. It was obvious that my mom didn’t like it as she was covering her face hoping to shield the scent.
Much of the conversation was scattered with Shane. He brought up concerns about past interactions (specifically, during a recent trip to Nebraska, I had a friend watch his dogs – he was concerned about their welfare, whether or not they were mistreated, unhappy or poisoned.). I consoled his concerns, and he moved on to other subjects, but most of the time, the converasation was, at best, confusing.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
2006-06-13 – Journaling – How do I want to be liked?
Hey there me, how are you?
I’m at lunch. It’s nice because I decided to stay on campus and do a little journaling. So now I’m listening to John Maxwell’s Influencer 2 training, and drinking a lovely Cherry XS.
On my way over here, I thought that it’d be nice to do another Letter to Helen, like I did last night. It was a nice way to get my feelings out, and though I’m not sure that she’ll ever read them, it’s neat to see me being honest with myself and my own struggles.
Journaling
May 30, 2006
Wow. So, things can change on you all of s sudden. I’m 25 and five months, and Helen is under the impression that she might be pregnant. Holy smokes. What a wakeup call.
I don’t know what to think at the moment. Bill gave the suggestion that I would be wise to look at how my father was to see if there are any correlations between myself and his actions. From the little I know and can pull together, I’m his spitting image.
I seek validation from women (he had two children, 6 weeks apart.) I am mechanically and analytically inclined (he was a mechanic for many years.)
Journaling
April 3, 2006
“Why not me?” she asks.
Well, why not?
Helen has been a great friend and girlfriend, and many people would be lucky to have a chance with a girl like her. And if that’s the case, why is it that I’m not willing to take on the responsibilities of being hers?
She feeds me constantly, provides massage nearly every day, and is willing to engage in sex whenever I’m interested. If guys only knew how good I have it, they’d be fools to not want the same thing.
So, if that’s the case, why is it that I’m considering dating Heather?
Journaling
Monday, March 27, 2006
Where to start?
It’s been a while since I’ve stopped in to write an entry in my trusty journal. I was doing so good at the beginning of the year, though they were somewhat short, generally. It’s now late March, and I’m realizing that checking in from time to time would be valuable.
The initiator, more than checking in, of course, is women related. I’m 25, and on the whole, I enjoy life, but I still feel a lacking presence from time to time. Recently (within the past month or so) there has been a fondness developed with Heather Beaudette. She’s fun, smart, and good looking. We’ve talked about what a relationship might mean to one another, but there hasn’t been anything decided, and perhaps that’s where my confusion lies. We have indeed done some significant “making out”. Fun, yes. Fulfilling? No, not quite.
This last weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday) I happened to spend a fair amount of time with Heather. Thursday night after Yoga, we went out to dinner, and then I took her home. Friday, after work, we spent some time at Ultimate before I saw her in a knockout gown, headed for the UAS Spring Fling thing. (And boy did I wish at that point that I had gone with!) Saturday, we bonded first before work at 1, after 5 for a couple hours, and then again from dinner time until around 3:30 in the morning. Sunday morning we were together again doing homework. What a marathon weekend.
In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it talks about beginning with the end in mind. Perhaps that’s the step that I’m skipping here, and may be allowing whatever this is to develop faster than might be reasonable. So, smarty-pants, what does that “end” look like?
It’s a relationship of best friendshitp. It’s a relationship of value, and responsibility & commitment. It’s a relationships of love. I see social activities as a strong component of the relationship, and to a much lesser extent, it is less focused on physical fulfillment. It’s a relationship where sharing experiences is fostered and where we can learn from eachother. I see trading massages, and laughing lots. Cooking together and holding hands nearly every day. I envision growth. It will be a relationship that study, and encouragement to be better people abounds. It’s a haven from the intensities of the world: not a hiding place nor a dumping place, but a recharging place.
So that, of course, will solicit inquiry from Helen: “So why not me?” Why not? Hmm… Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been straightforward for much of our relationship, and the guilt that I feel for being distracted by other women is very real. I initially indicated that I was interested in breaking up so that I could learn some things about myself, and that I have. I don’t like the guilt associated with holding information back, whether I’m at fault, or just nervous of how it will be taken.
So what do I do about all this? Do I continue with Heather, kissing and spending time getting closer and closer? We both know that hormones are raging, and it seems relatively easy to take it to a place where we bring sex into the relationship. Do I want to go there?
Well, actually, no. I like the sensation of sex, and at times the connectedness that it offers, but I usually find in my reflection of past actions that it creates expectations. And with expectations (spoken or not), I may not be in a place to maintain them. The possibility of pregnancy is very real. And frankly, I’ve been a lucky man so far. Testing my luck seems downright ludicrous.
Why Heather & why now?
Do I want to date and be a committed boyfriend that is thoughtful and considerate? Do I think I can hold up that end of a bargain? Do I know what she’s looking for in a relationship? Can I provide those things?
What is God’s will for my life? Well, I know that he wants me to be obedient. When I think of that question, I think of my business and how it can radically change my current and future life. It enables me to bless others and to create a legacy.
I don’t really know when this was articulated; I found it in a steno notebook and had cut it out, for documenting, but there was no nearby date mentioned. Just pages after this, there is a note indicating “2005”, but that’s pretty vague and doesn’t give context for this posting. At any rate, here it is:
Dreams
What could be? Without resource limitations; without mental barriers. With a team of World Wide Special Forces, what will we accomplish?
Monday the 3rd – that’s 3 days in a row. I think I’m starting this out pretty good. I hope to take a bit of time today to plan out what I expect my week to look like, and to get a bit of scheduling done so that I can be assured that I’ll get my reading done, and still have time for the other things that I have planned (like Ultimate tonight.)
Last night Helen and I had another “talk”. It went as usual, spending long enough talking about what we don’t really think is a good idea, until we’le weak enough that we just go ahead and do it. I recognize that I am pretty weak – the control that I have of my hormones is relatively slim. I wonder what I can do to reinforce my strengths? I know that it’s all about changing the thoughts that I have, but even that at times can seem daunting.
I sold the Linksys PC card today, listed the USB-Ethernet adapters on Amazon, and set up the WUSB11 for sale on ebay. I’m getting pretty close that I can purchase the camera soon. Good times. 🙂
This morning I listened to the Hawkins and Heads leadership tape. Yesterday was the Rod & Rowena Jao Rally.
Reading Notes:
The Purpose Driven Life Day 3: What drives your life? This chapter did a good thin in asking the question of what the driving force in your life is – whether it’s failure forming negatives (fear, guilt, anger, materialism, or the need for approval) or Purpose driven (knowing your purpose provides: meaning in life, simplification in life, focus in life, motivates your life, and prepares you for eternity. (p. 29, “…one key to failure is to try to please everyone.”; p. 30, “…No man can serve two masters.”)
Scriptures to look up:
* Jeremiah 29:11
* Ephesians 3:20
Jeremiah 29:11, “‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.”
Ephesians 3:20 (paraphrased from “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,”) to “God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think!” Sweet!
The Richest Man in Babylon outlined seven steps to cure a empty purse. They are:
1) Start thy purse to fattening; Save 10% of your income. You won’t miss it because if it was empty before, it meant that you didn’t have enough, and if you save 10%, you still won’t have enough, but you’ll begin your legacy.
2) Control thy expenditures; Budget your money so that you can pay for the needed expenditures, and to know how much you have available for the desired expenditures. Don’t you dare spend more than you earn!
3) Make thy gold multiply; Use compounding interest scenarios. Offer the money to lenders who pay you a rent for holding your money (like the money market account that I have). Have continuing contribution too for more effectivity!
4) Guard thy treasures from loss; Invest only in safe places. Don’t make risky investments, even with friends. Counsel with people who know more about finances than yourself by proof of their results, not credentials. Let their wisdom protect your treasure from unwise investments.
5) Make of thy dwelling a profitable investment; AKA: buy your own home. It talks about allowing for your wife to be able to make a home of her residence, rather than just inhabiting the place. As of yet, I don’t have a wife, and I think that it may be alright to not take this step yet. Perhaps it would be good to counsel on the matter.
6) Insure a future income; Build your business! Have an income stream! It talked about having investments that generate income, and then taking that newly generated income to be able to reinvest it for the future – not to pull it out and waste it. Remember: this is a long term process for the future, not for the pleasures of now.
7) Increase thy ability to earn; Cultivate your skills and knowledge “…to so act as to respect thyself. Thereby shalt thou acquire confidence in thyself to achieve thy carefully considered desires.”
Travelling Light talked about the sensation of a jungle, and explained how many people feel afraid, anxious and hesitant in the world today, because they are without skills or tools of navigating the jungle. It then proceeded to assail those fears by Jesus’s presence to lead you out. You say, “Where’s the trail? Where are we going?” He says, “Follow me, I am the way.”
Genesis 6-7 recalled Noah’s process of being called to build the Arc, through the earth’s flooding. I found it interesting that his family was able to go along as well – I suppose it’s an example of when the leadership is right, the family is right.
Matthew 3 was about Jesus’ baptism. John felt unworthy, yet still went ahead as requested, because he was requested. It was a humbling experience where he likly realized more clearly the need for baptism if even Jesus needed it “to fulfill all righteousness.”
Day 2 of the year down, or at least mostly. Last night I watched the final movie of LOTR trilogy – all 250 MINUTES OF IT! John and Mariah stayed up to kiss and flirt and talk even after my 3:40 bed time. And then of course, this morning, John and I had a talk about the whole relationship world – it’s tough when you have hormones AND common sense – sometimes they really conflict.
Lets see, Helen called me silly, mostly because she caught me with my pants down while she was dropping off laundry for me. I must admit that I feel silly about being so prone to such carnal desires.
I met with Eileen today and made another $65 tutoring. It started out with about 40 minutes of chatting about her recent preformance review. It’s nice to be able to reach a deeper level with her. I had intended to ask her if she was interested in attending Dreamnight, but chickened out so I feel a bit weak there.
Next went to see my brother at the Mental Health Unit (MHU). Every time I see him, it’s strange because I just don’t match him any longer, and he’s still drawn onto the blood connection. I don’t know how much of him is him, and how much is the drugs, and how much might be whatever medical condition he’s working with. This evening he revealed that he stole a jacket from the Nugget Outfitter, so I let him know of my perspective, and then left – mostly because I didn’t have a lot to say to him, other than that I disagreed with his choice to steal, and that it was illegal, and I hoped that he would make amends at some point.
Next, came home to get a bite to eat, and then run to the post office to mail off the Return of the King that someone had bought from me over ebay – my paypal account is getting nicely round. I’ll be getting a Digital Camera in no time flat.
Last night before going to bed, I picked up The Richest Man in Babylon as it was a suggested reading a while back – it’s about finances and the laws surrounding them. I read another chapter this morning.
This evening I read another chapter from Travelling Light about reducing worry in our lives. The core point that I picked up on was that God will support us when the time comes because he leads us (example of the father handling the details and distributing tickets at the appointed time, not too late, not too early).
I also read Genesis 3-5 and Matthew 2. Gen 3-5 talk about Eve being deceived and then God talking with them about that. It left off by leading the lineage into Noah’s time. Matt 2 was about Jesus’s birth and the 3 wise men coming to greet him, and then Herod (the king of the area) wanting to have Jesus killed.
Lastly I read the 2nd chapter/day of the Purpose Driven Life. It’s core subject was that I am not an accident, and that God has created me for His purpose.
Verse to remember: “I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.”
Well, it is January first and today has been a good one. Last night I went to bed early (3:00 am) so that I could get up this morning and do some serious thinking on my mission & values. It was a good time.
I followed the PlanPlus tools through the process of creating a mission statement and a mission journey and a value statement, and then went to brunch at Mi Casa to look over my notes and have some quiet time eating food. It turned out that I was easily distracted from my efforts because of the next booth’s comments. It seemed that two older women were talking about the implications of alcohol in youth today, and not in a “that’s not so good” perspective either – they were talking about how their alcohol habits had been strong, but they were able to stay out of bad situations like date rape, and that girls these days (as well as boys) to some extent are at fault for the challenges that they both endure. It was interesting to overhear.
After brunch, I came back home to find that someone had purchased the WMP-11 (wireless equipt.) through ebay, so I got that packaged and dropped in the mail, stopped by Tommy’s to give him his gift of Wild at Heart and The Dream Giver, and then came home for a nap. After the nap, I listened to Brad Duncan’s Leadership talk while looking through dream photo cutouts in my binders.
Next, onto reading.
I plan to read the entirety of the bible this year, so I’ll be making notes as I go. Today’s reading will be Gen 1-2, & Matthew 1.
Also, I read Chapter 5 of Travelling Light – it talked about getting rest as part of life to be more productive.
Finally, I read the first (of 40) day/chapter of The Purpose Driven Life. It talked about how my purpose is not so much mine, as it is God’s, bestowed to me. He has already created it, and it is up to me to have it revealed to me, and then to apply it.
Verse to remember: “Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b (Msg)