It’s the eve of the eve of my engagement day. Heather has no clue, and partly due to that, I feel anxious, like a boy about to ask someone out on their first date. “E” has been the code name I have been using for myself to title notes about my upcoming engagement to Heather, and though it’s not particularly well hidden, I think my covert preparations have been working well. I’ve got a ring. It’s a hum-dinger, ringing (forgive the pun) in at just over $3000. Youch. But, considering the fact that this is to be something that will remain with her for the next 100 years and beyond, it’ll turn out alright. I even turned down a nice ring that was only $1800. I guess the heart leads you to do weird things.
So far, the plan is to take a knee at dinner on Sunday night of this year’s Spring Leadership. Good friends, excellent energy, and committing to something huge. The scope of it baffles me. It should be something easy, like going for a walk, but I find myself getting caught up in the responsibility of it all.
Well, to speak towards the “free” part of the title explains more why I am willing to move ahead with this decision. Recently, Heather & I spoke about my lacking faithfulness over the past 2 years. It hurt my heart to say it, but it allowed her to explain her acceptance of me, and for me to get it off my chest. In the experience, I feel let free of the bondage that I have been held to for so long. I’m 28 now, so beginning 8 years ago with Mika, I found myself on a path seeking salving of wounds, without finding any peace. Now, I’ve turned a leaf with God’s help and feel released from the bondage that I’ve been in for so long. Thanks goes to Heather and her patience, God and His, and the encouragement of people who are following a narrow path and setting an example.
So why am I interested in Marriage now, and not ever before? Well, Heather is incredible. She is patient, kind, respectful, loving, supportive and most of all forgiving. She enables me to grow through the challenges of my life and constantly sees me through eyes that desire me to be a better person, but not in a demanding way – in the same way that I see her. I want her to be a princess in the kingdom and to be loved and cherished and to be blissfully happy.
There are still many unknowns though… Heck, I haven’t even had a chance to speak with her father yet. We crossed paths on Wednesday, but as he’s busy with dozens of middleschoolers, he didn’t have time to talk. I will call on Sunday to connect and hope that everything works smoothly. But, that’s a minimal concern. More significantly, I’m not sure what to expect getting back to “real life” after the announcement. I don’t know how to explain it to Helen without breaking her heart. In fact, I don’t think that I can.
I just pray that she will use it to her power, and that she will support me in my decisions. I pray for a lot of things these days. To know. To have peace. To have clarity and calmness of thoughts.
Well, I’ll write again sometime in the not-so-distant future. Best to keep my eyes on the prize, and my wits about me. 🙂
-me.
I’ve committed to another batch of core. We’ve got a group of winners digging in to do a week at a time to grow themselves, stretch and achieve.
It’s been good to be back on the bandwagon, but the fears are still there and real.
I want to figure out myself to grow past some of those things such as transitioning folks through the pipeline sheet. I may have the ability to grow someone from a name to a prospect, or perhaps even show them the plan in some cases, but often getting things to a deeper involvement of following up and HELPing other people seems to be a slow part. Fortunately, I am a new person through christ. I am a mirror to reflect his power, glory and love. As he wishes, he gets, provided I can learn to put Him first.
Lots of learning yet to be done.
Today, core has consisted of the following:
cds. Listened to the Brad & Julie Duncan Rally 3 times today, and the thing I caught most from it is my likeness to Brad in that I just want to be FREE. I want to sleep in, I want to explore, I want to roll over and kiss my wife, not roll out to work. I want to be solely committed to my wife. I want to be solely committed to my business. I want to breathe life into others through my efforts with my business. I want to be an encourager, an uplifter, a life giver.
books. Additionally, we (as a group) are reading from Created for Excellence. I’m reading out of the first chapter which is speaking specifically towards vision. In the margin, I took some notes that I thought worthy to comment on here. It’s in the area where the book is asking me to write my personal vision. Perhaps writing it here will help me to articulate it so that I can put the answer on the lines and send it back up to Bill rather than being held back through my lack of clarity.
To start with, my strengths to be aware of what I am naturally inclined towards: Belief, Harmony, Deliberative, Analytical, Developer.
* Empower & support dreams of others
* Encourage others
* Overcome adversity
* Bestow love, attention & passion to people I meet.
* Reveal (latent?) inherent greatness within kids and adults alike.
* Men maker
* Discover/uncover/reveal greatness within people
* Master of my own circumstances
* Duncan says, “Blow God’s mind with your response.”
* Hold no bitterness – have grace with all.
The lord is teaching me to move and act before I have all of the answers. As I understand my vision more clearly, I’ll be sure to post again.
Personal Use. vitamins, xs, water, Parmesan, cookies, snackbar, rhodiola, rice, and maybe some more. I ate a salad, fruits & veggies that came from full circle farms or safeway. A pretty good day towards pers. use.
Retail clients. Sharon indicated that the best and most consistent clients are those who find water, twist tubes and xs to be on their shopping list. Ove rthe next few days, I’ll think more on how I can develop clientelle in that category.
counsel. accountability. I had a conversation about an interaction that Bill had earlier in the day with Elly’s girlfriend. She had snuck behind his back to do some laundry after he explicitly explained that it was an expense that she is not paying for and then left. Part of me is completely in agreement that she was in the wrong, but part of me wonders if Bill might be reacting more strongly than necessary. I guess it’s in where you draw the line, but I certainly see both sides, and personally disagree with Molly’s approach.
Voicemail. I’ve kept up with kate today, though I haven’t yet send out a message of my own to bill.
btw, I did pickup too.
premier. listening to CDs, but also initiated the download of nearly 90 more mp3s for adding to my library.
stp. 4 new names, three additional touches. Would like to be more intentional about making touches with an eye towards developing them as business partners.
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Another topic that I’m fiercely engaged in is the state of the relationship that I hold with Heather. ach day, I think I am closer and closer to asking for her hand in marriage, but I don’t feel comfortable with following through before I clearly articulate my weaknesses and talk openly about what I consider to be some of my darkest secrets. I don’t want to have secrets in the relationship, and in this situation, I want her to be on my side.
I’m trying to re-locate my Fit to be Tied book to re-cover the first portion of the bigger blocks to make sure I’m making a decision with my feet on the ground. rather than just my head in the clouds.
the confusion and obfuscation of what the future holds is becoming less gripping as I reach the conclusion that I will never be beyond uncertainty, but I can choose to make the big decision and then work daily to make those decisions reality.
God extends his power and grace to me, and through Christ, I can do all things.
Recently I met someone online that immediately seemed to be out for sex.
Though I don’t understand why I was chosen, other than I have a nice profile picture, I feel compelled to reflect on the premise of validation. What am I validated by? Answer that, and it tells a much broader picture of who I am inside. Perhaps not who I am in essence, but what my focus is on presently.
I keep coming back to feeling powerful when women are attracted to me. I feel powerful when I have some semblance of control
[and pause for 2 months…]
It’s now March 9th, and I figure that I might not be planning to finish this post anytime soon. I’ll just post it and call it good. Maybe someday I’ll write another, but then again maybe not. Time will tell. 🙂
[fast forward to July 15th, and I find that it didn’t publish back then… publishing now, and giving it a date of Jan 9.]
So, tonight I took a few hundred shots at the Statehood Ball located at the Centennial Hall. It was a great event with wonderful energy, despite most of the audience being of the older generations. It was cool to see that everyone could still move pretty nimbly and have a great time.
Interesting thought… One person had been married today and was in the audience – what a great way to arrange for your wedding day to be on a date that has some other celebration so you could piggy-back on the decorations, food, and live performances of the day/evening!
As I think back on my evening, one thing stands out… Charity. She’s a bombshell of a gal who works for Mark Kelley doing some of his business management. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t know how to dance, and so felt awkward, and more comfortable as a wallflower.
First of all I felt a bit of guilt for seeing her and thinking about how good she looked in the long, red, backless dress. Long brown hair, slender figure, and a great smile. That aside, I thought that it would be nice to learn how to dance with someone who doesn’t feel confident with dancing… I think the challenge that I run into is feeling self conscious of my own dancing with others, and in that, I’d feel less awkward if I knew the other person was more likely to be thinking about their own performance!
So, as a parting moment, I did tell Charity that she looked great on the dance floor, and gave her my card and suggested that she check out the site in the next couple of days. Who knows if she’ll be in touch, but wow…
I wish that weren’t the case though. I think about my relationship with Heather and want to be in a place of confidence and security. Do I want to continue to be single for the rest of my life? I could certainly make that choice. “Settling down” now doesn’t have to happen… I get the sense that if I wanted to marry Heather, she’d say yes. That scares me though, I want to feel like I will be a confident and reassuring husband, and if I’m cursed with seeing other women and being drawn towards them, that is no way to continue.
Tomorrow there is supposed to be fireworks in the valley, for the first time ever. Should be a good show – same people who set off the fireworks for the 4th and there are around $10,000 worth of em too! I hope to go over to the area and scope out the scene before it gets dark… perhaps even talk to the coordinators. Should be fun. I ought to get a bit of sleep though as I can feel my throat would appreciate it. 🙂
Heather & I walked to her house today, and had a lovely chat along the way. During the conversation, she mentioned that I am the most important person in her life. I’m not sure if I mis-heard it, but nonetheless, whether those were the exact words or not, that was the gist. I realized with my darkness and the fact that I have been having sex with other women behind her back, the pain she stands to experience is immense. It’s terrifying to me that I might inflict that kind of pain on another… and yet, when I think about it, if Heather were to drop that kind of message or situation on me, I wouldn’t be nearly as hurt… I don’t know if it’s cause I have the ability to confine things to different parts of my brain or whatnot.
That got me to thinking… why am I not vulnerable? What is it about vulnerability that scares me? I have multiple cars, multiple computers, bikes, women I sleep with… the list goes on I’m sure. But really the summary question is simply: why? is it because I grew up in a home that didn’t have much in the way of things that I could enjoy without fear of losing it? Is it somehow related to the fact that my father abandoned me, even unknowingly because of his choices for other things before choices for a family? Is it because I find myself unwilling because I want o be SEEN as strong by other people?
Why do I desire to be in control? to understand? what is it about that control and that sense of clarity that helps me?
I’m not sure if this will be continued another time, but it’s something to ponder on.
I’m getting up early in the morning to attend Heather’s exam/xray review at Dr. Shepro’s. Then I have a morning meeting with Penny about being a second shooter… then I head downtown to connect with Mischelle and her cohorts working to coordinate the 50th anniversary party… then, who knows.
g’nite. vulnerable one…
Listened through Genesis 13, though I’m not sure the value I get to listening to the story, vs reading and looking at the footnotes, etc.
Bringing in the new year was good.
Sledding excitement was had, and the Wildes, Coopers, Miles, Curtis, Heather & myself had a generally cold, but good time. I guess that Heather said she had heard Bill say that it was -9 degrees outside. Brrr…
Gorgeous night though, with the stars and all, and surprisingly my camera worked pretty well. I think my favorite shot was of Paxton flying through the air on his sled.
Pre-sledding, I stopped by Tommy’s place to say hi. Pat, Gabe, Alan (palmer), of course tommy, and a guy named corey were there. Pretty low key. We played a bit of RockBand on the Wii, which was much hilarity because I really don’t have much skill with drumming despite my interest in tapping along sometimes.
Post-sledding, Heather & I took to watching a movie. In this case it was a particularly bad movie, followed by two other better ones. Started with Weather Man (with Nicholas Cage) and frankly, it really sucked. We watched the preview after the feature and realized we had been duped. It was a downer movie sold by a exciting trailer. Next we watched the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and it was cool to see some of the special effects come to life. Also, as I understand it, CS Lewis who wrote the narnia series had placed an immense amount of christianity in the sub-text. I’m pretty sure it’s there, but it’s definitely SUBtext. Aslan is presumed to be God, but I’m not really sure of any other details.
Lastly we watched Pursuit of Happyness in an effort to stay up for the Sunrise (at 8:45). The last thing I recall was looking at the clock at around 6:30, and thinking that Heather had better wake me up in order to go see any sunrise together. 🙂
Today is a new day, a new year, and absolutely beautiful outside. Heather had departed the couch and is upstairs sleeping. Me, I ponder my 2009 and wonder what it has in store.
As I was booting my computer to write this, I was thinking that of all the blessings I could receive in 2009, the ability to live beyond my fears would be the one thing that would make the most impact. It would mean committing to Heather, Being willing to be active with my business, it means the most for the most significant parts of my life… My relational and financial future.
—
And a moment from that comment I found myself downloading the Genesis book in an effort to read the bible in a year.
Bible in a year
At least one book per month
faithful to heather
willingness to open my mouth or make a call
—
woah, i’m off surfing the web and I find myself nearly out of battery. I guess it’s time to sign off for now with intent to check in again sometime soon. Perhaps I’ll go do some reading, and after that, snuggle in with Heather. A great way to start a new year.
First things first: my slight edge –
Yay! I woke up EARLY (5 am) and proceeded to get to work. Made some progress with the photo folders, and generally was being productive. Next, enter Heather and we decided to lay down for a nap – that lasted till late morning. A quick breakfast, a brief break, and then we went to the Chiropractor. He took xrays and found her back to be twisted, winding and all manners of not normal. Good though that we’re able to make some progress.
Did pick up, though products didn’t arrive. Got a call from Gary Taylor who was looking for me to help out by feeding his cat. I did, and now I suppose I’ll want to check back periodically to make sure it isn’t dead, even though it didn’t seem very hungry. Stopped by the video store, and the grocery store and got some supplies. Came home and enjoyed a lovely salad/dinner combo from Heather as we watched Horton Hears A Who.
Here’s where the reeling part comes in. Right before the show Helen called to ask my insight about a job offer she received, I told her I’d call her back later on as the movie was just starting. At the end of the movie, I left Heather on the couch while I headed upstairs to check email, play some games and generally get stuff done. I realized too that I needed to give Helen a call back. She proceeded to explain the conundrum, but considering all the different factors, she didn’t know what to do. At one point, she appeared to be mad at the fact that I was echoing that the economy is in an unknown state; it’s hard to tell what the future will bring.
While on the phone while trying to keep up, it became apparent that Heather was maddened by the fact that I was on the phone; I had told her I was going to play on my computer, and here I was on the phone. So while I had Helen (and her angry tone) on hold, Heather indicated (somewhat coldly) that she was just going to head home.
Wow.
I know they both want to know that they are going to be okay, and that they both are important, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation well. As it ended, while Helen was on hold (as I was talking to heather) she called back and suggested that I was done. Then Heather was done.
I guess the bottom line is that in the course of communication with women, their primary concern is towards the health of the relationship and not the actual issue at hand. You’d think I would have learned that by now.
I stand upon a precipice. I live between two worlds: one of destruction & pain and loneliness, and the other of love and support and caring.
Three girls, two nights… Helen, saturday evening; Heather, Sunday morning; Carolina, sunday night.
What the hell am I looking for? What is it that I think these choices will do for me? Do I think there is something to gain by getting in bed with as many women as possible?
The obvious answer from any angle is that I ought not be doing this. There is nothing but misery and destruction to be gained from my choices. But after making the wrong choices so long, they just want to come so naturally. It’s no longer hard. The little voice in the background has quieted to a whisper.
Where do I go from here? I’m 28, upon the verge of 2009, and another year, I deal with the pain and regrets of my choices… Though obviously not painful or regrettably enough to force me to stopping…
I was reading today (while at the Chiropractor’s office) from The Slight Edge. On page 28, it pointed out that if I am not using the slight edge to my benefit, that same edge will tear me down to death… A sobering thought if I do say so myself.
So, I thought to update my journal “template” to include a portion of what kinds of slight edge actions I’ve made in my life on that particular day. It might flex as I get used to it, but this seems like a good way to see some clear articulation of what direction I’m headed, and immediate feedback to know when I’m on (or off) the right path.
THE SLIGHT EDGE:
PRO:
CON:
So, from the looks of things, today was a good day. I hope to make tomorrow even better by waking early and acting immediately to make the last December 30th, 2008, the best one ever.
g’nite
Not really sure what I had in mind for a post today, but just trying to keep up with things…
Today I awoke around 1pm, after going to bed last night really, really late. Wasn’t really up doing anything in particular, but I found the evening of entertainment with Heather to go a while… scrabble & cards & movie lasted into the wee hours.
Today, to speak of activities… I did a bit of work on the BeCore10.com site, as well as some of the wildsofalaska.com site… afterwards, I put together bonus checks for downline and then headed out to drop them off.
Interestingly, I keep watching movies where I find myself thinking about relationships and whether or not Heather is “the one”, but at the same time I keep falling back towards old habits.
Carolina invited me to a movie tomorrow night, and in the texting back and forth, the topic was quite sexual – not sure if she’d follow through with it as she has given me the impression that she is the good christian sort, waiting for marriage, but if one is willing to think and talk about it, it seems that she may be willing also. I’m intrigued, excited, and shamed. We’ll see if I find myself free tomorrow night. It seems like the best thing I’ve got is Heather to help keep me faithful.
And, while dropping off my the bonus check, helen and I had another interlude.
While heading out to the valley to return home, Mike Popovich was on the CD I was listening to and he was lauding the necessity for matching thoughts, words and actions… and that if one is off, the whole process is broken (with regards to building your business). Interestingly, I think that wisdom could apply anywhere in life; with my chastity, my thoughts & actions aren’t in alignment with my word… or maybe it’s just that there is duplicity in my thoughts words and actions… depending on who my audience happens to be at that moment.
well, it’s 12:15, so I suppose I ought to be heading to sleep. It’s nice to type a few hundred words a day to help articulate what it is that I experience in a day, or in life at large.
Hello again.
Just a quick moment of ramblings before continuing on with my evening.
Today has been good – I got together with Corey McKrill & Jason Hickey and we had a good chat. Terra Parker happened to stop in, and as we all went to school together, we had a good chat of catching up.
This afternoon Heather & I took a walk out on Mendenhall Lake. We made it quite a ways, but not out to the ice.
Afterwards I made progress on the Goldbelt Holiday Party – prints are now ordered. I really need to look at what it takes to get a nice holder or otherwise for them…
Heather came over after that and we played some scrabble, concentration, speed and crazy-eights. It was a good night, finished off with a movie called Believe In Me about a girls basketball in Oklahoma during the 60’s. Good story, and I guess it was based on a true one too.
Helen is still trying to proposition me, and frankly, if it were more convenient, I’m afraid I’d take her up on it.
From the two movies last night, and even other movies in the past, I’m starting to catch the hint that I need to make up my mind and be faithful to Heather if I expect anything to happen in the future. Part of me wants to clear my chest, and part of me wants to keep it hidden and hope it can be permanently swept under the rug. I’m not sure what the ideal solution is, of course, but in the meantime I don’t make a crucial decision.
Alright, some how it ended up at 4:45 (in the morning), and I’m still up. I think it’s time for sleep.
g’nite.