Alright, this is another method for relaying what I am thinking. I don’t exactly know right now, so I think this will likely be a forum to express some of what I have been feeling recently. Well, we will see how it turns out.
I wonder where Jaime is… I hope that she isn’t getting herself into too much trouble. One can only handle so much. I would like to talk to her when I get back, but I don’t know if I will have the time as it will be somewhat late at that point (as it is already 1:20 in the morning) Okay, so what do I have going on in my head?
This was an absolutely amazing weekend. I don’t think I have spent a better time with closer friends. I was able to see Tommy, Dan, Corey, Jeff, and then Helen. This was amazing. I liked the spontanaety, I liked the atmosphere. I loved the time with Helen, that was the best part by far. There is so much that I would like to have, yet so much that I have jeapordized. I think it was great getting to know Jaime and Reesie, and that they will likely give their blessing to me to be with Helen. I know that I am a good Man to be in a relationship with. I know that I will constantly improve myself, because I am committed to the process of changing lives. I don’t know what it was about my physical actions, why I screwed around, why I couldn’t be stronger.
Perhaps it was because I wasn’t strong enough. If that is the case, why am I not strong enough? What gives?
Alright, this is another method for relaying what I am thinking. I
don’t exactly know right now, so I think this will likely be a forum to
express some of what I have been feeling recently. Well, we will see
how it turns out.
I wonder where Jaime is… I hope that she isn’t getting herself into too
much trouble. One can only handle so much. I would like to talk to her
when I get back, but I don’t know if I will have the time as it will be
somewhat late at that point (as it is already 1:20 in the morning)
Okay, so what do I have going on in my head?
Well, this may very well be short lived, but I thought that I would write me a little journal entry since I am waiting for Joseph to give control of the desk to me. Today and yesterday, I have been taking it very easy. I actually have been in bed until 3 pm each day. I didn’t have to start work until 4 so I figure that could work. I know that it would be better for me to get up earlier, but for some reason I rationalize my not getting up. oh well.
Hey there,
How’s it going?
I would love to talk with you. In fact the longer and longer that we do not talk, the more that I feel that we need to talk. It’s kinda strange. Though I usually try to not let my feelings get in the way, I am having a very hard time doing that here. I feel as though things have changed…
Now for something insightful.
I think this will be a description of what I have going on in my head at the moment. It is currently 12:28 so I think that I will just type until 1:15 or so. We’ll see what it turns into. I plan this to be a dialog that I might use to create clarity in thought and perhaps a plan of action for my situation. (Assuming that I find elements that might use change.
I am a 20 Male that has several things going on in my life. I own a Business called Freedom Enterprises. I have two jobs which I work too many hours at even with just around 40 being the current number.
I have girl issues/challenges/concerns that seemingly haunt me. I can’t resolve them and find a point of balance. At least so far.
I will be right back I need to forward the phones to voicemail.
Okay, so I am back.
Now continuing. I have a quasi-relationship with Mika Kearns, who I care a whole lot about, but it doesn’t seem that the feelings are reciprocated in the least. I have the innate ability of calling when she is sleeping, on the phone, or gone. I find that the idea of carrying a pager so that people (like Mika) can get a hold of me is lost in a situation like this. I can leave messages like crazy, write emails, stop by, but yet seemingly nothing ilicits any sort of response. Even when she says that she will page me later (as in when I call her and she is on the other line) I find that it is easier just not to believe her.
So we made love to each other. Wow. I didn’t think that I would have had that pleasure. I am torn at the situation. I would think that it was done out of love and for a learning experience, but I am not sure what to be learning. Nor that it was done out of love. During the course of sex I made the mistake of asking her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. Now that is great and all, but it is rolling around towards two weeks after our last encounter and I haven’t had her contact me once. I however have tried several times. I have written email, called, stopped by, left messages every possible instance. I would think that perhaps she is too busy to get back to me, however I just don’t find that to be the situation. I could be wrong though, I won’t rule that out.
So now I am torn. I have shared so much, I care for her emmensely, I wish nothing but the best for her, and so my predicament is whether or not to continue to even try. Now she said yes to being my girlfriend, but I am lead to believe that is not really the situation. I would think that if that were the situation, I would see her more often, with more positive thoughts associated with her presence as opposed to the current condition.
So then to add to the mess, I have Mindy, who I really care about also, and I would think that she feels the same as well towards me in terms of the caring for each other. So the weird thing to that is Tommy is involved with her. I don’t want to tread on Tommy’s space. I don’t think that would be a very mature thing to do. Tommy always did have a way with women. I find that to be true through and through. I would bank that Mika even has the hots for him. I wonder what I can do to change me. There must be something wrong with me for certainly it
wouldn’t be them.
To make things more interesting, Clarissa likes me also. I must admit that she is very nice and interesting. She has a good heart. I think that in the situation though I am more developed mentally than her and so in terms of a relationship I don’t think that it would be very good
for me.
August 22, 2000
From the Gray Journal
Wow, I just read through that all & man have things changed. I don’t know that I could include it all in between this cover. I think I will make a couple of lists. One of them will be things that have changed since my last writing and would currently be incorrect and the second list will be of things I would like to remember to include & talk about later on. So now the lists:
List #1:
List #2:
[…and I must have stopped, because…]
August 23, 2000
Well I think that will do for now, but I am reserving the right to add more. You know since I really haven’t completed many entries throughout the summer, I don’t think this will be an accurate represnetation of
[…and I must have stopped again!…]
June 21, 2000
From the gray journal.
This is the beginning of a beautiful thing. this summer will be one of a life time & thus I wanted to notate it as much as possible. I have several things that I need to write about before I started this collection of experiences. I think it would be prudent to speak of myself, my perspectives, my relationships, my mentalities & my actions so you have a clue of what was going on around this time.
Okay, so I am 19 what else? Currently I am working for Gray Line of Alaska and Best Western. At grayline I am doing biking and walking tours as well as abaggaged duty from time to time. I’m making $8 an hour & then getting tips as well. With 40+ (40-45) hrs/wk its full time but with the hourly so low, I ent to find more cash with Best Western. With them, I am the van driver, they have ten hr shifts so definitely OT hours but beyond that, there is good tip $.
There have been a lot of new people that I have met this summer also, quite a few of them LDS as well, I will include some pictures in this collection for posterity so you’ll have to hold out until then.
Before I forget, the following is a list of things I need to write about soon in this book. They are:
* Mendenhall Lake Hoosh (a wednesday night)
* East Glacier Trail (Bushwhacking & Losing Joe)
* West Glacier Trail (to the face in the wet)
* Windfall Lake Trail (the cabin boardwalk paradise)
* Herbert Glacier Trail (Animals & darkness)
For now though, I will continue with the stuff about me. More specifically the girl realm with me. Some day I willl look back at all of this and laugh. Seemingly each day I become more experienced when it comes to physical interaction with women. I don’t think I can come much closer to intercourse w/out having sex. It is my decision that I am at the apex of what I will experience before marriage. In terms of liking girls I definitely do let me give a break down of who I like & what is and will happen with them. Mika I have admitted that I love her, knowing myself that my love is an unexplained admiration of her qualities. She is currently dating Spencer Wood, but if I didn’t know that from conversation it would be hard if not impossible to tell so. Girls I like or would enjoy dating or courting are Heidi, Annie, Caroline and maybe Serenity Franklin (once she gets considerably older.)
===
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
The post ends there, but I thought I’d note some reflections of my comments from 2000. I frequently spell definitely as “definately”, Girls are still a bit confusing, and I’m often distracted easily. I changed jobs to UAS IT Services… And speaking of which, I’m at work, so I’d better get back to it (and I’m out of things to comment on.)
I’m at work, but I thought that I would start this email at least. How have you been, I’ve been doing not so well. Go figure. So where to start with what’s on my mind. I think that I’ll start with I’m Sorry. For what though is another matter altogether.
Due to the depressive-ness of being alone, I plan to list out what I want in a partner.
What I Want in a Partner:
Right now, I plan to look into Crystal Novotney, Olivia Lee, Mara Early?. I know Crystal knows how I feel about her. She is committed to Andy. I think I should move on. Olivia is fun to be around & craves a lot of the things I do:
I admire Crystal because of her looks, moods (happy, sad, confused), almost a blonde approach to life, honesty, pity (she lost virginity before 16), smart (not really academically), quick witted, fun, emotional. I admire Olivia for her intelligence, resposibility, quietness, openness, honesty, and the fact we’re both interested in the same things (see previous). I like Mara for her commitment to what she has her mind set on, her playfullness, honesty, and friendlyness. I’ll try Olivia, see if I can at least get her to go out with me. I’d like to make out with someone to learn what it’s like although breaking maybe more troubles than its worth. Life can be fun, it can also be a pain, it’s up to the liver to determine what the quality of life will be. I think it was last thursday, I talked to crystal – we covered the fact that I love her, the realm of religion, and smaller items which I can’t recall. She invited me to go to church w/her I am kind of kicking myself that I didn’t take her up on her offer it may of provided a door to her life. It definitely would have been cool seeing where she was coming from. Maybe I’ll look into it when I have a g-friend so that I can go to learn instead of going ’cause of love or an attempt to get into her heart. Unfortunately from what I have heard, she is set into her ways. (not something I want) I will work on finding someone that meets the criteria listed earlier in this entry. Recetnly I got into chatting on the internet c-sex can be fun and exciting and chat can be a way to find answers and sometimes give answers. Both of which I’m working on. Got to hit the hay… later — Today we had superbowl XXXI – Green bay packers vs. New England Patriots the score = 21-35 green bay —
Two days ago I was on a chat line and gave ‘cyberhead’ to some girl, now I’m catching hell. Everybody seemed to think that I was so innocent yet they had no idea what I am really like. My ‘chatting’ caught them off guard and surprised them so now they give me a hard time about it. Recently Mara & Chester’s relationship has gone to hell, Mara’s depressed – she loves him deeply and he says to go away & leave him alone. The catch is he still loves her. & is being a real asshole about it. He thinks that it would be better for her if they split up. Both she & I think otherwise. Me, now, am worried about Mara & what will become of her – but no progress is being made towards my ‘love’?, Crystal. Also today I met with Larry & he gave me a run through on my procedure tomorrow. I will try to get together with him right after lunch, then I will do my first set of standards, solutions, and expiraments. Candace is almost taking my advice to stay away from Beamer. I said almost because today he received an email message from her. Over the chat line I met a 24 yr old in South Africa. She has been giving me advice on life in general. She is amazed at the fact that I’ve never made out with anyone. She seems to be a great person. She goes as Venus over chat but told me her email address so that I may question her that way. Unfortunately whenever we talk that she never asks questions unless they clarify more about me, it seems so 1-sided. I sometimes feel uncomfortable about that but I’m glad I found someone that I feel confortable talking to about these subjects —