June 9, 2004

Actually, I just experienced the 8th. It’s 1 am right now.

I just got back from Bill & Sharon’s place – we watched a movie called ‘Dickie Roberts – child star’ or something like that with David Spade.

I think the thing that I wanted to write about was my experiences with my father or lack thereof. At the end of the movie, Paxton started fussing in his room, and Bill went and got him. In the few minutes before I left, I got a glimpse of something distinct that I missed out on in life – Fatherly Love. Bill just held Paxton on his chest and hugged and joked with him (“Paxton, guess what?” “Wha” “I love you.”) I never have experienced that kind of love from a man. My father was a complete absentee father. I recall the memories I had of him.

The first I think was when I was youngest, though I don’t know my actual age. I recall sitting with him at my desk where the firewood would later be stored, and feeling really strange because I wanted to kiss him, but I didn’t know if that was right – him being a guy and all… I don’t recall how it turned out, but the confusion of not knowing what was okay is something that I still sometimes wonder about.

The second memory was a brief visit that my dad took to come to Juneau to pick up his tools – he was over at his friends house at 17 mile. I don’t recall much, but I remember that I got to go see him there. It still makes me wonder why that was the meeting location, and why it was so brief.

The third was while he was passing through town on the ferry. He only had a little while, so I think I was able to spend something like 45 minutes with him. He had this ratty Xerox paper box with stuff in it. While sitting there chatting with him and trying to think of significant things to say in less than an hour, I remember seeing a little matchbox car mixed in. It was already well used – the little antenna on the top, and the two guns off of either side of the hood were all bent. It looked kinda like a shorter heurst, though more sporty. I don’t know what it was supposed to be, but it was a toy, and he gave it to me (after I asked to have it).

The final memory was of a phone call. It was likely around 8:30, because I recall my mom getting the call, and then allowing me to chat, though I was supposed to be in bed. After a few minutes on the phone, she prompted me to get off to go to bed. I’d bet that the bed thing was a scapegoat because if I remember correctly, later on, my mother informed me that he had been drinking and she didn’t want me on the phone with him while he was in that state.

Four brief glimpses, four indelible experiences. That and some tools are all I have of a father.

I wonder sometimes how I am supposed to learn to be a great dad when I had no example. I wonder how I’m to be in a relationship when my father didn’t know the first thing about strength. I wonder how to make choices that are right and strong, when, again, I never had that example.

Well, time will tell, and personal development will have to suffice – observation, reading, listening, etc. Best of luck to me. G’night.

June 6, 2004 (cont.)

Alright, so since I’m doing this at 6 in the evening, I suppose it’s more of a June 6, 2004 than the previous entry.

First things first

Watched my little brother graduate today. That was interesting. Bruce Bothello was the speaker (he’s presently the Juneau Mayor). I got to see lots of people that I haven’t seen in quite some time. Nico Bus, Salena Kasler, Robert Ridgeway, and more. Then I went to eat with my mother, Shane, Dawn, and her daughter & daughter’s boyfriend. We ate at the salmon bake which was nice. It’s really nice out right now.

Sleep Log

I woke up at 8:30 to my alarm, and then promptly fell back asleep. I think I got out of bed at around 10ish.

Humor

Today during graduation, while the conferring of degrees was taking place, someone threw out a couple of beach balls into the crowd. I thought it was sorta funny, but I guess the lady who came in to take them away didn’t.

Struggle

Trying to figure out what I want to do with the relationship I have with Helen. On one hand, she’s a great person, on the other, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a committed relationship. I guess I should have thought of that years ago, huh? I think I need to grow up, or get something out of my system, or something… I don’t know how to explain it at this point.

Beauty

At the Salmon Bake today, my mother had found out that one of the girls working there had graduated the same year as myself. I was thrown into a conversation with her which was nice, but at the same time slightly strange. It seems that she was looking for some sort of adult interaction, as though she didn’t get much of it at times… Which might be the case – she’s got a 1 year old at home. Anyhow, the beautiful thing is meeting new people, and making them feel special. She has a gorgeous smile, and when I told her such, she lit up.

Kindness

I guess it falls back to the meeting new people. In addition to Cara at the Salmon Bake, I met Kay Anderson who is a sophomore at UAF – studying Spanish. She’s here over the summer working, but is originally from Oregon. It was nice to chat with her.

Goals for the evening

Go work on the garage. Possibly go for a walk out Kowee Creek or somewhere like that. Put together an order. Figure out details within my finances. That’s about it.

Actually, I just experienced the 8th. It’s 1 am right now.

I just got back from Bill & Sharon’s place – we watched a movie called ‘Dickie Roberts – child star’ or something like that with David Spade.

I think the thing that I wanted to write about was my experiences with my father or lack thereof. At the end of the movie, Paxton started fussing in his room, and Bill went and got him. In the few minutes before I left, I got a glimpse of something distinct that I missed out on in life – Fatherly Love. Bill just held Paxton on his chest and hugged and joked with him (“Paxton, guess what?” “Wha” “I love you.”) I never have experienced that kind of love from a man. My father was a complete absentee father. I recall the memories I had of him. Read the rest of this entry »

June 6, 2004
I think it’s more like the 5th since I haven’t yet gone to bed for the night, so that might be another consecutive day… If so, cool! (the other possibility is that the other entries were also in the same late night setting so they were actually tracked as the following day…)

Anyhow, during the last entry, I was thinking that a technique that Amanda Sauro used when doing her weblog. She had different categories that she put down and then spoke to each of them with the recap of the day. She had: First Things First, Sleep Log (just when she woke up and went to bed), Humor, Struggle, Beauty, Kindness, Classes, and Goals for Tomorrow. If I recall correctly, she got the idea from watching Oprah. Even stranger, Oprah is not spelled incorrectly according to MS word – I guess if you’re a TV personality, you can have your name added to spell checkers! Neat!

Alright, so back on track now… I was thinking of instituting a similar process, but in my thinking, I was considering changing it slightly to help me develop as a person. It might be good to have sections like: Something New (learning), Something Old (application), Something Neat (daily story?), Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual), Something Physical (what activity did I do?) Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?), Something Relationship (notes from my relationships), Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

It seems like a longer list than I thought it would be, but lets see what it would look like (I’ll include Amanda’s/Oprah’s list as well…) Here goes!

First Things First

I like the effect of Journaling – It’s a nice way to reflect on my day.

Sleep Log

Um, got up at noon (was up till 5 or 6 am yesterday so I only got 6 hours of sleep.) Planning to go to bed right after this – it’s 2:36 AM right now. I did get to take a nap this evening, but I have no clue how long it was.

Humor

John and I were talking about the potential skits associated with winning the Home Incentive Promotions – Like doing parody songs or movie scenes… That was entertaining to put a cleaning twist on songs like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice…

Struggle

Communicating my interest level clearly without hurting others (in reference to the relationship I have with Helen. We went to Costco today, and I just didn’t have a hang out be social type aura to me.)

Beauty

Hmm… I don’t think I recall anything right off… I guess I did see a nifty little mazda mx8 or something like that – a little red sports car for broke people I’d guess.

Kindness

I was nice to take Helen to the Post Office and to the Bank before going to Costco.

Classes

I don’t really have any, though I was thinking of approaching the homework that is associated with the PADM class that I took over the summer. I also need to review that homework.

Goals for Tomorrow

Attend my little Brother’s graduation. And be nice with the family – even if it leads to dinner or other activities.

Something New (learned)

Goofed around looking at the registry of my computer and found some neat spots – though I only disabled some startup services and removed some registry entries for startup items.

Something Old (what did I apply?)

Hmm… Dunno.

Something Neat (daily story?)

Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)

Something Physical (what activity did I do?)

Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)

Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)

Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

Ack, having too many items really leads me to not want to write any more… I guess I’m already 2 pages in almost so I’ll just call it good at that. It’s 2:44 am now. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 am.

G’night!

Alright, so since I’m doing this at 6 in the evening, I suppose it’s more of a June 6, 2004 than the previous entry.

First things first

Watched my little brother graduate today. That was interesting. Bruce Bothello was the speaker (he’s presently the Juneau Mayor). I got to see lots of people that I haven’t seen in quite some time. Nico Bus, Salena Kasler, Robert Ridgeway, and more. Then I went to eat with my mother, Shane, Dawn, and her daughter & daughter’s boyfriend. We ate at the salmon bake which was nice. It’s really nice out right now.

Sleep Log

I woke up at 8:30 to my alarm, and then promptly fell back asleep. I think I got out of bed at around 10ish.

Humor

Today during graduation, while the conferring of degrees was taking place, someone threw out a couple of beach balls into the crowd. I thought it was sorta funny, but I guess the lady who came in to take them away didn’t.

Struggle

Trying to figure out what I want to do with the relationship I have with Helen. On one hand, she’s a great person, on the other, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a committed relationship. I guess I should have thought of that years ago, huh? I think I need to grow up, or get something out of my system, or something… I don’t know how to explain it at this point.

Beauty

At the Salmon Bake today, my mother had found out that one of the girls working there had graduated the same year as myself. I was thrown into a conversation with her which was nice, but at the same time slightly strange. It seems that she was looking for some sort of adult interaction, as though she didn’t get much of it at times… Which might be the case – she’s got a 1 year old at home. Anyhow, the beautiful thing is meeting new people, and making them feel special. She has a gorgeous smile, and when I told her such, she lit up.

Kindness

I guess it falls back to the meeting new people. In addition to Cara at the Salmon Bake, I met Kay Anderson who is a sophomore at UAF – studying Spanish. She’s here over the summer working, but is originally from Oregon. It was nice to chat with her.

Goals for the evening

Go work on the garage. Possibly go for a walk out Kowee Creek or somewhere like that. Put together an order. Figure out details within my finances. That’s about it.

I think it’s more like the 5th since I haven’t yet gone to bed for the night, so that might be another consecutive day… If so, cool! (the other possibility is that the other entries were also in the same late night setting so they were actually tracked as the following day…)

Anyhow, during the last entry, I was thinking that a technique that Amanda Sauro used when doing her weblog. She had different categories that she put down and then spoke to each of them with the recap of the day. She had: First Things First, Sleep Log (just when she woke up and went to bed), Humor, Struggle, Beauty, Kindness, Classes, and Goals for Tomorrow. If I recall correctly, she got the idea from watching Oprah. Even stranger, Oprah is not spelled incorrectly according to MS word – I guess if you’re a TV personality, you can have your name added to spell checkers! Neat!

Alright, so back on track now… I was thinking of instituting a similar process, but in my thinking, I was considering changing it slightly to help me develop as a person. It might be good to have sections like: Something New (learning), Something Old (application), Something Neat (daily story?), Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual), Something Physical (what activity did I do?) Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?), Something Relationship (notes from my relationships), Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

It seems like a longer list than I thought it would be, but lets see what it would look like (I’ll include Amanda’s/Oprah’s list as well…) Here goes!
First Things First
I like the effect of Journaling – It’s a nice way to reflect on my day.
Sleep Log
Um, got up at noon (was up till 5 or 6 am yesterday so I only got 6 hours of sleep.) Planning to go to bed right after this – it’s 2:36 AM right now. I did get to take a nap this evening, but I have no clue how long it was.
Humor
John and I were talking about the potential skits associated with winning the Home Incentive Promotions – Like doing parody songs or movie scenes… That was entertaining to put a cleaning twist on songs like Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice…
Struggle
Communicating my interest level clearly without hurting others (in reference to the relationship I have with Helen. We went to Costco today, and I just didn’t have a hang out be social type aura to me.)
Beauty
Hmm… I don’t think I recall anything right off… I guess I did see a nifty little mazda mx8 or something like that – a little red sports car for broke people I’d guess.
Kindness
I was nice to take Helen to the Post Office and to the Bank before going to Costco.
Classes
I don’t really have any, though I was thinking of approaching the homework that is associated with the PADM class that I took over the summer. I also need to review that homework.
Goals for Tomorrow
Attend my little Brother’s graduation. And be nice with the family – even if it leads to dinner or other activities.
Something New (learned)
Goofed around looking at the registry of my computer and found some neat spots – though I only disabled some startup services and removed some registry entries for startup items.
Something Old (what did I apply?)
Hmm… Dunno.
Something Neat (daily story?)
Something Spiritual (did I do anything spiritual)
Something Physical (what activity did I do?)
Something Emotional (what emotion do I recall from the day?)
Something Relationship (notes from my relationships)
Something directional (goals for tomorrow or otherwise).

Ack, having too many items really leads me to not want to write any more… I guess I’m already 2 pages in almost so I’ll just call it good at that. It’s 2:44 am now. I’m planning to get up at 8:30 am.

G’night!

June 4, 2004

Day number two in a row! Neat!

Alright, briefly about the day… Went to work, was distracted a lot by dreamweaver, though that wasn’t entirely bad cause I’m learning about CSS. It has lots of potential, but there’s certainly a learning curve. I talked with Heather (?) for about an hour today. She’s the one with arthritis and a conspiracy theory against computers. That was neat. It was nice to share with her, though I don’t want to give an impression that I’m interested. I would be alright with getting to know her I suppose… She’s set high standards that would be good to learn from. Went to talk with Dr. Shepro today about orthodics. He, of course, is biased about his strategy and it seems that Patrick is naturally biased towards his training. I went ahead and set up time to meet with Patrick which was nice. It was at the end of the day, so that gave a little leeway for asking questions about whatever I could think of. Basically I took away that I don’t really need orthotics, but it is most important to stretch out my calves and quads… I am really tight there (duh.) From there I had ultimate, which naturally was a good time, though I was tiring more easily than I had been expecting. I had a collision with Anna that rolled my ankle slightly and my thumb/wrist pain decided to act up, so I ended up calling it quits a couple points earlier than everyone else. I then walked to Breeze In to return Anger Management. It was a good movie, but not really my style, some of the humor was a bit rough. Not crude, just not really my style. During the walk over there Helen wanted to talk, so we did – the entire hour that I was there! I actually was hoping to get some CommuniKate in, but that didn’t happen.

Right now, it’s 12:18, so I think I’m being consistent with my sleeping patterns I suppose. I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:30 so I’ll be going to bed here shortly.

More thoughts about the relationship thing with Helen… Well, I keep getting the feel that I am going to be breaking up with her, though I don’t really want to run from something that I should be addressing in the course of the relationship – namely the sexual aspect. In talking with Bill & Sharon, it’s pretty obvious that the next step that I need to pursue is what I want to accomplish, and how breaking up (or staying together) might support that direction. Sound advice, but naturally, not the easiest to follow.

Alright, so that’s enough for the moment – I’m headed to bed. G’night.

Day number two in a row! Neat!

Alright, briefly about the day… Went to work, was distracted a lot by dreamweaver, though that wasn’t entirely bad cause I’m learning about CSS. It has lots of potential, but there’s certainly a learning curve. I talked with Heather (?) for about an hour today. She’s the one with arthritis and a conspiracy theory against computers. That was neat. It was nice to share with her, though I don’t want to give an impression that I’m interested. I would be alright with getting to know her I suppose… She’s set high standards that would be good to learn from. Went to talk with Dr. Shepro today about orthodics. He, of course, is biased about his strategy and it seems that Patrick is naturally biased towards his training. I went ahead and set up time to meet with Patrick which was nice. It was at the end of the day, so that gave a little leeway for asking questions about whatever I could think of. Basically I took away that I don’t really need orthotics, but it is most important to stretch out my calves and quads… I am really tight there (duh.) From there I had ultimate, which naturally was a good time, though I was tiring more easily than I had been expecting. I had a collision with Anna that rolled my ankle slightly and my thumb/wrist pain decided to act up, so I ended up calling it quits a couple points earlier than everyone else. I then walked to Breeze In to return Anger Management. It was a good movie, but not really my style, some of the humor was a bit rough. Not crude, just not really my style. During the walk over there Helen wanted to talk, so we did – the entire hour that I was there! I actually was hoping to get some CommuniKate in, but that didn’t happen.

Right now, it’s 12:18, so I think I’m being consistent with my sleeping patterns I suppose. I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:30 so I’ll be going to bed here shortly.

More thoughts about the relationship thing with Helen… Well, I keep getting the feel that I am going to be breaking up with her, though I don’t really want to run from something that I should be addressing in the course of the relationship – namely the sexual aspect. In talking with Bill & Sharon, it’s pretty obvious that the next step that I need to pursue is what I want to accomplish, and how breaking up (or staying together) might support that direction. Sound advice, but naturally, not the easiest to follow.

Alright, so that’s enough for the moment – I’m headed to bed. G’night.

June 3, 2004

Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.

I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.

I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.

On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…

I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.

This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.

Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.

Wow. Time flies. So it’s 12:32 in the morning, and I thought I’d do some thinking before I went to sleep this evening. Helen and I are having ‘relationship troubles’ and I’m trying to figure out what I think about the whole situation. I went over to spend a little bit of time with her this evening since she was really frustrated about things last night, so we chatted a bit, and then read out of a new book about heaven and what it might be like, then I asked her if she’d go down on me – as a joke – but she said yes… What a tangled web we weave. I left from her place (she’s housesitting in the valley) and went to Bill & Sharon to chat about where I’m thinking of heading with this relationship.

I’m inclined to call it done. The thing about it though is that I need to know what I’m doing it for. I need to have goals that I am aiming for that this choice will facilitate. For instance, if I am looking to become a stronger man, I need to develop some way of tracking the things that I have done towards accomplishing that item.

I think my present goals of ending the relationship would be to alleviate the challenges that I run into with communicating with Helen… I find that I am a much more logic driven individual while she likes to chat about her emotions, feelings and responses. Not a whole lot of fun when the hackles come out to protect/defend your own position.

On one hand, I think it’d be nice to be able to have friendships with other girls. It seems very restricting to only have Helen – due to her jealous nature. Although that being said, I do kinda like her liking me. Yeah, but I don’t like the guilt and the inability to have friendships with other girls…

I think the ultimate factor is that I need to get good at being strong, and being myself… I am using women to justify/please something about myself, and I need to discover and overcome that. Perhaps it is related to my spiritual side and I would like to find God, perhaps it is something less extreme, but either way, if I continue in the relationship, my strength wanes and my commitment doesn’t increase.

This is a life-changing direction. I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this for a few more days.

Time for bed – and prayer to help figure this out.

This is a blast of notes that I had taken on How to Win Friends & Influence People. Just posting (without formatting) for keeping tabs on how I thought about the things. 🙂

====

Notes while reading How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to get more out of the book:
a. Have deep desire to master human relations
b. Read each chapter twice before moving on.
c. Stop regularly to ask “how do I apply this?”
d. Underline while reading.
e. Review the book each month
f. Apply principles at every chance.
g. Develop motivation to use principles (like owing money when misusing technique)
h. Review progress weekly of mistakes, improvement and lessons learned.
i. Make notes in back of book.

PREFACE
The book has been translated into almost every written language, so it obviously has some good content.

There are always improvements being made to the text, this is just a starting point for these times – it was originally written in the 30s.

HOW THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN – AND WHY
Why should I bother to read this information? Most people need extensive training in the art of getting along with people on a day to day basis. Even in highly technical fields like engineering, success is only 15% technical ability and 85% interpersonal skills (personality & ability to lead people.)

“…the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people – that person is headed for higher earning power.”

This is a very exhaustive text – he read ferociously, and hired someone else – for a year and a half – to do the same! They pored through magazines, old books, new theories, biographies, and autobiographies – absolutely everything. Then they moved to interviewing successful people! Then, while that information was in use in the lecture hall, he solicited experiences from students to come back to relate what was learned – that’s where this book has spawned from. After remake and remake, this book has become what it is. It took 15 years to get to this form.

The rules set down in the book work like magic – they are tested and true, not simply guesswork or theories.

“For, ‘the great aim of education…is not knowledge but action.’ And this is an action book.”

NINE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS BOOK
1. “A deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.”

Action: Say to yourself over and over: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”

2. Read chapter fast at first to get an overview, then reread the chapter thoroughly.

3. Stop frequently to think about what’s being read.

4. Read with something to mark with. Put lines in the margin, or asterisks to highlight things – even underline comments that have strong potency. This will make it easier and faster to review for the greatest return over the long run.

5. After reading thoroughly the first time, spend a few hours each month reviewing it. Glance through it often for reference and refreshers. Recognize the room for improvement that will constantly be available to you.

6. Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. Apply these rules at every opportunity. Remember that you’re not trying to fill cells in your brain, you are trying to form new habits – to develop a new way of life. This is a handbook of human relations. Refer to these pages when an impulsive response seeps into your consciousness – make a choice that will develop your future.

7. Offer someone money each time they catch you violating a certain principle. Make a lively game out of mastering these rules.

Action: Develop a rule breaker jar to put in the kitchen as a reminder.

8. Designate a portion of every week to self-examination and review and appraisal.

Action: Develop a form to fill notes out on (when reviewing my weekly schedule.) Include the following questions: What mistakes did I make that time? What Did I do that was right, and in what way could I have improved my performance? What lessons can I learn from that experience?

9. Record specific successes of the application of these principles. Include names, dates, & results.

Part One – Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

CHAPTER 1 – IF YOU WANT TO GATHER HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE BEEHIVE
Most people don’t regard themselves as bad people, they justify, rationalize and explain.

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s –precious pride, hurts his sense of importance and arouses resentment.”

Experiments have proven that animals and humans alike who are “rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.”

“Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.”

Action: Minimize criticisms that I offer – even in the spirit of ‘constructiveness’. Instead, work to build up the things that they are doing well.

Lincoln’s favorite quote, “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”

Lincoln: “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” And later, “if I send this letter, it will relieve my feelings, but it will make Meade try to justify himself. It will make him condemn me. It will arouse hard feelings, impair all his further usefulness…and perhaps force him to resign…”

Idea – if you have harsh feelings towards a person, write them a letter – the most intensely cruel letter that can be composed of the situation – and then trash it. You’ll feel the better for getting it out of your system, and they’ll never find out about the rebuke.

“Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others – yes, and a lot less dangerous.”

“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”

Initial thought after reading Father Forgets: Life is short, be nice.

“It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.”

“As Dr. Johnson said: ‘God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man uintil the end of his days.’ Why should you and I?”

PRINCIPLE 1) Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

CHAPTER 2 – THE BIG SECRET OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE
“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything.” “And that is by making the other person want to do it.”

True, this can be with force, coercion, intimidation, or whatever vicious technique you can devise, but the fact remains. They will only do things if there is internal, personal motivation to pursue that item.

Everything that you and I do springs from the desire to be important.

Some things that people most want include:
1. Health and life preservation.
2. Food.
3. Sleep.
4. Money and the things money affords you.
5. An afterlife.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.

William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the CRAVING to be appreciated.”

“The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand.”

That desire to be important and great is what drives people to somewhat outlandish conclusions – remember the great criminals in our day, picture the egotistic teenager and his flashy car, the bragging of personal ability.

“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.”

“If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance, that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

Charles Schwab said: “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

It may seem natural to want to rebuke someone after a mistake, but be the bigger man, be interested in fostering improvement in the future – look for the good elements! Did they save some money or face from being lost? Were they able to come out with any extra skills at the end? Look for those positive things, and reinforce their efforts – that will pay you back much more than simply chiding them for a bad hand.

Primary reason that wives leave marriages: “lack of appreciation.” I’d bet that works for dating too.

Often we are more concerned with our temporary bodies by nourishing them with food than to nourish the spirit by positive reinforcement – breathing life into another human being.

“Flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.” “Flattery is counterfeit…” “The difference between appreciation and flattery?” “One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”

Learn not to take flattery to heart – recognize it for what it is: cheap praise.

How to not use flattery with other people:
“When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.”

Action: Post the following statement:

“I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

PRINCIPLE 2) Give honest and sincere appreciation.

CHAPTER 3 – “HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CANNOT WALKS A LONELY WAY.”
When you fish, you don’t think about what you want on the end of the hook, you think about what will attract the fish… why would you try to attract your peers with something that would repel you? Aren’t they not made of the same drives?

“…it is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish.”

“So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.”

“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.”

“…the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, [no matter the application] is: First, arouse the other person in an eager want.”

Examples: A) Sending a letter, neglecting to include the mentioned money (they wanted the $, so they wrote back) B) Explaining the value of vegetables (if eaten, he’d be able to stick up for himself against the bully) C) Understand things from their view (finger-painting is for kids who have been to kindergarten.)

Even if you are wronged, look for the way to talk in their interests. “Even if [you] convince him that he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in.”

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Examples: A) Letter writing, be sure to structure it in a way that they understand how they will benefit from following direction from the piece of paper.

We are all eternally interested in solving our problems. “…if salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us.” “…and customers like to feel that they are buying – not being sold.”

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”

“If out of reading this book you get just one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle – if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.”

Remember to ask yourself: “How can I tie up what I want to what he wants?”