It has been a good day.
It started by staying up way late last night and setting up the Juneau Life profiles all over the web. I awoke this morning with heather arriving around 10 am. I laid in bed a bit longer while we chatted about miscellany… Finally around 11am, we got up and moving. She cooked a lovely breakfast of banana-macadamia pancakes, eggs & bacon, and I tried to finish the final wrappings I had yet to do. Next we had some food around noon, and when finished, I jumped back to business with submitting a contest entry for the All Day I Dream About Photography blog, for a year’s subscription to Smugmug. I guess I’m one of 3 submitters, so we’ll see how I do against the competition. Here’s the full-resolution link, if you like.
We’ll also see if I can insert a smaller version in the blog entry to try to make things a bit more flashy:
Christmas Collage (Entry for ADIDAP)
So, theoretically, that image will take you to the jumbo version, but really, I don’t know for sure.
On with the day.
Next Heather & I picked up Shane and headed out to Mom’s house for dinner. She had cooked up a storm and had all the fixin’s. It was good. At some point through the night, Shane decided to get feisty with mom about a gun he left behind, and I stepped in and told him to drop the issue; I think he was upset about something prior and, it seemed he might have been disappointed by the gifts he received when compared to the items my mom got. We eventually gave shane a ride home and then went to see Seven Pounds with Will Smith; a very heavy show.
While I’m in that neck of the woods, I’ll see if I can articulate some of the items I received (and gave):
For me:
- two dress shirts, one had a matching tie
- dress pants
- pocket wizard plus (though it may require a return or a purchase of a second one to make it a useful tool for off-camera flash.
- a carhart zippered sweatshirt (though it’s a bit small, so will get a return)
- some tire repair kit pieces to patch bike tires
For other people:
- heather
- crash course dvd
- $1000 of chiropractic care
- custom photo-book of cherished memories
- personalized accents ribbon gift album (for jewelry)
- two (regifted) mugs and hot-cocoa.
- mom
- flat screen monitor
- mark kelley calendar
- crash course dvd
- allman brothers band chronology
- shane
- book on dreams
- earnest collection dvd
- 4 classic rock cds & cd case
- jason
- ribbon gift album (variety style)
- movie viewings (one card, one paid for tonight)
And I got some stuff for other people too, but I don’t really feel like chronicling the list now.
I think heather & i will be sitting down to do something else (or go to sleep early) so we’ll see where that heads, but for now, I’ll be signing off.
nighty, night.
Those are the two topics I was thinking of writing about. Primarily I intended to write about pain or hurt this evening, and then I realized that the other day I had intended to write a bit about love… So now you get a truncated version of both.
Love.
Heather said she loves me, and frankly it brings tears to my eyes. I’m not sure what to make of it, as the whole experience of love and vulnerability scares me. I was hurt as a child, from my fathers absence to my own mistakes in past relationships, and I’m afraid that I might make some of the same mistakes I had in the past. I don’t want to cause pain, and I’m afraid that I have simply hidden reality rather than experiencing it. It’s much like that book “For Women Only” where men innately feel they are imposters, but I am afraid that it is so much deeper than that.
Pain.
Heather and I had some type (I’m not even sure) of thing this evening. I don’t know if it was her tone that I took offense to, or perhaps that I did something that she did not see my heart in. Either way, it’s a strained air between us. These don’t last, but it’s no fun having the pain exist. I feel accused and condemned for being myself, but I’m not sure if I have brought that criticism to myself through my actions towards heather.
Hurt.
My heart aches. I think it is at an absence of spiritual connection – I don’t feel the motivation or worth to pray. I get nervous that I am simply lip-syncing a prayer. The other day I found myself praying for a huge dream; one that scares me, and moves me, and gives my flesh motivation to do the work. I’m not sure that I see it yet, but it seems to come to focus slowly at times with my analytical approach.
Marriage.
More and more, day by day, person by person (almost), I get questioned, or commented about the prospect of Heather and I getting married. I despise the pressure, and would much rather retreat to a more protected land where I could think through things and come to an answer without the influence of peers who have no clue what they want in their life.
Alright, I’m going to get some sleep and awake with a new passion to maintain productivity through the morning and into the day. There is so much to be done in life, and I am the man to do it.
Have a good night!
Another day done.
Today, my business acumen was a bit on the lessened side of things. Here are some of the highlights of the day:
- awoke early, without an alarm (i like that)
- listened to a cd before work (also good)
- transcribed a bit of a CD (good again)
- went to work (eh… so, so.)
- submitted an order at lunch and called Quixtar/Amway Global to rectify a shipping mistake (no bigs)
- got a call about photographing a corporate dinner (interesting, still have detials to work out)
- thanksgiving day planning (good for me!)
- thanksgiving day invites (mostly for heather, though I appreciate a full house for thanksgiving too)
- chrismartensen.com review (new dvd released today)
And now, i’m pretty much en route to bed.
Heather and I have had some sort of unrestful air between us the past couple of days. I presume that we as a couple are okay, and that she’s simply frustrated with something but not sharing such; I think I could stand to grow in my ability to face OSM (oh stuff moments) and ask her about what’s up, but for now, i’m keeping my head down, and I’m not quite sure why. maybe more progress on that tomorrow.
speaking of tomorrow, maybe i’ll do some shopping, and hopefully have a better idea of numbers for thanksgiving dinner!
sweet dreams to me!
Not sure what to journal about tonight, so I figure I’ll just start and see where it goes.
Saturday was a good day of getting up early, getting some productive time in and finishing off with some down time with Heather.
I took roughly 1700 shots of the Soul Street Dance group that was in town with Juneau Arts & Humanities Council, so we’ll see where those go. I think my more proud moment of the evening was offering some Rhodiola to the crew prior to their going on stage. Naturally their reviews of the evening were great in spite of various technical problems.
I’m most hopeful that I’ll be getting an email soon of client registration & ordering!
The change of Quixtar/Amway Global has me a bit nervous, but the anxiety is bound to be a positive thing – they’ll be changing over to auto-deposit bonus payment, which means that in order to have a bonus, we have to have at least 50 pv of client volume in the month. Not a big deal on one hand, but it makes client successes that much more valuable.
Today was a laid back sorta day – lots of relaxing, and generally not feeling altogether prodcutive – I watched several episodes of Heroes with Heather, and then attended the webcasts with Bill. Oh how I long to be a double eagle! I seek to be strong, to commit to great things and to achieve them!
It’s thanksgiving week – Turkey Day is on Thursday; Heather and I will spend the time together cooking, and it sounds like Jason will chip in to assist even. Should be a good time.
One nice thing about the week is that it’s only a three day week at work.
I want to develop clients. I want to grow my business. I want to learn to earn support and business from others because of the value of what I offer!
Alright, that’s enough for now. I’m gonna head to sleep so that I can get up and get moving tomorrow morning. I expect that I’ll be waking up before my alarm goes off, and at that, I’ll be getting up and moving even without the added encouragement from the alarm!
g’nite.
it’s been a long time since i’ve sat down (or in this case laid down) to type a few of my thoughts… i figure it’s about time. i find it’s normally my style to type with proper punctuation & capitalization, but this time around, i thought i’d mix it up a little. deal with it, eh?so… i’m 27 years old, still sleeping with helen, and going on 18 months of dating heather. in a word, it’s messed up. Read the rest of this entry »
it’s the solstice tonight, and so lots of people are out enjoying themselves on account that the earth is leaning closer to the sun than at any other time of the year. whoo. yeah, feel the excitement.
had work, then ultimate today. tomorrow i leave for Anchorage for an ultimate tourney with the Juneau folks. it should prove to be fun, along with a lot of running. I think my energy level is a bit low about it, but Im sure it’ll pick up as game time approaches.
i think it was monday… the 18th… that heather and i finally decided to be official about our relationship – i now have a girlfriend.
Journaling
June 12, 2007
Tonight I had a revealing talk with Mika about my predilection towards ambiguity in relationships. At one point, she mentioned that someone else had described me to have predatory behaviors.
It’s a heavy thing to hit. Fortunately the delivery was gentle and wanted. I trust Mika’s heart, and in that process, she was able to communicate some strong things. For instance, she asked when I would be done with this “learning” that I purport to be in? How long will it take? And if I say that I am learning, or if I say that I am working on it, where is the reality that I have what I speak? When will I speak that I am through the trials?
I think the thing that I realize is mostly that I am deluding myself to believe that I am “protected” by my ambiguity. I say that I am not dating, which allows me freedom to cast my seed to the wind, but simultaneously, I rob myself from the blessings of commitment, pride, and self respect.
Mika is mindful of the dynamic of having a single female in her business spending much solo time with me – what is it about me that I tend towards that can open those paths?
Tonight even, Emily was flirting with me on the Ultimate field. I was kissing Heather, and yet I found myself flirting with Elly. When will it stop? How will I find the urgency to make the one decision that I need to anchor myself?
John Maxwell talks in Today Matters about the idea of making the decision once and managing it daily. Have I made that big decision? Can I articulate it clearly? What about other decisions in my life? Alcohol, drugs, smoking? Those are easy. The stumbling blocks that I cling to? What about those?
The last entry I had talked about knowledge and authority equating to power. I have been given the power to lead my life as I see fit. What big decisions would I be wise to make? (Spirituality? Relationships? Integrity?)
I remember clearly listening to Brad Duncan talk about hedges. About developing, and watering, and growing hedges of protection to be set out at the far edges of my land – to help maintain boundaries for myself, as well as protection from outside dangers. How am I doing that now? Am I developing hedges?
Journaling
June 6, 2007
From opening a past journal entry from May 30, 2006, I read that I was under the suspicion that Helen might be pregnant. I’m a year out, but still having sex with her. Sigh.
Heather and I have been developing, but I have a hard time with maintaining chastity. I’m reading (and rereading) a book that I picked up from the Goads table at Spring Leadership named “Man’s Greatest Battle”.
In it, they hit upon a point that has been hovering in my consciousness for the past few days. It explains the challenge and then gets to the point of making a decision, and then very clearly outlines the following: We have the Freedom and Authority to make any decision we’re so inclined. What we are lacking at any given moment is Urgency.
How does one drive things to the urgent list? How do I make my business urgent? How do I increase the urgency of things that are important to me? How can I break my bad habits through identifying the urgent requirement of change?
Freedom + Authority = Power.
I have the power. I just need to DECIDE and follow through.
I’ll close for now, but this subject is far from complete. I’ll have to touch upon it some other time.
Today I had the privilege to sit in on a leaders webcast done from Brad’s House. He talked about a number of things, but a couple stick out. (see more notes in my OneNote notes).
First, Brad mentioned the importance in journaling. Not writing in a diary, but documenting learning experiences and impactful information. It brought to mind that I would be wise to reinvest in learning – CORE can become a legalistic occurrence and thus the value in decreased dramatically.
Second, he talked about conflict resolution, which wasn’t so much focused on skills/tactics, but the meanings behind conflict and the overall desire to “win the man” rather than the war.
Also, most of my day was spent intermittently constructing tracking sheets. It was nice to recommit & reconstruct the information – I look forward to it being faster from consistently doing them.
Lastly, I really simply need to be real with people & dissolve my no-talk rules. I hurt others by keeping my mouth closed.
That’s all for now.
-cb
Last night as we were leaving Ultimate, I received a text message on my phone from Anna-Mariah Kelly informing me that Toby Coate, longtime Juneau resident and all-around awesome guy died while fishing on a river on Prince of Whales Island.
Naturally it comes as a shock. Within the last 9 months alone (since September) there have been 4 deaths of people that I know. Jody Watson, Kenneth Natkong, Anne Shima, and now Toby Coate.