Hello Helen,
Thank you for the conversation that we had the other night. I found, though at times frustrating, that it was very good to bring some things to light. This is why I am writing to you.
Throughout our relationship we have been very good at being together. I love that element. However, I find that when we are apart, it stretches our relationship to a breaking point that we have experienced before. Being as how I am not wild of losing you to something trivial like a disagreement, I thought it would be wise for me to explain what I see as the relationship that I am looking for, however reasonable or not. Keep in mind, I am not writing this to ask you to fit into it, nor as an explanation of where I would like our relationship to go. If you would like to be a part of what I envision, I couldn’t be more thrilled for that.
I expect that you will be able to find inconsistencies in my writings. It’s not that I intend to contradict myself, but in a lot of situations I know that my opinions straddle whatever fence there might be. If at any point you have questions, please let me know, and I will do everything in my power to explain myself.
Introduction
Thank you
I care about you/this relationship
Explain purpose
Meat
Why I am dating her (all the good stuff)
Reason for liking her
Reason for troubles
Way to fix troubles
Praise of her and her involvement
Ideal
Helen is feeling as though she is being taken for Granted. That would lead me to believe that she needs a different type of attention from me, but how to change? To what? Less Physical… What does she enjoy? Respect, Perhaps gifts? Service (backrubs)
Okay [taken for granted] does that support that she notices my liking of other people? (Namely Cori)
I just felt like typing. I don’t really know what I wanted to type, nor what I would be typing, but I am typing anyhow.
Things I should type about: girls, business, spiritual, emotional, work (grayline and UAS), play, friends, and then anything else that I can think of.
I pray to you with a throbbing heart, as I know that I have done wrong in your eyes. I recognize the severity of my choices. They are egregious errors that sour my life and lessen the opportunities to receive special blessings that you have for me.
I thank you Father for you love, compassion and understanding. For without it I would be lost and all would be hopeless as our nemesis would eventually win without opposition. However, reality dictates that Satan cannot and will not win. I am overjoyed by this truth. Father, I am thrilled that together, with your support and love to compensate for my inherent shortcomings, we will win.
I just felt like typing. I don’t really know what I wanted to type, nor what I would be typing, but I am typing anyhow.
Things I should type about: girls, business, spiritual, emotional, work (grayline and UAS), play, friends, and then anything else that I can think of.
GIRLS –
Well what can I say. Micaela is beautiful, friendly, fun, and young. That would be interesting to say the least. I think her maturity is in line with her age. She is mature, but at the same time, there are glimpses of extreme youngness – immaturity. Now granted, I too can be immature, but hey, I am not all that bad… Am I? So yeah, we will see where that one goes… I should call her sometime, and of course, visa-versa.
There is Lisa, who is a great person. Very fun, easy going, entergetic, playful, and good looking. I think she likes other people which isn’t a bad thing, but may lead to more of a challenge when trying to help her understand that I am a (the) best candidate for her. There would be interesting conversations granted our views on things, but for the most part, I think it would be a lot of fun. I wonder if she is going to call me sometime?
Nicole… Wow. Great person. Some times I see that she is a little hard on herself, and doesn’t recharge like she could, but wow. Great maturity, responsibility, smile, and potential. And then to add to all of that, she is absolutely beautiful. Too bad we took it so far to begin with. I think that changed all the dynamics of the relationship. Then again, that may just be the age difference. That and she is convinced that she herself is undatable and undesireable. Well used compliments seem to make her day. I love it she she smiles and flirts. She is good at massage, but also very busy. She obviously has issues. I don’t know if she is going to share them with me, but I will be there until she decides. I wonder if she has ever considered getting professional help to work through the issues. Perhaps one thing that would help is someone who cares about the troubles that she is going through.
I am going to take a quick break here. I think this all calls for a little nap… I still haven’t mentioned Cori or Helen, so I will be back. Oh yeah, Rhonda too! Like I said, I’ll be back.
Helen feels that I am not understanding and accepting her. One way I can work on that is to use myself as the example and not refer to scriptures or things of that nature. I don’t really know if that will resolve the issue. Another thing that I am concerned about is the physical aspect. I am a very physical person, and it is surprising that she is cold to the advances that I make. I would love it for her to take the aggressive route. Now the flip side of all of this is that it may be good that she doesn’t do that. With my new approach and my new life, this may be one of the greatest blessings that I have. I would like for Helen to have boldness to explain herself, and to ask questions and be critical of me. I have a bold personality and that seems to keep her on the fringes. I need to continue to grow and continue to love on her. What more can I do, I wonder… Tonight I have Ultimate. That should be a blast in this good weather. Talk soon.
Helen is feeling as though she is being taken for Granted. That would lead me to believe that she needs a different type of attention from me, but how to change? To what? Less Physical… What does she enjoy? Respect, Perhaps gifts? Service (backrubs)
Okay [taken for granted] does that support that she notices my liking of other people? (Namely Cori)
Sexual desires: Words of affirmation: Quality time: Receiving Gifts: Acts of Service
Sexual Desires:
Yes I have ‘sexual desires.’ Are they necessary? I don’t know. I do have a lot of physical experiences under my belt. Most girls I seem to get some sort of action from. With guy friends: Eli, yes, physical. Tommy, no not so much. It seems that a majority of the time I am not so physical (like at UAS), but that there is also a lot of times where the physical happens quickly and often (Nicole, Holly, Carrie, etc.). There are also times where I notice touch because it is out of the norm: Joe S and Shane. Not bad, just unusual.
Yes I enjoy words of affirmation… I can’t really think of much in my past that would indicate the warm fuzzy feeling. I do like to be recognized for the things that I accomplish and do. If it is sincere and well placed, than it is certainly something that I like. I don’t know that I feel unloved though if I go without it. I think there is a large part of me that gives myself that type of appreciation. Perhaps that is cause for the need of it. I do recognize that I am excited when I receive positive feedback from Helen, or Bill or anyone for that matter. I would perceive that sometimes I don’t appear to admit it though. I, at this point, cannot tell if that is a good thing or not.
Heavenly Father,
I pray to you with a throbbing heart, as I know that I have done wrong in your eyes. I recognize the severity of my choices. They are egregious errors that sour my life and lessen the opportunities to receive special blessings that you have for me.
I thank you Father for you love, compassion and understanding. For without it I would be lost and all would be hopeless as our nemesis would eventually win without opposition. However, reality dictates that Satan cannot and will not win. I am overjoyed by this truth. Father, I am thrilled that together, with your support and love to compensate for my inherent shortcomings, we will win.
Heavenly Father, I write this to you now with one purpose, to commit my mind, thoughts, words and actions to you.
This means the end of excessive physical contact with women. No “making out”, inappropriate kissing, roaming of the hands (intentional or not) nor lustful thoughts – as they are not of Christ. This means no immoral or impure thoughts, no pornography, no sexual transgressions. This means that I will now choose to avoid the very appearance of evil. Time alone with a girl or girlfriend is okay, granted the relations remain appropriate and we abstain from sexual conduct. I understand the greatest of journeys starts with one step followed by another. My greatness in this life and the next will be due to small, daily choices, not a transformation of person.
Heavenly Father, you know all. You know my mistakes, past, present, and even future. You know my shortcomings. You also know my strengths and talents. Most important though, you know my heart and my desires.
You say in your word that, “…to him it is given according to his desires, whether he desireth good or evil, life or death, joy or remorse of conscience.” I have had remorse of conscience. I have had times of spiritual death. I no longer desire that path. I desire and yearn to be one of your warriors – a proponent of Righteousness, spreading the Gospel and condemning all Evil – even when unpopular and inconvenient. Also in your word you say, “…everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” Father, I am pleading for your forgiveness. So many mistakes, so many failures. I desire to turn my life around for you.
Father, as of Wednesday, May 20 of 2001, I made a covenant, promise and oath to You swearing that no matter the temptation, I will rise above it. In my thoughts actions and words, I will be a righteous man! I understand by stating this that the devil will be on a rampage to lead me away and discourage me, and have me fall away. Unfortunately for him, I will not be daunted. Fortunately for us, I will rise up under any adversity. I speak victory and I speak triumph. With my words, thoughts and actions, every one will see that I am a stronger man, including the enemy.
Heavenly master, I leave you now with my promise and ask for all of your blessings and strength as I begin my lifetime journey as one of your knights.
With great love, admiration and sincerity,
In Jesus’ name,
Amen
Monday, July 23, 2001
Helen,
You simply amaze me. There have been several times that I have been floating after seeing you. The feeling is sublime. I love every thing about it.
Periodically you ask me why I like you… What I think would be a harder question is what is there to not like about you. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you as my girlfriend. Your compassion, heart and love, everything is so incredible. I had no idea what it is like to be excited to be involved with someone, not simply lusting after them.
Monday, July 23, 2001
Helen,
You simply amaze me. There have been several times that I have been floating after seeing you. The feeling is sublime. I love every thing about it.
Periodically you ask me why I like you… What I think would be a harder question is what is there to not like about you. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you as my girlfriend. Your compassion, heart and love, everything is so incredible. I had no idea what it is like to be excited to be involved with someone, not simply lusting after them.
I can’t stop thinking about how great it is to be in a relationship with you. You have been and are a completely wonderful person to have as a girlfriend. I can laugh, cry, be confused, or just be quiet. Your willingness to be a part of the relationship is incredible. I don’t think I could hope for anything more.
I think one of the most amazing things for me is your willingness to work on being in a relationship. I am constantly impressed at your discipline to share what is on your mind at the moment, as I know it is easy to hold your tongue.
I often think about the relationship that we have and wonder if I would ever want something different. I can honestly say that I cannot imagine a better relationship with a more wonderful individual. I would be hard pressed to ever find either.
I wish I could better express this in words, however, I am not sure that words would do this feeling justice. All I am left with is stammer and a blur of thoughts. Thank you for your love and your forgiveness.
If there is ever anything that I can do for you in any way, shape or form, please let me know. I will be there for you for as long as you will allow me to be near to your heart. Thank you for that.
With much love and adoration,
Okay so thoughts for the day. I was reading out of The Tongue – A Creative Force just now, and I read that we will be held accountable for even the idle words that come out of our mouths.
The thought then occurred to me that I was having idle thoughts. Several times today, I was caught, either by myself or by Eli looking at passing folk. If I allow my thoughts to wonder like some peoples tongue, that could get me into as much trouble as the words (because thoughts
breed words.)