April 4, 2004
The Sunday night after leadership in Spokane, and here I am studying and writing this to myself. It was great to see Tommy and give some guidance/thoughts on his relationship with Hilari – I hope that does him well. As for the relationship for Helen and I, it was a good function for information, now the need it to turn around and apply it. Brad Duncan gave a smashing talk about Marriage as the closing talk – I think it was a way for people to get their oars in the water going the same direction – and as insight for those who aren’t presently married.
I find myself wondering how I am supposed to handle our relationship. On one hand, I see that the things that we endure are completely normal, however, at the same time, it’s as though we act married with our challenges… I suppose it’s better to address them now before married than waiting to tie the knot. I am hoping that I can come to an answer through continued scripture and book study and counsel with Bill and Sharon and whoever else I can have chat with me. I’m nearly through Leviticus right now, but going through the old testament, I’m not sure that I’m receiving what I need (other than the renewed reward of making a choice and then disciplining myself to carry through with it.)
The Sunday night after leadership in Spokane, and here I am studying and writing this to myself. It was great to see Tommy and give some guidance/thoughts on his relationship with Hilari – I hope that does him well. As for the relationship for Helen and I, it was a good function for information, now the need it to turn around and apply it. Brad Duncan gave a smashing talk about Marriage as the closing talk – I think it was a way for people to get their oars in the water going the same direction – and as insight for those who aren’t presently married.
I find myself wondering how I am supposed to handle our relationship. On one hand, I see that the things that we endure are completely normal, however, at the same time, it’s as though we act married with our challenges… I suppose it’s better to address them now before married than waiting to tie the knot. I am hoping that I can come to an answer through continued scripture and book study and counsel with Bill and Sharon and whoever else I can have chat with me. I’m nearly through Leviticus right now, but going through the old testament, I’m not sure that I’m receiving what I need (other than the renewed reward of making a choice and then disciplining myself to carry through with it.)
So I’m at the 2004 leadership… It was a great evening last night, though the feeling of the evening may not have caught up with me… It’s like I’m watching someone else going to the function. I’d like to have it delve deep into my heart, but I’m not sure that I’m there yet. Read the rest of this entry »
Hello Everyone, thank you for coming. My name is Cody Bennett. I’m a former Little.
I was asked to share my story with you today to let you know of the impact that a match can have on a life.
I was a pretty normal kid… I got in lots of fights at school, did all my homework, got good grades, and still had time to play outside. The biggest “difference” –if you will- was that I grew up without a father. That’s initially why my Mother enrolled me as a little – to have a male role model. That was in first grade. It’s amazing how time flies – I’m 23 now.
Thinking back, I actually have 4 distinct memories of my dad, all short – a couple meetings in person, a phone call and then his burial. He died of alcohol poisoning when I was eight. I remember being back at school thinking, “Geeze… all these kids complain about going back and forth between divorced parents… they just don’t get it.” I realized that something had been stolen from me that they still had – Hope.
The following spring, I was matched to a great guy, though I don’t know that I was what he had bargained for. I can only imagine that I was quite the handful. With my Father’s death, things had spiraled for me. I recall going to several different therapists – in school and out –, fighting with my younger brother regularly, and generally pulling away from people. I was energetic and personable, but at the same time, withdrawn. It was nice to be off of the perpetual waiting list, though I never felt really close to him. Our match ended 2 years later – back to the waiting list.
My depression continued with time. Resentful. Bitter. Angry. My family relationships were suffering immensely. It even got so bad that I seriously considered suicide – that was in 7th grade.
In the winter, I met Bill and Sharon at a weekend retreat with Big Brothers/Big Sisters – we just ‘clicked’. There, I remember staying up late learning about static electricity from Sharon and her dog Nanook, and then getting up at 5 in the morning to go skiing with Bill before everyone else was awake. That weekend would forever change my life.
It turned out that shortly after that trip, Bill and Sharon’s previous match ended. Because of the time spent together, they requested me from the caseworker. Since then, the impact of those two has been immeasurable.
My mother wanted a male role model and Bill has filled that with amazing grace. Never judging me or my choices, he always expected that I do, and be, more. What astonishes me about Bill is that he is constantly growing and changing as a person, which has taught me a great lesson. They have always been supportive with the hard times in life, and I don’t thank them enough. I am so grateful that I had a unbiased friend to spend time with and learn from.
Sharon has fit the description of Big Sister perfectly. She has been there to give advice on relationships, and to help me develop my love for the finer things in life – including fresh blueberry pie. All these years, officially matched or not, she has been a forum for me to take my challenges. Her kind, thoughtful, and supportive demeanor has always provided a means to work through any issue.
Another thing that has been good for me is that they are an excellent example of how a true relationship can and should be. I have learned love and compassion from the both of them. I even had the honor of being the Best Man at their wedding.
It’s funny to look back at all the times we’ve shared and realize that it’s not the amount of time spent, nor the number of outings that we’ve had that made the biggest impact. One of the best memories during our official match was a time where we had made dinner, popped in a movie, sat down to watch, and promptly fell asleep. This match has helped me to realize the importance of a relationship, and the value of mentorship.
A lot of the time, there isn’t a mentor in a younger person’s life – parents are at times the enemy, and peers… They don’t know right from wrong. It’s imperative that people in the community reach out to help guide children – our school system simply doesn’t cut it in that respect.
On the books, our match ended 5 years ago, however, due to the friendship, guidance, and love, our bond will continue for all the years to come. We’ll continue working hand in hand to improve the world, one child at a time.
I now have hope again; hope that someday, both you and I, will have a meaningful impact in a child’s life – the same way that my Bigs have helped to shape me.
Thank you.
So, how do you know what true love is? Is it okay to base a relationship off of something that isn’t true love? So many people do that, so many people seem oblivious to those truths.
I want to have a fantastic relationship, so I roll with the punches, and take the good with the bad. It seems that even though I’m interested in making the best of any situation, that sometimes, that simply isn’t good enough for the other person.
Here I am sitting at home, nearly one in the morning, and Helen just left, upset. We had a talk about future type things where she hinted that she wanted a relationship where I was something different than I am – talk about the future, about buying houses, and so on. She compares me with Scott (Mindy’s Scott) and I don’t know how to accept that – on one hand, I recognize that I’m not him, on the other hand, I’d like to meet some of Helen’s needs/wants.
We had a bit of a discovery today that perhaps we don’t love each other. I don’t really know what to think about that – on one hand, it might just be something that I’ve been thinking all along, but not wanting to call anyone on it – I recognize that we’ve been sleeping together, being selfish, hoping to have our “needs” met without thinking of how to meet the other person’s needs.
I want to love others, yet I know that isn’t possible if you don’t love yourself. How do you love yourself? You see value and worth, and understand that there is so much more to that other person.
— she came back—
hmm… Now it’s closer to 2 am…
She came back and asked if it was alright if she break up with me.
What am I supposed to do with that? What is the right thing to do? How quickly can I resolve the issues surrounding our relationship? What things are holding me back from being better at loving her?
I suppose on one hand, that it’s not so bad that she’s breaking up with me. I now have the ability to pursue other relationships, to flirt and date and build relationships without remorse. Heather, Brook, Heidi, Patricia, Lacey, all of the above seem to come to mind of people that I’d have the freedom know get to know better.
I am nervous of breaking up because I don’t want to gain the impression that I’m losing a battle – I want to be stronger than that, I want to provide for whatever needs might come along.
How do you find the right person? What do you look for? The willingness to change, the humilty, the selflessness… How can I be more selfless – how can I look to her to be the knight in shining armor, to be the one love that she’s known where without a doubt at all, that I am the one to provide that to her.
Do I want to break up with her? I don’t know.
Alright, I’m going to bed now.
3/25/04
Journal entry of some sort
3.15.2004
Lunchtime
So here I am – It’s a Monday, I’m at lunch, and it’s nice cause I can take some time to note whatever I happen to think about.
My first thought while sitting down is that I’m pretty sore. It comes from ultimate yesterday – a practice with the Upsea Daisies… My quads, calves, and ankle are all sore. Oh well. They’ll get better.
It’s cold sitting here. Although I do like the lighting. It’s bright which is always a nice thing (unless trying to sleep.)
I have to go back to work in 20 minutes.
Okay, so finding things to talk about is a bit of a challenge at the moment, but they’re starting to come more easily now.
It’s surprising at what a difference being Russian can do for an appearance – For instance, both Lera and Alyona (Helen) are quite attractive. I’m sure there are many women who would be bombshells if only they dressed the part. It seems that Russian women do.
I’ve been reading more than normal lately. That has been nice. I’m going to try to read each day before I get done with work. This morning I was able to read before my shower out of ‘Communication, Sex, and Money’. It’s interesting that sometimes while reading, I can notice myself being resistant to changing – especially when it means work on my part – as in relationships or habits that I might have. I don’t really know what the cause for the hesitation.
I had the thought yesterday to talk with Toby Coate about his spiritual walk and the like – I like the fact that he seems to live what he says, and plays the part well. There are other people out there who seem to use their lives as a forum to periodically apply the good learning and teachings that happen within church settings, but all-to-many people decide that no one is looking. I’m sure that even I do that to some extent.
My battery life on my laptop sure isn’t what it used to be… it’s surprising how quickly it gets drained – I’m only been unplugged for maybe 55 minutes, but still I’m at the low category something like 16 minutes left!
I need to use the facilities but I think I’m gonna wait for about 5 minutes so that I can go while on my way back to work.
I’d rather go home for the remainder of the day – oh well. Oh, I need to do more finance stuff. Lookie there – Patricia is back online I’ll chat with her a bit before going back to work.
I wonder if I’ll ever get to see her again. It was interesting to have the intense summer fling thing – fun, but unnerving since there wasn’t ever really anything defining about it.
Oh, bout time for me to go back to work. I guess it was nice to type for a few minutes – perhaps with time, I’ll get better at this.
Bye.
Where do I want to be in 2-5 years?
Married, free from debt, have control of money, as well as control of time. I want to be able to travel. I want to have a home at [location]. I want to be the earned head of my family, both financially and spiritually. I want to be the priest of my family, to lead them both in this world and spiritually. I want to be an over-comer of those things that are naturally stumbling blocks to me. I want to have the resources to put money into cause I believe in (alternative schooling, youth ministries, outdoor leadership education, at-risk youth development and more.) I want ot be able to travel the world and learn of the situations where people are hurting. To come to the determination that there are things in the world that need more time and money put into, and to place my resources there. I want ot be a four-pillared man that puts his action where his mouth is. My word is my bond. If I say that I will be there, I will be there, unequivocally. On the outside of that time frame, I want to be a father. I want to be developed enough as a person to be able to coach a person in this world. I want to be the example as a father and as a husband. I want my friends and peers to use me as the benchmark, to look to me for an example of how to do it right. I want to have control over my emotions, to be able to choose which ones I participate in, to know which feelings are useful, or not. I want to be able to have the toys, but not sink all my time into them. I want to have the best friendship with my wife. To be the one that she looks to all of the time, not just when things are good or things are bad. I want to show love to my family. To support them in all the things that they want to do. To provide the dream homes for my mother and mother-in-law; to be the best buddy of my father-in-law. I want to go on fishing trips around the world with him, or to show him his dreams. I want to be able to treat my brothers; to have the resources to get to know both Nicholas and Shane in a way that I have yet to imagine; to be the ideal brother. Provide the resources that they might be able to pursue their dreams. To help them learn to succeed, to help them understand the process. I want to lead other people to the Lord by my example, my Christian walk, and my ministries. I want to be able to have the bills paid in yearly sums. I want to provide for my family in such a way that we can focus on the things that are important to us, and not the burdens or stresses in life. Later in life, I want to be my children’s hero. I want them to be able to look up to me and know that of all the people in the world that they want to be like me, and want to follow in my footsteps. I want to have friends that I feel comfortable to have my wife around because I know their integrity and love for us.
Where do I not want to be in 2-5 years?
I despise the idea that I would still be working. I hate the idea that perhaps my wife could be working. That I have not changed as a person so that as a father and as a husband, I am a weenie, and I only help to continue the disfunctionality passed on from generation to generation. I hate the idea that I will not be in control. That someone could tell me what to do. It would be horrible to be controlled by my emotions. It would be atrocious to be unfaithful to my wife or to my God; that I continue to lie to myself without recognition of those false truths. That I never get to know my brother more than I already do, that my mother continues in her situation without help or support. That she continues to be emotionally driven, right into the ground, and she decides that she will keep working for ever and ever. To be in a situation where I lie to others, I commit sin, and I draw others away from the presence of God; that I am still living paycheck to paycheck or Friday to Friday. It would be my worst nightmare to recognize that I have thrown away an opportunity to do great things in my life. To accept a life of mediocrity, to give up on all the things that are good and right and true. To wake up one day and recognize that all of these things have come true, while my dream-world continues to dwindle away into nothingness. That someone pops my big rubber yellow ducky in my pool without me noticing it. To maintain an association of people that bring our spirits and dreams down to the low state that the happen to be in that day. To be around people that cut others down, that are crude and unaware of the impact that they could have on the world.
Hmm… The strangeness of being me…
So here it is theree days before Family Reunion. Helen, Jon, and Jason will be there. That’ll be neat.
Few interesting things that have been happening over the last few days that make for a lot of introspection.
I have screwed up so many times, and I really just want things to be alright. I look at the idea of sharing something great with a person that I love, and I am drawn to Helen. I don’t know that she is the one though. I don’t like the fact that our relationship is riddled with doubts, and that the forgiveness process seems to also be related to ghost stories (the dang things never die for reals.) She’d take my hand, but could I take hers? What would be required of me to be able to do that? I look at the things we’ve shared, but I don’t see quite as many of the happy times, just because the entire experience has been riddled with me being dumb, or there being some sort of lacking communication going on in the relationship.
It was very potent to point out that I’ve never really been sold out to my relationship. I wonder why that is. I haven’t really seen the sold out side in any of my pursuits that I’ve had. Perhaps it’s just the train of thought that I’m presently in, but I really don’t see the things that I’ve been able to follow through on and complete. Most of it seems to taper at some point, and in lots of the situations, it fades completely.
And then I have married people soliciting their single girlfriends to me, and I don’t turn it away. Why is that? What am I looking for? What the heck do I think I will find.
The most important thing about a spouse is the abilty and desire to change. Do I hold that myself? If I say that I do, do my actions back it up? Does my girlfriend desire to change herself? Do I facilitate that situation? So then it comes back to me, and here I am again, lacking in some way or another.
I get the impression in my own mind (not as though it’s an answer) that it’s healthiest to break up with Helen. She deserves someone who is committed totally to the relationship, and not some guy who looks for opportunities to test the waters of the community. I’m not even in the aquatic field! I work with computers! Grr.
So I’ve punched away and come up with a couple pages of comments. It’s running up on 12 am now, and so I’m going to call it a night.
I pray, hope, desire, and thirst for a knowledge of how to best handle this situation, and the possible pain that it could bring to my life, and to the life of those that are close to me.
Good night,
-Cody Bennett
Hi Cody,
This computer set-up is pretty nifty! Probably a lot better on your back and stuff too. Such a resourceful person! I don’t really know what I wanted to say, but it seemed like I wanted to write you something. Have you ever felt like that?
Today was a beautiful day. You were in my thoughts a lot. Thank you for last night and for your time. I don’t think I can really explain to you how much that meant to me. I look forward to the time that we get to share, even if it’s not for very long.
I admire you for your dedication, for your dreams, for your willingness to take a good hard took at yourself and for the desire to become a better person. It’s truly amazing.
I love you very much and hope that I am supporting you in the ways that you need. Thank you for always trying to guide me in the right direction and for gently providing insights. I look forward to the journey that we will take together.
Much love,
Helen
So, where to start? I am sitting here in front of this computer, fingertips tender, body sore, and mind numb, and now what to say. First of all I suppose that I should explain the purpose of this letter. Though you may not have noticed through the duration of our ‘relationship’ I like to let my thoughts out on paper (or in this case on a screen) so that I can see what I am thinking. From time to time, the words that I write contradict themselves so if you notice that, know that it is a quite normal occurrence inside my head, and thus a cause for indecision at times. So, lucky you, you get to read what I have running through my head.
Periodically I try to explain all of my thoughts to someone but that really does not do them or myself any justice to the situation; infact, most of the time, it just confounds the situation. Now I find it interesting that I have the ability to discuss what I wrote, so save this because perhaps someday in the future it can be a document that enables us (mostly me) to have clarity in my discussions. When I can refer to something concrete (as in a piece of paper) it makes it harder for me to change what I was thinking or saying. I think all of that accurately explains why I am writing this. Okay, so on with the letter.
I am so fortunate that I had a chance to meet and get to know you, and it truly pleases me to say that I am a close friend of yours. I care about you immensely, if I had it my way I don’t know that I would spend much time away from you, because I care to know that you are safe and alright. Now of course I can’t really do that, but hey, it would be nice. The times that we have shared have been amazing and I pray that I will find someone else in my future that can fill the indelible footprints you have left on my mind and heart.
Now it would be inaccurate to say anything but I love you. However, because people as a general rule are protective of their domain and the like, I think it is safer for me to keep that all under wraps. I don’t know how your fiancé would take to that well. I certainly hope that everything works out for the best between you and Anthony, however, because I care about you to the extent that I do, I reserve the right to be fearful and anxious for you and your well being. I know that you deserve an incredible individual for a mate, however, it is unfortunate that I don’t know your groom to be well enough to say that he would pass the test.
I don’t know exactly what would be in the test, although I am sure that you are wondering what elements I might include. I suppose the regular stuff, you know: timed fitness trial, 1700 or above on the SAT’s, can stop speeding bullets with his teeth, and can jump over buildings in a single bound… Nothing too big. You hopefully can tell from that list that you are very valuable in my eyes. I think nothing small of you. Am I getting through?
Perhaps I can be more direct with addressing concerns. Know that these come from unconditional love for you and in no way are intended to put you either in a bad or defensive frame of mind.
Just imagine it all from my perspective… I get to know Tyson better through a mutual friend (Mindy) and so following natural course I wind up at his house watching a movie, and wow, Mika is there. Of course I knew of you before we had officially met at your house from being in the same group with you and Bo, but now I was in the same company as you. What’s more, I was sitting next to you! So the movie thing happened, and me, being myself, and you being yourself, began to flirt with each other and before either of us knew what was going on, we had kissed and spent the night together. Wow, what a night! I was thrilled… I don’t know how to explain it though, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I couldn’t stop thinking of you while I was off at work. So yeah, our relationship continued and we got to know each other in a closer and closer fashion, I started to break down barriers that I hadn’t addressed because of your tender words and you were sharing things with me that I never would have dreamed of. Some things painful to hear of, and other things that were more exciting and fun. I couldn’t wait to get off of work to come see you. Wow. And the relationship continued.
I think we both agree that we were dating minus the titles, but because we hadn’t ever committed to one another, I felt that theoretically, I was still free on the market. That’s why I was willing to go and mess around with Kim. I knew immediately afterwards that it was a mistake and that the relationship that we held was more valuable than that even without the titles attached. So trying to do the right thing I told you. It crushed me to see the sad look in your eyes. I sometimes wonder if things would have turned out differently if I hadn’t gone and done that. Man I felt like a slug. Even now I am sorry for what I did. Please forgive me.
That done, the relationship we had went downhill from there. I don’t think that I have cried before losing someone in a relationship. I just thought of that as I was sitting here. You meant an incredible amount to me and it hurt so badly. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I think it was because I feel/felt that it was my undoing by screwing around with some other girl. Oh, the lessons we learn. I always seem to learn them the hard way no less. Go figure. So yeah, on with the letter, Cody.
So me being a relative creature of logic, I had a hard time with the breakup, not because of the breakup itself, it was more the inconsistencies in your reasoning. I’m sure I’ve tried to explain this before, but I know it wasn’t on paper so here you get to get it again! When you were breaking it off with me, you had said that things were ending with us because you wanted to feel free to date other guys, as in go out on dates, with out feeling guilty or feeling like you had to let me know. Not that I had a terrible problem with that, but, truth be told, I loved to spend time with you and if some other guy is, that would mean by logic, that I’m not. So okay, I suppose that I can handle that. But the next thing I know, you are dating Spencer. That wasn’t a bad thing at all, but let me explain. You had just told me that you wanted to date many guys, and not be in just one relationship. Um, you and Spencer, together? I think that means that you forgot about what you had told me just a couple weeks earlier, or you were lying to me, or you decided to change your mind because it suited you. I didn’t and still don’t know what to think of that situation and as it turned out (situations).
Oh shoot, time is running slim, I am headed off to get ready for Stake Conference today. I think I will be receiving the Melchezdik (sp?) Priesthood. Talk soon? I suppose that’s up to me isn’t it? So toodles for now. Cb
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