25 Things by Cody
Feb, 2009
1. I am the chair of the Juneau Big Brothers Big Sisters Board, and I sit on the Statewide board. In these roles, I frequently and profoundly feel “out of my element”. It’s an irrational fear, but nonetheless real as I’m sitting in the room with well established and highly respected community members (read: Directors, Managers, CFO’s, VP’s, & Presidents from some of the largest organizations across the state).
2. Speaking of irrational fears, I don’t dance much because I’m concerned with my appearance through the learning process. I frankly don’t want to feel (well, look) foolish, even though I know that’s part of the learning process. I have the feeling (and others have told me, too) that when I decide to pursue such things, I’ll be quite good. I was building courage to take one of Shane Wirtz’s UAS classes, but then he left and some new person is teaching… Ack! Change!
3. In fourth grade, upon returning to school (after the summer my father died) Rebecca Hall (now Brooks) was the only person to offer her consolations for my loss. I will never forget that. If I think about it much, it’s something that brings tears to my eyes. (Thank you, Rebecca.)
4. Though this is pretty largely known by my friends, I think it says a lot about who I am, have become, and will continue to be. I haven’t consumed alcohol since I was 14. I had a single conversation where I was called out in my lie by a man who didn’t care about the action, but cared about me. It was in that moment that I realized that I was letting alcohol become more important than my relationships even at that age. From my father’s death (cirrhosis of the liver, aka Alcohol Poisoning), I knew the pain that could inflict. Since then, it has never been hard to pass up a drink. (Thank you for your love, Bill.)
5. Again, largely known: I’m compelled to recycle. (Read: I cannot “let it go”, it’s as ingrained as my analytical nature.) Further, I cannot comprehend why someone wouldn’t take the effort to do the same. Interestingly, I think it’s driven by an underlying (and inherent) sense that ALL things are interconnected, and that only through individual action can we impact the world at large.
6. My closest (known) opportunity to die was when I was a wee young lad at a BBBS overnight camping excursion to John Muir Cabin. I was sleeping on the second “floor”/loft and rolled off the edge, in my sleep, landing on my rear. My recollection is that this was nearly a 14′ fall. While I didn’t like the bruised and bloodied flesh wound, it was better than the alternative: one person who was awake saw it happened, and explained that a few inches away from where my head landed was a cast-iron wood-stove corner. I’d rather deal with pain than death, methinks.
7. Ever since the start of this 25-thing craze, I have been secretly wanting someone to tag me, and in the last week, I’ve been tagged three times. I really wanted an excuse to start the list, and even share it with others. I see this list as an opportunity to reflect and note “things” that are significant to me. Subsequently, I intend to archive it for posterity. Likewise, I keep a digital journal that I someday expect to turn to a printed & bound book so that my grandchildren can read about the struggles and victories that I have encountered.
8. My photo and a quote was published in Esquire magazine after someone contacted me via myspace to complete a survey about what it’s like to be a 25-year-old man in America. I spent hours pondering and writing, fully and completely answering their short questionnaire (10 or so questions) about a variety of things. They used only 2 sentences from the question ‘Do you feel like you’ve entered “manhood”?’. The quote? “Most of the truly masculine men I know are also the first to admit their own mistakes and shortcomings. I openly admit that I have a long way to go.”
9. I never had aspirations of being a Photographer. Even now, I find the idea that folks will compensate me for something I love to do to be a pretty cool thing, and I am appreciative that these individuals can bless me for blessing them. Part of me wants to stretch and learn and do more… Who knows where it would go — for the quality of work I do, I believe I could be a highly paid (aka 6 digits/yr) photographer, but part of me really likes the fact that I can leave my camera on the shelf for months on end and it doesn’t stress me out.
10. On the photography theme… Some day, while financially independent, I think it’d be pretty neat to be the right-hand man for a shooter like Joe McNally or Chase Jarvis. The learning curve would be intense, but I think with my ultra-helper personality, it’d be a great fit. If not a right-hand man, I think I’d be plenty satisfied traveling the world over to capture moments to share with others.
11. As a kid, I remember seeing one of those Mall hallway stands where you could look up your name and buy a key chain or some other trinket. My name meant “CUSHION”. I always thought that was pretty lame… a soft thing that you sit on. As I grew up, I realized that if you look at the “cushion” as a “support”, it’s actually a perfect fit. It’s hard to find someone more interested in helping, and not just as the Mr. Fix It (I do that too). I fancy myself as the kind of guy you’d want to have as a friend – loyal to the end, and constantly willing to lend a hand. This means that I’m always a sucker for someone to ask me if I’ll help them move. 🙂
12. I passionately want to view money in the same way that we all look at oxygen. I want to just know that I have enough, and that because of this I can live accordingly by making RIGHT decisions rather than financially prudent ones. I expect to be the friend and family member that others come to when things are tough and the nephew needs braces but the parents can’t afford it. I want to be secure enough financially that it is never a loan, it’s always a gift.
13. I am an intense advocate for living below your means and debt free. This goes so far that at this point (still subject to change), I have no intentions of EVER entering debt, this includes any sort of “healthy debt” or mortgage. I recognize that this means that I may miss “opportunities”, but I am passionate about living in a way as to be responsible to my posterity, and if I am in debt, it means that I have committed future work towards the payoff of that debt. I see this as trying to predict the future, which I cannot yet do. (I do not believe that any job is secure, as the position is always at the discretion of the market/business owner). I do not believe that my ability to perform (make money) is so guaranteed that I would never encounter any type of injury or disablement.
14. On the subject of finances… You can be the most well educated dude or dude-ette from the fanciest school available, and you might just have a doctorate with an IQ twice that of mine, but until you have the RESULTS I want — financially independent with amazing relationships with your family and friends — and a financial interest in my future, I am not going to heed your advice on the topic of money. It amazes me at how many people are willing to take the “good advice” from their cubicle neighbor who is in debt up to their eyeballs. If they have never been there, they’re not a good tour guide to visit the promise land. Find someone who’s gone and come back to help others! 🙂
15. Recently, I have taken to building websites out of frustration. For years I have wanted to have a site that cataloged the eateries in Juneau with some description of the cuisine (if not a menu), and perhaps some comment on the establishment. The fact that many restaurants do not have a website bothers me too. It is entirely possible that I will begin building websites for these establishments so that I can find their menu when I want it.
16. Further, I cannot STAND those sites that were built back in the early days of the Internet but never were updated. I don’t care if it’s ignorance or some other reason, but if your site is still in the dark ages, let me know; my name is Cody, and I’m here to help. I think these sites should immediately be pulled off of the web and replaced with something as simple as a place-holder. In one instance, I’ve entirely rebuilt the site (on my own time, and without his knowledge) in an effort to expose the site owner to something I call “the present”.
17. I’ve always been an entrepreneur as long as I can recall. I’m the guy that sold Beef Jerky from my locker in middle school, and was quite profitable (and popular). Before that, on a smaller scale, it was juicy fruit & pepsi. Since those times, I’ve expanded my product lines, and my profit dramatically. 🙂
18. Despite #17, I don’t fancy myself much of a salesman, or naturally talented with marketing. I think this may be due to my own calculating personality (you generally cannot sell me on something, but if you give me the info, I’ll make up my own mind and I will be a loyal shopper till the cows come home.) This is obviously an Achilles’s heel for me, and I’m working to get better at it.
19. I tend to pretend that my vices are not visible to others, and am terrified that they might just be public knowledge. I have this sneaking sensation that people know, but because it’s an awkward topic to address, they leave me with the space to work on it myself… Part of me appreciates this respectful consideration, but a slightly more masochistic part of me wants to just get things out in the open to deal with it at large. Hmm…
20. Religion has been somewhat of a struggle for me. I’ve always had a strong belief in a higher power, and I know I’m not Him. 😉 I find myself waffling at all of the intricacies of various churches and their tenets. My journey has led me to a point where I seek to accept and understand whatever perspective a person offers rather than casting it off as wrong and different. In that way, many Christian organizations confuse me. I appreciate the perspective that We are spiritual beings trying to be human, rather than human beings trying to be spiritual.
21. At a young age (10? 12?) I was handy enough to crawl under the house to repair pipes that had frozen and split. Unfortunately, the foundation had settled in such a way as to spill some pretty foul stuff. (Don’t make me spell it out, okay?) Partly because of this, and due to the state of repair of the rest of the house, it was decided that we would tear it down and build anew. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an efficient transition and never did happen while I was at home. Most of my teen years were spent with a “bedroom” that was an 20-something foot Airstream travel trailer.
22. My childhood was a great one. I cherish the fact that I had the chance to grow up running around in the woods and feeling safe in our neighborhood. Because of the “out-the-road” location, there weren’t a lot of kids my age, and so I recall spending plenty of quality time with the surrounding neighbors. Rather than playing with other kids, I was learning from the Montour’s how to garden, take care of chickens, tie flies, play chess, and even make a boomerang from scratch. I felt left out that there weren’t other kids my age, but I wouldn’t trade the experiences for the world.
23. I tend to be very trusting with my stuff. I’ll hand you $3000 worth of photography equipment just so you can see what it’s like. Then I’ll walk away to do something else. I leave my key in my car and up until recently, right in the ignition (and I still would if it weren’t for that annoying beep). I recognize that the world does have people who will take advantage of me, but I value the approach… so much so, that when I lose something, I just consider that as part of the cost of my trusting. I know I could be more reserved, but I pay for that too, just up front with the concerned behavior.
24. I love to draw people together. I think it is linked to my desire for harmony, but I like to be a catalyst to get groups going. In high school there were dance parties for friends & friends of friends (thanks for the house, Mike!), and now, the Juneau Ultimate scene is something I’m fairly involved in… I find that I don’t really do it for any overt recognition, I just get a kick from seeing other people have a good time together.
25. As my mother can attest, I am an advocate for anti-packrat-ing’ness (if that’s any sort of word) – I am constantly cleaning and purging and asking “is this really something you need?”. That said, and somewhat related to my recycling knack, I am a pretty significant collector of things too. I’ll blame it on Mom, but it may very well be linked to my interest in some type of security (if something breaks, I’ve got a backup.) I love the idea of being a minimalist, but I think until I move residences again with some short time-box, I’ll likely continue collecting stuff with the thought that I might just have a garage (or “free, take-it-away”) sale sometime during the next summer. If you need something, let me know, I might just have an extra.
So I realized tonight while Bill spoke at yet another guest-less board plan by Bill that for some time I’ve had the “Input > Thoughts > Words > Actions > Habits > Character > Destiny > Legacy” thing down for quite some time… I realized that changing my input would have a great impact on my future, but for many years of personal development, I still hadn’t been growing personally in a very meaningful way (at least with regards to building my business.
Tonight, Bill elaborated on a very unspoken, but important piece of the above sequence – it links back to Tom Miller, but hearing it tonight, it simply “clicked”.
That signficant piece was that between Input and Thoughts, there is a extremely crucial difference between how someone who is successful (in relationships, finances, spiritual, etc) versus someone who is broken. The significant element is that a person must interpret and decide what the input MEANS!
It’s so very basic – it doesn’t matter if I’ve been reading the best book ever, if I see my input and view it as something I must do because I am less worthy, I will think I’m lesser, act lesser and eventually fade away into nothingness – if not soon, then with time, as my life ends.
Successful people use the opportunity between input and thought/action as a chance to decide what they want to do, until which point that they can make that assessment through natural response. It’s all about creating the habit to carry you forward to success. One cup at a time does fill the pool eventually.
I feel like this peice is a breakthrough for me. I’m excited to see how I interpret things, and how my response ellicits the type of energy, action or thoughts, but this time with an awareness of how I’m naturally making those decisions.
I think that this, combined with an effort to be REAL, EXCITED, and SIMPLE will enable me to build my business to eagle, double eagle and platinum this year.
Recently I met someone online that immediately seemed to be out for sex.
Though I don’t understand why I was chosen, other than I have a nice profile picture, I feel compelled to reflect on the premise of validation. What am I validated by? Answer that, and it tells a much broader picture of who I am inside. Perhaps not who I am in essence, but what my focus is on presently.
I keep coming back to feeling powerful when women are attracted to me. I feel powerful when I have some semblance of control
[and pause for 2 months…]
It’s now March 9th, and I figure that I might not be planning to finish this post anytime soon. I’ll just post it and call it good. Maybe someday I’ll write another, but then again maybe not. Time will tell. 🙂
[fast forward to July 15th, and I find that it didn’t publish back then… publishing now, and giving it a date of Jan 9.]
So, tonight I took a few hundred shots at the Statehood Ball located at the Centennial Hall. It was a great event with wonderful energy, despite most of the audience being of the older generations. It was cool to see that everyone could still move pretty nimbly and have a great time.
Interesting thought… One person had been married today and was in the audience – what a great way to arrange for your wedding day to be on a date that has some other celebration so you could piggy-back on the decorations, food, and live performances of the day/evening!
As I think back on my evening, one thing stands out… Charity. She’s a bombshell of a gal who works for Mark Kelley doing some of his business management. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t know how to dance, and so felt awkward, and more comfortable as a wallflower.
First of all I felt a bit of guilt for seeing her and thinking about how good she looked in the long, red, backless dress. Long brown hair, slender figure, and a great smile. That aside, I thought that it would be nice to learn how to dance with someone who doesn’t feel confident with dancing… I think the challenge that I run into is feeling self conscious of my own dancing with others, and in that, I’d feel less awkward if I knew the other person was more likely to be thinking about their own performance!
So, as a parting moment, I did tell Charity that she looked great on the dance floor, and gave her my card and suggested that she check out the site in the next couple of days. Who knows if she’ll be in touch, but wow…
I wish that weren’t the case though. I think about my relationship with Heather and want to be in a place of confidence and security. Do I want to continue to be single for the rest of my life? I could certainly make that choice. “Settling down” now doesn’t have to happen… I get the sense that if I wanted to marry Heather, she’d say yes. That scares me though, I want to feel like I will be a confident and reassuring husband, and if I’m cursed with seeing other women and being drawn towards them, that is no way to continue.
Tomorrow there is supposed to be fireworks in the valley, for the first time ever. Should be a good show – same people who set off the fireworks for the 4th and there are around $10,000 worth of em too! I hope to go over to the area and scope out the scene before it gets dark… perhaps even talk to the coordinators. Should be fun. I ought to get a bit of sleep though as I can feel my throat would appreciate it. 🙂
Bringing in the new year was good.
Sledding excitement was had, and the Wildes, Coopers, Miles, Curtis, Heather & myself had a generally cold, but good time. I guess that Heather said she had heard Bill say that it was -9 degrees outside. Brrr…
Gorgeous night though, with the stars and all, and surprisingly my camera worked pretty well. I think my favorite shot was of Paxton flying through the air on his sled.
Pre-sledding, I stopped by Tommy’s place to say hi. Pat, Gabe, Alan (palmer), of course tommy, and a guy named corey were there. Pretty low key. We played a bit of RockBand on the Wii, which was much hilarity because I really don’t have much skill with drumming despite my interest in tapping along sometimes.
Post-sledding, Heather & I took to watching a movie. In this case it was a particularly bad movie, followed by two other better ones. Started with Weather Man (with Nicholas Cage) and frankly, it really sucked. We watched the preview after the feature and realized we had been duped. It was a downer movie sold by a exciting trailer. Next we watched the Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, and it was cool to see some of the special effects come to life. Also, as I understand it, CS Lewis who wrote the narnia series had placed an immense amount of christianity in the sub-text. I’m pretty sure it’s there, but it’s definitely SUBtext. Aslan is presumed to be God, but I’m not really sure of any other details.
Lastly we watched Pursuit of Happyness in an effort to stay up for the Sunrise (at 8:45). The last thing I recall was looking at the clock at around 6:30, and thinking that Heather had better wake me up in order to go see any sunrise together. 🙂
Today is a new day, a new year, and absolutely beautiful outside. Heather had departed the couch and is upstairs sleeping. Me, I ponder my 2009 and wonder what it has in store.
As I was booting my computer to write this, I was thinking that of all the blessings I could receive in 2009, the ability to live beyond my fears would be the one thing that would make the most impact. It would mean committing to Heather, Being willing to be active with my business, it means the most for the most significant parts of my life… My relational and financial future.
—
And a moment from that comment I found myself downloading the Genesis book in an effort to read the bible in a year.
Bible in a year
At least one book per month
faithful to heather
willingness to open my mouth or make a call
—
woah, i’m off surfing the web and I find myself nearly out of battery. I guess it’s time to sign off for now with intent to check in again sometime soon. Perhaps I’ll go do some reading, and after that, snuggle in with Heather. A great way to start a new year.
I’ve got 5 minutes left on the timer for the last batch of chocolate chip cookies. I’ve been cooking over the last few days and it’s been fun. I don’t often do much baking, ever. In fact, this might be the only stretch where I’ve baked during the entire 2008.
Tonight I’ll be headed off to Tommy’s house for a new years eve party, and then to do some sledding with Heather & co. at the Mendenhall Glacier. It should prove to be a good time.
Earlier today Heather & I went and checked out some freecycle stuff, and since then (I dropped her off) I cut my hair (though I’m not sure it’s well done in the back), baked some cookies, and cleaned up a bit around my house.
In the new year, I think it will be my goal to make an effort towards being more confident with making calls in my business, and to get to a place of confidence with my relationship with Heather. It will mean saying no to the opportunities I’m presented for extra-relational encounters, but I know it’s worth it. I suppose that I’ll include a concerted effort to be better about personal development (core) and reading scripture. I think that’ll help me towards being better in the other areas too.
—
perhaps I’ll do some more posting later on this evening, but for now, it’s off to deliver cookies to Tommy’s!
First things first: my slight edge –
Yay! I woke up EARLY (5 am) and proceeded to get to work. Made some progress with the photo folders, and generally was being productive. Next, enter Heather and we decided to lay down for a nap – that lasted till late morning. A quick breakfast, a brief break, and then we went to the Chiropractor. He took xrays and found her back to be twisted, winding and all manners of not normal. Good though that we’re able to make some progress.
Did pick up, though products didn’t arrive. Got a call from Gary Taylor who was looking for me to help out by feeding his cat. I did, and now I suppose I’ll want to check back periodically to make sure it isn’t dead, even though it didn’t seem very hungry. Stopped by the video store, and the grocery store and got some supplies. Came home and enjoyed a lovely salad/dinner combo from Heather as we watched Horton Hears A Who.
Here’s where the reeling part comes in. Right before the show Helen called to ask my insight about a job offer she received, I told her I’d call her back later on as the movie was just starting. At the end of the movie, I left Heather on the couch while I headed upstairs to check email, play some games and generally get stuff done. I realized too that I needed to give Helen a call back. She proceeded to explain the conundrum, but considering all the different factors, she didn’t know what to do. At one point, she appeared to be mad at the fact that I was echoing that the economy is in an unknown state; it’s hard to tell what the future will bring.
While on the phone while trying to keep up, it became apparent that Heather was maddened by the fact that I was on the phone; I had told her I was going to play on my computer, and here I was on the phone. So while I had Helen (and her angry tone) on hold, Heather indicated (somewhat coldly) that she was just going to head home.
Wow.
I know they both want to know that they are going to be okay, and that they both are important, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation well. As it ended, while Helen was on hold (as I was talking to heather) she called back and suggested that I was done. Then Heather was done.
I guess the bottom line is that in the course of communication with women, their primary concern is towards the health of the relationship and not the actual issue at hand. You’d think I would have learned that by now.
I stand upon a precipice. I live between two worlds: one of destruction & pain and loneliness, and the other of love and support and caring.
Three girls, two nights… Helen, saturday evening; Heather, Sunday morning; Carolina, sunday night.
What the hell am I looking for? What is it that I think these choices will do for me? Do I think there is something to gain by getting in bed with as many women as possible?
The obvious answer from any angle is that I ought not be doing this. There is nothing but misery and destruction to be gained from my choices. But after making the wrong choices so long, they just want to come so naturally. It’s no longer hard. The little voice in the background has quieted to a whisper.
Where do I go from here? I’m 28, upon the verge of 2009, and another year, I deal with the pain and regrets of my choices… Though obviously not painful or regrettably enough to force me to stopping…
I was reading today (while at the Chiropractor’s office) from The Slight Edge. On page 28, it pointed out that if I am not using the slight edge to my benefit, that same edge will tear me down to death… A sobering thought if I do say so myself.
So, I thought to update my journal “template” to include a portion of what kinds of slight edge actions I’ve made in my life on that particular day. It might flex as I get used to it, but this seems like a good way to see some clear articulation of what direction I’m headed, and immediate feedback to know when I’m on (or off) the right path.
THE SLIGHT EDGE:
PRO:
CON:
So, from the looks of things, today was a good day. I hope to make tomorrow even better by waking early and acting immediately to make the last December 30th, 2008, the best one ever.
g’nite
Not really sure what I had in mind for a post today, but just trying to keep up with things…
Today I awoke around 1pm, after going to bed last night really, really late. Wasn’t really up doing anything in particular, but I found the evening of entertainment with Heather to go a while… scrabble & cards & movie lasted into the wee hours.
Today, to speak of activities… I did a bit of work on the BeCore10.com site, as well as some of the wildsofalaska.com site… afterwards, I put together bonus checks for downline and then headed out to drop them off.
Interestingly, I keep watching movies where I find myself thinking about relationships and whether or not Heather is “the one”, but at the same time I keep falling back towards old habits.
Carolina invited me to a movie tomorrow night, and in the texting back and forth, the topic was quite sexual – not sure if she’d follow through with it as she has given me the impression that she is the good christian sort, waiting for marriage, but if one is willing to think and talk about it, it seems that she may be willing also. I’m intrigued, excited, and shamed. We’ll see if I find myself free tomorrow night. It seems like the best thing I’ve got is Heather to help keep me faithful.
And, while dropping off my the bonus check, helen and I had another interlude.
While heading out to the valley to return home, Mike Popovich was on the CD I was listening to and he was lauding the necessity for matching thoughts, words and actions… and that if one is off, the whole process is broken (with regards to building your business). Interestingly, I think that wisdom could apply anywhere in life; with my chastity, my thoughts & actions aren’t in alignment with my word… or maybe it’s just that there is duplicity in my thoughts words and actions… depending on who my audience happens to be at that moment.
well, it’s 12:15, so I suppose I ought to be heading to sleep. It’s nice to type a few hundred words a day to help articulate what it is that I experience in a day, or in life at large.
Hello again.
Just a quick moment of ramblings before continuing on with my evening.
Today has been good – I got together with Corey McKrill & Jason Hickey and we had a good chat. Terra Parker happened to stop in, and as we all went to school together, we had a good chat of catching up.
This afternoon Heather & I took a walk out on Mendenhall Lake. We made it quite a ways, but not out to the ice.
Afterwards I made progress on the Goldbelt Holiday Party – prints are now ordered. I really need to look at what it takes to get a nice holder or otherwise for them…
Heather came over after that and we played some scrabble, concentration, speed and crazy-eights. It was a good night, finished off with a movie called Believe In Me about a girls basketball in Oklahoma during the 60’s. Good story, and I guess it was based on a true one too.
Helen is still trying to proposition me, and frankly, if it were more convenient, I’m afraid I’d take her up on it.
From the two movies last night, and even other movies in the past, I’m starting to catch the hint that I need to make up my mind and be faithful to Heather if I expect anything to happen in the future. Part of me wants to clear my chest, and part of me wants to keep it hidden and hope it can be permanently swept under the rug. I’m not sure what the ideal solution is, of course, but in the meantime I don’t make a crucial decision.
Alright, some how it ended up at 4:45 (in the morning), and I’m still up. I think it’s time for sleep.
g’nite.