FED 2002
What a function. I am working on Journaling. I just spoke with Kurt Goad. Asked about the process of sharing the love within to others. What there is that I can do to be able to spead that life to others. He answers many things, but mostly it is a great in great out theme. He suggested prayer, books, tapes, and journaling. Here is another journal entry. Read the rest of this entry »

I love people.

I know that people are weird, but life is good.

I recognize that this is a numbers game and I just have to play it to the end… Perhaps it’s just like the variable rate burn for the string. I may find all the aces in the first four cards, but they also may be in the end. It’s all about consistency.

Lots of things on my heart right now. Lots of love. I recognize that the reason that I am here, that I am doing all of this, is that I have no other options. In order for me to treat my wife first class, in order to provide her with the very best things in life, I must discipline myself to do the things that may or may not be comfortable.

There are so many hearts out there that desire more out of life.; that recognize that there is more than just holding a job, maintaining a living. It is my mission to release them from the bondage that they would otherwise be condemned to receive, wither that entrapment be currently or in the future.

I look into peoples eyes and see so much more than what they see when they look into the mirror. It is my purpose to breathe life into those individuals who are lacking in their own hearts. It amazes me the intensity that people cling to the things that they are associated with.

I look at all the people around me, and they are no longer in looking to prosper, but to survive.

SURVIVAL,
STABILITY,
SUCCESS,
SIGNIFICANCE!

To prosper in life is to spill over the good in your life to the life of others. It is my mission to help people prosper who have ceased to do so. Many are hurting, many need the love of a Man to show them the way that they can become. So many people are developing and have a drop of hope in their souls that we must capture and develop until it is something of a falls coming forth from their mouths and hearts. Everyone was born for greatness, and because of my presence, more and more will be empowered to achieve it! In helping those who are currently at the stage of Survival, I am here to help them prosper to the extent that they are interested. In doing such, I will not only attain success, but to an extent, Significance.

Before the next function, I AM GOING EAGLE. I am forming my eagleship in the course of 30 days. This process holds a two fold purpose:

1. I will have no other explanation for my abilities but to place my accomplishment in the hands of God.
2. I will no longer be able to accept the excuse that I, or anyone else, are unable to perform such a feat.

I know that when I put my mind to a goal, I can achieve it. My CORE streak was started with a decision, my reading of the Book of Mormon was started with a decision, my winning of the artistry contest was made through a decision. This is another one that will be accomplished through that same process.

This run will be a run of numbers. I will track closely the successes and failures, and hope to receive the failures. Those letdowns will not be negative at all, but instead, uplifting experiences that allow me to go forth and find something more out of life!

All successful people are not successful because of talent, but because of persevearance. I am a man of resolve that shall not be shaken from this endeavor.

In thirty days, I will show an overview to 30 different people. Some will be ones that I know currently, but more likely than not, it will be people that the Lord brings into my path. God intends for me to prosper, and as such, He will bring all the people into my life that I will need to accomplish this goal.

No excuse will compete with my resolve to accomplish this task. I will be stronger, faster and smarter than any opponent who dare divert my attentions.

My business comes first, my relationship with Bill and Sharon second, Helen third, and friends fourth.

This goal will provide me with the following results:
1. Greater confidence within myself.
2. A respect from those people around me.
3. The privilege to work with Brad Wolgamott directly.
4. The privilege to sit in the Eagle Section at FED and future functions.
5. The privilege to attend the Eagle Only functions – both in Juneau and at major functions.
6. The greater responsibility to server. (I grow as a man and a server.)
7. Financial rewards from business development.

At eagle I will reward myself with a new camera.
At double eagle, I will reward myself with a new video camera.

I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be able to roll over and kiss my wife, and snuggle in closer rather than get up and hit the streets with the need for chasing the dollar.

I refuse to allow money to control and dominate my life.

I want my kids to be able to know that their father is a champion of life. I desire my wife and children to see me as a hero in their lives.

I will leave a financial and spiritual legacy for the Bennett family.

I will be able to provide for my family in a first class way.

My mother will have the best possible care available when the time comes.

My brother will be able to pursue any of the desires that he has as an adolescent and young adult.

originally written 7.28.02 – how time flies…

Journal Entry – February 13, 2002

So yet another journal entry. I don’t really know what I have in mind to talk about (or I mean type about) but I still feel like typing. I just was working on the beginning of a memo to Joe about some training recommendations for Sandlin and Holly. Joe has opened up the opportunity for me to move into more of an ‘Operations Manager’ for the helpdesk. It provides more responsibility and more flexibility, so I am not sure how it will turn out. I suppose the way I look at it for the moment is that I can try it and if for some reason it doesn’t work for me, I can always move back to the generic Helpdesk dude.

Read the rest of this entry »

Journal Entry – February 13, 2002

So yet another journal entry. I don’t really know what I have in mind to talk about (or I mean type about) but I still feel like typing. I just was working on the beginning of a memo to Joe about some training recommendations for Sandlin and Holly. Joe has opened up the opportunity for me to move into more of an ‘Operations Manager’ for the helpdesk. It provides more responsibility and more flexibility, so I am not sure how it will turn out. I suppose the way I look at it for the moment is that I can try it and if for some reason it doesn’t work for me, I can always move back to the generic Helpdesk dude.

Okay, next subject. I am reading John Maxwell’s, Developing the Leader Within You. It’s a great book, the way it flows is very smooth, and it has lots of potent snippits that I can highlight and comment on which makes it nice for me. It’s a great study book. In fact, it’s interesting that at the moment, Joe is taking a leadership class as well. I don’t know if he is learning anything, but it is fun to watch him grow. I am in a weird position… I think I am more experienced when it comes to that sort of thing, so I feel somewhat obligated to help him grow into the position. For example, he periodically will touch me on the shoulder or pat me on the back… Typically he isn’t a touchy person with very many people so it is my assumption that he is trying to communicate more with my style of communication, physical touch. It’s been interesting to say the least.

Lets see, something else… oh, I am going to see Helen soon. Actually, I leave Thursday (now it is late night of Tuesday). I don’t really know what I am doing in the matter. I would suggest that it is more I am bending to her desires, but I don’t know if I want to be in a different position at the moment. I know that it will be good for me to be around her. As it currently stands, I have been somewhat unfaithful when it comes to my thoughts. Lets just say that they haven’t consistently been of her. I think the challenge comes from a difference in our priorities. She is psyched to be in a relationship with me, however, I have lots of different priorities. Right now, a relationship is not the highest thing on my list. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I know it will all work out for the best.

It seems that we have several starkly different opinions of important things. My perspectives are perhaps a little more deeply defined, and I think that gives her the impression that I expect that of her. In some ways I would like her to agree with me, but I know there is a purpose behind her perspectives also. I wonder if this is what a married relationship will be like also… full of disagreements and possible mental unfaithfulness. I guess I would like to think that things are more storybook than that.

What else could I mention… My explorer is in the shop right now… I am going to have them try to fix the troubles that it has been having with the electrical system. Hopefully they will be able to track it down and fix it really fast. I included a breakdown of all the things that I have done with it in hopes that they will be able to use the information to determine the cause for it’s behavior.

Okay, so I got a little side tracked… I just went through the process of removing all of the information linked to Windows Media Player because I had tons of titles where the files aren’t held on this computer anymore. I burned them all to CD. I found the way to remove it.

All right (though I think it should be spelled alright) I am going to get some more reading done before going to sleep. I think Cheryl is planning on waking me in the morning. That should be interesting. I don’t really know what to expect, though she might be able to give me a ride to my car, or to work… Though the biking situation isn’t so bad.

With that, have a great night, and I hope that you have learned something, and perhaps had some fun remembering these experiences.

Till next time,
-Cody

Okay, so another day down. Work at the helpdesk was good, nothing unique to report other than my training of Holly. It was good, though I like training when contacts are coming in.

Another good thing was that we talked about our interlude. I suppose we were both aware that it might be awkward working together. I found that she wasn’t upset with me, and that is good. Right now the air is cleared. We’ll see what happens. Adriana backed out of climbing at the rock dump… that was lame. In retrospect, I gave her a real hard time about that. I want to do that less (give hard times.) Perhaps we’ll go soon. I think Friday is the planned time.

Tyson gets back tomorrow. Oh my gosh. It’s been 2 years already! Yikes. I wonder what he will think about my activity level. I hope he is graceful about it. I’d guess he would.

Helen paged me today, just a little note/msg to let me know that she loves me. I wonder what love means.

I still might go to fairbanks in a couple of weeks. I’m waiting for a guy at statewide to get back to me about it. Hopefully I’ll know more tomorrow.

I talked with Eric for a while today about the housing arrangement… It seemed to go well, but we’ll see what happens with Amanda. I wish there was some easy way to accomplish everyone’s desires. Likely not, but it’d be kinda neat.

Tomorrow there is a Pohl BP here. I need to use some time to clean, and maybe do some dishes too.

Oh today I found out that I have female sperm. I guess all guys have it, but needless to say, I was a bit surprised.

Well, I’ve still got some reading.

Night!
-Cody

January 27, 2002

From the Gray Journal

Hmm… so I guess it’s a good thing that I include the year in my datings. At this rate, I’ll finish this Journal by the year 3037. Oh well, at least I’m writing again.

My Explorer has been troubles for me recently for some reason, it wouldn’t hold a charge well enough for me to start the engine. I know I should proably get it looked at, but it’s just as easy not to.

Eric mentioned today or maybe yesterday that he was interested in entertaining the idea of his girlfriend living with us. I don’t know about it… I sent a msg to Bill asking for some input.

Work will likely get a little more interesting… Holly, from my past, is working at the helpdesk now… Actually so is Sandlin, but I am looking forward to that.

It’s been really cold for the last few days… I think the highs have been in the 20’s. I’m not real keen on it and apparently neither is my car.

Things with Helen are good. I’m trying to comprehend the differences between lust and love, and have more of the latter. I miss her a lot, but also, I need to be mindful of my future family, so I don’t fee right about going to visit, though it sure would be fun. I wonder if there are any web specials…

Tyson Kearns gets back from his mission on Thursday, and I have mixed feelings on the matter. I think it’s more the guilt about being “apostate”. I love that I have had so many questions answered, but also I find some things hard to connect with possibility. Also, because there is so much misunderstanding, I don’t want to create differences and disagreements on spiritual matters in my business.

Speaking of business, I need to get my license. Also my tax stuff. Ungh. For some reason, I have an urge to just be lazy. I need to get out of that.

Anyhow, enough for the night. I have mwork at 8:00, and I want to get there early. It’ll be a busy day. Goodnight.

-Cody

Cody-

Thanks again for a reply. I know that you’re dying to figure this all out and are probably confused as hell… all I can say is been there, done that. So here’s my response:

* First I have to say, “ye-ha. That first email was VERY skeletal. Don’t do it again. It left me hanging by a thread”….

Yeah sorry about leaving you hanging… But you do have to admit that the suspense was fun, right?

Okay, so let me just throw out a quick story to relate. So the last week that Ed was in town (also my last week, I believe), I was at a party at Spencer Stekoll’s house with Trang. Ed and his friend ended up showing up for a little bit, but left early. I was “hoping” that he wouldn’t because that would essentially be “the last night” with Ed ( I hope you get the subtle meaning behind that ). Anyways, he left early, and Trang and I got drunk (sounds like a familiar story, eh?) So she and Spencer disappear to the bedroom and everyone starts to scatter. I was left with Connor (don’t know if you remember him, he graduated in 97) and we engaged in a drunken conversation for a bit then crash on the couch. Nothing happened between us, but somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I decide to wander around the house in a drunken state. Needless to say, I stumbled upon Justin (Spencer’s older brother) and some other chick. I guess they’d just “finished” and he invited me to join them in the bed. I did, although she didn’t agree to the idea and left. So we were left and ended up fooling around (no sex, just foreplay). Afterwards, I spent the day in a weird stupor. I felt a little used, definitely bad because I had technically cheated on Ed (even though we were nothing serious), and just down right weird… I never mentioned this to anyone, not Ed, not Tia or even Jason. The only other person who knows about it is Trang, just because she was there and found me in bed the next morning. What I’m trying to get at is that I thought that by not acknowledging that it happened, I could essentially forget about it. But honestly it still lingers in the back of my mind and just writing this to you is helping me to move on…. anyways, back to your problems….

You may find this question unrelated to all of our correspondance, but I thought of it, so I’ll ask. Why have you, and why do you go all the way with guys? What do you do it for? I picked up that you and Ed were, shall we say, sexually active, but why so far? Just asking for some Rhonda insight. Let me know (an “I don’t know” is acceptable, but you and I both know that it’s a cop out… even though we have both used it…)

Tell me, how would you have felt about the whole situation if you and Ed hadn’t been together? I would wager that you would still feel a little used, and thus a little bad as well. In my situation, I would have no qualms with what I did, other than the fact that I am dating Helen at the same time.

Sounds like you’re having a hard time keeping up with your relationship with Helen, or a steady relationship at that. I do understand how much “easier” it is to keep up a relationship with a person when you are physically around them. But the distance is the true test. I’m definitely starting to feel more lonely and insecure without having Jason here. It’s been almost a month since he left and it’ll be another month until he comes back. Not that my life depends on him or anything (although he was a good source of partying) besides I have school and music to focus on, but it was just “nice ” to have him around and to be able to hang out with him. Anyways…. (I’m trying to stay focused on my response to you)

Yeah, distance is certainly a test… I don’t think I am doing so well at it… Bleh… I think Helen likes where the relationship is at and the same goes for me, except that I don’t really want to be violating her trust like I have.

I really don’t know what to say about it all. I know that you care about Helen, and that you don’t want to hurt her. And I know that holding in all that information seems like the best solution… but let me tell you, I’ve been on the receiving line and it’s NOT the best feeling in the world when you find out something like that, especially from someone else. I don’t know if you remember me telling you how Colleen told me that Matt had cheated on me. And when I confronted him he basically told me that he didn’t plan on telling me about it, figured that he’d forget about it and that I wouldn’t find out (sound like a familiar thought?) What I’m trying to get at is no matter how much you want to keep the past, well, in the past… it’s tough because it always finds its way of showing it’s ugly face. I’m not saying that I’d tell her, I’m just saying that it’s better to be honest.

I don’t know that I ever heard that you were cheated on… I know that hearing the news from a third party would be horrible, but again, the only third party that knows anything to tell to anyone would be you. I will keep it that way also. (So don’t think you can say anything without me knowing who spilled.) Of course I know that you wont, but still… Gotta make it known in situations like this.

Actually that isn’t really all that accurate… I do want to tell her, but I don’t want to have the relationship dissolve, nor to I want a lasting ripple that will stay with her. I would love to know that as soon as I have told her, she would forgive me, and we can move on. Being LDS means that, in theory, there is to be no premarital sex. Yeah, I went and messed that up with Mika, and realized the badness that happened in relationships when sex was introduced. I felt bad about it, especially since her father trusted me, and I violated that trust. I decided to tell him, expecting him to be furious about my lack of respect and violation of church standards, but instead, the first things out of his mouth were along the lines of, “It’s okay Cody, I forgive you.” I guess I would just like Helen to do the same. Wishful thinking huh?

Now there’s the issue of when or where to tell Helen. You’re right about not being any good time to tell someone these sort of things, but then again a breakdown in the middle of school wouldn’t be cool either. Again, I’ve been there, done that.

Okay, so there is no good time for me to tell her. I would suggest summer, but that is a long time away. I guess my thought on the matter is to keep it in the dark, work on forgiving myself for my mistakes, and then at some point way in the future (like next summer) either she will have broken up with me, or I will be able to tell her about my mistakes in the past that I never had the heart to tell her of. Then I can tell her it hasn’t happened again, and I just didn’t want to continue keeping something like that from her. I know that at that point she’d still be upset, but I would also like to think that she would forgive me and move on because it was so far in the past. Perhaps a dumb idea, but first I need to work on forgiving myself.

And I know that it seems easy to deem yourself as the bad person. From an outsider view, I guess yes, you’d fit the role. But remember you learn from all life experiences, good or bad.

Yeah, thanks… I appreciate you trying to build me up… You stinker. I know that I learn from all experiences, but the idea of wisdom is to build upon what others have learned, and not to make those mistakes.

So basically, I’m rooting for telling her everything. That’s my opinion and you don’t have to do it. Just know that whatever you do, I’ll be here to listen. I’m pretty beat myself (although I haven’t really done much, except been really lazy and stay in on this Saturday evening, hoping that I’d get motivated to do some homework, but that’s what Sundays are for). Respond with more questions, and seriously, if you need a phone conversation… 415-406-4039. Hope this all helps…hang in there:)

Rhonda:)

Rooting for telling her everything, huh? Yeah, I know that would be the best, but as you have also agreed, there really isn’t a time that would be appropriate…

Thanks,
Cody

RHONDA’S MESSAGE
Cody-

Finally, you started writng me back!!! 🙂

So.. wow… sounds like you’ve got a thick gravy of issues….by the way, thanks for choosing me to confide in. I know what it’s like to have certain issues that you just need the right type of person to confide in. But you obviously know that I’m always here for you and willing to listen:) And vice versa….

No problem. I know that with what we have shared, that you are who I can refer to as a sounding board, and your head is grounded so I wont have to deal with criticism and any unwanted advice (meaning you seem to know how to give wanted advice.)

So yeah… where to start with this all…. So let me start with some questions. How much of your past does Helen know about? Does she know about all the stuff that went down between you and Mika, and all that jazz? I think that you may have made some good guesses as to how she’ll react to the news, but then again, she’s a normal girl. Honestly, I’d be shocked and maybe angry or hurt… but if the relationship is worth keeping up, then I’d be more willing to move on and let the past be the past. That’s exactly how me and Jason turned out. I was SO trying to keep my past year and all that drama a secret from him… and then after that one night at the lake ( Labor Day weekend ), the subject of sex came up and he asked me how many people I’ve slept with. Boy, was I nervous!!! But I told him the truth. He was VERY shocked… and after I told him EVERYTHING that happened, he felt more comfortable with me and even shared some deep dark secrets of his own. So your outcome won’t necessarily come out “bad”, although it may be hard to accept what has happened in the past ( for both people ). Another question that I came up with, is why do you really want to end the relationship? Is it because you don’t want to tell her about your past? Or is it because you don’t find the desire to “be” in the relationship anymore?

How much of my past… I was going to tell you that she knew nearly everything, but I don’t think that is accurate when I sit and think about it. Back when we weren’t yet an item (x-mas break) and I screwed around with 2 different girls, I told her about that. It was hard, but since we weren’t dating, it was somehow forgiven. It was then that she gave me the impression that if we were actually dating, it would be (in my wording, not hers) unforgiveable. I don’t know if she knows that I have had sex with Mika, but I think she would assume. I haven’t said one way or the other.

“Or is it because you don’t find the desire to be in the relationship anymore?” I don’t know about that one. I would like to think that I want to be in the relationship, but in all reality, I don’t think I have been acting that way now that she is out of town. With what I know, actions are bred from thoughts. If my actions show that I am not committed to this relationship, I don’t think it would be accurate to say that I greatly desire to be in the relationship. But then again, I do want to be with her. Ack!

Those are the first couple of questions that came to mind after reading your email. I’ve got to run and get some errands done right now, but I hope that you write me back!!! And if you just can’t seem to fit it all in an email… my phone number is (415) 406-4039.
Rhonda:)

Wow, I just reread the message that I had sent you last night… Oh boy… Talk about suspense. I gave you no information whatsoever. I think this email will change that.

So yeah… Out with the truth Cody… Out with it. F

Okay… So yeah I think I’m stalling, but that’s all right gives you more to read right?

Since Helen has left town, I think it would be more than accurate to say that I haven’t been physically faithful to her. However, because of that, it would mean that I haven’t been emotionally faithful to her either.

I could start justifying why it isn’t all that big of a deal. I don’t expect that I will me marrying her. That means that I don’t need to fear being an adulterator. Right, that sounds so good Cody… I could refer to how our parents viewed dating.

For the older generations, dating consisted simply of going out on dates. Didn’t matter who it was which night, our current dating would be related to “going steady” right? So yeah… I kinda like the idea of being able to date all sorts of people… And that’s not any big deal, but the physical aspect that I find sometimes comes with that is the big deal, right?

I have added one girl to the dreaded list that I have running – I hope you know what I am referring to…. I don’t necessarily regret anything about it, other than I am dating Helen at the same time. It was a one-time experience, and there were no drugs or alcohol. Actually, you have heard me speak of her. She is the gorgeous single mom that I have mentioned.

And I have also kissed Mika, though that was a big mistake and I have closed that. (Thank god) Besides, she is leaving Juneau for Utah on the 29th possibly for good.

I really don’t want to lose Helen. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know what to do. The way I am thinking right now is that I just wont tell her, and she wont find out, and I will get better about it all. That is what I would like to do and am strongly considering.

I think of the other option of telling her. That would be catastrophic. She will completely break down at school, and there really is no good time for me to tell her. I think in terms of ending the relationship that we have right now I am leaving it up to her.

I think about the idea of repentance, and I am scared. Right now, I would say that I haven’t gone through the process. If I had previously, like I thought I had, I wouldn’t have been doing these things to begin with.

I would be inclined to say that there is something wrong with me, and that I am bad person for making such choices, but that isn’t really an option as I see it.

Rhonda, I really don’t know what to do. Aaaarrrrggggg!!! I wish she could see right through me, or find someone else, or decide that because she is at school, the long distance thing wont work. I didn’t have any problems while she was in town, only while she is away… Grrr.

I don’t want any pain for her, and that is the hardest part of it all. I KNOW that I could continue without her knowing about this, and therefore she wouldn’t be able to be upset about this, but I also know that if she found out, she would be furious and crushed that I withheld that information from her, no matter how painful.

The fact that I had withheld it would be more upsetting than me actually doing it.

If I had to guess, I am all done with my shenanigans, which means that I don’t have to worry about the continuation of my habit, but then again, I thought I was done before.

If you would like to respond, go for it. I would love to hear your perspectives, but also I would like to know what you have been through and how you handled them and how they turned out. I also want to be able to decide what to do. I would like to know that I am a good person in spite of all my egregious errors.

Well, this is a long email now, and only a portion of what runs through my head fairly consistently. I think I will close this now, and fall asleep where I sit… I am bushed.

Hopefully I will talk to you soon. Perhaps your email will me long and through also.

Talk to you soon.
Thank you,
Cody

So, where to start? I am sitting here in front of this computer, fingertips tender, body sore, and mind numb, and now what to say. First of all I suppose that I should explain the purpose of this letter. Though you may not have noticed through the duration of our ‘relationship’ I like to let my thoughts out on paper (or in this case on a screen) so that I can see what I am thinking. From time to time, the words that I write contradict themselves so if you notice that, know that it is a quite normal occurrence inside my head, and thus a cause for indecision at times. So, lucky you, you get to read what I have running through my head.

Periodically I try to explain all of my thoughts to someone but that really does not do them or myself any justice to the situation; infact, most of the time, it just confounds the situation. Now I find it interesting that I have the ability to discuss what I wrote, so save this because perhaps someday in the future it can be a document that enables us (mostly me) to have clarity in my discussions. When I can refer to something concrete (as in a piece of paper) it makes it harder for me to change what I was thinking or saying. I think all of that accurately explains why I am writing this. Okay, so on with the letter.

I am so fortunate that I had a chance to meet and get to know you, and it truly pleases me to say that I am a close friend of yours. I care about you immensely, if I had it my way I don’t know that I would spend much time away from you, because I care to know that you are safe and alright. Now of course I can’t really do that, but hey, it would be nice. The times that we have shared have been amazing and I pray that I will find someone else in my future that can fill the indelible footprints you have left on my mind and heart.

Now it would be inaccurate to say anything but I love you. However, because people as a general rule are protective of their domain and the like, I think it is safer for me to keep that all under wraps. I don’t know how your fiancé would take to that well. I certainly hope that everything works out for the best between you and Anthony, however, because I care about you to the extent that I do, I reserve the right to be fearful and anxious for you and your well being. I know that you deserve an incredible individual for a mate, however, it is unfortunate that I don’t know your groom to be well enough to say that he would pass the test.

I don’t know exactly what would be in the test, although I am sure that you are wondering what elements I might include. I suppose the regular stuff, you know: timed fitness trial, 1700 or above on the SAT’s, can stop speeding bullets with his teeth, and can jump over buildings in a single bound… Nothing too big. You hopefully can tell from that list that you are very valuable in my eyes. I think nothing small of you. Am I getting through?

Perhaps I can be more direct with addressing concerns. Know that these come from unconditional love for you and in no way are intended to put you either in a bad or defensive frame of mind.

Just imagine it all from my perspective… I get to know Tyson better through a mutual friend (Mindy) and so following natural course I wind up at his house watching a movie, and wow, Mika is there. Of course I knew of you before we had officially met at your house from being in the same group with you and Bo, but now I was in the same company as you. What’s more, I was sitting next to you! So the movie thing happened, and me, being myself, and you being yourself, began to flirt with each other and before either of us knew what was going on, we had kissed and spent the night together. Wow, what a night! I was thrilled… I don’t know how to explain it though, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was off at work. So yeah, our relationship continued and we got to know each other in a closer and closer fashion, I started to break down barriers that I hadn’t addressed because of your tender words and you were sharing things with me that I never would have dreamed of. Some things painful to hear of, and other things that were more exciting and fun. I couldn’t wait to get off of work to come see you. Wow. And the relationship continued.

I think we both agree that we were dating minus the titles, but because we hadn’t ever committed to one another, I felt that theoretically, I was still free on the market. That’s why I was willing to go and mess around with Kim. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake and that the relationship that we held was more valuable than that even without the titles attached. So trying to do the right thing I told you. It crushed me to see the sad look in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t gone and done that. Man I felt like a slug. Even now I am sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.

That done, the relationship we had went downhill from there. I don’t think that I have cried before losing someone in a relationship. I just thought of that as I was sitting here. You meant an incredible amount to me and it hurt so badly. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I think it was because I feel/felt that it was my undoing by screwing around with some other girl. Oh, the lessons we learn. I always seem to learn them the hard way no less. Go figure. So yeah, on with the letter, Cody.

So me being a relative creature of logic, I had a hard time with the breakup, not because of the breakup itself, it was more the inconsistencies in your reasoning. I’m sure I’ve tried to explain this before, but I know it wasn’t on paper so here you get to get it again! When you were breaking it off with me, you had said that things were ending with us because you wanted to feel free to date other guys, as in go out on dates, with out feeling guilty or feeling like you had to let me know. Not that I had a terrible problem with that, but, truth be told, I loved to spend time with you and if some other guy is, that would mean by logic, that I’m not. So okay, I suppose that I can handle that. But the next thing I know, you are dating Spencer. That wasn’t a bad thing at all, but let me explain. You had just told me that you wanted to date many guys, and not be in just one relationship. Um, you and Spencer, together? I think that means that you forgot about what you had told me just a couple weeks earlier, or you were lying to me, or you decided to change your mind because it suited you. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think of that situation and as it turned out (situations).

Oh shoot, time is running slim, I am headed off to get ready for Stake Conference today. I think I will be receiving the Melchezdik (sp?) Priesthood. Talk soon? I suppose that’s up to me isn’t it? So toodles for now. Cb

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