So, where to start? I am sitting here in front of this computer, fingertips tender, body sore, and mind numb, and now what to say. First of all I suppose that I should explain the purpose of this letter. Though you may not have noticed through the duration of our ‘relationship’ I like to let my thoughts out on paper (or in this case on a screen) so that I can see what I am thinking. From time to time, the words that I write contradict themselves so if you notice that, know that it is a quite normal occurrence inside my head, and thus a cause for indecision at times. So, lucky you, you get to read what I have running through my head.

Periodically I try to explain all of my thoughts to someone but that really does not do them or myself any justice to the situation; infact, most of the time, it just confounds the situation. Now I find it interesting that I have the ability to discuss what I wrote, so save this because perhaps someday in the future it can be a document that enables us (mostly me) to have clarity in my discussions. When I can refer to something concrete (as in a piece of paper) it makes it harder for me to change what I was thinking or saying. I think all of that accurately explains why I am writing this. Okay, so on with the letter.

I am so fortunate that I had a chance to meet and get to know you, and it truly pleases me to say that I am a close friend of yours. I care about you immensely, if I had it my way I don’t know that I would spend much time away from you, because I care to know that you are safe and alright. Now of course I can’t really do that, but hey, it would be nice. The times that we have shared have been amazing and I pray that I will find someone else in my future that can fill the indelible footprints you have left on my mind and heart.

Now it would be inaccurate to say anything but I love you. However, because people as a general rule are protective of their domain and the like, I think it is safer for me to keep that all under wraps. I don’t know how your fiancé would take to that well. I certainly hope that everything works out for the best between you and Anthony, however, because I care about you to the extent that I do, I reserve the right to be fearful and anxious for you and your well being. I know that you deserve an incredible individual for a mate, however, it is unfortunate that I don’t know your groom to be well enough to say that he would pass the test.

I don’t know exactly what would be in the test, although I am sure that you are wondering what elements I might include. I suppose the regular stuff, you know: timed fitness trial, 1700 or above on the SAT’s, can stop speeding bullets with his teeth, and can jump over buildings in a single bound… Nothing too big. You hopefully can tell from that list that you are very valuable in my eyes. I think nothing small of you. Am I getting through?

Perhaps I can be more direct with addressing concerns. Know that these come from unconditional love for you and in no way are intended to put you either in a bad or defensive frame of mind.

Just imagine it all from my perspective… I get to know Tyson better through a mutual friend (Mindy) and so following natural course I wind up at his house watching a movie, and wow, Mika is there. Of course I knew of you before we had officially met at your house from being in the same group with you and Bo, but now I was in the same company as you. What’s more, I was sitting next to you! So the movie thing happened, and me, being myself, and you being yourself, began to flirt with each other and before either of us knew what was going on, we had kissed and spent the night together. Wow, what a night! I was thrilled… I don’t know how to explain it though, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was off at work. So yeah, our relationship continued and we got to know each other in a closer and closer fashion, I started to break down barriers that I hadn’t addressed because of your tender words and you were sharing things with me that I never would have dreamed of. Some things painful to hear of, and other things that were more exciting and fun. I couldn’t wait to get off of work to come see you. Wow. And the relationship continued.

I think we both agree that we were dating minus the titles, but because we hadn’t ever committed to one another, I felt that theoretically, I was still free on the market. That’s why I was willing to go and mess around with Kim. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake and that the relationship that we held was more valuable than that even without the titles attached. So trying to do the right thing I told you. It crushed me to see the sad look in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t gone and done that. Man I felt like a slug. Even now I am sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.

That done, the relationship we had went downhill from there. I don’t think that I have cried before losing someone in a relationship. I just thought of that as I was sitting here. You meant an incredible amount to me and it hurt so badly. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I think it was because I feel/felt that it was my undoing by screwing around with some other girl. Oh, the lessons we learn. I always seem to learn them the hard way no less. Go figure. So yeah, on with the letter, Cody.

So me being a relative creature of logic, I had a hard time with the breakup, not because of the breakup itself, it was more the inconsistencies in your reasoning. I’m sure I’ve tried to explain this before, but I know it wasn’t on paper so here you get to get it again! When you were breaking it off with me, you had said that things were ending with us because you wanted to feel free to date other guys, as in go out on dates, with out feeling guilty or feeling like you had to let me know. Not that I had a terrible problem with that, but, truth be told, I loved to spend time with you and if some other guy is, that would mean by logic, that I’m not. So okay, I suppose that I can handle that. But the next thing I know, you are dating Spencer. That wasn’t a bad thing at all, but let me explain. You had just told me that you wanted to date many guys, and not be in just one relationship. Um, you and Spencer, together? I think that means that you forgot about what you had told me just a couple weeks earlier, or you were lying to me, or you decided to change your mind because it suited you. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think of that situation and as it turned out (situations).

Oh shoot, time is running slim, I am headed off to get ready for Stake Conference today. I think I will be receiving the Melchezdik (sp?) Priesthood. Talk soon? I suppose that’s up to me isn’t it? So toodles for now. Cb

Live365.com

I need to break cycles in kids so that they don’t end up making choices like myself and most of my peers.  Premarital sex, damaging; pornography, heinous; fear, unnecessary; Spiritual life, imperative.  There are so many people that could be helped if only they had broken the cycles ahead of the time that they were gripping.  (they were damaging the whole time.)

1. Eric Peterson: Child molester. Great guy, but allowed for his appetites to cross lines that took him into the unlawful and dangerous.

2. Cody Bennett: look at what he’s got, potential excommunication, premarital sex, struggling inside to do what is right, masturbation as a vice, uncertain of direction, others demanding immediate response to the situations that he has led him into.

3. Helen Imamura: Spiritual blessings withheld because of involvement with Cody. Church membership likely set off because of actions.  Frustrations.  Fighting the world to stick with what she wants, even if it isn’t the best thing for her.  Associations from friends that are damaging and bad examples.

4. Adriana Rodriguez: from an alcoholic family.  Living with boyfriend even with the relationship on the rocks.  Wants what is right, but stuck with what is convenient (housing situations, boyfriends, etc.)

5. Sahra Clark: Emotionally Unsupportive husband.  He’s out late partying, she’s several months pregnant.

6. Mika/Jason Morford: Great folk, but willing to focus on the problem and not the solution.

Hey: Willing to focus on the problem and not on the solution!  What have I been doing!???

Okay off to bed for now.  We’ll continue this more in the future.

-cb; 4.1.03

Alright, my spirit is at such a low point right now that I am not sure it could go much lower. I wish I wasn’t in this situation. I wish I had the strength, I wish this were all just a bad bad dream. As it works out I have screwed with not only my life, my spirit, my success, but other people. My salvation now seems to be hanging in the middle.

I know that what I have done is completely wrong. I don’t really have much excuse. I am consumed with my own frustration and pain from doing things that are in society, unspeakable. I want to be rid of this.

With my going eagle this month, I see this as a plausible tool of an evil power. I know that I will be great, that I will impact many many people in a great way. I think the devil wants me to be in such a destructive situation that I cannot progress. I am stronger than him.

Pain frustration anger, confusion, worry, fear, hurt, anguish, sorrow. Those are just a few of the sensations that I am experiencing now.

Think of the day that I will be forgiven and healed completely of this issue.

Jounal entry
December 30, 2002

So what do I want to say. It’s 7:27 pm on a Monday night. I have been wrestling with what to do with my life. I guess I can just talk about my options and the pros and cons for each. Here’s the list of options that I’ve been considering (note that most of them are concerning girls… Go figure.)

1. Officially and unequivocally date Helen.
2. Officially and unequivocally date Shelley.
3. Officially and unequivocally date no one.

Read the rest of this entry »

Jounal entry

December 30, 2002

So what do I want to say.  It’s 7:27 pm on a Monday night.  I have been wrestling with what to do with my life.  I guess I can just talk about my options and the pros and cons for each.  Here’s the list of options that I’ve been considering (note that most of them are concerning girls…  Go figure.)

1. Officially and unequivocally date Helen.

2. Officially and unequivocally date Shelley.

3. Officially and unequivocally date no one.

Alright here’s the breakdowns for each item (1-3):

1. Officially and unequivocally date Helen.

 2. Officially and unequivocally date Shelley.

3. Officially and unequivocally date no one.

Heavenly Father,

I just finished saying a prayer to you in which I outlined a covenant with you.

I promise to you, and to myself to give up my rights and opinions on the matters of physical relations with women beyond this stated agreement with you:

I hereby refuse to have inappropriate relations with any woman. I promise that in the case of Helen, I will not lustfully kiss her (spend more than 2 seconds involved in a kiss), nor lay with her, nor to touch her in inappropriate locations, with or without clothing.

Heavenly Father, from this time on, I will not kiss any future girlfriend or interest that I have with a woman. I promise to you to keep our relationship as an example to your children as a righteous approach to relationships.

Most importantly, I will keep my thoughts righteous. If I notice a thought come into my mind that is not of you, I covenant with you that I will push it out. If necessary, I will physically leave a situation, or bring the matter up in discussion, regardless of the comfort level present.

Father, I know that this decision and commitment will bring me great blessings in my relationships with women, as well as my relationship with you. I will have a greater interest to serve you, and because of that, a deep rooted desire to serve others. My life, and the lives of those around me will be greatly blessed because of my covenant with you.

Thank you Father for this opportunity, to make yet another decision to keep my life in accordance to your will. Thank you for the change of heart that you are bringing to me stronger and stronger each day.

I love you very much and appreciate the blessings that you shower down upon me when I make covenant with you.

I say these things in Jesus’ name, amen.

December, 8 2002

Dear Heavenly Father,

It’s been a while since I’ve gotten really close to you for your comfort and guidance. That is precisely what I am doing now.

During this time together, please protect me from distractions and provide your Spirit to be with me to strengthen our relationship, as well as to help me to know the things to be discussed.

Heavenly Father, nothing that I bring to you tonight will be new to you. You know all and see all, because of that, this correspondence is for the development of our relationship which has recently been lacking.

Tyson suggested that I speak with you concerning a plan. I like that idea and now ask for your assistance in the production of this plan that I might accomplish a couple different things.

My goals are the following:

1. Grow closer to you and to your chosen church.

2. Be a guide and support to your children.

3. Follow your guidance for my life.

4. Become the very best Cody Bennett that you can mould.

5. Break the bonds of Satan which have previously plagued me.

Tyson also indicated that I could create a plan whereby I could keep up my end, and you would bless me with certain things that I might be able to overcome the challenges that pursue me.

From my understanding, my largest problem currently is the inappropriate relations that I have had with women. I believe this issue has long been developing, so I am thankful for your support in the breaking of this habit.

Pornography has been an issue. Being alone with women has been a problem. Getting physical with girls has been an ongoing curse.

Father, I know that the things I have experienced thus far are all great things inside certain bounds. I have violated those bounds. I am now here to set them straight.

Here are the things that I am going to do to receive your protection and blessings. I ask that you quicken my heart and mind to hear the promptings that you have for me.

Things I will do:

1. Daily scripture reading and study.
   1. Study on the sanctity of marriage.
   2. Study about Temples and Temple Marriage.
   3. Study about the atonement.
   4. Study the Miracle of Forgiveness.
2. Daily Personal Prayer
   1. Morning (after waking, before work)

i. Ask for your blessings throughout the upcoming day.

ii. Ask for strength.

iii. Admiration of You.

2. 2. During the day

i. Checking in

ii. Asking for help with specific issues

iii. Showing my love to you.

2. 3. Before bed

i. Give thanks for all of the blessings throughout the day.

ii. Ask for blessings for others

iii. Ask for blessings during sleep.

2. 4. Prayer before eating.
3. Sexual purity.
   1. Abstain from pornography.
   2. Abstain from masturbation.
   3. No passionate kissing.
   4. No laying together

i. Never on top of one another. (next to one another appropriate if adhering to other clauses)

ii. Sitting together while watching a movie or reading is alright.

3. 5. No touching another’s body inappropriately with or without clothing.
   6. Avoid conversation or activities that arouse sexual feelings

i. No teasing, joking, or playing around with that subject.

3. 7. Environment monitoring

i. Talk about the concerns with involved party. (ask for help with changing situation)

ii. Physically leave the situation.

These things could be considered challenging, and they certainly would be if I weren’t to have your help in this process. I know that you love me, and as my Father, you will look out for me, protect me when necessary, and constantly be concerned for me.

By following these things, the blessings that I will receive in return:

1. Your spirit to be with me.
   1. I will be able to notice it more quickly
2. A change within my own heart.
   1. Willing to follow the promptings of the Spirit.
3. Relationships will flourish.
   1. Friendships will become closer
   2. People will feel more willing to come to me with their challenges
4. Strength when near temptation.
   1. Ability to move from the situation.
   2. Ability to rectify/fix the environment.
5. Protection from temptation.
6. Opportunities to Minister to others.
   1. Helen
   2. Eric
   3. Others
7. Blessings of clarity of thought.
8. Able to better schedule my time
9. More organized

i. In study

ii. In work

iii. In home

10. Discipline to do Your Will, even when inconvenient.

Heavenly Father, I know that you are interested in my welfare, and I know that you will be available to me anytime to have your spirit to be with me for comfort and protection. All I must do is ask for it.

I pray now that you will provide that Mantle of Protection for me. In your word you say, “Many are called, but few are chosen.” Please provide the strength in character and integrity that will lead me to your chosen few.

I love you very much.

Thank you for your support, protection, and guidance in this rough time in my life.

In Your Son’s Name, Amen.

I think this will be a good opportunity to journal again.

I find that so many good thoughts come out on the screen when I do this, it allows me to see what I am thinking and to explore that thought process.

So here I am. Making a decision about how I will handle two girls. One that I have built a great relationship with, and another that there is a large unknown, but can choose to love if that is the route that I take.

Read the rest of this entry »

I think this will be a good opportunity to journal again.

I find that so many good thoughts come out on the screen when I do this, it allows me to see what I am thinking and to explore that thought process.

So here I am. Making a decision about how I will handle two girls. One that I have built a great relationship with, and another that there is a large unknown, but can choose to love if that is the route that I take. Read the rest of this entry »

FED 2002
What a function. I am working on Journaling. I just spoke with Kurt Goad. Asked about the process of sharing the love within to others. What there is that I can do to be able to spead that life to others. He answers many things, but mostly it is a great in great out theme. He suggested prayer, books, tapes, and journaling. Here is another journal entry.

Read the rest of this entry »